A_T_Swordsman
Active member
Basically, the idea of buying this hat has forced me to confront somethings about myself I'd rather not, but heck, I joined this site for some reason or another and this seems like the proper crowd to discuss it with (for whatever reason I'm discussing it IDK) so here it goes.
I wanted to buy the hat because I like it, however, I REALLY don't like the idea of it drawing attention to my head, which it most assuredly will if I ever wore it. And, I'm not going to buy something I won't wear.
But, this stems from something further back. The simple truth is I avoid mirrors. I avoid my reflection. Sometimes, I force myself, to fix my hair or whatnot, but I always focus only on the particular task, such as the hair-fixing, and avoid any other features. I am on acne medicine, which has done a swell job compared to what I looked like before, but I'm still no where near a clean face.
However, the acne alone doesn't seem to explain my feelings towards the image in the mirror. I have consciously had thoughts like "That's not me" and have never been able to personify with my image in photographs. If I ever do try and picture myself being inside the figure I see in the mirror or photograph I get agitated/scared and quickly throw such thoughts from my mind.
I am introverted, but I have never had trouble making friends here and there. However, this definitely stems from the fact that I am able to 'forget' my image. If I am reminded of it, like if I'm hanging with friends and a window reflects me, I instantly become extremely self conscious and for the rest of the events I find myself looking away and/or turning away from people as I talk with them. At the worst, I completely zone out, such as when walking through a hallway where people are sitting and waiting along it's sides and I'm positive at least 10% are looking at me. I stiffen up, and even my vision closes a bit so that I can't see the people on the edges of the hallway (I'm not squinting my eyes though, they just sort of blur/darken out) Which, is why I think I'm not too bad at public speaking. I can 'forget' my looks and speak to large audiences. I have performed before hundreds of thousands of people before many times without any real issues so whatever this 'image problem' I'm having is, I've somehow gotten around it to some extent, but obviously with the creation of this thread, not really a solution to my issue.
OH, and even if I do get the hat, I'd probably be too scared to wear it around friends. My close friend knows about my love for anime but he has stigmas towards it which, because of my personality, he has never applied to me, but I'm afraid if I did wear it in front of him he would start to. I know he'd still be my friend, but I like his current perception of me and would rather not change it. In regards to all my other, less-deep friendships, most don't know my love of anime much, or are in a similar position where they know I like it but they don't categorize me with their stigmas and so I'd like to avoid the same sort of thing with them as well.
But... I do like the hat *sigh*
I wanted to buy the hat because I like it, however, I REALLY don't like the idea of it drawing attention to my head, which it most assuredly will if I ever wore it. And, I'm not going to buy something I won't wear.
But, this stems from something further back. The simple truth is I avoid mirrors. I avoid my reflection. Sometimes, I force myself, to fix my hair or whatnot, but I always focus only on the particular task, such as the hair-fixing, and avoid any other features. I am on acne medicine, which has done a swell job compared to what I looked like before, but I'm still no where near a clean face.
However, the acne alone doesn't seem to explain my feelings towards the image in the mirror. I have consciously had thoughts like "That's not me" and have never been able to personify with my image in photographs. If I ever do try and picture myself being inside the figure I see in the mirror or photograph I get agitated/scared and quickly throw such thoughts from my mind.
I am introverted, but I have never had trouble making friends here and there. However, this definitely stems from the fact that I am able to 'forget' my image. If I am reminded of it, like if I'm hanging with friends and a window reflects me, I instantly become extremely self conscious and for the rest of the events I find myself looking away and/or turning away from people as I talk with them. At the worst, I completely zone out, such as when walking through a hallway where people are sitting and waiting along it's sides and I'm positive at least 10% are looking at me. I stiffen up, and even my vision closes a bit so that I can't see the people on the edges of the hallway (I'm not squinting my eyes though, they just sort of blur/darken out) Which, is why I think I'm not too bad at public speaking. I can 'forget' my looks and speak to large audiences. I have performed before hundreds of thousands of people before many times without any real issues so whatever this 'image problem' I'm having is, I've somehow gotten around it to some extent, but obviously with the creation of this thread, not really a solution to my issue.
OH, and even if I do get the hat, I'd probably be too scared to wear it around friends. My close friend knows about my love for anime but he has stigmas towards it which, because of my personality, he has never applied to me, but I'm afraid if I did wear it in front of him he would start to. I know he'd still be my friend, but I like his current perception of me and would rather not change it. In regards to all my other, less-deep friendships, most don't know my love of anime much, or are in a similar position where they know I like it but they don't categorize me with their stigmas and so I'd like to avoid the same sort of thing with them as well.
But... I do like the hat *sigh*
