Very unhappy

[Gemmy]

I think I'm going to make it a part of my New Year's "resolution" to get on here more seeing as no one around me can understand nor do I have a lot of people to talk to. I'm just very unhappy and have been for a long time. I do acknowledge things could be worse but truthfully, I'm fed up with feeling like this.

Not going to go into details but to make an extremely long story short, I'm 22 and live with my parents with my 2 year old because her father has been incarcerated since December of 2013 but gets out this upcoming June. I've been very unhappy and lonely since then and recently found out about all the chicks he cheated on me with in the past. He wants to start over but I'm afraid and have already told him I'm willing to try again. I am also on probation and have been since May of 2014. I have 4 months left. It's kinda personal but let's just say I had a panic attack which resulted in my mom cursing me out and me having an anger outburst. My mom called police and I ended up in jail for 6 days over my birthday weekend. She says it was to help me but in all honesty, it only made my life harder than it already was.

Just a few months ago, I lost one of my closest friends. I have still been grieving. I cannot find a job. I've applied everywhere and I qualify for next to no assistance because I have no income, I still live with my parents, and I have this misdemeanor looming over my head until May. Not to mention, I had a lot of mandatory appointments each month with my probation and I can't find one employer here that will work with my schedule, not even freakin' McDonalds or Walmart.

I'm extremely unhappy. I've been trying to get out of this pit but it just seems there's no way out. I start my spring semester in about a week but it's just not enough. I'm trying to stay optimistic that everything will get better but these past couple years have been terrible and I don't even want to keep getting my hopes up.

 

[dd11]

Gemmy, you are very young. YOu have your whole life ahead of you. You can have a great life. At this point, I think you really need to get some focus. You are probation. You don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I would highly advise you to reconsider getting back into a relationship with your child's father who is currently in jail. If he tends towards criminal behavior, you may get sucked into something and you could potentially wind up in jail, losing custody of your child, etc. And, he's a cheater. MOVE ON. You deserve better. My guess is that your mom is very frustrated at some of the choices you have made to this point and acted out towards you. And, sometimes people call the police in a situation where they simply don't know what else to do. Whether she should have or not, I don't know the situation, but even if she should not have, consider that she is the one helping you while your BF sits in jail not helping you at all. Pay attention to the people in your life who are really there for you versus ones with empty promises.
So, love up your child. Focus on your spring semester. Look forward to a better life and leave the past, including your BF behind. We all make mistakes and many times in life it is 2 steps forward and one back. You are now ready to take steps forward.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with the above reply. You have some really good things in your life-your little girl, college, your parents who are helping you out. I would also advise against getting back together with your boyfriend. He may always be a part of your life as you have a child together but becoming involved again on a serious level with him may lead to more problems in the future. Could your college services help you with finding a job which you could fit around your course?

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you are afraid he will cheat again, that means you don't trust him. You will wonder every time he goes out what he is doing and who he is with. Don't go back to him, you will be much better off without him.
Focus on what you do have, work to make your life better and everything will turn out okay in the end. Do what's best for you and your daughter. I'm sorry to say I do NOT think that is getting back together with your boyfriend.

 

[Despicable Me]

I qualify for next to no assistance because I have no income, I still live with my parents, and I have this misdemeanor looming over my head until May.

I'm not sure where you live, but the majority of places that provide welfare type assistance do so mostly for people with no income above all others. That is, in fact, mainly the point of welfare assistance programs, to provide assistance for people with minimal or no income to support themselves.
Perhaps you're not looking in the right places? I don't know. I just know there is very likely some assistance available to you that you have not yet applied for, especially since you have a 2 year old child. I would suggest looking around a bit more, if possible.

Edit - I just checked your profile and it says you live in Ohio. I know for a fact there are many different programs in the US which can help you. Have you applied for WIC, TANF, and Food Stamps? You should be able to get all of these things in your situation. Ask about them and other services you may be qualified for at your local DHS office. If the person you talk to is rude or doesn't seem to wish to help you ask to speak to someone else, possibly even their manager. I've dealt with all kinds of these people before at agencies like DHS, in several different ways, both receiving and assisting, and I will tell you that some of them truly don't want to help anyone and just do the minimal amount for the paycheck. Others can be very caring and help you a lot. You just need to find the right person to talk to.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I qualify for next to no assistance because I have no income, I still live with my parents, and I have this misdemeanor looming over my head until May.

I'm not sure where you live, but the majority of places that provide welfare type assistance do so mostly for people with no income above all others. That is, in fact, mainly the point of welfare assistance programs, to provide assistance for people with minimal or no income to support themselves.
Perhaps you're not looking in the right places? I don't know. I just know there is very likely some assistance available to you that you have not yet applied for, especially since you have a 2 year old child. I would suggest looking around a bit more, if possible.

Profile says US. Where she is goes by HOUSEHOLD income, so if she lives with her parents and they make more than the federal poverty level, she won't qualify.
If she were to move out on her own, then she would definitely qualify, as long as she didn't make too much money.

 

[Despicable Me]

Profile says US. Where she is goes by HOUSEHOLD income, so if she lives with her parents and they make more than the federal poverty level, she won't qualify.
If she were to move out on her own, then she would definitely qualify, as long as she didn't make too much money.

Many go by 'household income' but many go by individual family (in which it would just be parent+child). In many cases she might actually be considered 'homeless' since she does not have a home of her own and the situation is currently temporary. In all of these cases where she is counted as homeless her parents' income will be excluded. And it is also up to each individual program to decide these things and they are all different and have different requirements. In fact I'd say in most cases her parents' income should be excluded.

I've actually worked closely with many of these programs and their requirements. It was part of my job to do so. I knew the absolute smallest details about several of these programs. And I've even received a few forms of assistance myself in the past, having to go through the processes and all that.
It is actually almost always the case where the real issue is not that these forms of assistance do not exist, but that the individual does not know where to look to find them or doesn't know the proper way to fill out the paperwork. Many times the case workers don't even really know the proper ways to fill out the paperwork. It is actually kind of sad. That is why I say finding the right person really helps quite a lot.
I will say the governments also do not make these things easy for anyone either (for somewhat obvious reasons).

 

[TheRealCallie]

Profile says US. Where she is goes by HOUSEHOLD income, so if she lives with her parents and they make more than the federal poverty level, she won't qualify.
If she were to move out on her own, then she would definitely qualify, as long as she didn't make too much money.

Many go by 'household income' but many go by individual family (in which it would just be parent+child). In many cases she might actually be considered 'homeless' since she does not have a home of her own and the situation is currently temporary. In all of these cases where she is counted as homeless her parents' income will be excluded. And it is also up to each individual program to decide these things and they are all different and have different requirements. In fact I'd say in most cases her parents' income should be excluded.

I've actually worked closely with many of these programs and their requirements. It was part of my job to do so. I knew the absolute smallest details about several of these programs. And I've even received a few forms of assistance myself in the past, having to go through the processes and all that.
It is actually almost always the case where the real issue is not that these forms of assistance do not exist, but that the individual does not know where to look to find them or doesn't know the proper way to fill out the paperwork. Many times the case workers don't even really know the proper ways to fill out the paperwork. It is actually kind of sad. That is why I say finding the right person really helps quite a lot.
I will say the governments also do not make these things easy for anyone either (for somewhat obvious reasons).

No, I happen to know for a fact that welfare goes by HOUSEHOLD income where she lives.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It's kinda personal but let's just say I had a panic attack which resulted in my mom cursing me out and me having an anger outburst. My mom called police and I ended up in jail for 6 days over my birthday weekend. She says it was to help me but in all honesty, it only made my life harder than it already was.

I may have not been necessary for it to go that far, but it did, and there's clearly something your mom wants you to realize. I want to say that I hope your mom didn't just start cussing you out for no real reason, so there's obviously something else deeper there. Maybe some years from now, you'll understand what "help" she was trying to give. Maybe for you to calm down. Maybe for you to action more reasonably and rationally. I can't answer that, but I do think there was a reason. You just have to see it for yourself. We go through things for a reason, and it's to be taught about the happenings in our lives. To prepare us to be able to handle and deal with situations that we otherwise wouldn't believe we could get through. Even if it doesn't make sense now, ten years from now, perhaps you'll understand it all.

 

[Despicable Me]

No, I happen to know for a fact that welfare goes by HOUSEHOLD income where she lives.

I promise you that every program/assistance has different requirements. Like I said, I've worked with many of these programs before. I knew every detail of their requirements. Knowing those requirements was a fundamental part of my job. This was also for several federal programs whose requirements do not change by State.

There are several programs in Ohio which it may be true about taking the whole household's income, but I can guarantee there are at least still a few that will not, or at least SHOULD not, ever be looking at the parents' income. They may not be "direct assistance", but they are still forms of assistance. And there are many different ones. And the State is probably funding many of them that is out of my area of knowledge, but should still be applicable for her situation. The government KNOWS stuff like this happens all the time. That's why the programs are all set up differently like this.

Identify the residence as a "temporary situation" and, like I said, many programs will identify her family as "homeless" and with "no income".
Sometimes it is only a matter of wording the situation correctly that matters. Two families in the exact same situation and one can get denied and the other approved simply because they identified their situations differently on the forms. I've seen it happen first hand.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It can depend on whether or not you say you do your shopping and all that together. I know, especially now, I say my stuff is separate, which is it. All of my things are separate from what his mom does and pays. I keep my separate for a reason, mainly because it truly is, and I don't mingle and mix anything with them.

So perhaps, Gemmy, if you let them know that yes, you live in the same dwelling, but what you do is separate from what they take care, someone may take that into consideration.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Having grown up poor and having been poor at times in adulthood, I agree with Despicable Me that it is usually best to go in and speak directly with someone. I also agree that you should ask to speak with another agent or a manager if you are mistreated or abusively spoken to. Changes in these programs (benefit amounts, how you quality, etc.) can be frequent and unpredictable, which only reinforces the need to speak with someone directly about assistance if you need assistance. These are my recommendations from personal experience. Good luck to you. On a personal note, things can and often do get better.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Hello Gemmy

Before I begin, I want you to know that your post stood out to me because we have some similarities...I am a 23 year old mom of 3 (my youngest is 2). I am separated from a man who cheated on my numerous times, and who has recently took a really shitty road in his life. I live with my mother and younger sister. I did manage to get a full time job when I moved back here, but I do find myself feeling very unhappy from time to time.

The first thought that I screamed inside my head was that you should not have to start over with a man who wronged you, and who seems like a bit of risk to your well being. I won't tell you to stay away from him forever. But I believe you should really hold your ground and demand better treatment. What do you want in a relationship? How does what you want compare to what you have had?

My second thought is..We all make mistakes. What will get you forward, is accepting that you have made your share and that it is time for you to get away from them. You are in school. You are getting close to being done your probation. Maybe somewhere, things could have been handled differently. But don't fret on that now. Your life is not ruined. You may feel unhappy, but I don't believe humans are meant to be happy all the time. And with kids, we definitely won't be happy all the time.

I understand that finding a job is difficult. Is there any relatives or friends of your family that would let you clean house for pay? Shoveling or yard work? Do you have an unemployment office that has listings of jobs? Even if what you find seems small, use it until you can find something that will help more.

 

[Gemmy]

Sorry my reply is so late. I've been a little busy with classes lately. I appreciate all of the feedback and I have been feeling slightly better lately.

I qualify for next to no assistance because I have no income, I still live with my parents, and I have this misdemeanor looming over my head until May.

I'm not sure where you live, but the majority of places that provide welfare type assistance do so mostly for people with no income above all others. That is, in fact, mainly the point of welfare assistance programs, to provide assistance for people with minimal or no income to support themselves.
Perhaps you're not looking in the right places? I don't know. I just know there is very likely some assistance available to you that you have not yet applied for, especially since you have a 2 year old child. I would suggest looking around a bit more, if possible.

Edit - I just checked your profile and it says you live in Ohio. I know for a fact there are many different programs in the US which can help you. Have you applied for WIC, TANF, and Food Stamps? You should be able to get all of these things in your situation. Ask about them and other services you may be qualified for at your local DHS office. If the person you talk to is rude or doesn't seem to wish to help you ask to speak to someone else, possibly even their manager. I've dealt with all kinds of these people before at agencies like DHS, in several different ways, both receiving and assisting, and I will tell you that some of them truly don't want to help anyone and just do the minimal amount for the paycheck. Others can be very caring and help you a lot. You just need to find the right person to talk to.

Hello there Unfortunately, like a few others said, where I live, my parents are always included in every type of assistance I've applied for. Here, they do go by household in since I am still considered a dependent by the majority of the agencies here. I've applied for HUD housing but a lot of them are tax credit, which means they would have to go by parent's income to give me housing and since they make way more than the limit, I do not quality. Not to mention, I've been turned down by some places because on the misdemeanor that is still on my record until May. I've accepted now that I really just have to stick out these last couple months of probation before things start to get better and I'm able to do more.

Hello Gemmy

Before I begin, I want you to know that your post stood out to me because we have some similarities...I am a 23 year old mom of 3 (my youngest is 2). I am separated from a man who cheated on my numerous times, and who has recently took a really shitty road in his life. I live with my mother and younger sister. I did manage to get a full time job when I moved back here, but I do find myself feeling very unhappy from time to time.

The first thought that I screamed inside my head was that you should not have to start over with a man who wronged you, and who seems like a bit of risk to your well being. I won't tell you to stay away from him forever. But I believe you should really hold your ground and demand better treatment. What do you want in a relationship? How does what you want compare to what you have had?

My second thought is..We all make mistakes. What will get you forward, is accepting that you have made your share and that it is time for you to get away from them. You are in school. You are getting close to being done your probation. Maybe somewhere, things could have been handled differently. But don't fret on that now. Your life is not ruined. You may feel unhappy, but I don't believe humans are meant to be happy all the time. And with kids, we definitely won't be happy all the time.

I understand that finding a job is difficult. Is there any relatives or friends of your family that would let you clean house for pay? Shoveling or yard work? Do you have an unemployment office that has listings of jobs? Even if what you find seems small, use it until you can find something that will help more.

Hello Amy I feel great that you can relate to me. I used to feel kinda alone because a lot of the people I talk to don't have kids so it's hard for them to understand. I agree with you wholeheartedly and I am doing my best to become as independent as possible. I have recently started back school and will hopefully have my associate's degree by next year.

I don't have anyone that can keep my daughter as of right now but I will be using some of the grant I have leftover from school to cover childcare for awhile once I find a job. I'm pretty confident things will get better, I just have to get through these next couple months but I am finding new ways of coping.