Hi everyone. I've had to do a reflective essay lately, and I've been thinking back a bit, and I went through a really traumatic period when I was in year 9 at high school.
Some people might think this would be a trivial thing. What happened was in an effort to make friends I found myself hanging with a couple of girls who thought I was stupid, boring and a dag (Australian for ungainly person, used by teenage girls to stigmatise). Unfortunately I internalised their negative opinion of me. I would say something, and be met with "God you're ....". It's something I remember vividly. I never actually thought that anyone would think that of me, or hate me that much. But I was wrong.
I got away from them after about 9 months and had some more friends in years 11 and 12.But they say social rejection, once it happens, tends to continue. To cut a long story short, the rest of my teens I struggled with mental illness (depression) and social problems, until when I was about 20 I decided I couldn't make any more friends for fear of rejection. And there it's stayed, basically. I'm 42 now, not surprisingly I've never had a boyfriend or had sex. I've never even been on a date! There've been a few who've been half interested, but they weren't that into me, and I couldn't make anything out of it. But I can't get online like other people and ask why, because I know the answer underneath. I'm boring and stupid! I've had it confirmed many times by many people who think this.
This is my deep dark secret (along with my virginity) and I've buried it because I don't consciously think that way anymore but it is still there. Tried a few therapists as well but basically things had already got too bad before I went.
It seems incredible that a 9 month period so many years ago changed the course of my life and is still affecting me.
A lot of people, including my mother, might think it was stupid and weak of me to get so upset about this. But that's a very sensitive age and it shook a core belief in myself, which has never really come back. I'm jealous of people who still have it. And I didn't have the insights and experience back then that I have now, otherwise I might have handled it differently.
Does this sound stupid to people, or understandable?
Some people might think this would be a trivial thing. What happened was in an effort to make friends I found myself hanging with a couple of girls who thought I was stupid, boring and a dag (Australian for ungainly person, used by teenage girls to stigmatise). Unfortunately I internalised their negative opinion of me. I would say something, and be met with "God you're ....". It's something I remember vividly. I never actually thought that anyone would think that of me, or hate me that much. But I was wrong.
I got away from them after about 9 months and had some more friends in years 11 and 12.But they say social rejection, once it happens, tends to continue. To cut a long story short, the rest of my teens I struggled with mental illness (depression) and social problems, until when I was about 20 I decided I couldn't make any more friends for fear of rejection. And there it's stayed, basically. I'm 42 now, not surprisingly I've never had a boyfriend or had sex. I've never even been on a date! There've been a few who've been half interested, but they weren't that into me, and I couldn't make anything out of it. But I can't get online like other people and ask why, because I know the answer underneath. I'm boring and stupid! I've had it confirmed many times by many people who think this.
This is my deep dark secret (along with my virginity) and I've buried it because I don't consciously think that way anymore but it is still there. Tried a few therapists as well but basically things had already got too bad before I went.
It seems incredible that a 9 month period so many years ago changed the course of my life and is still affecting me.
A lot of people, including my mother, might think it was stupid and weak of me to get so upset about this. But that's a very sensitive age and it shook a core belief in myself, which has never really come back. I'm jealous of people who still have it. And I didn't have the insights and experience back then that I have now, otherwise I might have handled it differently.
Does this sound stupid to people, or understandable?