Somebody tell me why I'm all alone...

[bulmabriefs144]

[video=youtube]

I believe in boundaries. I'm sure the rest of the world thinks something along the lines of "if you really want her, you gotta fight for her." To me, that's crap. If someone is taken, diving in and trying to fight for them makes you a jerk, not a brave person. So after having tried (in vain) to fight for a few such people, I've spent the rest of my life looking for people who are (a) kind and (b) available. Physical attractiveness is secondary, though I feel it wouldn't be fair to you for me to be "settling" if they don't appear happy with themselves (about the least flattering thing for a girl is if it isn't convincing that a guy likes them for any sane reason), but that said, I have about 100lb leeway in either direction, and I've been into both really tall girls and someone as short as 4'10" or so. I'm not the greatest person (I am a bit vain, self-centered, and a bit amoral), but I respect other people's relationships, so I'm far from the most despicable person either.

So why is it? The law of averages says that at least some of the women I fall for, are likely to be available since no other guy wants them. Instead, I waste time falling for ones that yea, I don't see a boyfriend in the picture for days/weeks/months. But... in one case the bf was actually in Alaska, in another the "bf" was actually a girl and was just as possessive when I got too close, or they're married to their job, etc.

It didn't really sink in until yesterday and today. I have a girl who works with me in the library. I actually like a fool got to thinking maybe she's unattached, as I haven't seen her hang out with any guys. But we'll get back to that. Yesterday, I went to my nephew's second birthday party, and there was some girl who was chatting with me and touching my arm and stuff. I just sort of realized how much I missed being touched by people who weren't direct family. Yea, after sorta becoming interested in her, I found out she was the mom of one of my nephew's friends and definitely married. So yea, sitting at a crowded party feeling cold and alone. Then today, this girl from the library, who also goes to a church nearby. We're sitting in behind of this ugly very masculine guy with balding hair, who keeps tapping his feet and making lots of noise. The girl right next to him appears to be his girl or something or she could be related, I dunno. I remember thinking "what do women see in such guys?" The after the service it turns out this guy is (probably, meaning I'm screwed either way because I dunno) her brother, and the girl I've been interested in is there chatting with this turkey looking like they could in fact be close.

So yea, wasted a year of interest with her, and I don't really have anyone else I know. The other girl likely also has a gf, meaning it's pointless trying her as a beta option. Oh, and two years ago, I was out in California, at some goofy cult. I would have been okay just giving up everything that belonged to me and becoming a mindless cult member, but I only stayed a few days. Why? The one girl that caught my interest, I found out was married, and I couldn't really find anyone else who cared about me.

Why can't there be some sort of sign over people's heads saying "he/she is available"? I couldn't ask without it being highly awkward (or painful) if her lover happens to be right behind, so instead I'm left with thinking that because nobody has claimed her in the last 10 hours, it's a safe bet. Why am I not worth anything to anyone, that they'd fight for me, instead having me expected to do the other way around if I want any happiness?

 

[LonelyLola]

Maybe you should worry less about whether they are attached or not and just be friends with the women you meet. If you don't expect every woman to be a potentiAl romantic partner, you won't be disappointed. Also, most women don't want to be seen and interacted with only because they are female and so might fill your need, but because they are an individual who is worth having a relationship with because of their own self, whether that be a romantic or a platonic one.

The positive side of just being friends with the opposite sex is that they usually end up having other friends they might set you up with, they can give you advice and THEY ARE WORTHWHILE PEOPLE WHO MIGHT JUST END UP BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND.

Obsessing over why someone hasn't found you yet only makes things worse. It affects your confidence and that will rally impact your ability t meet potential mates.

 

[bulmabriefs144]

But I don't want people to just be my friend, at least, not when married to someone else. Because there are certain things I want from someone that being joined at the waist to someone else means they aren't there when it actually counts. In this world, I have nobody I can speak honestly to.

And yea, point taken.

Perhaps I should be more specific. I'm basically non-sexual. I could do with a close platonic friendship, but the problem being I don't have that either. Because other people are looking for something more physical, if I had a rough day and want to go see someone, well, they're out seeing Harry or Jason while I'm sitting in my room crying. If I really had to think about it, I'd say I really want a girl friend (I have no friends at all, outside family) rather than a girlfriend, but the above constraints on their time means I have to pursue the other if I want the one. And somehow I get neither.

But the fact of the matter is, in this life, I've moved from place to place with no firm social ties. I don't necessarily want a physical relationship (although I could be talked into one if not being sexual is a dealbreaker for staying nearby). But I want something where they are in fact there for me. A girlfriend? Probably not. Someone I can talk to if I've had a rough day, and actually be honest rather than saying "I'm okay".

I suppose either sex could qualify, but I generally hate men. They're ugly, hairy, and mean, and I generally have nothing in common to talk to them about.

That girl married to one of the kid's friends? Could I actually sit down and say, "I'm kinda depressed because there aren't any decent jobs right now, how are things with you?" No, hell no. The hubby in question would scream adultery or something, and the girl would mistake my chatting about feelings for some kind of emotional connection I'm trying to make. I just want someone who can put their arms around me when I'm feeling down, without it being "inappropriate" because they're "with someone else."

I don't want a mate. I want a soulmate. I want someone to cuddle with and chat with, not to "make love" to.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Could I actually sit down and say, "I'm kinda depressed because there aren't any decent jobs right now, how are things with you?" No, hell no.

Please don't take this the wrong way, as it's not meant to offend, but just a bit of advise from someone who has lived long enough (and been in several relationships) to know a little about this particular issue.
Don't look for in a partner, what you need to look for in a therapist. It's OK to vent a little to your partner, ask advice on life issues and so forth, but a lot of people make the mistake of using their partner as a therapist. I know it's only natual to want to talk to the person you feel closest to, but it can be overwhelming at times for them. So much so that sometimes they feel they just can't keep up with all the emotion coming from the other person.
I know this is even a teeny bit off topic from your original post, but maybe this little bit of advice will come in handy for a future relationship. Good luck to you.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

"Don't look for in a partner, what you need to look for in a therapist. It's OK to vent a little to your partner, ask advice on life issues and so forth, but a lot of people make the mistake of using their partner as a therapist. I know it's only natual to want to talk to the person you feel closest to, but it can be overwhelming at times for them. So much so that sometimes they feel they just can't keep up with all the emotion coming from the other person."

Well put Eve and so very true

"They're ugly, hairy, and mean, and I generally have nothing in common to talk to them about"

Think you have problems- I'm one of them and I don't a lot in common either. I'm not that mean btw, just a little bit...

 

[bulmabriefs144]

Please don't take this the wrong way, as it's not meant to offend, but just a bit of advise from someone who has lived long enough (and been in several relationships) to know a little about this particular issue.
Don't look for in a partner, what you need to look for in a therapist.

Sorry, too late, I already took it the wrong way.

I happen to believe that if 2/3 of the the population that were otherwise messed up suddenly found themselves with something meaningful to do in the world and close bonds, there'd be 2/3 of the population suddenly cured of all social disorder. More so than the population who has had it all their life, in fact, because they are grateful for it.

Correct, I shouldn't use women as therapy. But all of us need someone to stand by them when times got rough. If you've somehow gotten shut out of something that everyone else can enjoy, this doubtless makes you lonely and depressed. And being treated like you need therapy for wanting someone real to talk to, just makes you feel even worse.

What can a therapist do? Throw around a bunch of self-important terms around like they mean something. And treat you like a freak for just wanting someone to talk to.

The treatment for depression starts with the root cause, and I have neither the time nor the money to spend talking to someone who won't ease my loneliness. I don't need therapy, I need actual friends (and better social skills). With actual friends, I could work towards finding that one soulmate. With therapy, all I get is the painful reminder not of my actual problem, but of the symptoms (depression is the symptom, not the source). I'm not taking drugs either, I've been pill-free for years.

I had such people in primary and high school, but by college when everyone "normal" was pursuing relationships, in order to get a close friendship with girls (because as I say, I form very weak connections with other guys), I had to at least pretend to want a relationship. It's screwed up.

If you don't mean to offend, it means you probably shouldn't be saying what you're about to say. If this is the case, you shouldn't have said it, because now I am very offended.