L
Luna
Guest
I am not suicidal nor am I sad as I write this.
I have many thoughts.
I have this longing to be able to express and share my thoughts with another human without having them draw back in fear, or for judgmental, yet pitiful eyes to look back into mine.
But people fear such thoughts, and I do too sometimes.
If there is one thing that I do think about and am certain of...it is death.
Maybe it will be tomorrow, in another 5 years, or maybe another 40 years.
It doesn't matter where or when, but how.
It may seem like a childish wish, but I want to die a hero's death.
I do not want to leave the earth as a coward, or in pain.
I have a fear that in another 40 years, I will be wilting away in a cheap, dimly-lit, bare apartment with only the television as company.
Sitting in a rocking chair, wondering where my life went.
Agonizing that I had spent so much time and accomplished so little.
Oh how fast time flies by.
Why didn't I enjoy every minute?
If there is one thing in life that cannot be bought, it is time.
I am scared of pain, and I cannot imagine...what it is like to be nearing the end of your life only to feel that...it's finally over.
What I have right now going for me, is my youth.
That feeling that "You still have a long way to go."
But I know of course, that I could go any time.
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My grandma lives next to a beautiful British couple, and the wife was sent to a nursing home 3 weeks ago at the doctor's request.
When I went to visit her, there was something different.
She has short light brown hair, and the biggest bluest eyes that you will ever see.
Even the thick glasses that she wears is not enough to hide the vividness of her eyes.
When I think of her, I think of such a polite and happy person.
But this Saturday, she was distant...her big blue eyes...so sad.
I tried my best to make her smile, but couldn't.
I just wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything will be okay.
But I know it wouldn't have helped.
Okay for what?
She and I...and everyone else know...that...
If there is anything that I am happy for, it is that she has a loving husband and wonderful sons to look over her.
She is loved by her grandchildren and her daughter-in-laws.
I hope that she is loved, anyway, because she deserves every bit of love she gets.
I feel sad for her.
Such a beautiful person.
Another visitor came over to tell that she had cried just this morning.
He also came...just to have someone to talk to...his mother is dying and will die within the next 12 hours.
In a way, he was happy for her to finally be at peace soon, as she suffered so much and there wasn't a moment where she was without pain.
I have many thoughts.
I have this longing to be able to express and share my thoughts with another human without having them draw back in fear, or for judgmental, yet pitiful eyes to look back into mine.
But people fear such thoughts, and I do too sometimes.
If there is one thing that I do think about and am certain of...it is death.
Maybe it will be tomorrow, in another 5 years, or maybe another 40 years.
It doesn't matter where or when, but how.
It may seem like a childish wish, but I want to die a hero's death.
I do not want to leave the earth as a coward, or in pain.
I have a fear that in another 40 years, I will be wilting away in a cheap, dimly-lit, bare apartment with only the television as company.
Sitting in a rocking chair, wondering where my life went.
Agonizing that I had spent so much time and accomplished so little.
Oh how fast time flies by.
Why didn't I enjoy every minute?
If there is one thing in life that cannot be bought, it is time.
I am scared of pain, and I cannot imagine...what it is like to be nearing the end of your life only to feel that...it's finally over.
What I have right now going for me, is my youth.
That feeling that "You still have a long way to go."
But I know of course, that I could go any time.
==================================================================================================================
My grandma lives next to a beautiful British couple, and the wife was sent to a nursing home 3 weeks ago at the doctor's request.
When I went to visit her, there was something different.
She has short light brown hair, and the biggest bluest eyes that you will ever see.
Even the thick glasses that she wears is not enough to hide the vividness of her eyes.
When I think of her, I think of such a polite and happy person.
But this Saturday, she was distant...her big blue eyes...so sad.
I tried my best to make her smile, but couldn't.
I just wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything will be okay.
But I know it wouldn't have helped.
Okay for what?
She and I...and everyone else know...that...
If there is anything that I am happy for, it is that she has a loving husband and wonderful sons to look over her.
She is loved by her grandchildren and her daughter-in-laws.
I hope that she is loved, anyway, because she deserves every bit of love she gets.
I feel sad for her.
Such a beautiful person.
Another visitor came over to tell that she had cried just this morning.
He also came...just to have someone to talk to...his mother is dying and will die within the next 12 hours.
In a way, he was happy for her to finally be at peace soon, as she suffered so much and there wasn't a moment where she was without pain.
