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MentatsGhoul

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I've almost posted this thread several times, but I keep having second thoughts. Guess I should just go for it.

So, long story short, I have feelings for someone, but I'm not sure if I should tell her, or even really do anything about it due to several complicating factors.

Full story- there's someone I've known for maybe a year and a half. We used to just catch up every few weeks or months, but recently, we've been talking nearly every day. We get along really well and have a lot in common, same weird sense of humour, agree on most things etc. Really, I could sing her praises all day, but there wouldn't be much point to it, bottom line is, normally, I wouldn't hesitate for one second to try and ask her out.

Problem is... we met online. She lives in the US. Now, there's a relatively high chance that within a year or a little more, I might be moving not too far from her (one or two states away, plus I don't need to live with my parents, so it's feasible I might end up studying/living in her state anyway), so we could meet up, however, this is not definite.

But really there are two main issues. One (as a lot of you probably know, since I've posted way too much of my personal drama on this place), I recently lost a very close friend due to a similar situation. The thing is, if I tell her and she says no, I'd be fine with it. I mean, it'll hurt, but I can let it not interfere with the friendship. I'm not sure if I could say the same for her though. She's a very shy person, probably more so than me, and isn't very open about her feelings (which also means I have no real way of predicting how she'd react). Saying this could cause her to close up to me very easily, not to mention I worry just blurting out "I love you" or even just "I sorta like you" might be too sudden for her. I don't want to lose her as a friend, I really don't. I mean, otherwise, I'd tell her just to get it off my chest regardless of whether I thought I had a chance or not, but I just don't want to go through all that again.

But, even if she says yes, I've been in a long-distance/online relationship before. I'd know what I'm getting into and all the problems that come with it. That doesn't strictly worry me, I know I can handle it. But... I'm worried about what happens if it doesn't work. It's my last year of university (I'm gonna do a masters eventually, but I probably need time to figure stuff out and work first). Now, I'm trying to get honeysuckle on track, take my writing more seriously, pursue these acting opportunities and who knows, maybe even change the course of my life to something more creative, if I'm lucky. This means I might finally get the chance to meet people, connect with them etc. If things work out with her, if we get to live relatively close after getting through the long-distance period, great. But if they don't... I will have invested too much into that relationship, and possibly missed a lot of chances in terms of dating and possibly even friendships, and it would be too late to recover, as I'd be on my way out. That will be very tough to recover from, and I'm honestly frightened.

That said, I feel like I can't just "get over her" at this point without saying anything. And, like last time, I worry I might be overthinking things too long before I make a move that I just lose my chance, and then regret it. I honestly don't know what to do, I just don't, both options seem difficult to me. Some outside perspective might help.
 
I'd tell but expect to be disappointed. Talking every day and sharing things doesn't really seem to mean much to women compared to guys. Unless you are doing things/activities together you are just gonna be a friend to her.
 
It worries me when someone says they are worried about of something doesn't work out, before they know for sure that they have something. To me, it's almost like dragging down the mood of the potential relationship before it starts. What if she did want something with you? Could you enjoy the process of getting to know her in that way, and lose a bit of the worry? I know that it's only human to be afraid of the downfall, but there are relationships in life that you can just simply enjoy...and let end if they are meant to end.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
It worries me when someone says they are worried about of something doesn't work out, before they know for sure that they have something. To me, it's almost like dragging down the mood of the potential relationship before it starts. What if she did want something with you? Could you enjoy the process of getting to know her in that way, and lose a bit of the worry? I know that it's only human to be afraid of the downfall, but there are relationships in life that you can just simply enjoy...and let end if they are meant to end.

You're right, but, as I said (maybe in not the clearest terms)... if anything happens, it WILL have wider ramifications on my life as a whole. Say we're together for 9 months now, the same length I was with my ex, and say we break up. That's the end of the second semester of my last year. It will be too late to date or make meaningful friendships then, and I'd still be left with nothing since we broke up. I'm not sure how well I could cope with that.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
What if you don't break up

Then that would be great, amazing even. But that's a pretty big "what if" unfortunately. I don't know.
 
(I am not asking the following question in a snarky way)

Based off of what you know of this woman, would she be worth investing your time in to figeow out? And what would you offer her to help make a relationship grow ?
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
(I am not asking the following question in a snarky way)

Based off of what you know of this woman, would she be worth investing your time in to figeow out? And what would you offer her to help make a relationship grow ?

Yeah, she would. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone like her. I want to tell her, and well, truth is, she's probably not going to be interested. But, I feel objectively, it doesn't sound like the best idea to bring it up, the way my life (and hers actually) are right now...
 
kamya said:
I'd tell but expect to be disappointed. Talking every day and sharing things doesn't really seem to mean much to women compared to guys. Unless you are doing things/activities together you are just gonna be a friend to her.

Why be disappointed? I would tell her and hope for the best, Mentats. Don't automatically go for the negative side. I wouldn't expect marriage the day after you move, but things worth having are worth working for.
 
kamya said:
I'd tell but expect to be disappointed. Talking every day and sharing things doesn't really seem to mean much to women compared to guys. Unless you are doing things/activities together you are just gonna be a friend to her.

VanillaCreme said:
Why be disappointed? I would tell her and hope for the best, Mentats. Don't automatically go for the negative side. I wouldn't expect marriage the day after you move, but things worth having are worth working for.

I guess when it comes to that, I really can't tell what her reply is going to be, nor can I really do anything to change it, so... it's gonna be what it's gonna be I guess, not much point in over thinking it. But... you're both right I guess. I should tell her. I'm gonna wait a few days, try to do a skype call with her, and then go for it
 
If it was me I say go for it. You may always regret not expressing your feelings, and nothing to say the friendship can't be continued with a little work if she doesn't share the same feelings.

It sounds like you enrich each others lives. Also I think it is a recipe for trouble to be comparing what happened before with the situation now, they are two different people.

Nobody knows going into these situations the outcome. Even the people who have been happy for 50 years together, that wouldn't have happened without a few nerves and taking a chance.

Also if she does have feelings, explain you have these things going on and coming up, and you could take your time and small steps.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Why be disappointed? I would tell her and hope for the best, Mentats. Don't automatically go for the negative side. I wouldn't expect marriage the day after you move, but things worth having are worth working for.

+1
 
I'd say go for it. 20 years ago, I took the chance of telling an online 'friend' that I had feelings for her and, even though she lived thousands of miles away, it ended up with us getting married. It's long since over, but I know that I would regret it now if I had never taken that chance...
 
Update: I can't do it. We couldn't find the time to skype call, and now it seems implausible for a long time since I'll be with my parents who are extremely nosy about me talking to anyone on the phone or skype or whatever. Also, it's becoming very clear to me that she doesn't feel the same way or really care about me as much as I care about her. Not that she doesn't care at all, I still think she enjoys being my friend but... that's really where it ends.

Time to move on I guess
 
I am sorry to hear that. I know it hurts when your feelings are nor recriprocated. So when you say move on, will that mean from the friendship too, or will you be able to remain friends still?
 
Serenia said:
I am sorry to hear that. I know it hurts when your feelings are nor recriprocated. So when you say move on, will that mean from the friendship too, or will you be able to remain friends still?

I will definitely remain friends with her. And who knows, if the feelings don't go away, I might just tell her to get it off my chest eventually, but for now, I'm getting it off my mind.
 

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