This is why I'm an a-hole

[Mirium]

-I had a husband for ten years
-We divorced last Christmas, we share the kids 50-50
-I was devastated, he lost his passion, it was over, but we tried again recently, then it was over again
-I met a guy in another city
-He asked me 'am I your rebound?'
-I said no
-He was very shy and inexperienced
-He asked me 'did you ever get back with him?'
-I said no (it was a lie, because I did)
-He found out, things blew up, I avoided the situation like the plague
-He was forgiving and sweet, I felt relief that I got away with it
-I had told him I had no secrets (more lies from me)
-Things weren't the same, I withdrew because I'm an a-hole
-He became insecure about our relationship
-I accepted his insecurities and promised I'd be there for him (or so I said)
-He was sweet, took lots of time to pay attention to me
-I wasn't so sweet, lied and said I didn't always have the freedom to talk because of the kids
-I made lots of promises to this sweet guy
-He believed them all, had no reason not to trust me
-I felt overwhelmed with work, ex and kids so I often took it out on him by not calling him back
-He got upset, said I was neglecting the relationship (he was right)
-I am emotionally immature and too stubborn (I know it) so instead of talking to him about it, I ignored the situation until it blew up and he wanted nothing more to do with me
-But because he's sweet, he still called me to ask if I was okay
-I ignored the call and never contacted him again
-I hurt him and I didn't have to
-I don't think I can change, I heard he has another girl already and I missed the boat

That's why I'm an a-hole

the end

 

[Seosa]

Some of us crave love, but fear it. I certainly crave love, but often I wonder would it be best to avoid it and situations like this.

Don't crucify yourself Miri, you've had it hard enough by the sound of things.

 

[Mirium]

Thank you.
I'm not crucifying myself
I AM an a-hole
And I know it
I said things I didn't mean
I hurt an innocent man
I made him feel it was all his fault
Because I'm an a-hole
I'm not looking for coddling
Let me have it
Maybe I'll change if someone stands up to me
Otherwise I will remain
An a-hole.

 

[Seosa]

While I'm a realist who promotes the idea of self-honesty, the last thing you need right now is to brand yourself an arsehole. It's easier said than done because a lot on here (including myself) do it a lot, but don't slander yourself.

 

[Mirium]

I made his insecurities worse because he trusted me
As I lied to him.
And then I blamed him for being insecure
I tortured his emotions
Thus...there is no changing who I am.
Thank you, I am a realist as well.

 

[theraab]

Why are you telling this to a bunch of strangers instead of telling the guy that you screwed over?

I absolutely agree that you are an a-hole.

 

[Mirium]

Why are you telling this to a bunch of strangers instead of telling the guy that you screwed over?

I absolutely agree that you are an a-hole.

I think you answered your own question.

 

[Seosa]

I've PM'd you Mirium if it helps

 

[Mirium]

I've PM'd you Mirium if it helps

Yes thank you.
Reality is I could have done more
But chose not to
When people want something
They take the time
When they don't
They are liars
I didn't take the time
And I lied
And I blamed
Just like the one who accuses the other of cheating
When she is the cheater.
I know what I am.
But I am also the lion before meeting the Great Oz
Therefore I will never apologize to him
Even tho he deserves it
I should be exposed
I hate who I have become
And I don't want pity

 

[theraab]

Well, the best way to expose yourself for this is on an anonymous forum. And, there is good reason for you to hate who you've become.

 

[Mirium]

Well, the best way to expose yourself for this is on an anonymous forum.

I am the cowardly lion after all
I agree with your sarcasm
I need to hear it
Or I will never change
I will make excuses for my behavior
And continue to hurt
Remaining self-righteous to the end.

 

[kamya]

Don't feel bad. You probably weren't the first one to be that way for him and at least he's happy now. Maybe next time will work out better.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Just move on.

 

[IgnoredOne]

You probably made him a stronger person, though he might hurt someone else innocent to make up for it.

And so it goes on...*popcorn*

 

[Lonely in BC]

I don't think it's anyone's place to label you Mirium, you've shown a self awareness into your actions that many (myself included on occasion) fail to acknowledge. It was a learning experience- Soph's right (as usual), move on. Beating yourself up isn't going to benefit you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Since you're a woman...You're gonna get more slack.
If i do it or did it...Since Im a guy Im consider a douchbag, womenizer...ect
Anywhere from envy, jealoucy to hate...ect

As a person...I sort of understand were you're come from....Experince.

I actaully had to do it serveral times. I love Renae very much and our relationship can get very stormy.
After Renae (we have a duaghter) separated/broke up(again). I got involved with Jennifer.
My emotions was all over the place. I told Jennifer exactly were i was at. On a rebound also too.
Never the less Jennifer fell very much in love with me. Jennifer would do anything and everything
for me. She comforted me. She wanted to our relationship to work out...perhasp ride out the
storm with me. TIME...Jennifer needed time with me. Thats what she was banking on.....
Over time that i would get over Renae. Jennifer was sweet as can be..
When i was living with Jennifer...I didnt have any contacts with Renae.
So I was trying to move on with my life...Never the less, i still love Renae and have plenty
of feelings for her...wheather i was in love with her or not..at that time.
I couldnt fore see the future....

While living with Jennifer my daufghter (Reane's daughter) called me everyday.
My emotions was all over the place. Kimi knows I love her mother very much. I was devestated.
Something bigger than all of us...Our family. I felt Ive lost that.

I left Jennifer for my daughter Kimi. I broke Jeniifer's heart.
Jennifer was beautiful on the inside and outside.
Man would died just to have a chance with her.
Most of my friends and family gave me honeysuckle about it or thought I was crazy for leaving Jennifer.

After relocating to be closer to my daughter physically...I met another woman. Juliet.
She was pretty and sweet as can be.
I still havnt had any contacts or heard from Renae....
Then one day Renae calls.
Juliet asked me to not pick up the phone. She knew it was Renae.
For about 10-15 mins Juliet felt homicidal and sueicidal.
Even when after I told Juliet I was leaving town ..she asked me serval times
for a couple of days to not leave.

Renae and I was in a major fight...I basically told Renae to fresia off too and said
alot of mean things to her. Never thought I hear from her again after that.....
I was devestated, hurted, angery at Renae....
I remember telling myself...only god could fix what Ive done...
Out in the middle of no where 100a of miles from home and my daghter...
As the sun was raising...Renae calls. She cried her heart out.
I drove to TX from CA to be with her....Try and try again.

Will...it turned into honeysuckle. Im not ganna go into a pissing contest or piont out what fresia up things
Reane did....
Kimi (my daughter ) had to walk me through it.
It was a hell of a bus ride home from TX to CA.
Renae and I stayed in contact for a month after I returned to CA.
I broke up with her...long distance realtionship or an open relationship wanst my bag of tea.
We were physically saperated....

Well...I started dating lots of women. Younger women..Pretty ones of course.
Not sure if i was on a rebound or what....but I was single.
Never thought I see or hear from Renae again.
Just living my life and trying to move on as best I can at that moment.

Actaully younger women were coming into my life from out of no where...I wasnt even trying hard.
I just got fed up with what other people or society telling how I ought to live act or do the right things....
Tell me stupid honeysuckle like I needed to work on myself...blah blah blah.

The worst thing I did was...one night I didnt really give a rats ass anymore or was in a zone.
I just went to a local bar and maybe flirt with Heather..
Then I met a chick that was with her BF....but I got really friendly with her and instigated a fight between her and her BF.
She totally loved me. Hugged and kissed me and told her BF to fresia off....
That was the first time i did that in my entire life. I felt that anger because everytime I turned around guys where always
hitting on Renae. Well...I can do that honeysuckle too...easier than you think. I wasnt a very nice guy to Charlette's BF.
But hell...Charlette thought I was the nicest and sweetest guy she ever met.
I did all of that in front of Heather, of course...

The rest of the women I dated or hung out with were single...
Then Monique came into my life out of no where.
I just started hanging around her and going out with her.
She was very pretty. She treated me very nice.
She told me she was 25 going on 45...that was her clue to me that she likes me.
May be in time I would had fell in love with Monique...IDK
She looks like a super model....that's always a plus.

But Renae called me again...right at the moment when I was getting sick and tire of dating or living my life like that.
Without any hasitations. I told Renae I would do anything to give us another chance.
This would be our 7th time..

I do know this....If i said I dont love Renae or try to stop loving her.
Im lying to myself........

Thats was 6 months ago.

I'm back in TX with ReNae again.....

I cant go back , fix or change the past. Disect it. Beat up myself. Feel guilty.
WhAT'S DONE IS DONE....
I dont believe there's any new lesson to be learned FOR ME.....
Follow my heart and be true to myself was something I heard since i was a kid.

wE're just lving for today...looking and planing for a better tommorrow.

 

[grainofrice24]

Wow...not to be mean or nothing, but given your points, you did kinda wipe your ass with this guys emotions.

And on the other hand this kind of behavior seems all to familiar to me. I think I may understand where you're coming from. If you want to chat feel free to IM me.

Take care

 

[Veilside05]

If you dont start to change, you will only hurt more guys.
Since you are able to open up, you should be able to make changes to your life. Just do it.....

 

[perfanoff]

-I had a husband for ten years
-We divorced last Christmas, we share the kids 50-50
-I was devastated, he lost his passion, it was over, but we tried again recently, then it was over again
-I met a guy in another city
-He asked me 'am I your rebound?'
-I said no
-He was very shy and inexperienced
-He asked me 'did you ever get back with him?'
-I said no (it was a lie, because I did)
-He found out, things blew up, I avoided the situation like the plague
-He was forgiving and sweet, I felt relief that I got away with it
-I had told him I had no secrets (more lies from me)
-Things weren't the same, I withdrew because I'm an a-hole
-He became insecure about our relationship
-I accepted his insecurities and promised I'd be there for him (or so I said)
-He was sweet, took lots of time to pay attention to me
-I wasn't so sweet, lied and said I didn't always have the freedom to talk because of the kids
-I made lots of promises to this sweet guy
-He believed them all, had no reason not to trust me
-I felt overwhelmed with work, ex and kids so I often took it out on him by not calling him back
-He got upset, said I was neglecting the relationship (he was right)
-I am emotionally immature and too stubborn (I know it) so instead of talking to him about it, I ignored the situation until it blew up and he wanted nothing more to do with me
-But because he's sweet, he still called me to ask if I was okay
-I ignored the call and never contacted him again
-I hurt him and I didn't have to
-I don't think I can change, I heard he has another girl already and I missed the boat

That's why I'm an a-hole

the end

Yes, you are low. Hopefully, karma will bite your ass back in some way.

P.S. People like you make the world a worse place, for all of us. So a sarcastic thank you is in order.

 

[Mirium]

Some tell me the truth, that what i've done is cruel and i am what i know i am
Some find ways to make excuses that what Im doing is okay and i should give myself a break
How do you justify hurting someone that much
How do you move on when you know your actions hurt the guy so badly
Do you try to make it up to him
Or move on to another and live empty of true love
Or lock up the heart
And live in misery & regret
He is a catch and i messed up
He called me the a-hole
He was right
He wants a girl who will treat him right
And I cant complain about it because i sent him away
Thru my actions and lies
I sent him the link to this place so he could read my declaration
Now i wait to see if he can forgive or if he tells me to fresia off
If he tells me to fresia off i deserve it and i will never love again
World will be better that way
Who needs to take a chance
Love is pathetic
I am too
To those who agree
Yes i am a pathetic a-hole
And i know it
To those who dont
I guess you have more of a heart
And more of a chance at love
But i am thinking
its not worth it
I have 3 boys
They love there mom
i dont need anyone else