What to do When You Know You are the Problem?

[Alone By Faults]

Help me through this please.

My problems are my own creation. I know that..I desire to change but go back to the same old patterns...

How do I break free of this self destructive pattern in relationships and with people

or

Am I just better off throwing in the towel and accepting that I should be alone....

middle aged male here who has been the cause of his problems

 

[Wayfarer]

I think you should never give up. In my opinion it's a positive if you realize what causes the problem you have. However, and I'm saying this just in case, sometimes we tend to put the blame on ourselves, even when it's not the case. Provided that you know your reasoning is correct, my advice would be of course to do something about it. Start small.. and don't give up. Don't listen to that voice that tells you that you'll fail. Cause it's lying.

If you elaborate more on your problems I'd be more than happy go get more specific and help, of course within the limits of what I can do.

Never give up.

 

[PaulSanders]

Help me through this please.

My problems are my own creation. I know that..I desire to change but go back to the same old patterns...

How do I break free of this self destructive pattern in relationships and with people

or

Am I just better off throwing in the towel and accepting that I should be alone....

middle aged male here who has been the cause of his problems

No one should be alone. You can learn new social habits, stick to them, and start getting the results you want. The old habits are always hard to break from - that's true. What you can do is change something in the environment to help ease off the transition: move, redecorate, go out to new places, meet new kinds of people, etc.

That change in the physical environment can help you feel the change and implement the new habits (of socializing better) without getting too much pressure to go to the old ones.

But you have to learn how meet people, make friends, and keep friends. The sooner the better - I've seen people starting their "social renaissance" in their late 60s.

Good luck to you!
- Paul

 

[dd11]

I think you take what you have learned and just keep on keeping on. However, be yourself. Some people are simply more outgoing or have a better knack at friendships and relationships. That doenst mean you can't have those but don't compare yourself to others either. Be the best You. Engage in life in the things that bring you fun and passion and step out of your comfort zone to find others who have similar interests.

 

[Niantiel]

I've never been too social of a person either.
In that, I mostly, usually want to be left alone.
That's not to say that I dislike speaking to people, just that it makes me anxious at first.


I too am aware that I am my own problem in many ways.
My personal solution to this was to be true to myself and to just opt to be alone most of the time as a result of it.
It's got it's positives and negatives, really.
The negative side is that it makes finding friends really difficult, and so even though I want to be rather reclusive, being too much alone is not good either.


I have indeed learned that I need to watch my tongue on certain subjects with certain people, for a lack of their ability to handle it. Hah.

 

[Alone By Faults]

Here it is ...

I am transforming into a human being that believes these two things about people.

1. Everyone lies
2. No one cares


With those forming who I am, I would just rather not go through the pain anymore. I know they are my thoughts and no good but getting sick of being played with

 

[TheRealCallie]

Here it is ...

I am transforming into a human being that believes these two things about people.

1. Everyone lies
2. No one cares


With those forming who I am, I would just rather not go through the pain anymore. I know they are my thoughts and no good but getting sick of being played with

So stop letting people play you. Stand up for yourself and don't be a doormat.

Yes, people lie and sometimes they don't care, but that's part of life. Not everyone will care and not everyone will be truthful. Remember that if you are saying "everyone," then that logically includes you, as well. BUT, if you go into it thinking that EVERYONE lies and NO ONE cares, then that is exactly what is going to happen. What you believe will shape what happens in your life. If you are negative, a lot of things will be negative. If you are positive, you will see the positive aspects of life. The choice is yours what you do, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Change what you can, accept what you can't. Move on from it and begin again.

 

[Alone By Faults]

Is it possible to sanely envision a future where one can find happiness just being alone and then trying to do it with people?

 

[PaulSanders]

Is it possible to sanely envision a future where one can find happiness just being alone and then trying to do it with people?

How about just adjusting your expectations, now that you have new beliefs? You were expecting a better world, and better people, it's normal you'd feel disappointed now that you know your expectations weren't true.

From experience, I can tell you that...

1. People care about themselves, and sometimes about others.
2. Everyone lies; but not all the time

I'd also add a third one for you...

3. So what? You can still be happy and productive in this world.

It's a shame that parents/educators give us such a rosy picture of the world, which almost guarantees major disappointments.

I hope you'll be able to pick up the pieces and move on to taking care of yourself and your social life.

Cheers!
- Paul