S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I run. I run too much. Fight or flight...i choose flight;
I really dont want to face this problem...
Its something I"m ashamed of. Afraid of...it causes me endless anxiety. And yet...I feel as though no one could possibly understand it. THey'd just give me a "what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-look..."
I dont like that look. *frowns* So i close my mouth and try to forget about it...and smile a bit.
*sigh*
I have paper anxiety. I HATE PAPERS. I got on academic probation while at a previous university and...its...caused me to be SO phobic of papers. I hate them. And...guess what. This semester...i've already failed a class because I didnt do a paper. It was my downfall. *sad look* Fear of failure actually begets failure. The irony of this is cruel and yet...its so true. My own fear of failure is...well...making me fail. Literally.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing another paper...but ...I procrastinate out of fear. I dont want to look at it. And every time I procrastinate it reinforces the bad habit and deepens the fear. I'm just locked in a vicious cycle.
This summer...i had a 10 page paper to do...and i'd sit there...night after night, sleepless...looking at it...working on it. And...crying. LOL. Man i sound pathetic. But it caused me so much stress because I was trying to be perfectionistic on it. I wanted to give the teacher a perfect paper and...well...the material I picked out was HARD so I had to learn it....while I did the paper. And...idk it just discouraged me SO much because I went over the deadline 3 weeks and the teacher STILL accepted it. Probably out of pity.
I have issues and yet...no one seems to understand how large they seem to me. Ever since I was a little girl i wanted to go to college and...well...now sometimes I just want to get a job as a postal worker and live out my life that way instead of facing this stress...this seemingly insurmountable fear of failure.
and the question keeps ringing in my mind " Am I just lazy? Is this just Laziness....Is this a moral failing?"
I dont want to face my parents with another failure. I cant.
When I get stuck on papers....I feel so hopeless...and sad. I dont want to face papers anymore...or my parents asking me "how could you get another F?" It makes me feel SO ashamed.
All this from the girl who was a member of the National Honor Society in high school. I'm not dumb...just...I dont know.
I need help. Does anyone have suggestions? Can anyone offer me assistance?
I really dont want to face this problem...
Its something I"m ashamed of. Afraid of...it causes me endless anxiety. And yet...I feel as though no one could possibly understand it. THey'd just give me a "what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you-look..."
I dont like that look. *frowns* So i close my mouth and try to forget about it...and smile a bit.
*sigh*
I have paper anxiety. I HATE PAPERS. I got on academic probation while at a previous university and...its...caused me to be SO phobic of papers. I hate them. And...guess what. This semester...i've already failed a class because I didnt do a paper. It was my downfall. *sad look* Fear of failure actually begets failure. The irony of this is cruel and yet...its so true. My own fear of failure is...well...making me fail. Literally.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing another paper...but ...I procrastinate out of fear. I dont want to look at it. And every time I procrastinate it reinforces the bad habit and deepens the fear. I'm just locked in a vicious cycle.
This summer...i had a 10 page paper to do...and i'd sit there...night after night, sleepless...looking at it...working on it. And...crying. LOL. Man i sound pathetic. But it caused me so much stress because I was trying to be perfectionistic on it. I wanted to give the teacher a perfect paper and...well...the material I picked out was HARD so I had to learn it....while I did the paper. And...idk it just discouraged me SO much because I went over the deadline 3 weeks and the teacher STILL accepted it. Probably out of pity.
I have issues and yet...no one seems to understand how large they seem to me. Ever since I was a little girl i wanted to go to college and...well...now sometimes I just want to get a job as a postal worker and live out my life that way instead of facing this stress...this seemingly insurmountable fear of failure.
and the question keeps ringing in my mind " Am I just lazy? Is this just Laziness....Is this a moral failing?"
I dont want to face my parents with another failure. I cant.
When I get stuck on papers....I feel so hopeless...and sad. I dont want to face papers anymore...or my parents asking me "how could you get another F?" It makes me feel SO ashamed.
All this from the girl who was a member of the National Honor Society in high school. I'm not dumb...just...I dont know.
I need help. Does anyone have suggestions? Can anyone offer me assistance?