The evil things I've done

[Darkest Seraphim]

It's been going on for years. I've talked with people online and made friends with them. But, there have been times where I've become so weak and so close to the edge, so close to ending it all. At these times is where my demons take over and drive me to the brink of insanity. And when im about to self destruct, when its about to end for me... a new hell begins.

Like i said i've talked with people online. When im at the bottom about to dissapear from this world one of these online people come along and i seek comfort from them. Many years ago I sought comfort form someone just like me. A lost soul with a pure heart filled with love just waiting to burst out. Noone is pure but i saw it in him.. i saw the void in myself that needed to be filled.

When we talked the question of my gender never came up. But he seemed to think i was a girl. It never came to my mind what to say, but when he asked i always avoided the question until he assumed that i was a girl. I'm not sure why. I dont think i acted feminine, but something felt very right about being treated like a human for once. It felt so good to be wanted to be sought after. So, i went along with it.

Then evil enveloped me and pierced into my being corrupting me to the core. Ive always known that a part of me was demented and cruel. I've hated it because i never wanted to be that way ive always wanted to be like I was here with him. The person i felt that he.. that I deserved. He was in love with the person i had created, and so was I. I wanted it to be so real so bad, but it was impossible. I wasnt him, I wasnt in love, the person i created didnt exist. But, it felt so good to be wanted. So i went along with it.... for 3 years.

When i could not lie anymore. I dissapeared and took my sorrow with me, and left him with his. Im not homosexual im not bisexual im not bicurious. I was just desperate. So so so desperate. In the end it wasn't real. The only thing that was real was the pain and suffering i caused. And the endless guilt i feel now.

There is no way i can attone for my sins. If there is a hell im sure im going straight for it. If anyone is even close to understanding this... id like to konwhow i can ever feel good about myself. When the memories come flooding back into my mind, the edge comes closer to me feet, and my soul gets closer to hell.

 

[lonelydude]

Dude, in no way is that a sin, u were just lonely, im not gonna say its a really good thing u did , but at the same time, PEOPLE have done MUCH EVILER things, such as blood relatives back stabbing each other for stuff like money, friends betraying each other for issues like women. U sound like a very innocent guy , though the act u did went on for 3 yrs, the guy who u talked to with did have to understand that online ppl can pretend to be whoever they want.

Just forgive urself dude , and realize that ppl do MUCH worse stuff and refuse to acknowledge that they didn aything wrong. You are much better than those and teh fact that u think what u did is wrong is punishment enough for u

U arnt going to hell, heck u should go to hell for feeling guilty for too long. Relax dude, what u did didnt cost anyone their lives or money.

 

[Kristen]

Seraphim,
please relax. Its not as bad as u think. how do u know if his feelings were as much hurt as urs?
another quest. --for those 3 yrs nothing happened btw u ?
if u think about hell I think u're forgiven cause u didnt hurt anybody for fun...u are feeling remorse. guilt is one of the worse self punishments that u can torture urself with. It'll ruin u. Let it go.What happened --happened. Im sure he got over it and forgave u. The most impo thing is to forgive urself.The problem is that if u never told him why u left he might wonder if theres somth seriously wrong with him. So i would jast write him a letter or somth to let him know what happened maybe u could still be close friends
and dont be so hard on urself. U have no idea what ppl do to others and the worst thing is that they never regret it..thore are evil demons.

 

[toxic-tears]

Don't push it as a guilt to yourself. Its not your fault. Like what kristen said "what happen, happens", past is past. Your have to move on. And focus on what's heading you. Don't let your past hold you to move forward. I admit it sound like being slefish not to let the guy know that you are not a girl. But shake it off. I think he will understand the situation. On the top of that, some time ahead you'll find somebody to share your life with. Always remember the phrase "it's not yet the end of the world". You can still have people come into you life, some are only passers-by yet there are some who really stay by yourside through thick and thin. Forget the part of your past that hunts your guilt ok.. Hope you will do fine.

 

[Darkest Seraphim]

Seraphim,
please relax. Its not as bad as u think. how do u know if his feelings were as much hurt as urs?
another quest. --for those 3 yrs nothing happened btw u ?
if u think about hell I think u're forgiven cause u didnt hurt anybody for fun...u are feeling remorse. guilt is one of the worse self punishments that u can torture urself with. It'll ruin u. Let it go.What happened --happened. Im sure he got over it and forgave u. The most impo thing is to forgive urself.The problem is that if u never told him why u left he might wonder if theres somth seriously wrong with him. So i would jast write him a letter or somth to let him know what happened maybe u could still be close friends
and dont be so hard on urself. U have no idea what ppl do to others and the worst thing is that they never regret it..thore are evil demons.

Lots of thing happened that i cant bring myself to even type. But the relationship was pretty deep. Way deeper than it ever should have gotten.

Theres no way I can contact him. I cut all ties and never looked back. I guess i could find him somehow. I really doubt he will be understanding. How could anyone be when 3 years of there life was taken?

Forgiving myself is hard to do. Mainly because I know how i would feel if i was on the other end. I've been waiting so long for somone to understand and love me. To be taken like that would crush me for sure.

 

[diamond-dancer]

As someone who was deceived by someone she loved for years on end, I'm not going to rate what you did on a scale of evilness. Being lied to hurts. It really ******* hurts. It took me years to understand why anyone would do that to someone else... to cause so much pain.

What you did was cruel. The important thing is that you know it was cruel. As Kristen said, some people can do horrible things and not think twice about it. They're the people who scare me.

Recognising you did the wrong thing proves you have a heart and a conscience, and while you have those, you can't be all bad. Misery led you to do this, so you know remaining miserable isn't the answer for you.

You can't change what happened. You can ask forgiveness or explain yourself, but that doesn't mean the guy has to forgive you. If you feel so bad about what happened, then learn from it... never do it again. Become better than you were.

 

[Controlling_Freak]

It's been going on for years. I've talked with people online and made friends with them. But, there have been times where I've become so weak and so close to the edge, so close to ending it all. At these times is where my demons take over and drive me to the brink of insanity. And when im about to self destruct, when its about to end for me... a new hell begins.

Like i said i've talked with people online. When im at the bottom about to dissapear from this world one of these online people come along and i seek comfort from them. Many years ago I sought comfort form someone just like me. A lost soul with a pure heart filled with love just waiting to burst out. Noone is pure but i saw it in him.. i saw the void in myself that needed to be filled.

When we talked the question of my gender never came up. But he seemed to think i was a girl. It never came to my mind what to say, but when he asked i always avoided the question until he assumed that i was a girl. I'm not sure why. I dont think i acted feminine, but something felt very right about being treated like a human for once. It felt so good to be wanted to be sought after. So, i went along with it.

Then evil enveloped me and pierced into my being corrupting me to the core. Ive always known that a part of me was demented and cruel. I've hated it because i never wanted to be that way ive always wanted to be like I was here with him. The person i felt that he.. that I deserved. He was in love with the person i had created, and so was I. I wanted it to be so real so bad, but it was impossible. I wasnt him, I wasnt in love, the person i created didnt exist. But, it felt so good to be wanted. So i went along with it.... for 3 years.

When i could not lie anymore. I dissapeared and took my sorrow with me, and left him with his. Im not homosexual im not bisexual im not bicurious. I was just desperate. So so so desperate. In the end it wasn't real. The only thing that was real was the pain and suffering i caused. And the endless guilt i feel now.

There is no way i can attone for my sins. If there is a hell im sure im going straight for it. If anyone is even close to understanding this... id like to konwhow i can ever feel good about myself. When the memories come flooding back into my mind, the edge comes closer to me feet, and my soul gets closer to hell.

Now I'm going to hell for sure...thinking of all the thing I done recently

 

[Silvernight]

DS.. it is not a good thing you've done but you didn't do it out of malice. You just wanted some genuine company but went about it the wrong way. Like the previous posters said, guilt is the most terrible punishment of all. It's just ruining you and certainly not helping anyone else. If I may be so bold, I think you should write that guy an explanation and say sorry. I'm not so sure he'd be eager to forgive, not at once anyway, but you will feel better. You owe him that much. Because he must have thought there was something seriously wrong with him, I know I'd assume that if I had correspondence with someone for three years and then were dumped without any explanation (by the way, a somewhat similar though probably much less dramatic situation may be happening to me right now, though it's too early to tell yet I guess, but it is certainly unpleasant). In short, explain to him how you felt and that you didn't mean to be a jerk and he might understand.

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Do you think there's something deeper going on than just wanting affection? I mean, I know a lot of lonely guys, but I don't think they'd pretend to be a girl for 3 years doing things that are untypable just for the affection/love/attention. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this?

I'm not condemning; I'm not belittling. I just wonder what it is that would make this "okay" for you in your mind. Maybe it wasn't always your fault.... some things can go wrong in our heads and make us do abnormal things.

 

[Skorian]

Do you think there's something deeper going on than just wanting affection? I mean, I know a lot of lonely guys, but I don't think they'd pretend to be a girl for 3 years doing things that are untypable just for the affection/love/attention. Have you ever talked to a therapist about this?

I'm not condemning; I'm not belittling. I just wonder what it is that would make this "okay" for you in your mind. Maybe it wasn't always your fault.... some things can go wrong in our heads and make us do abnormal things.

Hmmmm, I had this same thought actually. A thought about something I won't say. I can't even imagine doing something like this. Not only to someone, but actually doing it at all period...

He would have to have known.... would have to. Some small thing would give you away... 3 years, there is no way he didn't know.

 

[Darkest Seraphim]

Oh I kept it going thats for sure. This isnt a simple misunderstanding here that led to a whole host of assumtions made. After i got into the position that i was in, I became an addict i guess for the attention/affection. It was very stupid because i also felt misery everyday that it went on. But, i couldnt stop and tell the truth cuz then it would all end.... Its terrible. I feel so dirty in every possible way. Some therapy could do me good. As for othe rmotivations behind it. I really didnt get anyhting out of it other than just the feeling of being wanted. I certainly didnt get off on his pain, or my own. I dont think many people are capable of doing what i did, which is scary in itself to think about. To me its worse than a crime, because things like money and belongings dont really matter to me. To me its worse to hurt someones feelings than it is to slap them across the face. This is whyt its so hard to get over this hump. If it were done to me i would want blood for sure. Perhaps thats more evil, i dunno. Either way it ends up and a big pile of suck anyways.

 

[Darkest Seraphim]

oh and What did you do Controlling_Freak? That is if you feel like sharing.

 

[Darkest Seraphim]

Progress Report: After much soul searching I have attempted to make contact with this person and set the record straight. It actually wasnt very hard to get ahold of him as i knew people online that could get me the information i needed to at least send an email.


I thought up a long long email that explained everyhting. IT look a lot of guts and tears to write and it took me nearly all that day to get it sent. I lost it several time while writing up this "COnfession" of sorts. The guilt inside has rotted me to the core fo rsure. and the pain of reliving such events was a jolt to the system.

After about a day i got a reply. As expected it wasnt pretty, but it wasnt anything close to what i deserved. IT was full of hatred but also forgivness. The usual "How could you!?" and "What is wrong with you!?" , "How can you live with yourself?" was in there. But , then phrases like "I've moved on." "You shoulda told me early. We could have been freinds." and the worst yet.. "I am still glad i met you." were also there.

This only makes it harder for me... He is of corse a good guy who deserves a lot more than what he has. And me... I deserve to rot. This only asure the fact that he is the victim.. and i am the villain. The little dignity i had is even smaller. And while this is a better ending that what it could have been its still bittersweet.