Wanting a relationship, but also wanting to be alone?

[Annzig]

Hello ALL

So I have a long distant boyfriend, which actually suits me better, because I always feel like I need to be alone.
When he was staying round my house last time, he stayed for two weeks, and I felt so uncomfortable. I normally told him I was going to the bathroom so I could just be alone. I would go there, lock the door and sit on the floor for a while. And sadly enough it was the only good times I had when he was there - being alone.
We even ended up 'kinda' breaking up because I said I want to be alone and I doubt I'll ever get married in my whole life because of this.

But then he left, and I missed him so much. I realised I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to go back in time and be with him again.

But I know when I see him again I'll feel the same way. The loneliness thing. Because I do miss him, but some days when I'm sitting in my room or out for a walk, I just prefer it.

Even when I had a normal boyfriend who didn't have to live in my house all the time - I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't take the constant seeing him and being with someone, I just wanted to sit in my room all the time, and it wasn't fair on him either.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Thanks. x

 

[Montreal Skye]

Well, that's a sign of depression. Social isolation or wanting to be by yourself all the time, even while with others you love. I went through it for years, I really wanted someone to be there for me desperately, but then...I couldn't handle the stress of being around anyone (except my dogs really), so I had to just be alone. Because I was trying to recover from/manage the depression, I felt inferior and ashamed, so this led me to think that I was making others miserable. I felt like I was a burden and I didn't want to ask anyone for anything; and I also convinced myself that they deserved better and I'd be better off alone, even though I craved being with someone who would take care of me...all of those self-inflicted judgments caused me to isolate myself, and I lost all of my friendships. Maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you with what you're going through. In the end, if you aren't well yourself, you really can't be well with others. That's my opinion based on my own experience. Sorry you're not feeling well!

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Yes. I'm emotionally unavailable for a truly intimate romantic relationship. I prefer to keep people somewhat at a distance because I'm afraid that once people get to know the real me, they'll reject me. I tend to chose people that have this built-in distance. i.e. physical distance, addicts, codependents, much older in age, etc.
Also, with my family history I learned to associate love with pain. I know now that excitement, fear and anxiety is NOT love, and I don't need to be frightened of love.

I've had years of therapy for this. I'm getting better at it: what helps is learning how to accept myself and love myself first. The second: learning what healthy relationships are.

 

[Gutted]

I think that wanting to be alone like that is something you SHOULD fight against. It probably doesn't do you any good being alone a lot of the time. However, if it is truly what you want, not out of unhappiness, then it can't be helped. You just might be the type of person who enjoys your own company most of the time. Try and do what makes you comfortable but try and minimalize the damage it might do to your relationship at the same time. Maybe let your partner know that you enjoy your own company and that he should never take it personally as an insult to him. Maybe in time things will change. I wish you luck!

 

[Okiedokes]

My first thought is I think that everybody needs a break from someone, and it's always kinda stressful if something new has happened, aka your boyfriend staying with you for 2 whole weeks. If it was constant, that would bother me too. There needs to be a balance between getting your space and having time spent with someone. It is good that you know that you prefer your space and need to be independant, so you should search for someone who is the same way and not clingy for sure. That's when you are ready to be with anyone.

As for what someone said about depression..yes... that will do it too. I know that it makes you feel less talkative and you don't want others to see your sadness so you want to avoid them, but at the same time you really miss them. It's like a battle..you can't win. But you can if there is a healthy balance and you allow yourself to be alone when you need it.

 

[Felix]

Well, that's a sign of depression. Social isolation or wanting to be by yourself all the time, even while with others you love. I went through it for years, I really wanted someone to be there for me desperately, but then...I couldn't handle the stress of being around anyone (except my dogs really), so I had to just be alone. Because I was trying to recover from/manage the depression, I felt inferior and ashamed, so this led me to think that I was making others miserable. I felt like I was a burden and I didn't want to ask anyone for anything; and I also convinced myself that they deserved better and I'd be better off alone, even though I craved being with someone who would take care of me...all of those self-inflicted judgments caused me to isolate myself, and I lost all of my friendships. Maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you with what you're going through. In the end, if you aren't well yourself, you really can't be well with others. That's my opinion based on my own experience. Sorry you're not feeling well!

I agree, it happens to me as well specially when I'm depressed.

 

[Annzig]

Well, that's a sign of depression. Social isolation or wanting to be by yourself all the time, even while with others you love. I went through it for years, I really wanted someone to be there for me desperately, but then...I couldn't handle the stress of being around anyone (except my dogs really), so I had to just be alone. Because I was trying to recover from/manage the depression, I felt inferior and ashamed, so this led me to think that I was making others miserable. I felt like I was a burden and I didn't want to ask anyone for anything; and I also convinced myself that they deserved better and I'd be better off alone, even though I craved being with someone who would take care of me...all of those self-inflicted judgments caused me to isolate myself, and I lost all of my friendships. Maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you with what you're going through. In the end, if you aren't well yourself, you really can't be well with others. That's my opinion based on my own experience. Sorry you're not feeling well!

Aww yeah, I only want to be around my cats haha, I feel like when I'm around people I'll just come off as weird and they'll never talk to me again, so I distant myself.. And I also feel like I make everyone miserable so I pretend to be happy but then that makes me even more depressed. :/ But I hope you're okay now. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't help me very much, just said I need to go out more.. Hmf. I don't really know who can help me. :/ But thank you!

Yes. I'm emotionally unavailable for a truly intimate romantic relationship. I prefer to keep people somewhat at a distance because I'm afraid that once people get to know the real me, they'll reject me. I tend to chose people that have this built-in distance. i.e. physical distance, addicts, codependents, much older in age, etc.
Also, with my family history I learned to associate love with pain. I know now that excitement, fear and anxiety is NOT love, and I don't need to be frightened of love.

I've had years of therapy for this. I'm getting better at it: what helps is learning how to accept myself and love myself first. The second: learning what healthy relationships are.

Yes I'm the exact same! If I don't keep them at a distance I feel like they'll stop liking me or talking to me, but then they think I'm anti social and don't like them. So I have no idea what to do.. And I'm also frightened of love, I'm starting to make myself not believe it and think that there is no love. But again, it's just so I can distance myself from things...
But thanks for the reply and the tips

I think that wanting to be alone like that is something you SHOULD fight against. It probably doesn't do you any good being alone a lot of the time. However, if it is truly what you want, not out of unhappiness, then it can't be helped. You just might be the type of person who enjoys your own company most of the time. Try and do what makes you comfortable but try and minimalize the damage it might do to your relationship at the same time. Maybe let your partner know that you enjoy your own company and that he should never take it personally as an insult to him. Maybe in time things will change. I wish you luck!

I do try and fight against it, but in the end I feel like I deserve to be alone and that I'm better off. :/ But yes true.. I've become lazy and unhealthy, just being alone in my room.. I won't even spend time with my family anymore, I feel as if I annoy everyone.. But thanks for the tips and yes I will tell him that, because I keep seeming to hurt him when I don't mean it, he thinks I keep getting mad at him or something :/ I hope he can understand. And thank you!

My first thought is I think that everybody needs a break from someone, and it's always kinda stressful if something new has happened, aka your boyfriend staying with you for 2 whole weeks. If it was constant, that would bother me too. There needs to be a balance between getting your space and having time spent with someone. It is good that you know that you prefer your space and need to be independant, so you should search for someone who is the same way and not clingy for sure. That's when you are ready to be with anyone.

As for what someone said about depression..yes... that will do it too. I know that it makes you feel less talkative and you don't want others to see your sadness so you want to avoid them, but at the same time you really miss them. It's like a battle..you can't win. But you can if there is a healthy balance and you allow yourself to be alone when you need it.

Yes I agree completely.. Even he said that he probably smothered me and was too clingy when he was here, which made him push me away without knowing it. I do like spending time with him but the problem is, I like the long distance because I can be alone, but then when he's here I can't have my own life. And then if I find a relationship which I can have my own time and not long distance, I don't want that either because I can't be alone for a long amount of time. It's annoying really..
And yeah I agree completely! It's always like that.. But I'll try to be more balanced, thanks for the reply.

 

[Montreal Skye]

Aww yeah, I only want to be around my cats haha, I feel like when I'm around people I'll just come off as weird and they'll never talk to me again, so I distant myself.. And I also feel like I make everyone miserable so I pretend to be happy but then that makes me even more depressed. :/ But I hope you're okay now. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't help me very much, just said I need to go out more.. Hmf. I don't really know who can help me. :/ But thank you!

I went through that too, pretending to be okay. I put on a mask because I figured I had to spare others of my pain, the only thing that does is make you guilty and ashamed for what you're feeling. Thanks, I'm MUCH better since about a year and a half ago. I'm a completely different person...still don't care to be around others too much, but I've been letting go of my fear of intimacy and found a nice supportive man who understands me now. Therapy...I went through a dozen therapists in the first year after I was diagnosed. I ended up in therapy for 7 years, at first I didn't think any of it would help me at all. But in hindsight, I really did learn a lot of techniques for managing all the emotions and times of despair. Oh, and a therapist who says "you need to get out more" is dismissing how you feel and you should kick him/her to the curb. Doesn't sound like that person had much education or compassion to be honest.

 

[2fresh4youx]

Some therapists you click with, others you don't. They all seem to use different methods. The first one I went to wasn't that helpful. All she said, was stuff like "Just keep telling yourself that you're attractive and that you have confidence blah blah blah". It didn't help. My next therapist (My current one) used different methods and has worked for me much better.

 

[Tiina63]

It could be that he isn't the right person for you? And that you are an introvert who naturally needs more time alone than a more outgoing person does. I am an introvert and am very lonely, but at the same time I find it hard to always be with someone unless I am in love with them, then I want to be with them. I know I find it hard having friends to stay becasue of the stress of making constant smalltalk and of having no time to myself to recharge and to let the 'entertainer' mask drop and to just let go and be me. It does sound as though maybe he isn't for you?

 

[ahaikulife]

Aww yeah, I only want to be around my cats haha, I feel like when I'm around people I'll just come off as weird and they'll never talk to me again, so I distant myself.. And I also feel like I make everyone miserable so I pretend to be happy but then that makes me even more depressed. :/ But I hope you're okay now. I have spoken to a therapist but he didn't help me very much, just said I need to go out more.. Hmf. I don't really know who can help me. :/ But thank you!

try another therapist... you also have to be sure to be completely open and honest with your therapist. Not saying that you weren't being open and honest, just saying that you need to be, or they can't help you if you can't be honest about yourself. That therapist either was a horrible one, or you weren't being honest with him. Try another therapist in my opinion, because it really sounds like depression. You just want to sit in your room, away from others, even though you feel like you do want to be with others. yeah, isolation is not good. It may take a handful of therapists before you find the one that you click with. Try using psychology today to learn, first, about therapy, so that you can determine which type of therapist you would most benefit from. Their therapist finder ( or selector, or whatever they call it) can help you to determine all of these things. For example, you may benefit most from an existentialist, or maybe from somebody who uses cognitive/behaioral therapy, etc... but, most importantly, you can quickly get a little introduction to each therapist by reading their descriptions of how they look at and handle therapy. It is a really great site, and I found the best therapist that I had ever known, by far, by using it. i went through maybe 8 therapists over the course of about 12 years, until I discovered one. And that one, literally changed my life.

here is a quick guide to different types/styles of therapy

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/content/therapy_methods.html


here is the link for finding a therapist that is registered with psychtoday...

http://therapists.psychologytoday.c...edium=link&utm_campaign=topnav_find_therapist