Red_Wedding_Casualty
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- Apr 14, 2014
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This year I turn 29. You know how this sort of story is told. "Never had a girlfriend', 'never really had any experience with girls', etc. I won't bore you with my life story. It's just that...... Almost a year ago, leading up to quite recently now. The prospect of all of that changing dangled infront of me-in much the same way as the grapes of Tartarus dangled before Tantalus. The only difference being that my torment came to a silent-if abrupt end.
I'll start at the beginning. Roughly April last year. She was a friend of a friend of mine whom I'd met at a nightclub get together. We never really spoke that much at first. Though, a few drinks changed it. We went outside, and I checked my phone, and she recognised a character from a video game we both play. Then we really hit it off. Heh..... I remember that night well. We spent most of it huddled together, texting on our phones because the music was too loud.
From there, the friendship grew. We saw movies, we had many long conversations on Steam(as in the game site), played games together online and offline. And caught up for lunch and shopping sessions. It was actually her that showed me where I was going wrong with my dress sense. In that I was buying sizes too big. In general, the friendship was good. Really good infact. But I knew I was falling for her. But then this was the closest I've ever been to a woman on a personal level. So it was best for everyone involved that she never catch onto my feelings. All of my interactions had to be made purely on a friendship level. If I even so much as made any attempt at flirting. She'd catch onto what was really in my head, the friendship would be ruined, and I'd never see her again. For the time being though. It was good.
November comes. And I finally move out of my parents house and into my apartment of my own. Once I tell her the news, suddenly I start seeing her weekly, as opposed to monthly. We're texting almost everyday. Some of our outings, well...... If I was a less intelligent man, I might have called them dates. Still, with the friendship better than ever before, I had to be even more dilligent so as not to let my feelings for this girl get the better of me. Any word or gesture that suggested I wanted anything more than friendship, meant an abrupt cut off. I couldn't risk it!
I remember the last night I ever saw her. We had lunch, went back to mine. Played video games, then watched horror movies until 1 AM. That next day, I spent a good 2 and a half hours with her on Steam helping her proof read a piece of writing she was working on for a coming. Tuesday: Nothing. Then, Wednesday. I text her to confirm if we were still catching up that Sunday. Her reply: "I'll pass. I've decided I'm going over to my friend's house to bake with him that day." My reply: "That's cool. Guess that means I'm able to catch up with my parents for tea. Have fun
".
...That was over a week ago. There's been no contact since then. I'm sitting here. In my loungeroom wracking my brain over where I went wrong. And how I was found out. What exactly happened, how and why are ultimately inconsequential. What matters is that the right thing happened. And I need to keep doing the right thing: By maintaining radio silence, and allowing her space.
She occupies my thoughts all the time now. I can't even enjoy a game the same way with this yearning plaging my mind. I still see her online on steam quite frequently. I can't bring myself to talk to her. I wouldn't even know what to say now. I'm sure even, "Hi. How are you?" is sure to end awkwardly. And yet, at the same time I can't bring myself to just block and delete her. The illusion of us someday talking and going back to the way things were brings me a small measure of comfort strangely enough. And on top of that, my social situation in general is slowly deteriorating. In a comment to another post, I spoke of how I was seeing less and less of my friends as they all gradually coupled up. I guess that, not deleting her permantently will serve as a reminder of how close I was to having that romantic connection with someone.
Still, I maintain radio silence. Because it's the right thing to do.....
I'll start at the beginning. Roughly April last year. She was a friend of a friend of mine whom I'd met at a nightclub get together. We never really spoke that much at first. Though, a few drinks changed it. We went outside, and I checked my phone, and she recognised a character from a video game we both play. Then we really hit it off. Heh..... I remember that night well. We spent most of it huddled together, texting on our phones because the music was too loud.
From there, the friendship grew. We saw movies, we had many long conversations on Steam(as in the game site), played games together online and offline. And caught up for lunch and shopping sessions. It was actually her that showed me where I was going wrong with my dress sense. In that I was buying sizes too big. In general, the friendship was good. Really good infact. But I knew I was falling for her. But then this was the closest I've ever been to a woman on a personal level. So it was best for everyone involved that she never catch onto my feelings. All of my interactions had to be made purely on a friendship level. If I even so much as made any attempt at flirting. She'd catch onto what was really in my head, the friendship would be ruined, and I'd never see her again. For the time being though. It was good.
November comes. And I finally move out of my parents house and into my apartment of my own. Once I tell her the news, suddenly I start seeing her weekly, as opposed to monthly. We're texting almost everyday. Some of our outings, well...... If I was a less intelligent man, I might have called them dates. Still, with the friendship better than ever before, I had to be even more dilligent so as not to let my feelings for this girl get the better of me. Any word or gesture that suggested I wanted anything more than friendship, meant an abrupt cut off. I couldn't risk it!
I remember the last night I ever saw her. We had lunch, went back to mine. Played video games, then watched horror movies until 1 AM. That next day, I spent a good 2 and a half hours with her on Steam helping her proof read a piece of writing she was working on for a coming. Tuesday: Nothing. Then, Wednesday. I text her to confirm if we were still catching up that Sunday. Her reply: "I'll pass. I've decided I'm going over to my friend's house to bake with him that day." My reply: "That's cool. Guess that means I'm able to catch up with my parents for tea. Have fun
"....That was over a week ago. There's been no contact since then. I'm sitting here. In my loungeroom wracking my brain over where I went wrong. And how I was found out. What exactly happened, how and why are ultimately inconsequential. What matters is that the right thing happened. And I need to keep doing the right thing: By maintaining radio silence, and allowing her space.
She occupies my thoughts all the time now. I can't even enjoy a game the same way with this yearning plaging my mind. I still see her online on steam quite frequently. I can't bring myself to talk to her. I wouldn't even know what to say now. I'm sure even, "Hi. How are you?" is sure to end awkwardly. And yet, at the same time I can't bring myself to just block and delete her. The illusion of us someday talking and going back to the way things were brings me a small measure of comfort strangely enough. And on top of that, my social situation in general is slowly deteriorating. In a comment to another post, I spoke of how I was seeing less and less of my friends as they all gradually coupled up. I guess that, not deleting her permantently will serve as a reminder of how close I was to having that romantic connection with someone.
Still, I maintain radio silence. Because it's the right thing to do.....
