Sam_Wright_1988
Member
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2011
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi,
I like to- one more time -ask a couple of questions and then get on with my life. I am so very stuck!
I find myself in a strange position, as ever. I have sort of a life but a few personality flaws that are ruining my life in the present. It is as if I can't go forward and try to ruin my life intentionally. I feel like I am trapped in a cage.
I am a dreamer. The past five years I went to college, took a gap year, tried to find myself. It worked, a little. I had dreams, not goals. The dreams never became reality. The girlfriend I never met, I made a few friends but am still lonely, I wanted to live life to the full but never did. I waited, fantasized, fell secretly in love and I hid. I hid all the time.
I am a dreamer and I never finish what I set out to do. I set goals and forget about them and I am aware that today is all I have, that this moment is where it should happen. I feel as if my consciousness, of my surroundings and myself, is definitely growing but I am afraid as well. My story is broken: I am not who I tell myself I am. I am boring. I read and play video games. It's all I do. I wanted to throw parties but was afraid no one would show up. I wanted to travel the world but I never left. I wanted to finish my degree cum laude. I wanted to inspire others.
Right now I am twenty-five and I have one year left.
The few friends I have don't see the problem. There never is or was a problem. I can be very social, but I don't open up easily and that is unfortunate. I miss out on a great life. So my first question is: how do you open up and accept the circumstances you find yourself in? I have what it takes, I am certain. But I can't express it, like I threw a switch long ago. **** switch! Why... won't... it... flip??? I have always been lonely because I chose to be. The choice got the better of me, it changed me, it isolated me.
The second question, the hardest, is how I can change my routine. I am acutely aware of the fact that I think way too much and it is destroying my life, my joy and the fun I could have if I wasn't so heavy on the deep dark thoughts. I live in some sort of fantasy world, I play video games and read a lot. I spent days on end on my own, I don't want to, but it is all I know, I can't look beyond my limited life. How do you stop thinking? And how do you start living? I feel safe in my head but when I am confronted with reality, I shatter into a thousand pieces. The person other people think they know is there, yes. I am a kind person, helpful. But it's no use. I can't get out of the heavy thoughts. They ensnare me.
The last question. I know very well that all of us could have awesome lives, if only we'd take chances, go outside and would try stuff. Life isn't scary. I am not afraid, not any more. I haven't been for over a year because, what is the point? Life's too short. I'll die one day so I better do it with a little class. The question is, how do I get there? How can I ever believe- despite a lonely, depressing and 'immobile' past which is dragging me down -that life is really what you make of it? It is! It really is but if this is my life... And I still decide to read because I just don't know how to get out of my mind into the real world. How can I remind myself, change myself slowly into the guy I one day hope to be? The guy I want to be, today. Now. The guy that's there but isolated himself. I can't get him out and the longer I stay lost in thought, the less likely it is I will ever change.
I want this to stop. I want my complaining to stop. I don't want to ask questions on forums, but it's where I go when I am lonely. I know there are many places I could go as well. I could pick up the phone and call a friend, I could go out and dance, drink beers and try to hook up with a girl (haven't tried that for over five years). I could but I don't. I never do. I pretend that the possibility of having a nice life is just as good as living. It isn't. This is out of control, this is not what I want.
What's holding me back? Why not worry about real stuff, not things I imagine? Why create problems that never were? Why have panic attacks over nothing? Why not love and live instead? What the hell did I do to myself?
This way I won't get to know myself. And I have had it with the attitude, waiting, hoping for change. No. I have to change my attitude and go out there. There is nothing to fear. How did I get here? Why not enjoy life?
Everyone, please, tell me your stories! I am dying to hear them, I need some sound advice. I want adventure but I have created the exact opposite of adventure. I lose myself in thought and worry.
I am doing it now!
I like to- one more time -ask a couple of questions and then get on with my life. I am so very stuck!
I find myself in a strange position, as ever. I have sort of a life but a few personality flaws that are ruining my life in the present. It is as if I can't go forward and try to ruin my life intentionally. I feel like I am trapped in a cage.
I am a dreamer. The past five years I went to college, took a gap year, tried to find myself. It worked, a little. I had dreams, not goals. The dreams never became reality. The girlfriend I never met, I made a few friends but am still lonely, I wanted to live life to the full but never did. I waited, fantasized, fell secretly in love and I hid. I hid all the time.
I am a dreamer and I never finish what I set out to do. I set goals and forget about them and I am aware that today is all I have, that this moment is where it should happen. I feel as if my consciousness, of my surroundings and myself, is definitely growing but I am afraid as well. My story is broken: I am not who I tell myself I am. I am boring. I read and play video games. It's all I do. I wanted to throw parties but was afraid no one would show up. I wanted to travel the world but I never left. I wanted to finish my degree cum laude. I wanted to inspire others.
Right now I am twenty-five and I have one year left.
The few friends I have don't see the problem. There never is or was a problem. I can be very social, but I don't open up easily and that is unfortunate. I miss out on a great life. So my first question is: how do you open up and accept the circumstances you find yourself in? I have what it takes, I am certain. But I can't express it, like I threw a switch long ago. **** switch! Why... won't... it... flip??? I have always been lonely because I chose to be. The choice got the better of me, it changed me, it isolated me.
The second question, the hardest, is how I can change my routine. I am acutely aware of the fact that I think way too much and it is destroying my life, my joy and the fun I could have if I wasn't so heavy on the deep dark thoughts. I live in some sort of fantasy world, I play video games and read a lot. I spent days on end on my own, I don't want to, but it is all I know, I can't look beyond my limited life. How do you stop thinking? And how do you start living? I feel safe in my head but when I am confronted with reality, I shatter into a thousand pieces. The person other people think they know is there, yes. I am a kind person, helpful. But it's no use. I can't get out of the heavy thoughts. They ensnare me.
The last question. I know very well that all of us could have awesome lives, if only we'd take chances, go outside and would try stuff. Life isn't scary. I am not afraid, not any more. I haven't been for over a year because, what is the point? Life's too short. I'll die one day so I better do it with a little class. The question is, how do I get there? How can I ever believe- despite a lonely, depressing and 'immobile' past which is dragging me down -that life is really what you make of it? It is! It really is but if this is my life... And I still decide to read because I just don't know how to get out of my mind into the real world. How can I remind myself, change myself slowly into the guy I one day hope to be? The guy I want to be, today. Now. The guy that's there but isolated himself. I can't get him out and the longer I stay lost in thought, the less likely it is I will ever change.
I want this to stop. I want my complaining to stop. I don't want to ask questions on forums, but it's where I go when I am lonely. I know there are many places I could go as well. I could pick up the phone and call a friend, I could go out and dance, drink beers and try to hook up with a girl (haven't tried that for over five years). I could but I don't. I never do. I pretend that the possibility of having a nice life is just as good as living. It isn't. This is out of control, this is not what I want.
What's holding me back? Why not worry about real stuff, not things I imagine? Why create problems that never were? Why have panic attacks over nothing? Why not love and live instead? What the hell did I do to myself?
This way I won't get to know myself. And I have had it with the attitude, waiting, hoping for change. No. I have to change my attitude and go out there. There is nothing to fear. How did I get here? Why not enjoy life?
Everyone, please, tell me your stories! I am dying to hear them, I need some sound advice. I want adventure but I have created the exact opposite of adventure. I lose myself in thought and worry.
I am doing it now!