Stream of Consciousness Babble.

[TheLonelySkeptic]

I've felt the need to get something off my chest, I just have no idea what it is. Perhaps you'll indulge me in some string of consciousness...

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There exist no boundaries between my days. No lines. No definition. One day simply fades into the next. Today, Saturday, is no different than Monday. The month of April was no different than the month of February. My life has no definition. No tangible reason, function or drive. I have wants and dreams, but I'm too damned afraid to get off my ass and do something to attain them or make them come true.

I know I'm smart enough to do something with my life. Perhaps I'm too afraid. It's like I'm looking for a catalyst that doesn't exist. All my life I've been a room-dweller, anxious about the outside world, afraid of how people will see me. February marked a two-year anniversary of when I stopped leaving my room all together save for the odd job and the occasional class. This past year, I even managed to carry on a nine-month relationship entirely from the comfort of my desk chair. This is no way to live.

I'm so constitutionally drained that I can't even jog ten feet without getting cramps in my sides. Standing up too quickly causes dizziness. My diet consists of salt, MSG and high fructose corn syrup. I know I should change. I want to change. I know I can change. There's a want, there's a will, and there's a reason, but I just can't seem to get up off my ass and do something about it. I'm desperate. I'm desperate, but I know that there's no magic word or scientific breakthrough that will give me the drive to do what I have to do. I'm a shell of a person and I'm a shell of a man.

It has been three years since I got kicked out of high school. It took me two of those three years just to buckle down and get a GED (which, even that, I did the easier way). Friends as well as people I hated from high school are less than one year away from getting bachelors degrees; I'm sitting in a broken chair which contributes to my horrible posture, with a stomach ache and a few crumbs of a muffin on my pant leg, typing on a forum called "a lonely life" about how I've managed to do nothing with my life.

People say I am still young. That I "have my whole life ahead of me." If that's true, why do I feel so old? Why do I look at it from the perspective of an older me looking back on my 21-year-old self with distaste. I'm just now starting school. I won't have a bachelor's degree until I'm 25, 24 at the earliest. I won't have my teaching credentials until I'm 26. That means, for the next five years, I won't have any sort of a sustainable job. That means, unless I'm willing to go to school overload (25 units) and buckle down with a full-time-job and a half, I'll be living with my parents when I'm 26.

I suppose I'm just depressed. I look at a person who goes to school full time and works full time as a "person I'd like to be" and I secretly hate them for their ambition and drive. I hate them because I'm jealous that they have such strength and endurance while I feel so weak and helpless. I feel fragile. Occasionally I'll look at myself in the mirror and mess with my appearance so that I'm someone I'm not. Someone with a sense of dignity about them. Someone with pride. Sometimes I'll pretend my desk isn't my computer desk, but the desk at which I'm signing copies of my book for eager fans. Sometimes I'll listen to a piece of music and pretend that it's my exhibition piece. I particularly like live renditions as the sounds of the shuffling papers as well as the applause does wonders to add to my fantasy. But most of the time I sit and watch YouTube videos, or fiddle around on news sites, or play decade-outdated games because I've not a job to afford any sort of decent computer system (this in itself is remarkably depressing). Most of the time I can't be bothered or muster the will to pretend. Most of the time I'm just me. I hate me.

 

[Naleena]

((((((((((((((((((((crescendo.daNiente))))))))))))))))))))))))
That place you are in right now has become comfortable in a way.
Ask yourself if it is less painful to stay in your room and go through your life like that than it is to change and take a risk. I suggest making small steps. Sometimes you look at what you want to do and it may be overwhelming and therefore seem unatainable. It's easy to get discouraged. It's happened to me too. If you can, write down your goals for a year and then brake them down to mini monthly goals. Then try each day to do at least one thing that will help you reach them. As far as the fear, what do you tell yourself when you experience it? What is going through your mind? Who would you be if you didn't have that thought? How do you think your life would be? Also ask yourself, what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if you were to get going on attaining your goals. I think when the pain of being at home becomes greater than the fear and pain of the unknown, you will have a catalyst for change. I'm sorry your in such a funk. Your still my favorite athiest

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Try taking a walk Kevin. Go out side and take a walk.

Allow yourself to FEEL free during that walk.
Just put one foot in front of the other...

 

[Spare]

Your situation parallels mine so closely I may have a case for copyright infringement.

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY. Right now I should be working on my novel, writing an article or a short story, or at the very least practicing some music. But I tell myself 'the heck with it; it's the weekend'. So I'm dinking around on the internet instead.

During the week I have no real excuses, but I work tirelessly to concoct a few fake ones. 'I have a rehearsal tonight, so I won't have time to write', or 'I just need to mentally unwind for a bit, I'll write later'. Before I know it, it's another solitary weekend after another stagnant week.

I'm going to be twenty-eight at the end of the month, and I still don't think I've entered the adult world. When I'm around my friends or aquaintences, or even my family, I still feel like a kid, and I should just sit back and let everyone else make their adult decisions while I follow along behind like a good boy. I find I can rarely muster the nerve to try and move forward; I feel like the very definition of a 'lost cause'.

I can think of no better advice for either of us than what Naleena has given. Baby steps are the key. You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk, to chew before you swallow, etc. In my case I tried leaping into the deep end before I fully knew how to swim, and am paying dearly for it. Don't begrudge your late start at a higher education. It could be MUCH worse. You could be nearly thirty and considering school, like I am right now, and believe me when I say the logistics of attaining an education get much more difficult as you get older.

Naleena's suggestion of breaking down your long-term goals into smaller monthly ones is a fantastic idea, one that I'm very interested in trying myself. It makes the task seem a whole lot less daunting when you don't have the entire monstrous thing staring down at you.

When I'm feeling especially low I like to think of a phrase my father frequently uses: "In the struggle lies the challenge". The trick is forcing ourselves to rise to that challenge. If others can, by God so can we.

Good luck to us both.