the pain of rejection (very long)

[Mitternacht]

Hey guys, this is my very first thread here but i've been a lurker for a while now and I think it's time for me to vent. I'm 26 and I just got through a 2 year relationship with an older woman (40) whom had left her husband in Cuba to come to the States. I met her a little over a year after she settled down here in the US when a friend of a friend referred her to me for computer tech support, which I would often do as sort of a side job. The day I went over to do the job, I immediately noticed an attraction coming from her, as she would sort of grab at my hand or arm whenever I made her laugh and tbh, I really liked it So, when I finished up with her computer, I quickly gave her my number and told her she could call me if she had ANY problems at all.

So a few days later she started calling me up with rather silly questions like "how do i change my wallpaper" or "how do I empty the recycle bin" and she would then start to ask me things about myself, so it was becoming pretty obvious that she had some sort of interest in me. Since I've never had any real girlfriends or relationships with girls prior to this one, It took me a while to finally muster up the balls to let her know I was interested in her. She told me she was indeed attracted to me but that she still had her husband back in Cuba who was planning on returning to her whenever he got his visa passport, or whatever. I told her we could just hang out, i'd give her some driving lessons and maybe teach her a little english and that there'd be no commitment whatsoever. She seemed to like the idea.

So now we start to see eachother, a few weeks go by, we finally hook up and before I knew it, we were doing everything together. We'd make out, hold hands, watch TV and cuddle. Pretty much everything I ever dreamed about in a relationship. We spend pretty much every day in each other's company and when we couldn't be together, we'd talk for hours on the phone. She'd say everything short of "i love you" to me

Throughout the whole relationship, though, I always knew that this would come to a crashing end when her husband finally got his papers in order to come to the United States, but I would quickly bury the thought in the back of my mind and just though about all the good times we were still going to have.

Everything went great until the beginning of October of last year when the once daily phone calls started turning into 1 call every 2-3 days and when we would finally speak, it didn't feel like I was talking to the same loving person whom I'd known for so long. I finally asked her what was going on and why she was acting so cold and that's when she told me that she had spoken to her husband and she thought he'd be arriving some time in december. It felt like my heart was torn right out of my chest. In the mean time, she showed seemingly little emotion. I always thought that when this day finally came that she'd be balling her eyes out, but no. Cold as ice.

So we still stayed in contact. We spoke maybe once every week or week and a half, just as friends. On Jan 10th, I decided to send her a picture of myself with the title "for you to remember me by" and to my utter surprise, she sent me two pictures. One of her face and another cleavage shot. I quickly called her, told her how beautiful she looked, that I missed her so much and much to my surprise, she wasn't cold to me anymore. She spoke to me like she would when we were going out. Since her husband didn't arrive as expected, I thought there was still hope for at least one more time together, so I asked her if she'd like to see me again. She said "we'll see" and the she didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore than she already has. The conversation ended with "Te quiero" (spanish for I care for you) and a couple of over-the-phone kisses from her.

I was so full of anticipation with the thought of possibly seeing her again that I decided to ring her up a couple of days ago to ask her out to a movie or something. And now, out of the blue, she's completely ignoring all my calls, texts and e-mails. I think she's completely cut me off now. I tried calling today and all I get is the f*cking answering machine! I just can't wrap my mind around it. Is she doing it for my own good? Does she really not feel anything for me anymore after 2 years? Why doesn't she miss me as much as I thought she would? was she just using me all this time? did she get bored of me? these questions are all I can think of now. I feel so used and so much resentment towards her, I don't understand how she just ignore me like this. I'd never be able to to it to her without feeling terrible.

I guess the worst part of getting dumped is still caring for someone who no longer cares for you. Any other alpha dude would just find himself a rebound date f*ck her brains out and move on with his life, but since I'm such a social retard, that's easier said than done. I still keep this phone on me at all times and jump at anything that sounds remotely like a ring. HAHA, I'm pathetic.


Sorry this is so long guys, but I just had to get this all off my chest. I don't really expect many replies, but your perspective on this situation is more than welcome. Thanks.

 

[dead]

Hey Mitternacht.
i don't have any decent advice, not really. i have had my heart broken several times, so all i can offer is that i understand how you feel. and that i don't think that she used you, or that she doesn't miss you.

i suppose that honestly, it was pretty much doomed to happen from the beginning. when people marry, it just never ends well. not for you, or for her.

my guess would be that she misses you - but does not allow herself to show it since she is married, and her husband is back in her life.

i don't know. i would try to get myself back on my feet, and try and find someone that would be able to have a committed relationship with you, that would have a future and a possibility to grow.

i'm sorry for you pain though. i know far too well how losing someone you love feels.

 

[Mitternacht]

Hey Mitternacht.
i don't have any decent advice, not really. i have had my heart broken several times, so all i can offer is that i understand how you feel. and that i don't think that she used you, or that she doesn't miss you.

i suppose that honestly, it was pretty much doomed to happen from the beginning. when people marry, it just never ends well. not for you, or for her.

my guess would be that she misses you - but does not allow herself to show it since she is married, and her husband is back in her life.

i don't know. i would try to get myself back on my feet, and try and find someone that would be able to have a committed relationship with you, that would have a future and a possibility to grow.

i'm sorry for you pain though. i know far too well how losing someone you love feels.

Thanks alot dead, I suppose you're right. I guess she just wants to rid herself of any feelings she still may have for me in preparation for her husband's arrival. After all, they were together for 20 years before she left him to pursue her son whoM had come to the US to study. Still, being flat out ignored like this hurts like hell. We always spoke of how we'd be great friends after the relationship was over, but sadly it's come to this

I know there's probably not much advice to be given for this type of situation, but it's nice to have people to share your problems with, even if they are relative strangers.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Hey guys, this is my very first thread here but i've been a lurker for a while now and I think it's time for me to vent. I'm 26 and I just got through a 2 year relationship with an older woman (40) whom had left her husband in Cuba to come to the States. I met her a little over a year after she settled down here in the US when a friend of a friend referred her to me for computer tech support, which I would often do as sort of a side job. The day I went over to do the job, I immediately noticed an attraction coming from her, as she would sort of grab at my hand or arm whenever I made her laugh and tbh, I really liked it So, when I finished up with her computer, I quickly gave her my number and told her she could call me if she had ANY problems at all.

So a few days later she started calling me up with rather silly questions like "how do i change my wallpaper" or "how do I empty the recycle bin" and she would then start to ask me things about myself, so it was becoming pretty obvious that she had some sort of interest in me. Since I've never had any real girlfriends or relationships with girls prior to this one, It took me a while to finally muster up the balls to let her know I was interested in her. She told me she was indeed attracted to me but that she still had her husband back in Cuba who was planning on returning to her whenever he got his visa passport, or whatever. I told her we could just hang out, i'd give her some driving lessons and maybe teach her a little english and that there'd be no commitment whatsoever. She seemed to like the idea.

So now we start to see eachother, a few weeks go by, we finally hook up and before I knew it, we were doing everything together. We'd make out, hold hands, watch TV and cuddle. Pretty much everything I ever dreamed about in a relationship. We spend pretty much every day in each other's company and when we couldn't be together, we'd talk for hours on the phone. She'd say everything short of "i love you" to me

Throughout the whole relationship, though, I always knew that this would come to a crashing end when her husband finally got his papers in order to come to the United States, but I would quickly bury the thought in the back of my mind and just though about all the good times we were still going to have.

Everything went great until the beginning of October of last year when the once daily phone calls started turning into 1 call every 2-3 days and when we would finally speak, it didn't feel like I was talking to the same loving person whom I'd known for so long. I finally asked her what was going on and why she was acting so cold and that's when she told me that she had spoken to her husband and she thought he'd be arriving some time in december. It felt like my heart was torn right out of my chest. In the mean time, she showed seemingly little emotion. I always thought that when this day finally came that she'd be balling her eyes out, but no. Cold as ice.

So we still stayed in contact. We spoke maybe once every week or week and a half, just as friends. On Jan 10th, I decided to send her a picture of myself with the title "for you to remember me by" and to my utter surprise, she sent me two pictures. One of her face and another cleavage shot. I quickly called her, told her how beautiful she looked, that I missed her so much and much to my surprise, she wasn't cold to me anymore. She spoke to me like she would when we were going out. Since her husband didn't arrive as expected, I thought there was still hope for at least one more time together, so I asked her if she'd like to see me again. She said "we'll see" and the she didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore than she already has. The conversation ended with "Te quiero" (spanish for I care for you) and a couple of over-the-phone kisses from her.

I was so full of anticipation with the thought of possibly seeing her again that I decided to ring her up a couple of days ago to ask her out to a movie or something. And now, out of the blue, she's completely ignoring all my calls, texts and e-mails. I think she's completely cut me off now. I tried calling today and all I get is the f*cking answering machine! I just can't wrap my mind around it. Is she doing it for my own good? Does she really not feel anything for me anymore after 2 years? Why doesn't she miss me as much as I thought she would? was she just using me all this time? did she get bored of me? these questions are all I can think of now. I feel so used and so much resentment towards her, I don't understand how she just ignore me like this. I'd never be able to to it to her without feeling terrible.

I guess the worst part of getting dumped is still caring for someone who no longer cares for you. Any other alpha dude would just find himself a rebound date f*ck her brains out and move on with his life, but since I'm such a social retard, that's easier said than done. I still keep this phone on me at all times and jump at anything that sounds remotely like a ring. HAHA, I'm pathetic.


Sorry this is so long guys, but I just had to get this all off my chest. I don't really expect many replies, but your perspective on this situation is more than welcome. Thanks.

Hey man. If you're the dude in the avatar, your looks are really great. You should have no problem moving on.

One of my buddies was like you, 26 with no experience, got involved with an older divorced woman. It ended ugly. Don't let that happen.

 

[Mary Mary]

Mitternacht -- the pain of rejection you feel has nothing to do with being a social retard. It's normal, especially after *two years* of dating. Also, a lot of men pretend they don't care, but they do.

Also, I do want to say that was in really poor taste of her not to give you a proper good bye. It was down right rude.

The pain of rejection is like the flu or mono. You'll feel really bad for while, but it'll pass.

 

[A new life]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh.
I take no delight in "raining on your parade."

You set yourself up for this, and remember:
Any woman who would cheat WITH you, would cheat ON you.

Chalk it up to a delightful fling and move on.
The days of your life are numbered and ticking by.
Don't waste any more time with someone who can't fully commit to you.

OR

Plan B:
Keep her around while YOU find someone else. (I can't believe I said that)

 

[LGH1288]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh.
I take no delight in "raining on your parade."

You set yourself up for this, and remember:
Any woman who would cheat WITH you, would cheat ON you.

Chalk it up to a delightful fling and move on.
The days of your life are numbered and ticking by.
Don't waste any more time with someone who can't fully commit to you.

OR

Plan B:
Keep her around while YOU find someone else. (I can't believe I said that)

A New Life -- Well said but I'd dump Plan B and get tested for STDs instead. This woman is a low-life tramp for cheating on her husband and no doubt she'd fresia her way through the phonebook. A slut like she is wouldn't have the slightest conception of a proper anything because she doesn't have respect for fidelity to her husband. Ugh, what a piece of trash. Mitt, IMO you got what you deserved; keep your paws off married women and move on. LG

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
I think the best way to get through the pain is to just lean into it. You'll get through it, my friend.
May I gently suggest that you plan on not talking to this lady anymore. You deserve better than that.
And stop calling yourself a "social retard"!
Good luck-

Teresa

 

[Mitternacht]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh.
I take no delight in "raining on your parade."

You set yourself up for this, and remember:
Any woman who would cheat WITH you, would cheat ON you.

Chalk it up to a delightful fling and move on.
The days of your life are numbered and ticking by.
Don't waste any more time with someone who can't fully commit to you.

OR

Plan B:
Keep her around while YOU find someone else. (I can't believe I said that)

A New Life -- Well said but I'd dump Plan B and get tested for STDs instead. This woman is a low-life tramp for cheating on her husband and no doubt she'd fresia her way through the phonebook. A slut like she is wouldn't have the slightest conception of a proper anything because she doesn't have respect for fidelity to her husband. Ugh, what a piece of trash. Mitt, IMO you got what you deserved; keep your paws off married women and move on. LG

Ouch, man. That was a bit harsh going on about STDs and her being a slut and all but yeah, thanks. I guess I can't really deny the fact that she was technically cheating on the dude, but I suppose people do get lonely after a while and she didn't really know how many years it'd be 'till she saw him again. Still doesn't justify it though, I know

I'm surprised so many of you took the time to read through this crap. Thanks for the support.

 

[A new life]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh.
I take no delight in "raining on your parade."

You set yourself up for this, and remember:
Any woman who would cheat WITH you, would cheat ON you.

Chalk it up to a delightful fling and move on.
The days of your life are numbered and ticking by.
Don't waste any more time with someone who can't fully commit to you.

OR

Plan B:
Keep her around while YOU find someone else. (I can't believe I said that)

A New Life -- Well said but I'd dump Plan B and get tested for STDs instead. This woman is a low-life tramp for cheating on her husband and no doubt she'd fresia her way through the phonebook. A slut like she is wouldn't have the slightest conception of a proper anything because she doesn't have respect for fidelity to her husband. Ugh, what a piece of trash. Mitt, IMO you got what you deserved; keep your paws off married women and move on. LG

Well said

 

[LGH1288]

Forgive me if this sounds harsh.
I take no delight in "raining on your parade."

You set yourself up for this, and remember:
Any woman who would cheat WITH you, would cheat ON you.

Chalk it up to a delightful fling and move on.
The days of your life are numbered and ticking by.
Don't waste any more time with someone who can't fully commit to you.

OR

Plan B:
Keep her around while YOU find someone else. (I can't believe I said that)

A New Life -- Well said but I'd dump Plan B and get tested for STDs instead. This woman is a low-life tramp for cheating on her husband and no doubt she'd fresia her way through the phonebook. A slut like she is wouldn't have the slightest conception of a proper anything because she doesn't have respect for fidelity to her husband. Ugh, what a piece of trash. Mitt, IMO you got what you deserved; keep your paws off married women and move on. LG

Well said

For me it was a difficult remark to dish out and IMO it was cruel but fair. LG:-(

 

[Stephanie]

He said nothing to indicate that this woman would 'fresia her way through the phone book.' As a matter of fact, it seemed like she was pretty exclusive to him during their affair. Getting tested for STDs is always a good idea; of course, but other than that, I think you're all being too hard on Mitt. We can't know the whole story so judging her as a piece of trash and telling him to keep his 'paws' off of someone implies he's nothing more than a dog and I don't think anyone deserves that. Loneliness can reach a point that it would make people do things that normally they wouldn't do under different circumstances. I would have thought most people here would have realized that if they have spent any time at all at this forum. Judging them harshly only adds to the pain, not alleviates it.

Getting involved in an affair is a risky thing to do. It's usually not an optimal thing to do. It often does cause pain for all parties involved; but that doesn't give anyone the right to judge someone else when you're a 3rd party on the outside looking in.

Mitt, I don't have any advice for you. And I'm not judging you either. No one is perfect. You learned some hard lessons. I hope learning those lessons now makes life easier in the future.

 

[LGH1288]

(Snipped) "...woman...whom had left her husband...to come to the States...She told me...attracted to me...she still had her husband...who was planning on returning to her whenever he got his visa passport...papers in order to come to the...States...she was acting so cold...he'd be arriving some time in december...Cold as ice...she sent...pictures...One of her cleavage...wasn't cold...anymore...cut...off now."

IMO this woman clearly acted like a slut who could easily have been "******* her way through the phonebook". Why? Because the entire time while she was waiting for her husband to join her in the USA she was cheating on him and, to "top it off" (pun definitely intended), she sent pictures of her cleavage to a man she was using (at her convenience) like a lap dog for her entertainment. There is nothing in Mitt's post to indicate that she was in the process of any formal legitimate marital separation because, if she had told Mitt that, his set of expectations would have been totally different. He knew he was participating in an illicit affair with a married woman. IMO, unless a marriage is an "open marriage", a woman or man who fails to respect the fidelity of their committed relationship is behaving in a way whereby it's reasonable to assume their moral turpitude is such that they could very well be having extramarital relations with more than one partner. To reiterate for compact clarity, IMO a legally married person (woman or man) who is not in an "open marriage" or in the process of a formal separation or divorce who has sexual relations outside the marriage, and who provides sexually explicit images of their body to their illicit lover, is a slut in my book. LG:-(

 

[Stephanie]

Okay, point taken. I can see why you hold that point of view. I'm not saying I agree entirely, but I can definitely see the thought process. It's easier to recognize that in hindsight. I'm sure Mitt couldn't see that while he was going through it. Sometimes one can only recognize behavior patterns in hindsight.

 

[freedom]

hey brother.

first off, i want to say that i'm really sorry to hear about your situation. it's very painful and heartbreaking when someone that you love cuts you right out of their life. i've had that happen to me before, so i can sympathize with what you're going through right now.

i'm going to be completely honest with you and give you it straight. when you first got involved with this woman, you had to have known what you were getting into. you had to have known that this was just going to be a fling at best, not just because she was a married woman, but also because of the age difference which is something else that you have to consider. i know it was probably very difficult to keep your emotions out of the picture, but it's what you should have done. you should have not gotten attached to this woman because it was only going to end abruptly. you mentioned it yourself.

i'm sure that she feels terrible about cutting you off, and if she doens't, if she has any heart at all then she will, but it's for the best man. she has a husband who she's been cheating on for two years. it's in her best interest to keep you out of her life.

as for the pictures that she sent you, those were not an invitation back into her life. those were also for you to remember her by, if you know what i mean.

best of luck.

 

[Mary Mary]

I wouldn't vote for the woman to get the moral person of the year award, but the fact that she was physically apart from her husband for TWO YEARS because she moved to a strange country definitely affects how I judge her.

While we're throwing stones, I wouldn't expect a bunch of loners who may not have much of an interest in sex to relate to why she did what she did.

 

[LGH1288]

Mitt -- It would be helpful if you'd please weigh in on this hot debate. Did your loneliness diminish your sexual desire to the point that you accepted marital infidelity to be something respectable? That idea doesn't make any sense to me but since we're covering all the bases I'd like to hear your opinion of it anyhow.

 

[Minus]

... I guess I can't really deny the fact that she was technically cheating on the dude....

Technically? There is no quibbling, she was straight out cheating on him.

As painful as it is, you are better off without someone who only honors commitments when it is convenient.

 

[Mitternacht]

Sure, I'll weigh in. I'm taller, stronger and more attractive than her husband. I wanted her, she was a knockout. I took her and messed the honeysuckle out of her on a continual basis for the past two years. Do I care about him or their marriage? Absolutely not. I'd fresia her again if I could and let him watch me in action.

Is it just me or have alot of women here been cheated on? I'm guessing this post will mark the end of this thread an me posting here

 

[Minus]

...I'm taller, stronger and more attractive than her husband...

While you may be pretty impressed with yourself, her choice has always been him. You knew that from the beginning.