the current love situation...

[cool_breeze]

Hello. This is how I see things these days with regards to love and sex. You have the one night stand/hookup people. You have some people in relationships where the people are really used to each other. It doesn't seem like true love, more like the people are just comfortable with each other so they stick with it. I seem to hold out for true love, which seems much less common than these other 2 categories. So what's the solution? I want to change this. I don't see what the point of having sex with someone is if you aren't going to talk to them again. If I have sex with someone I want to at least be friends. A true one night stand seems like it can lead to even more loneliness. But the common comfort relationship doesn't do much for me either. It's kind of better than nothing but it leaves you wanting more. So you feel lonely also. But true love--the real thing--seems so rare. So what are you supposed to do about your needs for love and sex? Maybe I'm more particular about this than many people but this is how I see things basically. You guys have some ideas?

 

[ShybutHi]

Nice analysis. The problem with love though is that there can be an instant attraction to someone where the spark of love is there immediatly from the start of the relationship or could potentially take even months to years. Also you could love someone or potentially love someone and not even know that you do or will, in which case for some it could be too late if the relationship ended already.

Nevertheless though, I think I view relationship's in a similar way to you. I have only had one realationship in my life which happened in my mid teens and lasted a few months... im still a virgin aswell and im 24. Im one of those people who have great passion when it comes to relationships and really respect honesty and communication in a relationship. I think if someone likes you in that way then it is a wonderful thing and should be appreciated as such. So I am the opposite to someone who just jumps into relationships. Most people dont see it this way but i guess im a bit of a romantic.

 

[DrFlashman]

Wow...lots of stuff to think about here.

But first of all, Cool Breeze, don't get down on Love. Love can be a complex thing. And like ShybutHi says, it can take time to develop. I have had relationship after relationship with nice people who were good partners, but I always ended up leaving because the relationship lacked that certain "something." Well, I just left another relationship, and I've had some serious regrets and it's caused me to realize some things.

Sometimes that certain "something" really just isn't there. But MOST of the time, it is there and/or could be there, but it just takes work to develop it. And I think that's the key word: WORK. Any relationship takes work and attention, whether it's a relationship with your parent, sibling, friends, even your pets!

There's nothing wrong with being selective, or looking until you meet the right person...but if you look at it merely as "waiting" for true love to strike, you might find yourself very lonely for a long time. Because a lot of what people call "love" at first sight is just hormones. And you can have all the chemistry in the world, but if you can't communicate, it's not going to work.

You have to find someone who is willing to do the WORK with you. Someone whose mind and attitude you respect, someone who is not going to always search for the easy way, someone who is going to challenge you to become better, and someone who cares about your feelings and puts them as a priority. It's nice if you already have the hots for that person...but believe me...it's easier to connect with someone mentally and then have hot sex, than it is to have hot sex and then hope you connect mentally. And much more rewarding.

That kind of relationship takes time to find, and it takes work. I haven't found it yet. But it seems like that's a much better recipe for a good relationship than the one I've been following, which is just to quit when things get tough instead of opening up and trying to get to know someone. Because we're all in need of companionship/love, and we all secretly want that. There are very few of us who are genuinely "broken" and unlovable.

Maybe I've drifted off topic here...but I hope you get some value out of what I said. Don't give up on relationships, please.

 

[cool_breeze]

Thanks. I think that's a good reply. I've mentioned a girl I met in another country that I like a lot in some threads. The latest is here. http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=14533&page=4 It seemed like there was some love there. I'm not really sure what's going on now, as my post at the bottom of that page explains.

Yeah there's work. I could be wrong because I'm not the most experienced person in relationships (only had 2-3 and not super long) but I think you can kind of tell if there's something special there or not fairly early in.

DrFlashMan (or anyone else) do you have anything to say about getting sex? I'm no prude and I'm pretty highly sexual, but I would like to get it more than I do. You did say something about connecting mentally first.

I also think some of my friends have skewed me. Some of them have been with 20 or 30 people. I don't even know how that's possible. To me that seems like degrading something special if people do it so easily that it's like shaking hands or something.

I want more of my share of romantic, sexual relationships. But hopefully in a cleaner way than that. I don't know why we "secretly" want love though. Maybe some people act like they don't need it or just want to "have fun". I definitely want love. That's ultimately the main thing worth living for isn't it?

 

[melly]

I think there are three categories to be mindful of – love, sex and love making. It sounds like you want the latter but that will not happen without the former and that takes said work.
Hope you don’t judge me but I have experienced all three and the middle bit has a huge number attached to it. So I am speaking from experience when I tell you that whilst it can be fun at the time it will ultimately leave you feel flat and scared emotionally if what you are looking for is love and the love making. If you just want raw sex do not expect anything beyond basic physical mechanical act and you have to be mentally strong to tell yourself that is all it is and to push any emotions aside. Having experienced all three I know that bit can be so very hurtful at times. Whilst I agree with your view that love is the thing to go for I would lie if I didn’t admit that I found DrFlashMan’s recipe difficult too. Some years ago I found a soulmate without even looking for it and it was great up until sex happened. We tried working on it but that just never changed much, sadly. I arrived at the conclusion that whilst it is important to get on and connect on mental level you also need to have the sexual attraction going hand in hand with it to be absolutely ideal. In my experience when it come to love making the animal instinct will sooner or later take over and if one of you has an urge to do something during the act which the other can not stand it is very difficult to work on. Sure you can both compromise but will you be fulfilled? But having experience it the other way around too personally I found it much easier to work on attitudes, views etc to maintain or improve the mental connection. Love on its own I think takes a bit of time to develop and I think as you work on it it can also change. Not sure I can explain very well what I mean other than finding new things you love your partner for, admiring them, appreciating them etc. I think love itself has a very broad spectrum of emotions and feelings within itself and it may also be that each of us understand something slightly different within it. A good starting point might be to actually debate with partner what it is you each want from a relationship, from partner etc but don’t generalise like be happy, be close etc delve deeper into what you understand under each such word, what makes you happy, close…

Sorry if my answer is not relevant, I didn’t get chance to read your other post. Lastly, please don’t give up it is out there and it will find you when you are least expecting it. You sound like a person that really deserves it just don’t dismiss good friendships along the way waiting for something more.

 

[cool_breeze]

Thanks for the input and also saying I sound like I really deserve love. I think so. The trouble is, with who? Maybe I just shouldn't push this and think about it so much but I'm late 20s. My last relationship was basically a comfort relationship, the type of thing I mentioned in my first post on this thread. And some of the people who know me on this board know I met a girl in another country that I like a lot, and even love and mentioned in this thread also in my last post. I never know what's going on w/ her anymore because our communication has become much less frequent because of some health problems in her family or something. She moved home to take care of a family member and doesn't talk to me that much these days. It's kind of a long distance thing but we have talked very regularly before.

Well, it's a nice day out. I'm kind of tired of thinking about this. Life is so much sweeter with love though. I've been craving it for years. REAL LOVE. Not casual dating, not hookups, not comfort relationships. Jeez. :/