Why are friends hard to get? Why does it seem so easy for others to make them?
The following is pure rant. I just need to get this out of my chest.
*******
I am really depressed at the moment. My whole life seems to have hit rock bottom. I literally have no one to talk to. No friends, no family, not even a therapist anymore. And I find myself trapped in a vicious cycle that started ever since I met my old schoolmate of 10 years ago again this past spring. My father had just passed away, and she appeared in my life (let's call her "E"). We got along great at the beginning; so great, in fact, that I took her friendship as a gift from God. Through her I got reacquainted with another old classmate ("G"), so it seemed that my life was changing for the better. As they say, God never closes a door without opening a window. Then, "E" began to distance herself from me without any apparent reason. After a few more ups and downs with her, I decided to let that acquaintanceship die its natural death. There were no heated discussions; communication just failed. At least, I thought, I have another person with whom I can talk, i.e., "G". Turns out, he was the same--all chit-chat one second, and the next, it's like he vanished from the face of the earth. I don't want to ever see these people again.
Now, when I first felt that things weren't working out with "E", I went down hard. Having a personality disorder, my mind just fired up a bunch of negative thoughts, and I got really depressed, and quiet. So quiet, that I couldn't talk to my mother; I was trapped inside my head. But did I get one shred of compassion from her? No, she just reacted angrily. "Why don't you talk?!" she asks upset. "Don't you get tired of not speaking?!" This came as a bombshell for me, because for many years I've been the family's provider, and the one who kinda kept a rein on the house. I had no support from anyone, but I took the responsibility. Now that I clearly needed help, understanding, I get angry reactions. So now, no friends, no family.
And the therapist? Again, when things started going awry with "E" and got really depressed (with tics and all), I went to a therapist. Just the cheapest and closest therapist I could find. And at first I was impressed by the doctor. The main advantage I saw was that she was young, which in my mind meant that she could perhaps better relate to me. The first session was ok, I blurted out many things that were bothering me. The second, she made me do some tests. Great! She's being very professional and is well prepared. On the third session, instead of continuing with the tests (as expected), we talked about secondary issues, which, though still important, I thought did not merit that much attention. The fourth session more talk of secondary issues, and now she appears to be ill prepared, like not knowing what to do next or give flimsy advice. Fifth session is the same. Sixth session, the same. This last one was this week. After therapy I felt awful, and went to write her an e-mail suspending the sessions. Did I get any acknowledgment for that e-mail? No. Why would I? I don't matter.
Lastly, when things didn't seem to get any worse, they do. Just a few days ago I had added one more contact to my Facebook page, bringing the total to 7! This new "friend" seemed to share a lot of the interests I have in the areas of philosophy and languages. We had just started to comment on each other's walls, and even chatted briefly yesterday morning. Imagine my surprise (oh, how dumb of me) to find a couple of hours ago, that I have been blocked by that person. Yes, blocked! Without any explanation whatsoever. I send him an e-mail asking if maybe someone had hacked into his account (yeah, right), and he replies saying that he's uncomfortable talking with someone who doesn't have any photos put up on the profile page. HAS THE WHOLE F**ING WORLD TURNED ON ME? WHY AM I BEING TREATED THIS WAY?! Of course, I deactivated my account almost immediately, since the other 6 "friends" don't seem to know that I exist, and there's no point to having an account anymore.
So, here I am, past midnight on a Saturday night, completely and utterly alone. I wonder what tomorrow will bring for me. I can't wait!
Ok, rant over.
The following is pure rant. I just need to get this out of my chest.
*******
I am really depressed at the moment. My whole life seems to have hit rock bottom. I literally have no one to talk to. No friends, no family, not even a therapist anymore. And I find myself trapped in a vicious cycle that started ever since I met my old schoolmate of 10 years ago again this past spring. My father had just passed away, and she appeared in my life (let's call her "E"). We got along great at the beginning; so great, in fact, that I took her friendship as a gift from God. Through her I got reacquainted with another old classmate ("G"), so it seemed that my life was changing for the better. As they say, God never closes a door without opening a window. Then, "E" began to distance herself from me without any apparent reason. After a few more ups and downs with her, I decided to let that acquaintanceship die its natural death. There were no heated discussions; communication just failed. At least, I thought, I have another person with whom I can talk, i.e., "G". Turns out, he was the same--all chit-chat one second, and the next, it's like he vanished from the face of the earth. I don't want to ever see these people again.
Now, when I first felt that things weren't working out with "E", I went down hard. Having a personality disorder, my mind just fired up a bunch of negative thoughts, and I got really depressed, and quiet. So quiet, that I couldn't talk to my mother; I was trapped inside my head. But did I get one shred of compassion from her? No, she just reacted angrily. "Why don't you talk?!" she asks upset. "Don't you get tired of not speaking?!" This came as a bombshell for me, because for many years I've been the family's provider, and the one who kinda kept a rein on the house. I had no support from anyone, but I took the responsibility. Now that I clearly needed help, understanding, I get angry reactions. So now, no friends, no family.
And the therapist? Again, when things started going awry with "E" and got really depressed (with tics and all), I went to a therapist. Just the cheapest and closest therapist I could find. And at first I was impressed by the doctor. The main advantage I saw was that she was young, which in my mind meant that she could perhaps better relate to me. The first session was ok, I blurted out many things that were bothering me. The second, she made me do some tests. Great! She's being very professional and is well prepared. On the third session, instead of continuing with the tests (as expected), we talked about secondary issues, which, though still important, I thought did not merit that much attention. The fourth session more talk of secondary issues, and now she appears to be ill prepared, like not knowing what to do next or give flimsy advice. Fifth session is the same. Sixth session, the same. This last one was this week. After therapy I felt awful, and went to write her an e-mail suspending the sessions. Did I get any acknowledgment for that e-mail? No. Why would I? I don't matter.
Lastly, when things didn't seem to get any worse, they do. Just a few days ago I had added one more contact to my Facebook page, bringing the total to 7! This new "friend" seemed to share a lot of the interests I have in the areas of philosophy and languages. We had just started to comment on each other's walls, and even chatted briefly yesterday morning. Imagine my surprise (oh, how dumb of me) to find a couple of hours ago, that I have been blocked by that person. Yes, blocked! Without any explanation whatsoever. I send him an e-mail asking if maybe someone had hacked into his account (yeah, right), and he replies saying that he's uncomfortable talking with someone who doesn't have any photos put up on the profile page. HAS THE WHOLE F**ING WORLD TURNED ON ME? WHY AM I BEING TREATED THIS WAY?! Of course, I deactivated my account almost immediately, since the other 6 "friends" don't seem to know that I exist, and there's no point to having an account anymore.
So, here I am, past midnight on a Saturday night, completely and utterly alone. I wonder what tomorrow will bring for me. I can't wait!
Ok, rant over.
).
