Its been almost four years since I have been with someone. Often through time I reassured myself that the way of my life is to be alone, and for the time since the last relationship, I have been strong most of the time, able to cope with the knowledge that this is what my life is going to be like. It was not something I liked, not something I enjoyed. It made me sad actually, the depressive outlook on my future of being all alone. But still, I was strong in my faith that the decision I made to spend the rest of my life alone is the right one. No matter if I felt lonely or anything, I worked on not being seen as a potential partner. When I failed, and someone saw me like a possible one, I was able to solve that, and I made the person look another direction. Overall, I´m successful in what I´m doing, in what I decided to do.
But there are times like this, crushing times, when one can only hug a pillow knowing that what he wants is a human touch, intimacy, being with someone. I have doubts creeping in, if what I decided is a good decision. But I know how selfish that is from me, how the only thing that shakes the basis of the decision is my own happiness, and not the happiness of others. I know, or at least I believe that the decision I made is the right one. But its a tough to bear. Its tough as hell. I want to be with someone, but I know its not the right thing to do. I´m torn between what I want, and what I should as a human being. I´m divided most than ever, and I dont know what to do with it, other than just having my face buried in a pillow and hoping this urge will past.
What made me fell a little more okay before, I´m unable to do (I´m talking about hurting myself), and this feeling keeps eating me from inside.
Maybe I can wake up when only a shell will remain of myself
Walking automated shell
Yeah. That would be cool
