The letter

[DemonsInside]

My first post here of many many more to come... (names are slightly varied to protect identities.. since locations are mentioned)

Each night when I head home and turn at the corner, I look towards your old spot, hoping by some miracle this was a dream. I look and sigh, and each night as I turn off the engine of my car and head towards the stairs. You always knew when I was home, you could hear me.. I cry. Not one tear, not two, but enough..I'm sure everyone in the apts can hear me.
You knew exactly what would happen when you left to me... You knew I'd fall apart, you knew I'd cry.. I remember you watching me cry so loud and sob the morning you left, but you didn't even try and comfort me.. You placed a kiss on my cheek and said goodbye..Just as has been done so many times before. The same silence.. the same screaming and dying inside.. the same kiss.. the same goodbye...
Was I just supposed to put a smile on and not care? Was I supposed to just let you go and be fine with it? Maybe it'd been okay.. if I didn't emotionally entwine myself with you. I might not have cared if I didn't devote myself and life to you.
You were happy here, and you can't deny it..the first snow fall..our silly run through the rain and water.. don't try and tell me all that ment nothing. You froliced in the snow.. I took the pictures on your camera, so beautiful, so lovely.. so entirely mine you were.. that I believed it.. so entirely I was yours. Just like my mind races now so did yours... but I didn't let anyone influence my decision to marry you.. it's what I wanted, it's what made me so relaxed I knew and so I thought we were so powerful.. our dedication to each other.. our love..Your vows were beautiful..
I just wanted what was best for your daughters.. and honestly the best was not with us at the moment.. It was going to happen this summer, we were going to have them here.. did you even ask them if they wanted to come out here?
The one thing I've learned from watching and observing parents is that sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness for them. You become their guide and when they were going to come out.. I wanted to adopt them, Lis. It brings tears to my eyes to tell you this. I mean.. did you not watch me with them during Christmas? Everyone can say I looked miserable and unhappy, but you KNOW the truth.. you know I told you how special christmas was, you know because I cried..
I was worried, Lis, and rightfully so, as a husband as a father who was going to have two children to take care of. It was not that I wasn't ready. I WANTED the best for them and us. Finish school, get a great job..keep working hard.. Lissa will see it, she'll know how much you love her and them. Those were the very thoughts in my head. Work hard and you'll get ahead.
Money this and money that.. yeah I was frugal always worried and talking about how we never had money. But Lissa...around half of my pay was already GONE before I got the money. Yeah the car was my problem as well as my 2600 loan. But our rent 445 and our electricty, cable, (120) then my phone, car insurance (130) We had less then a 100 bucks on food...gas..and other things each month..and as much as we loved to eat out... well..
I'M NOT BLAMING YOU. please don't take it that way as you have in the past. I just want you to know why I did what I did, what was going on in my head.. the stress.. the worry.. the depression.
So many husbands.. so many fathers suffer just to see their family survive.. how could we take care of our daughters..when we had less then 100 bucks to get through the month.. I didn't want them to suffer..I didn't want us to starve. I didn't want them to think our family was any different.. I didn't want them to endure the same crap growing up poor that I did, the same ridicule, the same harrassment at school.
Again; I was soooo happy as a family with you and Mia, our home was beautiful we had it all. I wasn't perfect.. yeah I did a lot of horrible things to you.. but I changed.. you can't deny that I changed. I stopped lying to you.. I became what I thought you wanted me to become.
I know you called..was it for me? was it only because I asked you too? Would you have done so if I hadn't asked you to? Why do you think I'm trying to manipulate you? Were you cold on the phone or did you sound like you actually cared about what happened to me? Or did you call because if something did happen to me, would it be because you'd feel guilty?
I was needy? because I called you everyday from work? Because you were my few minutes of sanity from the job I HATE. I was clingy? Because I wanted to be next to you? because I wanted to snuggle and sit with you, because I was always close to you? I remember you used to say.. it's okay you'll have me forever, for the rest of our lives.. remember when we used to sleep in till 2 and come out and have breakfast.. I loved being near you. I loved being close.. Why couldn't you talk to me? Everything I did annoyed you or bothered you.
I was doing what I thought you wanted me to do, attach to you emotionally.. be close.. have you be my world, instead of all these other people. so I did... I thought you wanted to be Mrs. Elisabeth XXXX. So we were married.. then what? You said you felt nothing? What?! How?! How can you marry someone and feel nothing...
All I needed was just the rest of this year, Lis, and next summer we would have been moving to XXXX.. I just needed one more year..the girls would have came out this summer for the school year, and we would have been back in XXXX the next... What's one year? I'd have gotten a job..I'd be working on my master's degree. You could be in school..even.. if you still left and wanted to keep our marriage. I'd have been out there as much as I could to see you and spend time with you.. yeah it'd been rough.. but we could have done it.. just a year.then I'd move out myself to be with you.

 

[DemonsInside]

Me: Couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something....


Me: Call it my search for answers and understanding:
I was looking through your Vox blog..most of the older posts from 07..


You: This week is Thanksgiving and I have to say that I am glad that Jason was able to get it off because I really didn't want to have to feel so alone. My entire family is out of state and I am planning on going back for Christmas but won't have the money or time off to go for thanksgiving. His mom, step-dad and brother lives here in town but since his mom hates me, I doubt I will be going anywhere near them. I think we will be going on a 2 hour drive to Grand Coulee where his grandparents all live. They actually like me too. I just really didn't want to have to spend our first holiday season apart from each other just because his silly grocery store job won't let him have it off. He is a hard worker and he has worked there for 7 years and has only called in sick a grand total of 3 days. Yeah, he is a great worker and I just wish they realized that. I can't wait until he is just done with school and can get on with doing what he loves as well.

Me: I wish you would have shared these things with me.. You really did know how hard I worked for us.

Me: Your picture in the first snow is beautiful.

You: It was so easy for us to talk to each other online but when it came to communication in person, that was a whole other story. We started going to counseling to help us through those times of transition for us and it helped us get to know each other on a much deeper level besides the internet persona's we had presented each other originally.


Me: Lissa? Why do you still call me Jas? Jas is a term that I reserved specially for you after my dad used it. I mean.. if you still love me.. just tell me.

You: I have to say that it was a very Merry Christmas indeed. I have loved every moment I could be here with my kids. I missed them so much and will miss them again when I am gone.

You: I don't know when I will be coming back and I told him that there is a big chance that I am NOT coming back. Gah! Everything is so up in the air. He said "Well, I don't even know what that means for us." I told him it meant nothing more than me needing to go home to be with my daughters where I belong. I have told him it was my mistake coming back in the first place and apologized for making things so **** complicated. Its not as though I don't care about him. I do. I think that is what kept me here in the first place but this is all wrong.


Me: I can't help but Bang my head against the desk because while yes this is your writing, these are the things and all and all of what you and I should have always been talking about. Maybe I'm just a glutton for self-punishment and agony.

Me: Everything is so different now...I wish you were here for me to cry upon I wish I could hold you one last time.. I wish. The last few pictures of us I have..I mourn over it.. I mourn over my loss of happiness.. I mourn over the loss of us..it just feels like another escape from a fall out we've had. Why can't we work on this why can't we save our marriage? Why? tell me why? I want to so badly! never wanted anything more!

Me: Things were wrong, but that doesn't mean we can't make things right...Our marriage our love? I hold on..because I think that's what makes a relationship...





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get the MapQuest Toolbar, Maps, Traffic, Directions & More!

 

[DemonsInside]

I'm trying to take care of myself, but all my resources are about zapped; I'm tired physically emotionally and am in danger of losing my job. My concentration is shot.. and my memory has become so poor lately.. that I'm beginning to question the one thing I have never questioned and thats how brilliant (at least book wise I am) I'm in a trance like state..and while I have no right to destroy myself it's very easy to do so.
Before you I was depressed too.. but I was what we call in our field a "functioning depressive" -gives her a lesson- one who suffers deep despair while still maintaining the appearance of living a successful, happy and fulfilled life. I seemed happy. . I could do whatever I wanted I had no ties.. I was living carefree.. I was.. able to act happy, fool you, fool family, fool anyone.
But then comes clincial depression, which I have stepped into.. I can cry at the drop of a hat. All sorts of distractions are used, people, drugs, alcohol, video games.. you name it.. anything to change how I feel.
And it worked, Lissa, it worked for a while, it worked for years and then it took this..those feelings of alienation. abandonment, have overwhelemed me and now we have a crisis.

So here I am, Lissa, allow me to explain: I look in the mirror and sigh. I hope each morning, or some in the future, tomorrow, 2 months from now.. that some mythical, brilliant and shimmering morning that I wake up or my pills have worked some kind of inexorable magic. Corrected a chemical imbalace or something, just like all those happy pill commericals say.. or just like I know is supposed to happy, being trained in this field. Like millions of people, just like me (only I'm educated in this mind you.) "This pill can help! It works to correct chemical imbalances in the brain," the voice over says. The you begin to wonder.. about it all and take the medicine. But I do hope, fervently, that my life will become a little easier. a little less stressed. I hope desperately, that the pills will make me feel better, that the medicine hidden away will travel to my brain and do something. I brush my teeth and hope one day I will feel better.
Just like me and everyone else, we know that this is probably depression.
Interestingly enough lets remember back to the 80s and 90s.. the golden age of depression and why? Because of our push in school on self-esteem.. We platituded and gave all kinds of fake compliments to everyone and anyone, because; it was important to make sure everyone felt good about each other because..if not they'll join gangs! Gang members have low self-esteem.. or so we thought (actually they have inflated ones.)
But fresia that honeysuckle.. to those of us experienced in mental health there is depression and Depression. The first type is a terribly broad and bland term, indicating “the blues,” “feeling down,” “bummed out,” “in the dumps,” “low,” “a little tired,” “not quite myself,” each a standard part of the daily human predicament. Major depressive disorder, however, is a harrowing and indisputably profound and serious medical condition. To confuse the two, depression with Depression, is to compare a gentle spring rain to a vengeful typhoon.
So..what's a true diagnosis of major depression? Quite simple: Inability to feel pleasure of any kind whatsoever, loss of interest in everything, extreme self-hatred or guilt, inability to concentratete or to do, the simpliste things, sleeping all the time, or not being able to sleep at all, dramatic weight gain and/or loss and wanting to kill yourself or actually trying to kill yourself. Truly depressed people like myself, do not smile or laugh ( I fake it for work /shrug), they may not talk or want to talk. ( check) they are not fun to be with (check) they do not wish to be visited (check) they may not eat (check again) Hmm no wonder my pants don't fit and they exude a palpable and monstrous sense of pain. Its a thing unto itself.
The emotional pain I feel is worse than ANY pain of ANY physical illness DEPRESSED people really really want to die and thinking about dying, or planning their death takes up a great deal of their time. (Again, I'm telling you this because I trust you.) People don't understand that when I say I wish I was dead I really do wish it, or when they ask if there's anything they can do to help. I say.. shoot me, stab me, drown me..that I do mean it. So horrorific is the incapacitation that the highest risk of suicide actually comes when people feel slightly better. In the throes of true depression: depressed patients are too dissipated to even muster the energy to kill themselves. Even I thought I knew the difference between the blues and major depression. It's full and malicious force...The only treatments are hospitialization.. supervision, rest, quiet, sedativies, sleep medications, appropriate levels of antidepressants and electroshock therapy. Electroshock therapy HAS horrific side effects (short term memory loss)..but it remains the most effectives.
So what's the problem? Well.it's being viewed as the aftermath of a divorce, but..it was always there. you know it.. you've seen it. But no one is offering to help me for the full blownness of this disease.it's not the blues because my wife left, IT'S full blown depression only now as it's always been, but I kept functioning I've got a family I've a wife too support but with that gone... I'm too weak and hurt to keep that functioning depressive look up.

So yeah.. hah..people can tell me to go and hang out and be more social.. and be more uplifted and uplooking but the truth is Lissa.. real depressed people can not do it. It's not because they won't it's because they can't.
I'm not here to school you on depression, but I figured the best description comes from someone who is in the throes of hell.
I know very well what you could do with this and I hope you realize that I trust you enough not to do it but as my wife you need to know, if anything should ever happen to me you need to though.
I look over to the card table with all your things on it.. and I just shake my head now..and sigh wtf is wrong with me.. am I that angry and pissed off.. or is it hurt?
Let's consider this: Rational thought tells me that I want to be friends with you.. I don't want you out of my life.. no, you were my wife, you are my wife, and what happens next, yeah, but you ment something to me then, you'll always be something to me. This presents a dangerous thing though; Its scary now, that I CAN talk to you about anything and everything.. look at me just be able to type and type and type and type to you endlessly and for hours on end I could. Maybe you don't trust me and that's fine. but here I am like in confession pouring out everything to you, because I trust you as I should've all along. It doesn't change anything.. just sadness and sorrow for what I knew would have eventually come around, but took so long..

Isolation: We both know how isolated I am.. because of my hatred for society and life. You are right in saying that some of this has been brought on by others. Feeling isolated and alone comes with depression and with depression you feel isolated and alone. The psychological costs have far outwayed any physical deprivation. as I'm sure it did with you. You wonder why I decry my isolation? it's because I'm so depressed that I cannot do anything about it. I am singled out and seperated as it were from all the world, to be miserable. I am divided from mankind, a solitary, one banished from human society. I have no soul to speak to or to relieve me. This is how I felt before you, and how I feel now. You wonder why this is taking such a huge toll on me.. well it's simple with you I wasn't singled out I wasn't seperated.. I was with you I was not one, but two. I wasn't...miserable, just learning how to be one with two. I had you to speak to to relieve me. That bond is scary yes, and dangerous. I DON'T intend for you to change how you feel.. just understand how I am feeling.
How the hell could I explain this to you orally? I had been communicating my feelings and emotions through type for years through the computer that I had no reason to feel it in person so I stopped.. it's not right what I did all those months and seemed to feel nothing. I felt hell and everything.. I didn't know how to tell you in person..I didn';t show it because you can't behind a screen so I stopped using it.
Unfortunately, I'm beyond that.. as my isolation wears on.. I am scared, I can no longer sleep. My memory is shot to honeysuckle, my concentration is messed, depression, fatigue and general confusion. My crazy tagents? My illogical conclusions? You telling me what I say doesn't make sense anymore? I hope this is all coming clearer or maybe I'm sounding pretty ******* crazy.
What comes next? The scariest part prolonged periods of isolation are also marked by hallucinations and delusions. The psychological effects of isolation are so destructive that some cultures consider solitary confinement a form of torture. Just the prospect of facing life alone rather then in isolation has sever psychological complications. They engaged in self-defeating behaviors.The forecast of a life alone impaires your capacity for rational, intelligent thought. I won't lie Lissa.. I went through and have emotional lonliness.. I have trouble and had trouble establishing a long-term meaningful intimate relationship with a woman. Then you came along... and I started establishing that with you and now that it's gone.. of course I feel out of my mind. You removed my emotional lonliness.. but here I am again, back at where I started only this time, I've fallen soooo many times I don't want to get up.
Maybe this explains what's in my head. Maybe not. I wish you were here when I realized this... all this because I would have had a purpose and reason to get better and get help, I would have had support while I went through the trials and tribulations..
There may come a time to do something with this and there may not. You'll know what decision to make.. in time.