The reason I get up in the morning

[PlayingSolo]

There's only two things I can think of that I want out of my life: knowledge and love.

The first one is easy and simple. I'm going to school, studying mathematics. (disclaimer: this paragraph isn't meant to be me bragging. I realize math is a hard subject for many people) There isn't a field out there more fascinating than mathematics. I'm still an undergraduate and have much to learn, but I'm having such a blast soaking in all of this knowledge. I'm planning on going to graduate school next year. It's not just the math though. Simply being at a university with so many like-minded individuals waiting to be fed with knowledge is truly wondrous. I don't really talk to many people while I'm at school, I just try to enjoy it regardless (i have social anxiety, but that's a different issue from this post).

The second one is not so easy. Finding love is like trying to catch air in your hands. And even harder for someone with social anxiety. This is an issue that's been plaguing me for years. I found my first (and only) girlfriend about 3 years ago, and it lasted for almost one year. We realized we weren't right for each other, and that was that. But it left me with this yearning to have someone by my side. I think that's when my loneliness really amplified. Before I met her, I hardly thought about girls and having a girlfriend was the last thing on my mind. Honestly I never even considered it. But now I can't go a single day without wondering when I'll find that special someone.

So lately I've somewhat given up In the whole love department. Sure, there's that one girl I've been posting about in another thread, but I won't get into that here. My point of this thread is that I think the only thing really keeping me going lately is my passion for mathematics. Honestly its the only reason I have for getting out of bed these days. Yes, I have a job, but it's not one I would miss if I were to quit. I actually enjoy it sometimes because of the social interaction I get with customers and coworkers. Yes, I have a few friends and some family. Oddly enough, I've never felt a very stronge connection with any friend I've made, and I'm a bit ashamed of that. It's kind of like, if I never saw the person again, my life would go on. That's a horrible thing to say. Some of these friends one known for most of my life, but I get the feeling that they value our friendship more than I do. I'm really not sure why it is. Maybe I'm just incapable of feeling that strongly toward someone. As far as family goes, I have my parents, two brothers and a sister. Any extended family that I have has made such little impact on my life that I never developed much feelings for them. But I do love my immediate family, even though I'm somewhat distant from them nowadays.

I'm not suicidal or anything. I've never even considered it or had suicidal thoughts, nor do I have any desire to die. But honestly, if not for my love for education, I really don't think I would see any reason for getting out of bed every morning. Like I said, not that I would kill myself because of it, I just wouldn't really see any point in living. I suppose there's the off chance that I could be walking down the street and happen to meet the girl I'm destined to fall in love with. But that seems very unlikely.

I think the worst part is that no one in my life would suspect any of this from me. At work, I'm known to be this cheery, happy go lucky nerd without a care in the world. At school, I'm just the quiet, weird kid sitting in the corner. At home, I tend to avoid my parents, but I know they wouldn't suspect this from me. And my friends just think I'm the smart guy who's constantly busy with work or school (personally I don't think I'm all that smart. Their words, not mine). I don't think there's a person who knows me that wouldn't be shocked about the inner turmoil I've had for the past few years. I don't really let it show to anyone, and I don't dare tell anyone about it irl. Like I said, I'm no where close to suicidal. But there's been a few (rare) nights where I've felt so Dang lonely or depressed.

I'm not really sure why I typed all of this up. I've been feeling kind of down lately. Not really depressed or lonely, maybe just stressed out and not really all that happy. Maybe its just been building up inside and I felt I needed to tell someone. But as long as I don't run out of math to learn, I think I'll be content for a while.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think the worst part is that no one in my life would suspect any of this from me. At work, I'm known to be this cheery, happy go lucky nerd without a care in the world. At school, I'm just the quiet, weird kid sitting in the corner. At home, I tend to avoid my parents, but I know they wouldn't suspect this from me. And my friends just think I'm the smart guy who's constantly busy with work or school (personally I don't think I'm all that smart. Their words, not mine). I don't think there's a person who knows me that wouldn't be shocked about the inner turmoil I've had for the past few years. I don't really let it show to anyone, and I don't dare tell anyone about it irl. Like I said, I'm no where close to suicidal. But there's been a few (rare) nights where I've felt so Dang lonely or depressed.

Exactly how I feel in my case. No one would expect me to have any sort of issues because they always see the cheerful side of me. The fact that I can most of the time be positive to myself and towards others makes it seem like I've no problems at all. But in all honesty, I've had quite a struggle in life since young, with my family, and then with my previous relationship. No one would've thought those things could happen to me.

But there were days when I would feel what you felt, so **** lonely and depressed. Recently though, I decided to make changes in my life and I know that if I sit around and wait for things to come, nothing will change. So I got up and did things. Those things I did are things I mostly have not done before. So I took chances and took risks and guess what? I've met so many new wonderful people now. I've made several new friends. I've never felt better in my life.

So PS, maybe you need to do something different? For yourself, with no expectations. I tend not to put expectations to things that I do so that I won't feel disappointed if they don't work out. What if you take up new classes to something? Or .. I don't know, anything that's different from what you usually do now.

It's good to let things out and it's good to see you post it out here. I'm sure a lot of the members here can relate to you and will have many good and thoughtful words to say to you. I'm not that great with giving good advice, but I think you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy. So do things that will really truly make you happy. Easier said than done sometimes, yes, but that's where you take chances and take risks.

P.S. As for that girl story, go for it. Come on, you've got some days left. You've got nothing to lose. Go for it. Talk to her or ask for her number. You already said she likes you. Now it's all up to you. Take this chance. At least you try. You got our support here.

 

[strife]

I haven't read anything that comes closer to describing me in a long time! Except the family thing, I don't care about any one in my so called family.

Anyhow, what is wrong with having goals and getting up to fulfill them? You could be a deadbeat trying to live off of other people without a job, without goals, and without some one by your side. Goals are always there for you, people are not.

As for the girl story... idk anything about it. I'll say this: go for it. I say it because living without knowing what coulda been is worse than dealing with the fact that she turned you down.

 

[PlayingSolo]

ladyforsaken: well as far as new classes go, I'm stretched pretty thin already and am pretty stressed out between school every day and work 30+ hours a week. With that said, I really, really wanted to join the anime/Japan club at school so I could get a little more involved with people at school and not be such a loner. But I have very little free time at the moment between school work and my job that I don't think it's likely to happen. I contacted the club leader and he told me the days and times that they meet, but I'm not able to make them, which was kind of disappointing. I told him to let me know of any events they might be having so that I could possible attend them. Despite that, I have sort of befriended this guy in my Japanese class. The class requires a lot of partner work and we usually get together. He seems pretty cool, but sometimes my SA rears its head and I just don't really feel like talking to anyone, which I think makes him feel like I don't want to talk to him because I don't like him. But we've been getting along well for the most part.

strife: I do have a few goals. My biggest one would be to earn a PhD. I think that would make me happier than most things. Another goal would be to (at some point) learn some physics. It seems kind of unlikely that I'll be able to actually take a physics course in college on the path that I'm going down now, however if that's the case then I'm hoping to just grab a book and start reading at some point when I have time. Another goal I'm working on right now is learning Japanese. Thanks to the foreign language requirement for any Bachelors degree, I'm taking the intro Japanese course right now and it's going wonderfully. I kind of hate going to that class seeing as I have social anxiety and the class requires you to talk a lot. But I go anyway because it's the only way to really learn the language and I'd like to get a good grade. I guess another goal would be to find a better job, but I think that's going to happen next year when I move on to grad school, so no worries there.

Thanks for your responses guys. Honestly its a great feeling to wake up in the morning and see that someone has responded to what I have to say, especially with such lengthy posts.

 

[perfanoff]

ladyforsaken: well as far as new classes go, I'm stretched pretty thin already and am pretty stressed out between school every day and work 30+ hours a week. With that said, I really, really wanted to join the anime/Japan club at school so I could get a little more involved with people at school and not be such a loner. But I have very little free time at the moment between school work and my job that I don't think it's likely to happen. I contacted the club leader and he told me the days and times that they meet, but I'm not able to make them, which was kind of disappointing. I told him to let me know of any events they might be having so that I could possible attend them. Despite that, I have sort of befriended this guy in my Japanese class. The class requires a lot of partner work and we usually get together. He seems pretty cool, but sometimes my SA rears its head and I just don't really feel like talking to anyone, which I think makes him feel like I don't want to talk to him because I don't like him. But we've been getting along well for the most part.

strife: I do have a few goals. My biggest one would be to earn a PhD. I think that would make me happier than most things. Another goal would be to (at some point) learn some physics. It seems kind of unlikely that I'll be able to actually take a physics course in college on the path that I'm going down now, however if that's the case then I'm hoping to just grab a book and start reading at some point when I have time. Another goal I'm working on right now is learning Japanese. Thanks to the foreign language requirement for any Bachelors degree, I'm taking the intro Japanese course right now and it's going wonderfully. I kind of hate going to that class seeing as I have social anxiety and the class requires you to talk a lot. But I go anyway because it's the only way to really learn the language and I'd like to get a good grade. I guess another goal would be to find a better job, but I think that's going to happen next year when I move on to grad school, so no worries there.

Thanks for your responses guys. Honestly its a great feeling to wake up in the morning and see that someone has responded to what I have to say, especially with such lengthy posts.

Question is, can you live on 15-20k a year for 4 years in grad school? And start making money much later, with the job market you are suitable for being miniscule?

I'll finish my PhD personally though some day. Since I don't have sponsors, maybe after I save some money.

 

[PlayingSolo]

Question is, can you live on 15-20k a year for 4 years in grad school? And start making money much later, with the job market you are suitable for being miniscule?

I'll finish my PhD personally though some day. Since I don't have sponsors, maybe after I save some money.

Well I'm not sure what you're pursuing a PhD in, but it usually takes about 6-7 years from a Bachelor's in math to a PhD. But thankfully, when you apply to grad school for mathematics, almost every school will offer some kind of assistantship or fellowship as part of the admission offer. This often includes a full tuition waiver for at least 4 years (more if you're doing well in your work), a modest stipend, and sometimes on-campus housing. Hopefully during this time I'll get some teaching experience (I plan to be a professor, kind of a stretch I know, but I guess that's my post-PhD goal) and get my foot in the door for the job market. So, this assistantship/fellowship is kind of what I meant by getting a new job. I'm in the process of applying to schools now, so hopefully all goes well.

I will however be paying off my undergraduate student loan during this time but it's not all that big and I still have a bit of money saved to put towards it after I graduate.

 

[perfanoff]

Physics, usually takes about 4 years if you get a bachelor's in it. I finished only the master's (took me 2.5 years) and I will probably need 3 more years if I plan to get a PhD. My only realistic hope is that I get a job in some institute and get a PhD in the same thing that I work on.

Yes, that grad stipend can and will be treated as your SALARY if your parents don't want to sponsor you forever. I'm not advising you against PhD but make sure you know what you are signing for. Sometimes I felt there's more politics than at a real job, and the work is more and harder. Studying, researching and teaching in a science dept, you can pretty much say goodbye to your social life. Weekends are for catching up.

You have a tuition waver but you still need to pay fees (like cheerleader fees) and they add up. You will most probably need to share a place with a roommate. Etc etc.

Your starting salary will increase on average with maybe $20k, provided you manage to get a PhD job. But you're "wasting" half of your youth this way. Becoming a professor, you first need to do AT LEAST 2-3 postdocs that pay maybe about $40k a year.. then you start struggling to become a visiting professor. It's a very long, very winding road. You'll be young if you manage to be a professor when you hit 40. What about having fun? Visiting destinations while you're still full of energy? No less finding and spending time with a girl? ....

 

[PlayingSolo]

Yeah you're probably right with most of that. But as far as a social life goes, I've never had much of one. Sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I have other things on my mind to really worry about that. And yes, I would like to find and spend time with a girl, which like you said this may not be the best career choice for the objective. I'm not really concerned about the money issue. I've never really been strapped for cash (thankfully) and even $20k per year doesn't really sound all that difficult, especially if you have a roommate. Maybe I'm naive. Even though I live with my parents now, I don't make anywhere close to that much per year and I still have enough funds to save quite a bit. I've never lived on my own though so like I said maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, lol

 

[perfanoff]

Yeah. It's not that difficult, but you won't be livin' the good life either :/

 

[Unwanted94]

It really isn't what you make, but it's what you spend. If you manage your money wisely,you can save up and have a lot of money. You just have to set priorities, learn to be self-disciplined, and create a budget. It's really all so simple, but the self-disciplined part is probably the most difficult. You'll get there though.

 

[perfanoff]

Because what you call self-discipline is different than living like a hermit

 

[PlayingSolo]

Well like I said, I don't have much of a social life, so that saves me a lot of money, although it can contribute to loneliness. I don't drink alcohol either so that saves me a lot. My friends sometimes tell me they blow $100+ in one night at a bar and I can't help but shake my head.I do eat fast food pretty often though, so that's something I need to stop since it costs a ton.