Uncertain...

[bookworm1979]

So, here's my problem: I'm supposed to meet a guy that I've been chatting with online, but, based on our chats, I don't know if it's going to be worth it...I try to draw him out and ask questions about his favorite things, music, movies, books, anything, and I mainly get one-word answers, or he just says he has no preferences...Yet he says he has a good feeling about me, and he can't wait to meet me...I'm really confused...I'm not sure I can be with someone who doesn't either share some of my interests, or at least give opinions about his...Maybe he's just afraid to say the wrong thing? If anything, I think it should be easier to talk online than in person....

And he said he was tired and then we signed off, but he's still online on the site...

 

[Lonely in BC]

I think you should hold off meeting this individual until you learn more about him for your personal safety.

 

[bookworm1979]

I think you may be right...What makes you say that?

And I asked him everything I could think of without getting too personal, so last night I told him to ask me anything, and the only thing he could come up with is "how do you feel about affection like hugging and kissing?" (because I've made it clear that I don't want to live together or sleep with someone unless I'm married)...I don't know, my main problem is that I don't feel an intellectual connection, but maybe he just doesn't like to type much, LOL?

And thanks for being the only person to reply, Lonely in BC!

 

[Tiina63]

It is uphill work and very exhausting when you have to carry the entire conversation with someone. It makes you feel that you are being boring or something when the other person doesn't hold up their end of the conversation. (I speak from experience if being with similar people.) If you are finding him unresponsive online, he will most probably be the same if you were to meet him.
I also find the fact that his only question involved physical contact to be off putting. To be honest, based on what you have written, I would let this one go.

 

[Lonely in BC]

It is uphill work and very exhausting when you have to carry the entire conversation with someone. It makes you feel that you are being boring or something when the other person doesn't hold up their end of the conversation. (I speak from experience if being with similar people.) If you are finding him unresponsive online, he will most probably be the same if you were to meet him.
I also find the fact that his only question involved physical contact to be off putting. To be honest, based on what you have written, I would let this one go.

Yep, Tiina very nicely summed it up for you.

I think you can pretty much assume that if the only thing that perks up the person you're chatting with is intimacy and everything else is a non-response that the relationship is going to be very one dimensional.

Why would I say learn more about the person you're talking to before meeting for your own safety- because the world is filled with opportunists who are more concerned about their wants and needs bookworm.

 

[Lost Drifter]

It is uphill work and very exhausting when you have to carry the entire conversation with someone. It makes you feel that you are being boring or something when the other person doesn't hold up their end of the conversation.

You've summed up 99% of my conversations perfectly; it feels like I’m banging my head against a brick wall for the most part.

bookworm1979: some excellent advice from Tiina63 and Lonely in BC. I can’t add much save to echo their wisdom, from what you have described I would either avoid this person completely or wait until you feel far more comfortable with meeting them. Your own safety is paramount.

 

[bookworm1979]

Tiina63: Yes, I agree, having a one-sided conversation is exhausting...And, yet, HE always ends the conversation by saying "so tired", LOL...But then when we sign off of chat, he's still online for another half hour, but he says he's just doing things around the house...I just find it odd that he can't even tell me the name of one band he listens to, one movie he likes...Not that those are the most important things in life, but it's nice when someone can form an opinion...Maybe I'm asking for too much, LOL...And that question about affection was annoying, that's the only thing he could come up with?

Lonely in BC: Yes, I wonder if the fact that I"ve stressed that I'm not interested in premarital sex can be more of a turn-on for some guys...My mom said, "What if he thinks he's going to pop your cork?", ROFLMAO!!! I guess my profile is a bit too honest, but I don't want to go on several dates with someone and then have to break it off because of the sex thing...

Lost Drifter: It's true, most of my conversations are like that, too...I'll say something and people just won't respond at all, like I didn't even say anything...Maybe I'M the boring one, I dunno...He wants to meet on Saturday, but I've been kind of wishy-washy about it right along...He keeps saying, "We will talk", "It will be better in real life"...And his spelling isn't the best, LOL...

Well, thanks, everyone for replying...I'm new to posting, so thanks for making me feel welcome...I hope I can keep on contributing to discussions...

 

[blackdot]

sounds like a lot of the females I tried to talk to on dating websites.
I had always heard that women love to talk but from what I would find in e-mails with women on those sites, communication is the Devil.
If you start asking questions, they will either skip them and talk about something else or just say they are busy and stop talking altogether.

 

[The Good Citizen]

sounds like a lot of the females I tried to talk to on dating websites.
I had always heard that women love to talk but from what I would find in e-mails with women on those sites, communication is the Devil.
If you start asking questions, they will either skip them and talk about something else or just say they are busy and stop talking altogether.

Yep, I have to agree with all that but I think thats part of the process of finding the right person. Until you feel that connection you are far better putting off meeting someone. I think when you agree to meet someone you should be looking forward to it and feeling positive about the result (if a bit nervous). It doesn't sound if you are at that point yet.
Messaging first should help people open up and feel more comfortable talking about themselves so if thats not happening a date could be hard going!

On the flip side what attracts you about him, what are his good qualities?

On a practical level, talking on the phone was the next stage for me when I tried a dating website. Any lingering doubts will quickly be confirmed or banished when you can hear their voice. So that may be an alternative if you are still curious, just maybe be carefull about phone numbers, a prepaid number might be the way to go as if you get any hassle by text etc it can be ditched.

Good luck!

 

[bookworm1979]

blackdot: I just have to say that, from reading your posts on this site, you seem like a very interesting, intelligent person (well, everyone on this site is interesting and intelligent, but your posts always catch my attention; and, no, I'm not shamelessly flirting, but I wish there were guys like you in my area!), and I'm surprised you haven't found someone who wants to be with you yet...It seems like you have the same luck as I do on dating sites...It's true that women are usually known to be more chatty, so I don't know what's wrong with the women you've been contacting...The guy I was chatting with would answer questions, but mainly with a yes or no...And his spelling was atrocious! Not that spelling is everything, but sometimes I found it difficult to understand what he was trying to say...

The Good Citizen: I definitely don't feel a connection with this guy...I really tried, but the conversation draaaaaaaaaaaagggeddd...Or should I say the monologue...Then he kind of creeped me out saying he was gazing at my pic as we chatted...I did try calling him once, but the phone just kept ringing, then went to voicemail...He said he was talking to his dad...He does have some good qualities, I guess...I just can't really think of what they are because I can't get a feel for him as a person...My mom likes that he has a house and a good job, but that's all superficial stuff to me...Anyway, it doesn't make a difference because I sent him an email saying I'd rather not meet, and good luck to you...I hate to reject people, but I just wasn't feeling anything towards him...Like you said, no positive anticipation of our meeting...

Again, thanks for the replies/advice!

 

[blackdot]

bookworm1979

Thanks.
I just have no luck I guess. My mom tells me if it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Most women I run into on dating sites are just "too busy".
On another message board I am on, the people have told me I should not try to talk with them online but instead meet them as soon as possible. Then I need to talk for a while while getting her drunk and then going back to her place. *cringes*
Since I can't stand being any where near alcohol and I ain't going to date someone that is that "easy", most people's advise is completely wrong. *laughs*

 

[bookworm1979]

blackdot: Guess you were "born under a bad sign"...I know what you mean about having no luck...I don't get the whole "too busy" thing, why do they even answer you then? It must be some sort of power trip? Wow, I think you need to stay away from that message board, LOL!!! Seriously, though, I think it's great that you don't like to drink and you wouldn't take advantage of a woman, plus, you don't like "easy" women...Can you send a clone of yourself to New Jersey, LOL???

 

[blackdot]

If I could clone myself then I would have someone to talk to. HA HA HA!

I had one woman last year contact me on the dating site wanting to talk. That's always a bonus when they contact me first. After about 3 good e-mails, she said she was busy with something for work. The word "busy" is code word for I am about to disappear. Well after a week, I e-mailed her if things were ok as I had not heard from her. She responded back that she was still busy. Since she was busy she wouldn't be able to meet me so she didn't see any reason to waste her time sending me a short e-mail.
I swear women on Match.com are psychotic.

 

[passage]

No offence, but sometimes I wonder if people are jsut stupid or ignorant. OF COURSE HE JUST WANTS SEX. You shouldn't let your desperation cloud your ability to think.

 

[bookworm1979]

blackdot: Same here...I wish I could clone myself because I've never had a conversation with someone in real life who shares at least some of my interests...Except my mom...I think I'm giving up on the dating site thing...I'm too weird for the normal guys, and too normal for the weird guys, LOL...I think I'll have to get used to being alone forever, why torture myself with thinking it could be different? And those women DO sound psychotic, definitely not worth your time! But at least you are persistent!

passage: Thank you for managing to call someone you don't even know (um, ME) stupid AND ignorant! I feel SO welcome now, I can't even tell you!!!!!!!! I can think just fine, and I'm NOT desperate...I'm extremely accustomed to being on my own, so, in this case, I can take him or leave him, and I"m DEFINITELY leaving him! Offense was taken, by the way...

 

[blackdot]

I unfortunately did meet someone once that matched me almost 100%. She was so much like me. Unfortunately she had a mental issue (clinical one, I'm not just calling her crazy) that kept her from ever showing emotions. She was always withdrawn. And it killed me to have her push me away after 2 years of me constantly trying to get her to open up. Being told I deserve someone better is horrible.
So for me, I went out with my perfect match as my first date and now I'm stuck constantly going out with people that don't match up to her.

But I have to stay persistent. Otherwise I give up and die alone.

 

[Lonely in BC]

Don't let someone's off the cuff response get to you bookworm- everybody has opinions, some of them are going to be quite pathetic such as the one in the post prior. From what I've read you are an asset to ALL.

 

[bookworm1979]

blackdot: That really sucks...My mom is looking to date someone, too, and she always runs into that problem: the guy can be great in every aspect, but there's always one thing that ruins it for her...But I'm glad you haven't given up, you WILL find someone, it just might take awhile...Sorry I can't give you any advice...

Lonely in BC: Thank you for the kind words...I won't let "Passage" get to me again!