marlene195
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- Jan 20, 2014
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For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with low self-esteem; people have always brushed it off as mere moments of "insecurity" that we "all have from time to time" as opposed to what has become- at least from my perspective- a huge, imposing demon that destroys any semblance of joy that I could- and ought- to be drawing from my life experiences thus far.
I know the cause of it all, of course: loneliness. I've always been alone, and I've never been quite sure why. People always tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent, and that I'm interesting, yet it seems that in spite of this, they can never give me the time of day. I am twenty-one years old, a junior at an Ivy League university, and while I certainly couldn't even begin to judge whether or not I'm truly "beautiful", I know, at the very least, that I am attractive, yet absolutely none of these things have succeeded in helping me form close relationships with anybody. I am very active in extracurricular activities here, but it always seems that I'm "sidelined" in any groups of which I'm a member. People seem pleased enough to have me there, but if I'm not there, they're just as well-off without me. Nobody ever calls me up just to see how I'm doing or to make plans with me- anytime I wish to see/hear from any of my friends, I have to initiate the contact, yet even then, I'm never a priority. When it came up that my twenty-first birthday was near, two of my friends told me that they were going to plan a party for me, but it never materialized (though they have hosted parties for three of our other girlfriends since then). I have never had men express even the remotest interest in dating me; those that do approach me seem interested only in one-time sexual encounters, which upsets me greatly, not only because I am religiously opposed to anything of the sort, but also because it's just one more instance where it seems that people wish to get by with spending as little time around me as they possibly can... and I just don't understand why.
I've spent years trying to correct whatever thing it is that keeps me from connecting with other people- I follow a very strict diet to stay thing, I have all my clothing altered to fit me properly, I put great effort into all of my schoolwork, and I'm active in all sorts of campus activities- but none of it helps. I'm still just as alone and still just as invisible to the world as I would be if I'd achieved nothing. I find myself now wondering if I ought to try to hone some of my other skills- singing, dancing, even things I've never considered before, like acting, because I'm just so desperate for people to look at me, to appreciate me, and to give me some sort of validation that my presence is good, and desirable and needed.
I know that self-esteem is supposed to come from within, but I honestly don't know how I can continue to prop up my flagging spirits when nothing that I do ever seems to merit recognition. I suppose I could keep striving for bigger and better things- to get into a good law school, to have some sort of sparkling career- but if what I've achieved and who I've become so far hasn't been enough to make me worthy of somebody's attention, then why ought I think that anything else I do will matter, either? At this point in my life, I feel incredibly trapped; I've achieved so many things that others view as the "absolute best", yet in spite of them, I'm still incredibly lonely and unhappy. I spend hours crying and praying for some sort of deliverance from my silent, empty life, but I'm seldom granted any sort of relief.
I honestly just don't know where to go from here. I feel that because of the way that things have turned out so far, there must be something so inherently repulsive about me that nothing I ever do is good enough to outweigh it or cover it. Does anybody have any thoughts as to what it could be, and what I can do to fix it? I am honestly willing to do whatever it will take to make my life even a bit less painful than it is right now.
Any and all advice is appreciated.
Thank you!
M
I know the cause of it all, of course: loneliness. I've always been alone, and I've never been quite sure why. People always tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm intelligent, and that I'm interesting, yet it seems that in spite of this, they can never give me the time of day. I am twenty-one years old, a junior at an Ivy League university, and while I certainly couldn't even begin to judge whether or not I'm truly "beautiful", I know, at the very least, that I am attractive, yet absolutely none of these things have succeeded in helping me form close relationships with anybody. I am very active in extracurricular activities here, but it always seems that I'm "sidelined" in any groups of which I'm a member. People seem pleased enough to have me there, but if I'm not there, they're just as well-off without me. Nobody ever calls me up just to see how I'm doing or to make plans with me- anytime I wish to see/hear from any of my friends, I have to initiate the contact, yet even then, I'm never a priority. When it came up that my twenty-first birthday was near, two of my friends told me that they were going to plan a party for me, but it never materialized (though they have hosted parties for three of our other girlfriends since then). I have never had men express even the remotest interest in dating me; those that do approach me seem interested only in one-time sexual encounters, which upsets me greatly, not only because I am religiously opposed to anything of the sort, but also because it's just one more instance where it seems that people wish to get by with spending as little time around me as they possibly can... and I just don't understand why.
I've spent years trying to correct whatever thing it is that keeps me from connecting with other people- I follow a very strict diet to stay thing, I have all my clothing altered to fit me properly, I put great effort into all of my schoolwork, and I'm active in all sorts of campus activities- but none of it helps. I'm still just as alone and still just as invisible to the world as I would be if I'd achieved nothing. I find myself now wondering if I ought to try to hone some of my other skills- singing, dancing, even things I've never considered before, like acting, because I'm just so desperate for people to look at me, to appreciate me, and to give me some sort of validation that my presence is good, and desirable and needed.
I know that self-esteem is supposed to come from within, but I honestly don't know how I can continue to prop up my flagging spirits when nothing that I do ever seems to merit recognition. I suppose I could keep striving for bigger and better things- to get into a good law school, to have some sort of sparkling career- but if what I've achieved and who I've become so far hasn't been enough to make me worthy of somebody's attention, then why ought I think that anything else I do will matter, either? At this point in my life, I feel incredibly trapped; I've achieved so many things that others view as the "absolute best", yet in spite of them, I'm still incredibly lonely and unhappy. I spend hours crying and praying for some sort of deliverance from my silent, empty life, but I'm seldom granted any sort of relief.
I honestly just don't know where to go from here. I feel that because of the way that things have turned out so far, there must be something so inherently repulsive about me that nothing I ever do is good enough to outweigh it or cover it. Does anybody have any thoughts as to what it could be, and what I can do to fix it? I am honestly willing to do whatever it will take to make my life even a bit less painful than it is right now.
Any and all advice is appreciated.
Thank you!
M
If it is the case then you may have to approach guys first (perhaps easier said than done) and you may still have to be prepared for a bit of shyness.
