Bebeskii
Well-known member
Hello,
I am very happy to be back here. I haven't posted anything for a while
Well, where should I start. I was actually thinking about meeting a therapist but it seems like it is not that imperative to do so. But there is only a hole deep inside. But it is very beneath my ego, pride, public self so it is buried deep. Funny how the the hole is able to tear up myself from the inside as if it is making tiny holes to which cold air rushes through. I take a deep breath and give myself words of encouragement and put on a smile and step outside of my room. I carry it all around the places because I find it almost impossible that someone special would come up to me and be able to reach that place and lighten and warm it up.
More I focus, the more I feel the hollowness. So I try my best to keep myself busy. I want to give up and convince myself that my kind of love does not exist in this world. I make myself believe one day the special one would come into my world and change it all like I have just become a different whole new person. I will reach 20 next month without being in a relationship before. Never been loved. I am left with no choice to lie to people I am not a virgin and been in a relationship once or twice.
It is okay I can keep lying but the reality is too harsh. I am not desperate for someone and feeling very lonely like I want to lock up myself in a dark room. I had that type of loneliness in high school. But this one is not strong enough to interfere with my daily life but enough to make my soul heavy and I am collecting layer of dust on my heart. I try to swipe the dust off but sometimes my arms too heavy to lift up because I am lacking courage. I am an emotional human being afterall
Besides, being not straight in a conservative country like Hungary is difficult. Especially here most people do not speak English. And the city I live is the second biggest but small city with low population. I reckon I am very good-looking, bright person. But I usually get ignored by guys and no matter how hard I try, I am never good enough. Not to mention there is also some racism here. So now you know how this page augments my degree of pain and heavy heart in a considerably high dose. Going to christian church and sometimes hearing homophobic preaches. Society condemning that just single trait I share with hundred millions of others. Trying to reach out for the sake of my human needs but only distance, absence, lust, racism, different wavelength seem to welcome me from others.
Truth is all my other gay friends are already in a relationship or dating someone new. It is much more frustrating and my heart is turning bitter toward them because I know I am very handsome and good-hearted I am. The heaven knows it. I deserve...
I have some very good friends and my number one person on Earth, mom. But I am here my head held in self-defeat and shame...
I am very happy to be back here. I haven't posted anything for a while
Well, where should I start. I was actually thinking about meeting a therapist but it seems like it is not that imperative to do so. But there is only a hole deep inside. But it is very beneath my ego, pride, public self so it is buried deep. Funny how the the hole is able to tear up myself from the inside as if it is making tiny holes to which cold air rushes through. I take a deep breath and give myself words of encouragement and put on a smile and step outside of my room. I carry it all around the places because I find it almost impossible that someone special would come up to me and be able to reach that place and lighten and warm it up.
More I focus, the more I feel the hollowness. So I try my best to keep myself busy. I want to give up and convince myself that my kind of love does not exist in this world. I make myself believe one day the special one would come into my world and change it all like I have just become a different whole new person. I will reach 20 next month without being in a relationship before. Never been loved. I am left with no choice to lie to people I am not a virgin and been in a relationship once or twice.
It is okay I can keep lying but the reality is too harsh. I am not desperate for someone and feeling very lonely like I want to lock up myself in a dark room. I had that type of loneliness in high school. But this one is not strong enough to interfere with my daily life but enough to make my soul heavy and I am collecting layer of dust on my heart. I try to swipe the dust off but sometimes my arms too heavy to lift up because I am lacking courage. I am an emotional human being afterall
Besides, being not straight in a conservative country like Hungary is difficult. Especially here most people do not speak English. And the city I live is the second biggest but small city with low population. I reckon I am very good-looking, bright person. But I usually get ignored by guys and no matter how hard I try, I am never good enough. Not to mention there is also some racism here. So now you know how this page augments my degree of pain and heavy heart in a considerably high dose. Going to christian church and sometimes hearing homophobic preaches. Society condemning that just single trait I share with hundred millions of others. Trying to reach out for the sake of my human needs but only distance, absence, lust, racism, different wavelength seem to welcome me from others.
Truth is all my other gay friends are already in a relationship or dating someone new. It is much more frustrating and my heart is turning bitter toward them because I know I am very handsome and good-hearted I am. The heaven knows it. I deserve...
I have some very good friends and my number one person on Earth, mom. But I am here my head held in self-defeat and shame...
