Tired of it

[Devoid]

I'm sure most of whatever I'm going to say has been said all over this forum... but here I go anyways. It will also most likely take the form of an incoherent rant.

Meaningless... Everything is. The only meaning to life that there was and ever will be is that which I choose to give it. And I just don't care to give it any meaning.

I've always struggled with these feelings, but the past few months since my break-up have felt unbearable. I was in a very long-term relationship that I knew wasn't going to last but was all the same devastated when it ended. It wasn't so much that it ended, it was the fact that this girl, who at one point claimed endless love for me, clearly held not an ounce of compassion towards me any longer. We always talked of how when it ended we'd always remain best friends. But whatever, guess that's how things happen.

I just feel like I am unable to connect to anyone now. I feel so numb and detached ALL the time. I probably feel most isolated when I'm surrounded by people. Yet I so desperately desire to be close to someone. I need it, so this loneliness is killing me. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is just so low. As it should be! I'm far more intelligent than I can even demonstrate at this point. Totally underachieving... but it's getting to the point where I'm drowning in my own self-sabotage. The motivation is simply not there. And letting this loneliness and depression feed my pot addiction isn't helping any... but it's the only thing that takes the edge off. If only I was passionate about something... anything!

I just don't care to do anything anymore. I wish I could just sleep forever. Phase out of existence. Anything. Just put an end to this bullshit.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Beak up are hard for everyone. The emtional roller coaster are narely.

Well...I drown my sorrows after a diviorce into partying, getting drunk, high..etc
It went on for 2 years. I felt very disconnected from everything...even though on the surface I looked ok to everyone else.
Inside I felt like dying.

Not sure if I was an addict before the diviorce and after..or maybe after my diviorce, it kicked my addiction into over drive.
Never the less it was a very distructive cycle I had gotten myself into.
Well...I don't drink or get high anymore....as I said, I'm not sure what came first ...the chicken or the eggs.
Just not willing to play russian rollette, today.

maybe this is your bottom...IDK

Yeah...sick and tired of being sick and tire of the bullshit...I know what you mean.

I hope you find peace of mind and love someday...

Yes..it'll stop. It stopped for me.

 

[Leopard]

Hmm, Devoid. Maybe your numbness, and more particularly, your lack of a sense of meaning is a blessing in disguise at this point. Wanting to do nothing as a way of coping. Perhaps it's a kind of emotional anesthesia. One which you WILL wake up from.

Consider the opposite; an aching pulsar of dark passion, tumult continually rising in your chest driving you to do something, anything, everything... Consider knowing--and having always known since consciousness awakened in you--what you were supposed to be doing with your life. Feeling the pull to it everyday, having this drive revving in you, spinning your wheels, keeping you awake at night, making you feel nauseous, so overwhelmingly compelling does it pulse through you, your purpose. Monstrous, terrible, undeniable.

And then not doing it. Being unable to, through some pathetic inadequecy of your own, fear of beginning, fear of succeeding, fear of failing. And so add to your wasted bonfire a few further sticks of self-loathing, watch your intelligence, which so sparked and energized you on those nights of driving fast on a summer night when all your life was ahead of you, melt out of you as you perform a job that demeans you, year after year after year. Watch yourself, your mind, become shrunken and ugly, and the person in the mirror become a shell utterly unrecognizable.

When you add to that a profound loneliness, a mad and silent flailing for the touch of someone's hand...well. I wish I was numb. (And maybe a joint would help too.) I've turned my reponse into the normal It's All About Me. I guess my suggestion is to recognize your time-out for what it is, survival, and enjoy what it offers you. If that's sleep, food, TV and pot, so be it. When you're tired enough of it, it will pass.