They come... they leave?

[gluguy]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right topic, as it isn't a rant/depressed topic of myself, but rather a question.

I realized that sometimes people want to make friends with some people. I even experienced that there were some people who really wanted to be friends with me, or simply didn't mind to be friends at the beginning. Everything is great - you may say -, you have a new aquintance, they even want your attention, they are interested in you, your personality and your overall feelings and howabouts (not everything, but "basic" details). The same goes for you, they are willingly tell some details (not too much, but a few), if you're lucky, they may even tell you some info about themselves that only a few knows.

THEN, they just leave. Without a word. They either don't enjoy talking to you anymore, don't want to speak to you, or sometimes, more radically, they move on and sometimes even "delete" you from their lives (this can be literally true if they're deleting from, for example, their Facebook page).

I actually experienced MANY of these, and actually I don't mind if people come and leave in my life... I simply don't understand two things:

1. If they don't want anything "more serious" than just a casual aquintance relationship, why do they even bother making programmes with you at the beginning, asking about you and telling about them some details?
2. Why people actually leave an other person? What (in your opinion) are the most common reasons why people just decide to leave you alone?

And, of course, if you have any experiences about this, or other questions, feel free to comment about it!

 

[kamya]

Dunno but it sucks.

 

[SofiasMami]

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with you if people meet you, have one or more conversations with you, then you don't hear from them again. Many people socialize with others that way.
Supposedly, we meet on average 80,000 people in our lifetimes.
https://www.quora.com/How-many-people-does-the-average-person-physically-meet-in-a-lifetime

I have no many idea how many people I've met and spoken with so far in my life but I'm sure it's well over 1,000. Yet, I can count my true friends on one hand. Even if you don't have any friends, there is still something to be said for having casual conversations with strangers or near-strangers. I've had plenty of great conversations with random people I've met in public but no expectation of becoming friends.

Making real friends is something that takes time, effort and commitment which can be difficult for many people.

-Teresa

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right topic, as it isn't a rant/depressed topic of myself, but rather a question.

I realized that sometimes people want to make friends with some people. I even experienced that there were some people who really wanted to be friends with me, or simply didn't mind to be friends at the beginning. Everything is great - you may say -, you have a new aquintance, they even want your attention, they are interested in you, your personality and your overall feelings and howabouts (not everything, but "basic" details). The same goes for you, they are willingly tell some details (not too much, but a few), if you're lucky, they may even tell you some info about themselves that only a few knows.

THEN, they just leave. Without a word. They either don't enjoy talking to you anymore, don't want to speak to you, or sometimes, more radically, they move on and sometimes even "delete" you from their lives (this can be literally true if they're deleting from, for example, their Facebook page).

I actually experienced MANY of these, and actually I don't mind if people come and leave in my life... I simply don't understand two things:

1. If they don't want anything "more serious" than just a casual aquintance relationship, why do they even bother making programmes with you at the beginning, asking about you and telling about them some details?
2. Why people actually leave an other person? What (in your opinion) are the most common reasons why people just decide to leave you alone?

And, of course, if you have any experiences about this, or other questions, feel free to comment about it!

To answer your question number 2.
I think people find somebody else, somebody new and interesting, they simply move on and forget about you.

 

[user 115627]

Gotta agree with Teresa here. I have simply ended interactions a few times in my life though it was rarely me who had made the first step, but it was often me who made the last.

You start interacting with a person for whatever reason, doesn't matter who made the first step, maybe you just seemed interesting to one another based on what's seen publicly. Casual banter happens, then the topics might get a little more in-depth and personal, more details are exchanged, maybe you even learn something new. At this point preconceived notions could be either confirmed or invalidated. Regardless, in the long run the person might not be as sympathetic/interesting as you thought in the very beginning. But you could not have known without getting the interaction to this deeper level. What do you do if that happens? I guessed most friendships or interactions just wither away slowly. Unless one or both parties are too courteous to call it quits because of this lingering feeling of social obligation. Interactions are rarely "terminated" in a straightforward or mutual way...but I admit I have done exactly this because I didn't want to fake it.

The bottom line of this is not that you are worth less though. It's as simple as being incompatible to one another to me. We are just too different to get along with everyone. And some of these differences that set us apart are more obvious and some are not. Some are also more tolerable, some are not. So we just keep getting to know more and more people and we merely click with a chosen few, those needles in the haystack, which become our friends. That's just the consequence of diversity.

 

[ardour]

Because they're looking for validation and once they have it they move on.

Or they get to know you and find parts of you unlikeable and don't care anymore.

You might have unknowingly offended them.

They may have found other people.

Who knows. Unless it's a close friend it's usually not worth worrying about.

 

[lonelyfairy]

This happens to me all the time, mostly I just don't care about it because it's someone stranger online anyways but there are times when it might make me sad (not often though). There can be various of different reasons for this... Like ardour said, they might be seeking validation for their existence and when they get it, they will stop talking to you. They just don't care about you really, only about the validation that someone notices them. *shrugs* Also like Teresa said, we meet thousands of people in our lifetimes and only very very few of them will stay in our lives and create close bonds with them, it happens rarely. Most people in our lives are just random acquaintances to speak some light small talk with, only few of them actually become close friends (or then not at all if very lonely like many on this forum). If you're sensitive like me, it does hurt a lot from time to time but then I start thinking ''hey, that person really wasn't interested talking with me anyway, so why bother my precious energy for those kind of people if they weren't interested in the begin with?'' etc. Focus your time and energy for those people who actually care about you.

 

[LadyDaria]

1. If they don't want anything "more serious" than just a casual aquintance relationship, why do they even bother making programmes with you at the beginning, asking about you and telling about them some details?
2. Why people actually leave an other person? What (in your opinion) are the most common reasons why people just decide to leave you alone?

People can be crazy selfish these days. On another message board I am on, this girl just shows up about 1x per year with all her problems for us to support her on. What depresses me is that the entire board runs over to help her, because she is a new shiny person for them to talk to. It depresses me. And I can't say anything because it would be "mean". I would not be liked if I said what I think about it. She just leaves when she gets what she wants... because she is crazy selfish and thinks that is what the board is for.

I think people who want a casual acquaintance relationship just push really hard at first to get you on their "feed" once your on their feed, I think they see their job as done. So you see that as leaving your but they see that as being friends with you but they have so much else to do they can't talk.

 

[Paraiyar]

People can be crazy selfish these days. On another message board I am on, this girl just shows up about 1x per year with all her problems for us to support her on. What depresses me is that the entire board runs over to help her, because she is a new shiny person for them to talk to. It depresses me. And I can't say anything because it would be "mean". I would not be liked if I said what I think about it. She just leaves when she gets what she wants... because she is crazy selfish and thinks that is what the board is for.

I'm not sure if I'd consider that an example of crazy selfishness. People are free to invest as much or as little in an internet forum as they want. There aren't moral obligations.

 

[LadyDaria]

I'm not sure if I'd consider that an example of crazy selfishness. People are free to invest as much or as little in an internet forum as they want. There aren't moral obligations.

It is grossly rude behavior to come looking for support every time you need some and never contribute back to support others.

 

[Paraiyar]

I'm not sure if I'd consider that an example of crazy selfishness. People are free to invest as much or as little in an internet forum as they want. There aren't moral obligations.

It is grossly rude behavior to come looking for support every time you need some and never contribute back to support others.

With personal friends maybe. With a forum on the internet? No one is obliged to post if they don't want to just as no one is obliged to post responses to this woman's posts in the first place.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm not sure if I'd consider that an example of crazy selfishness. People are free to invest as much or as little in an internet forum as they want. There aren't moral obligations.

It is grossly rude behavior to come looking for support every time you need some and never contribute back to support others.

With personal friends maybe. With a forum on the internet? No one is obliged to post if they don't want to just as no one is obliged to post responses to this woman's posts in the first place.

Although I see Lady D's point/concern, I'm agreeing with Paraiyar on this one.
I don't see anything wrong with using an Internet forum to help yourself with whatever issues you may have, while not being willing to offer support to others.
It may be considered impolite, at best, but remember that some people aren't capable of offering themselves up as support. This is often due to being overwhelmed with their own problems. Just a thought...

 

[ardour]

Some people initially act friendly and interested as an attempt to draw the other person out, get them talking, for the purpose of quickly assessing them as worthy or unworthy. If it's the later they’ll abruptly stop talking. They might have several people on the go like this. It often happens when someone’s new to a job and or social setting.

There’s really no point in calling these sort of people out. Since they operate with little emotional investment they’re unlikely to care how you feel. All you can do is let it go.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Some people initially act friendly and interested as an attempt to draw the other person out, get them talking, for the purpose of quickly assessing them as worthy or unworthy. If it's the later they’ll abruptly stop talking. They might have several people on the go like this. It often happens when someone’s new to a job and or social setting.

There’s really no point in calling these sort of people out. Since they operate with little emotional investment they’re unlikely to care how you feel. All you can do is let it go.

Yup. All you can do is let it go. It happens all the time for reason one is likely to never know.

 

[gluguy]

I'm glad I opened this topic. We have such a nice conversation here.

After reading all the replies, I also have one question. We all can agree that if it is just an aquintance who does it, it really doesn't matter. But what if it happens with someone who not only treats you as a friend, but *was* indeed a friend of you for a long time? For example, what if someone leaves your life after 3-4 years just because they are not interested in you anymore, or you had an arguement that ruined your friendship? Or what if a person that you know for a long time, slowly, but surely, starts to ignore you, not inviting to places, etc.?

How does all of these affect you? Do you care so much about people that you'd fight for them at any price, or you simply leave them the moment you realize they don't give as much back as you gave to them?

 

[handheart]

Well it depends of people other are introverted and they speak a litle and they leave .Just be confident in you and make your friends .Maybe you think that its also wrong with you ?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm not sure if I'd consider that an example of crazy selfishness. People are free to invest as much or as little in an internet forum as they want. There aren't moral obligations.

It is grossly rude behavior to come looking for support every time you need some and never contribute back to support others.

With personal friends maybe. With a forum on the internet? No one is obliged to post if they don't want to just as no one is obliged to post responses to this woman's posts in the first place.

Although I see Lady D's point/concern, I'm agreeing with Paraiyar on this one.
I don't see anything wrong with using an Internet forum to help yourself with whatever issues you may have, while not being willing to offer support to others.
It may be considered impolite, at best, but remember that some people aren't capable of offering themselves up as support. This is often due to being overwhelmed with their own problems. Just a thought...

+1 to what Eve and Paraiyar said.

 

[Parallax]

That has happened to me before. Like other people in this thread have said, maybe they got bored of me, maybe they realized they didn't like me that much, or maybe I unintentionally said something offensive to them. There could be a million different reasons why and you won't know, so you should try not to think about it or beat yourself up over it. It sucks, but I think you have to try to move on and meet new people.

 

[Anhedoni]

I don't know if I'm posting this in the right topic, as it isn't a rant/depressed topic of myself, but rather a question.

I realized that sometimes people want to make friends with some people. I even experienced that there were some people who really wanted to be friends with me, or simply didn't mind to be friends at the beginning. Everything is great - you may say -, you have a new aquintance, they even want your attention, they are interested in you, your personality and your overall feelings and howabouts (not everything, but "basic" details). The same goes for you, they are willingly tell some details (not too much, but a few), if you're lucky, they may even tell you some info about themselves that only a few knows.

THEN, they just leave. Without a word. They either don't enjoy talking to you anymore, don't want to speak to you, or sometimes, more radically, they move on and sometimes even "delete" you from their lives (this can be literally true if they're deleting from, for example, their Facebook page).

I actually experienced MANY of these, and actually I don't mind if people come and leave in my life... I simply don't understand two things:

1. If they don't want anything "more serious" than just a casual aquintance relationship, why do they even bother making programmes with you at the beginning, asking about you and telling about them some details?
2. Why people actually leave an other person? What (in your opinion) are the most common reasons why people just decide to leave you alone?

And, of course, if you have any experiences about this, or other questions, feel free to comment about it!

I have started to believe that I radiate something that repells other people. Perhaps my years as a bullied kid has made me always take the "paria" role in group constellations, which unavoidably leads to me being dumped by friends, or if not that, always makes me feel like the most irritating part of the group, someone who never quite fits in. Or maybe my lonely life and longing for companionship makes me so needy when making new acquaintances that people feel a loss of breath and immediately want to cut of all connection to me.

That's just some mind ghosts I have. If it's an answer to your questions, I don't know.

 

[Joe27]

+1 for Teresa's well said post on the first page and for what what Eve & Paraiyar posted about the user of this forum who has created topics looking for help but then hasn't posted help for other users in their topics.

Some users may rarely/not post helpful messages in other users' forum topics simply because they don't have much free time to spend visiting this forum and when they do visit it there aren't new forum topics they feel they can make a worthwhile contribution to, which don't already have good helpful replies from users who can check this forum more often for new topics.

THEN, they just leave. Without a word. They either don't enjoy talking to you anymore, don't want to speak to you, or sometimes, more radically, they move on and sometimes even "delete" you from their lives (this can be literally true if they're deleting from, for example, their Facebook page)."

Imo: When nice internet friends who have no reason to no longer care about a person stop contacting them of their own accord this isn't because they've stopped caring about them and cruelly want to ignore & forget about them. Its because no one likes having to officially end a friendship with a person they still like and care about because they don't want to hurt their friend's feelings & their own feelings. And officially ending a friendship with an internet friend ceases all communication any possibility of rekindling it in the future.

Your friends who deleted you from their Facebook contacts without messaging you to say why and to try to comfort you, are selfish people and therefore imo, you will be better off not spending any more of your free time trying to socialise with them when there are plenty of nice unselfish people in your country and in our internet connected world who you could having more enjoyable & caring friendships with instead.

I tried officially ending a friendship once with one of the best friends I've had (we have exchanged countless emails and had countless Skype calls) because she would never contact me unless she was replying to a message I had sent to her (We can only socialise with Skype calls and Emails because I live in England & she lives in Poland) and so months would go by without any communication between us since I was assuming our friendship had unofficially ended so I didn't want to keep sending her messages just to prompt replies. So I eventually told her I thought we should no longer be friends because I felt I wasn't a friend she had free time to spend socialising with (after all for the 2/3 years we've been friends she's been hard at work studying for a business degree) and I thought she was enjoying socialising with her other friends more than with me (she can enjoy hanging out with them in person) so I told myself that maybe she shouldn't spend any of her free time socialising with me instead. We both agreed to end our friendship. But then after several hours of struggling to come to terms with the consequences of what I had done: ruling out any possibility of having an opportunity to enjoy socialising with my former internet friend again, I changed my mind and then we agreed to be friends again even if we would rarely chat & I've promised to never officially end our friendship again. Now many months later our friendship has been rekindled and now we have a Skype call at least once a month & she contacts me of her own accord to ask me if I want to have Skype calls with her while we do something else together like playing internet games and finding YouTube videos & music videos we can both enjoy watching together as we chat. She's recently told me that she does consider me to be one of her good friends.