I'm usually a happy bee who can laugh at setbacks easily. I'm that guy who can shrug off almost anything. Almost, because there's this one girl. There's always that one girl. You know it.
Stereotypical teenager drama short story coming up. Just a little safe disclaimer, don't bother reading if you can't stomach stories like these. Ill try to not make this too long, as much as I can.
It was the first year of college. I was in a formal suit for some class, rushing upstairs for some meeting. Then suddenly, no one was there but this pale awkward bug-eyed short girl, looking all cute and lost. She asked for some directions and I kindly accompanied her. I later found out, that we were going to the same meeting, the university theatre club. Now at that time I didn't see her as someone special, just some weird kid, weirder than the average, but so were tons of other girls out here. Nor did I see her in any special kind of way for the following year. We would sometimes hang-out, share weird humor, and have occasional long coffee shop talks alternating between pseudo-intellectual crap and discussion of petty life dramas. Besides, she had a boyfriend that time, one of my close buds in the club. However, I remember always feeling a certain comfort being around her. And a hint of curiosity, something always mysterious about her. At that time when I feel like I know everything, I was susceptible being attracted to enigmatic people whom I can never figure out. So then there, I held it secret, even to go far as constantly denying it to myself, more so to mention it to anyone, that I was attracted to her.
Then came the summer of 2010. She broke up with her boyfriend. The guy's still trying to win her back, while I stayed in the sidelines. Came her birthday. We suddenly met by chance. She planned to spend her birthday alone before we met. She invited me over to her place. There was cake on the table, the same cake that her now ex brought her during the day. Cake, beer, and Family Guy. We ran out of beer so we went out the streets to buy more. We finished a bottle on the sidewalk. Went back up again. She cried, I hugged. We both drank so much, but neither of us became drunk.
If this were a movie, this is the part when:
step 1) I would confront my feelings to her.
step 2) She would reciprocate,
step 3) and then we would sleep together.
The first step never happened. Consequently the following steps didn't. What happened next was she went to bed. It was a double bed so she let me sleep at the top. The music she played was Katie O and the Kids, soundtrack to Where the Wild Things Are. All is Love was the song. I was awake that whole time, pretending to be asleep. Paralyzed.
Now I wouldn't be so caught up with this experience if it was just that. I mean, come on, there's still tomorrow. Then, the next day, she disappeared. Like, literally. People never saw her again. Her phone became out of service. Even her facebook which she rarely uses got cancelled.
A year passed and I got over it. I was walking by the street near the university entrance with some of my buds. Casually strolling by, I saw her. She was there by the tree, talking with some random common friend. Everything slowed down for me, My friends' voices faded out. I walked towards her and stood there, just looking at her with a 12-year old pre-teen half smile. I was Ryan Gosling. She noticed me, cried my name, ran towards me, then gave me a tight, affectionate hug. Stammeringly, I asked what happened to her. Turns out she did some hibernating mode herself, and preoccupied her time with her thesis.
This story would've ended perfectly with that, with me after waiting for the chance to see her again someday, Ill tell her everything, and actually do something this time. It would be a simple ending, with the audience sighing with glee as the credits roll out. But again, life is not a chic flick.
For the following months we were able to renew our friendship. Pathetically, I was still not able to tell her anything that has anything to do with my feelings. Again, I became comfortable with a comfortable friendship. And what complicated me more was, during the time she was away, I began to develop another relationship with a different girl.
She was then working, while I was finishing off my few remaining classes. On free days, we would go out with common friends, watch a movie, or have a pot session. All harmless family friendly stuff. Then around November of 2011, it became regular that we would take a taxi together at night - we pass the same way, she going to work from her condo near school, and me heading home. One night she was running off late, and I cant seem to contact her. And then suddenly, here I am now proud to say without any hint of bitterness, I shat myself. I sent her a really really long text message trying to tell her everything I've felt since we met five years before. It was a really awkward message. I mean, reeeaaally awkward (and I don't like using forced onomatopoeia). She responded well enough, with a text that was neither positive nor negative. However, I am stupid enough to beat a dying horse. The next few months I would be trying to send her messages, and asking for a date, or trying any of those stuff that the Disney Prince can charmingly effortlessly do. I then saw myself dwindle away. I deteriorated into the psycho suitor. I seem to have been trying to compensate my inaction for five years with a psychotic fervor similar to a meth-induced Sisyphus. I stood no chance with her, and at the same time, I've destroyed some of my own personal core beliefs.
The whole regret of this story is during that first night that I did absolutely nothing to at least gain or solidify my affection for her. I became too comfortable with the feeling of a meaningful friendship.
I've been rejected before, many times even. Rejection is nothing. But it's only with this one particular girl, that whenever I remember that particular time when I messed up, I could not help myself thinking of the chain-reaction that would be set that could have made so much a difference with my life right now.
Man, that felt good
