Total Unraveling

[Despicable Me]

Rodent, I'm truly sorry you feel that way. Obviously I must disagree and I think the insults are truly uncalled for, the reason why I had to get a mod in here, but I will leave you alone now. It is not to suit your request but simply because I've done my best and that is all that I can do. I just wish there was a way for me to explain it in a way you'd accept.

Anyway, I really do hope for the best for you. That's all I've got left to say. Have a good life. I'll put you on ignore now so we don't have anymore "bickering".

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Responding from personal experience and only from personal experience:

Often, the act of immersing oneself in deep and continual analysis ***insert-description-here*** than immersing oneself in emotions and connections.

(is easier, is less threatening, is safer, is less painful, offers more predictable results, better allows us to postpone difficult challenges, is more familiar, etc.)

In other words, such a mindframe tends to serve a purpose rather than being a goal in itself. I've yet to meet the uncorrupted youth, full of hope and wonder, who proclaims: "When I grow up, I want to be the most analytical man who's ever lived!"

When I consider total immersion into analytical thinking (which I'm prone to but have come to see in myself as a form of defense mechanism), I'm reminded of John Nash - the man who inspired the film 'A Beautiful Mind' by using his amazing intellect to reason his way around schizophrenia. In the end, even he couldn't avoid 'the feels.'

 

[red guy]

Ok, so you are a machine?
You are only 23. Give it some time. Those people you can say goodbye now is the ones you gonna miss once more hormones kick in.

 

[ardour]

Nevermind.

 

[user 115627]

Thanks for the continuous input, folks.

Responding from personal experience and only from personal experience:

Often, the act of immersing oneself in deep and continual analysis ***insert-description-here*** than immersing oneself in emotions and connections.

(is easier, is less threatening, is safer, is less painful, offers more predictable results, better allows us to postpone difficult challenges, is more familiar, etc.)

In other words, such a mindframe tends to serve a purpose rather than being a goal in itself. I've yet to meet the uncorrupted youth, full of hope and wonder, who proclaims: "When I grow up, I want to be the most analytical man who's ever lived!"

When I consider total immersion into analytical thinking (which I'm prone to but have come to see in myself as a form of defense mechanism), I'm reminded of John Nash - the man who inspired the film 'A Beautiful Mind' by using his amazing intellect to reason his way around schizophrenia. In the end, even he couldn't avoid 'the feels.'

Of course it's easier and offers more stability than the "high life", but I've never been much of daredevil and in comparison to others I have already had a share of these social (and partially romantic) experiences others here still long for. And I can only speak for myself here too: They're not that special. I don't look back at them with desire or desperation.

I'm neither a genius nor a schizophrenic, but I think all youth has to go through stages of corruption eventually. We can't all become astronauts, some of us are more or less capable to achieve certain goals and I'm not chasing a carrot on a stick. Surely nobody proclaims to become the most analytical man at young age, but that's not my goal either. Otherwise I'd end up a rather humorless chump and I like to have a good laugh. I merely immerse myself in things that have the potential to make me happy and for the most part I already know what does and what doesn't.

Ok, so you are a machine?
You are only 23. Give it some time. Those people you can say goodbye now is the ones you gonna miss once more hormones kick in.

Moar hormones? I've already been through puberty, just saying. I've given these things a whole lot of time and thought already and I feel I'm closer than ever to finding my own way through this mess called life. And no, I'm not a machine. Machines can't be creative (okay, yet) but that still is a pretty big part of my life I don't intend to abandon.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

At this point in my life, I spend increasingly more time questioning the premises of questions rather than attempting to answer those same questions, diligently searching for false dichotomies and eagerly putting them to rest, and looking in all directions for the next paradigm shift. In this latest period of personal growth, I am once again reminded that life is a continuous learning experience. Beware of any thinking (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) that causes you to craft articulate little boxes to place yourself in. Be open to the idea that your evolution as an individual will not end at 25, 35, 45, 55, or beyond. On that note, attempts to rigidly define oneself at any stop along the way are often futile and can be precarious. Introspection, when it delivers us to a healthier and more holistic understanding of ourselves, is a good thing. In that process, knowledge should flow from within, not the other way around. More specifically, thoughts should not be pushed inward. Such an activity is not introspection; rather, this would qualify as self-deception or self-conditioning and is a limiting and unhealthful behavior.

Use caution when dealing with the self. Be its true advocate. Only build it up. Don't limit it. Don't fool it. Don't trick it. Don't abuse it.

When intelligence and reason can deliver us to a place that is healthful in our lives, then they have served a wonderful purpose. Not all thought is healthful. Not all analysis is noble. Be wary of false dichotomies. It sounds like you are on the right track.

On a marginally related note, have you considered writing short stories or novels? You are quite exceptional with the written word and I sense that writing is also an outlet of sorts for you - a place where logic, creativity, and emotion blend in a way that makes sense.

 

[user 115627]

At this point in my life, I spend increasingly more time questioning the premises of questions rather than attempting to answer those same questions, diligently searching for false dichotomies and eagerly putting them to rest, and looking in all directions for the next paradigm shift. In this latest period of personal growth, I am once again reminded that life is a continuous learning experience. Beware of any thinking (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) that causes you to craft articulate little boxes to place yourself in. Be open to the idea that your evolution as an individual will not end at 25, 35, 45, 55, or beyond. On that note, attempts to rigidly define oneself at any stop along the way are often futile and can be precarious. Introspection, when it delivers us to a healthier and more holistic understanding of ourselves, is a good thing. In that process, knowledge should flow from within, not the other way around. More specifically, thoughts should not be pushed inward. Such an activity is not introspection; rather, this would qualify as self-deception or self-conditioning and is a limiting and unhealthful behavior.

Use caution when dealing with the self. Be its true advocate. Only build it up. Don't limit it. Don't fool it. Don't trick it. Don't abuse it.

When intelligence and reason can deliver us to a place that is healthful in our lives, then they have served a wonderful purpose. Not all thought is healthful. Not all analysis is noble. Be wary of false dichotomies. It sounds like you are on the right track.

On a marginally related note, have you considered writing short stories or novels? You are quite exceptional with the written word and I sense that writing is also an outlet of sorts for you - a place where logic, creativity, and emotion blend in a way that makes sense.

I'll admit it right away, your response was quite overwhelming and it took me some time to see it through which I hopefully did to some degree. Even if I seem articulate above average, I lose track past a certain point of elaboration.

There's a whole range of questions concerning life and human nature that I have attempted to answer for myself throughout the years, starting from the simplest "What am I even doing here?" and all its deviations. The most important lesson I have learned along the way is accepting that a lot of these questions are either not meant to be answered at all or that their answer will always be a different one while you're progressing through various stations of life. Yet they are never right or wrong, just suitable for the purpose of moving forward.

It honors me that you think I'm on the right track for all I'm really trying is to sustain myself mentally. Lesser and greater men alike have thought themselves into madness while thinking they were escaping it, misinterpreting pure knowledge and greater truths as a key to understanding. But I think the pillars of this sustainment are intelligence, reason and humor because some paradigms can only be met with absurdity. Frankly, I'm a man of simple truths. Though there aren't many of its kind.

I'm stopping here now because I don't take much pleasure in sounding this way. It gives the convincing illusion that I hold answers others don't have which is not the case. In the end, we only answer to ourselves and there's a high chance that the answers we give really go for no one but ourselves.

And yes, I have considering writing at times and it's a vital outlet for me. But my vocabulary is ultimately very limited because English is not my mother tongue.

 

[lifestream]

At this point in my life, I spend increasingly more time questioning the premises of questions rather than attempting to answer those same questions, diligently searching for false dichotomies and eagerly putting them to rest, and looking in all directions for the next paradigm shift. In this latest period of personal growth, I am once again reminded that life is a continuous learning experience. Beware of any thinking (emotional, intellectual, spiritual) that causes you to craft articulate little boxes to place yourself in. Be open to the idea that your evolution as an individual will not end at 25, 35, 45, 55, or beyond. On that note, attempts to rigidly define oneself at any stop along the way are often futile and can be precarious. Introspection, when it delivers us to a healthier and more holistic understanding of ourselves, is a good thing. In that process, knowledge should flow from within, not the other way around. More specifically, thoughts should not be pushed inward. Such an activity is not introspection; rather, this would qualify as self-deception or self-conditioning and is a limiting and unhealthful behavior.

Use caution when dealing with the self. Be its true advocate. Only build it up. Don't limit it. Don't fool it. Don't trick it. Don't abuse it.

When intelligence and reason can deliver us to a place that is healthful in our lives, then they have served a wonderful purpose. Not all thought is healthful. Not all analysis is noble. Be wary of false dichotomies. It sounds like you are on the right track.

On a marginally related note, have you considered writing short stories or novels? You are quite exceptional with the written word and I sense that writing is also an outlet of sorts for you - a place where logic, creativity, and emotion blend in a way that makes sense.

This was a very sagacious piece of advice. I commend your insight.

 

[dd11]

I used to spend a lot of time wrestling with the Big questions. But what i really learned was that it is the small things that satisfy. That to truly live and enjoy life means being present in the every day things of life. To just find the joys of today The past is over and who knows about the future. Doesnt mean i still dont wrestle with those Big questions. But now my focus is on today. Whatever i am doing be it cooking dinner or working or cleaning the house i give that my full attention. Being present and throwing yourself into today whatever i
t is. If that makes sense. Seems like you are a Big thinker.

 

[user 115627]

I used to spend a lot of time wrestling with the Big questions. But what i really learned was that it is the small things that satisfy. That to truly live and enjoy life means being present in the every day things of life. To just find the joys of today. The past is over and who knows about the future. Doesnt mean i still dont wrestle with those Big questions. But now my focus is on today. Whatever i am doing be it cooking dinner or working or cleaning the house i give that my full attention. Being present and throwing yourself into today whatever it is. If that makes sense. Seems like you are a Big thinker.

Was that directed at bleed_the_freak, me or the both of us? Just asking.

 

[dd11]

Just general comments that i thought, thats all.

 

[user 115627]

Just general comments that i thought, thats all.

Nah, I was asking because of the "Big Thinker" part at the end really. Cause I don't see myself as one and I actually agree with everyone you've said up there. If one's mind would always derail into endless pondering during everyday activities, you'd never get anything done or you'd screw up royally all the time. The job at hand is the most important one.

No offense to all the thinkers out there, even if you go on about your daily tasks with care and precision, you'll probably still have at least an hour or two a day to sit there and just "think". Preferably that shouldn't be right after you decided to lay down in bed though.

 

[dd11]

Your comments just got me to thinking! lol So, i think some of us tend to ponder a lot of things in a way that can actually hinder us. I guess I have learned to put some of that type of thinking aside. Not that we should be deep or big thinkers, but that if it becomes a hindrance, then it makes sense to think about what we are thinking about! If that makes any sense! lol

 

[user 115627]

What I really deem a hindrance in life is thinking without application or consequence. That's why I had to ditch philosophy - most of it is inconsequential at the end of a day. At the base of most thinking processes should be the resolution of a problem. I mean, I always thought that's when lots of people lose themselves in thinking. When they're trying to solve their life. But then there's never any consequence to what they're thinking about. They get stuck in theory or the attempt of finding the one answer to particular questions...you know, the kind with no absolutely right one.

Anyways, ever since I came to accept that the majority of life is plain absurdity, I sleep like a log. And besides, what you've been unable to solve in those hours of daylight pondering is unlikely to be solved during restless night hours. When the ceiling is staring right back at you with that blank expression that is meant to convey one vital piece of advice: Just go the fresia to sleep.

I think I'm starting to derail my own thread.

 

[dd11]

Then there are those whose only concerns for the day are to Sleep, Eat, and Poop! lol

 

[user 115627]

But then they really got that going for themselves. Just throw some 'Play' and you got a fulfilled life right there. No judgment though. Looking around, I think a lot of people would envy that kinda lifestyle...worth a topic on its own.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Originally the thread posed a very simple question: "What am I?"

I'm not sure. Just another person, I suppose. I have to admit, I have always been a little skeptical of anyone who claims to like dark imagery. However, I think you've made a lot of meaningful insights in your time here, and said some things I've really liked. This is my favorite, from this thread:

http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=32647&page=18

To keep trying still seems like a better option than resorting to accept the brand mark of the unprivileged who's not even allowed to choose. I can understand where you're coming from, but honestly: If you shove yourself into the undesirable category, your ride is over for good.

.....

And yet, I wouldn't want to put my weapons down and and say: "You know, maybe I'm part of the designated loser crew. Let's stop here for good." I just don't want to end up there.

---

What I really deem a hindrance in life is thinking without application or consequence. That's why I had to ditch philosophy - most of it is inconsequential at the end of a day. At the base of most thinking processes should be the resolution of a problem. I mean, I always thought that's when lots of people lose themselves in thinking. When they're trying to solve their life. But then there's never any consequence to what they're thinking about. They get stuck in theory or the attempt of finding the one answer to particular questions...you know, the kind with no absolutely right one.

Anyways, ever since I came to accept that the majority of life is plain absurdity, I sleep like a log. And besides, what you've been unable to solve in those hours of daylight pondering is unlikely to be solved during restless night hours. When the ceiling is staring right back at you with that blank expression that is meant to convey one vital piece of advice: Just go the fresia to sleep.

I think I'm starting to derail my own thread.

I definitely hear you about the philosophizing and overthinking, having spent years on such things myself. But unfortunately all that happened was that time passed.

Part of me agrees with you that it would just save me time to ditch the philosophy, but another part of me thinks that I should keep going, keep trying to find meanings for things, because one, I want to have more meaning in my life and because I want to become more creative and artistic.

 

[ardour]

What I really deem a hindrance in life is thinking without application or consequence. That's why I had to ditch philosophy - most of it is inconsequential at the end of a day. At the base of most thinking processes should be the resolution of a problem. I mean, I always thought that's when lots of people lose themselves in thinking. When they're trying to solve their life. But then there's never any consequence to what they're thinking about. They get stuck in theory or the attempt of finding the one answer to particular questions...you know, the kind with no absolutely right one.

Anyways, ever since I came to accept that the majority of life is plain absurdity, I sleep like a log. And besides, what you've been unable to solve in those hours of daylight pondering is unlikely to be solved during restless night hours. When the ceiling is staring right back at you with that blank expression that is meant to convey one vital piece of advice: Just go the fresia to sleep.

I think I'm starting to derail my own thread.

Some of the things that vex people can't be considered objectively as problems in the first place, since they're a matter of wants not needs. You might need to have some 'wants' of your own in order to empathize and understand.

Warning, cheesy armchair psychologist commentary: The unsentimental persona isn't you at all; it's a way of insulating yourself against disappointment by avoiding emotional investment in others, ideals etc.

Philosophy doesn't have to be all thinking exercises with not point. Stoicism seems to have some practical application in terms of moderating moods and putting things in perspective.

 

[user 115627]

I'm not sure. Just another person, I suppose. I have to admit, I have always been a little skeptical of anyone who claims to like dark imagery. However, I think you've made a lot of meaningful insights in your time here, and said some things I've really liked.

Thanks, SkaFish. Since I seem to remember that you're also skeptical towards tattooed people since they define a "bad" image to you, that doesn't surprise me much. But if you want a solid basis for dismissing people, I'd look closer at what they are saying than what they personally like. Unless it's Lady Gaga's music.

I definitely hear you about the philosophizing and overthinking, having spent years on such things myself. But unfortunately all that happened was that time passed.

Part of me agrees with you that it would just save me time to ditch the philosophy, but another part of me thinks that I should keep going, keep trying to find meanings for things, because one, I want to have more meaning in my life and because I want to become more creative and artistic.

Choose a philosophy, but the right one. Stoicism which ardour mentions below, is one of that kind and I respect it. I'm not a dreamer. I usually dismiss only the kinds that really do nothing but occupy your mind and distance you more from reality than helping you to handle it.

You can keep searching, it's just that I haven't found much meaning out there. Only in what I do on my own and for myself - which involves being creative.

Some of the things that vex people can't be considered objectively as problems in the first place, since they're a matter of wants not needs. You might need to have some 'wants' of your own in order to empathize and understand.

Warning, cheesy armchair psychologist commentary: The unsentimental persona isn't you at all; it's a way of insulating yourself against disappointment by avoiding emotional investment in others, ideals etc.

Philosophy doesn't have to be all thinking exercises with not point. Stoicism seems to have some practical application in terms of moderating moods and putting things in perspective.

You're right there though I often ask myself how some of these 'wants' are still part of a somebody's personal aspirations and not just the cultural expectations they have succumbed to in order to find acceptance among their peers and parents. I've been trying to make these as independent from other people as possible and that was only possible because they also varied to those of my agemates. Starting with how I never had aspirations to have a wife and family at any point while growing up...it just didn't occur to me.

Arts, crafts and a job - the real things - have always been more emotionally rewarding to me because they've proven to be a more or less steady investment in comparison to people. I use them mostly as a canvas to reflect on, but you don't need to get personal for this. I know I have sentimentality in me somewhere and I won't nail you to the cross that statement. But for the sake of survival you're better off burying some of those more corruptable features. Out there you can't always be yourself, no matter what the motivational coaches tell you.

I'm almost 24 now and while I don't know where and how I'll be in five years or more, I know very well what I don't want to be. Constantly unfulfilled wants lead to frustration and desperation and I've seen one too many rebelling against how unfair the world and societal norms are, how nobody gives them what they desire and how nobody sees them how they want to be seen. You know what I'm referring to. While I'm alive I will try to prevent myself from going down that road. My advantage was that while I have emotional capabilities they've never been predominant in guiding my wants, so I managed keep them at bay. Somewhere, somehow I got hurt and burned multiples times like many others but I don't wanna go around telling people how 'broken' or 'damaged' I am either because no one can give a honeysuckle, it's up to me to fix if I have a problem. And if I can't fix it, the least the experience can do is being a reminder of what not to do and how to do better.

And I agree with you on stoicism and I support that. As I already mentioned to SkaFish, it's one of the more applicable philosophies that actually help to deal with reality.

 

[ardour]

I've been trying to make these as independent from other people as possible and that was only possible because they also varied to those of my agemates. Starting with how I never had aspirations to have a wife and family at any point while growing up...it just didn't occur to me.

Arts, crafts and a job - the real things - have always been more emotionally rewarding to me because they've proven to be a more or less steady investment in comparison to people.

You've chosen the safety of things over people. That's valid but it won't be enough for everyone.

I'm almost 24 now and while I don't know where and how I'll be in five years or more, I know very well what I don't want to be. Constantly unfulfilled wants lead to frustration and desperation and I've seen one too many rebelling against how unfair the world and societal norms are, how nobody gives them what they desire and how nobody sees them how they want to be seen. You know what I'm referring to.

Yeah, obviously. I can't embrace a no-attachments mindset the way you have though.

Resentment and aggrieved disappointed can be lessened and dealt without completely rejecting relationships. Religion would help, but I'm not religious and don't want to use it for that purpose. The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius addresses it in a practical manner - realizing it's how you react to circumstances that defines you, not what you have or don't have (Skafish maybe you would be interested).