Success breeds confidence or confidence breeds success?

[onmyown1979]

People tell me 'Be confident', 'Dont get down on yourself God will bless you with a wonderful woman and life just keep the faith'. I've heard that for years and I'm starting to lose my patience finally. No girl that I've ever liked has liked me back and I know I'm not attractive to everybody, but at the same time I know my standards aren't too high because I don't go for the high maintenance type. It seems the girls that are attracted to me either have kids that are **** near grown already (I'm 33), are 50 and older, lol, obese, or have had more than a few run ins with the law or married....true story. So if you have a lifetime of disappointment how in the hell can you still be confident? My sister who is twelve years younger than me has never had a problem with relationships and life in general and exudes confidence, my cousins around my age have always had steady relationships and now their kids are dating also. Meanwhile I have......I know the family thinks I'm gay but I'd rather be alone for life instead of settling for someone who I'm not interested in. And I don't mind if the woman has kids, but 16+ years old, don't feel I can deal with that. I've had foreclosure so I had to move back with my parents for the last three years in the same small ass room that I grew up in, going through that enough can break your spirit and its embarrassing. What girl will understand that you still stay with your parents at 33? Plus I work two dead end jobs with a college degree because my area sucks and right now the decent jobs aren't hiring me. Maybe things will get better but if they haven't by now I don't foresee a sudden change in my fortune, I feel cursed sometimes. Wow, sorry for the long rant, just had to vent because there is no one in my family I can talk to about this because their solution is to go to church or stop whining. I do love God but when no prayers are answered all I can do is lean on my own understanding.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Actually, a lot may understand why you had to move back home with your parents, it isn't such an uncommon thing anymore. There are many people, even ones that are married with children who move back in with their parents to help make ends meet. It isn't such a negative thing anymore. As for the confidence thing, that is harder to do. It's something you have to work on yourself. Maybe take pointers from your sister or cousins. A lot of building confidence is your attitude, your outlook on life.

 

[Ignis]

At the end of the day, I suppose they both go hand in hand.

Success can give you a feeling of accomplishment, which can increase your confidence.
Confidence can give you a feeling you CAN accomplish, which can lead to success.

Keep in mind you don't necessarily need to be confident in what you're doing to be successful, nor the other way around.

To start with, I'd like to point out that while having a lifetime of disappointment can be tough for self-esteem and confidence, it's not impossible to build it back up.
Confidence, especially when broken is tough to build up. But you need to try taking small steps. Many small accomplishments to make a bigger one. Yeah, the small things may not seem like much right now... But keep pushing yourself a little more every day, and things will begin to improve.

As Sci-Fi said, attitude and outlook are key. If you're not happy with yourself, if you're unhappy in general... Believe it or not your body will begin to convey these feelings, whether you want to or not. Girls can pick up on these things, so can your mates and work colleagues.
I know it can be really hard man, but you gotta try and keep a somewhat positive attitude on everything. I'd like to believe there really is someone out there for everyone. 6 odd Billion of us right? Chances of there NOT being someone for you? Not so great.

Moving back in with your parents might feel degrading to you, but it's such a small thing. I know plenty of people who live with their parents. From kids who are 18, to guys in their early to mid 30's.
The cost of living is always rising, and we have to work harder and harder to make up for that. No one will blame you for having to move in with your parents, especially if that girl knows that you're doing something to try and change that... Like, I dunno... Working 2 jobs?


You're definitely not a drop-kick by the sounds of things, so I see no reason as to why girls WOULDN'T be interested in you. It's clear that you're working hard to make something of yourself, and one day it will all pay off.

 

[perfanoff]

You can't have confidence if you're not successful.
But you can be successful and not have confidence.

Get it?

 

[Evil_Genius]

You can however fool yourself into a pretty good facsimile of confidence. It's a good way to get a little headway until success and actual experience breeds real confidence. Or takes the edge off of fear!!!

 

[onmyown1979]

Thanks for the words guys! I have my good and bad days, I guess what gets me down is that I figured I'd be further along in life than what I am now, but I think we all feel that way. I try not to get bitter about it but it gets hard. Best thing to do is to keep fighting...and find someone that's actually single Married women need not apply, lol

 

[Gutted]

That's just it. You need to stay positive and keep trying. Then, even if your efforts amount to nothing in another 30 years, at least you can look back and say you tried. That itself is an achievement,

 

[Lonely Shadow 000]

Here is my opinion on this, and so far it has proved to be true.

Success and Confidence are the result of something even more pure and innate: Resolve. I'll given an example to illustrate my point:

Let's have three people that are trying to achieve something (call it "A").

-One person has been successful and achieved B,C, and D--which aren't exactly A but related.

-One person is purely confident, he hasn't had success with anything but he believes he can achieve A. Why? let's say it's some gut feeling or blinding arrogance.

-One person is neutral. He's not successful nor is he confident in his abilities. He has resolved to achieve A through the force of his will alone.

----

All of them have the capacity to achieve A, and eventually will. However, the person with the most raw resolve will be the most successful. Here's why:

The successful person, by virtue of his success, will feel that A is within his reach because he's already completed B,C, and D and therefore has some experience in handling different operations. But, A isn't the same as B,C, or D and therefore will undoubtedly require some different effort and work. He may try to use the same techniques the succeeded before again but he will still run into difficulties, and in the end it will be a matter of how hard he pushes that will determine if he succeeds in this case.

The confident person will take on task A believing that he is good enough to handle it, he may even feel like it'll be easy. He will also run into the same troubles the successful person did, and will have to push on. Things won't be as easy as this person believed at first and he may get discouraged and stop, since confidence in itself doesn't determine success. He too will have to push on to succeed.

The resolute person is at the biggest disadvantage in the beginning since he doesn't have any previous experience or confidence in his abilities. He does, however, have the will to achieve task A despite these shortcomings. He will undoubtedly run into the same difficulties the other two did, but he's not deceiving himself to be better than he really is like the confident person or trying to solve the new problems like he did the old ones like the successful person, things will be more straight-forward.

So you can see, no matter how a person is, they have to have the resolve to keep going even when obstacles set them back to achieve success.

It is natural to feel confident after success, but I would vouch to avoid confidence at all costs since it'll cause you unnecessary pain and suffering of going through the cycle of inflating and deflating your ego. Why rely on your confidence at all? Have your reasons to be resolute instead.

In the end I'll leave you guys with this. Feel free to quote me on this, and no you don't need to give me credit.


Failures are inevitable, but your resolve to overcome them determines your success.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'd rather be alone than settle too.

I find it ironic that if you don't have a girlfriend, you are assumed to be gay. In my opinion the only thing that makes you gay is if you have a significant other of the same gender.