Kid_A
Well-known member
For the past couple months I have been trapped in my head.
At night I can't sleep and all I want to do is sleep. I find myself in this aversive state of hopelessness and feeling so trapped that I can't help but research the means to an end. Having all the knowledge I need now, somehow makes me feel better. But I can't help researching more and more, even researching how families of bereaved can learn to cope.
I'm don't want to torture my family or cause them anymore pain. My head often aches when I stop using my daily mask, my shell, and question myself as to where I can go.
In high school I used to spend lunch in an empty piano room where I taught myself to play piano and wrote songs drawing pictures on paper where the note would be. I have songs that play in my head now, melodies that sound like a fading heart beat.
People I love waving goodbye in the fog I got lost in, I wish I could have showed them how much they meant but nothing I could ever draw or write conveyed what I meant.
I've always felt I didn't belong and in ways I didn't want to.
I've talked to some of the kindest people on these forums. Thank you for the help I never got anywhere else. Maybe someone can understand me.
These are the images and thoughts that plague my head:
At night I can't sleep and all I want to do is sleep. I find myself in this aversive state of hopelessness and feeling so trapped that I can't help but research the means to an end. Having all the knowledge I need now, somehow makes me feel better. But I can't help researching more and more, even researching how families of bereaved can learn to cope.
I'm don't want to torture my family or cause them anymore pain. My head often aches when I stop using my daily mask, my shell, and question myself as to where I can go.
In high school I used to spend lunch in an empty piano room where I taught myself to play piano and wrote songs drawing pictures on paper where the note would be. I have songs that play in my head now, melodies that sound like a fading heart beat.
People I love waving goodbye in the fog I got lost in, I wish I could have showed them how much they meant but nothing I could ever draw or write conveyed what I meant.
I've always felt I didn't belong and in ways I didn't want to.
I've talked to some of the kindest people on these forums. Thank you for the help I never got anywhere else. Maybe someone can understand me.
These are the images and thoughts that plague my head: