When someone tells you you're negative

[Elona]

Just want to put this question out there to hear (or in this case, read ) what you guys think:
Say you have someone in your life, with whom you feel "safe" to talk about the things that make you feel sad or down (ie someone you feel safe enough with to show your dark side to), that you could talk about it any time and that you won't be rejected or judged because of it. And then, one day, this person claims that, "you just see the negative in everything".

How would that make you feel?

 

[kamya]

This is pretty much the job description of being a therapist. :O

It should make you think about how you see things and maybe try to frame things more positively in the future. See if it helps. A LOT of things in life can be changed for the better by just thinking about them differently.

 

[Boreal]

This is pretty much the job description of being a therapist. :O

It should make you think about how you see things and maybe try to frame things more positively in the future. See if it helps. A LOT of things in life can be changed for the better by just thinking about them differently.

While hurtful, I'd be concerned that they might have a point if I trusted their judgement. I've been known to dwell on things.

Some people just don't listen and will call everything being too negative, selfish, etc, but I've also known people who just talk, talk, and talk some more about how horrible things are. I never know what to say to them except to give it a break and get away from the things that are making them so upset. People who seek out articles and videos about things that make them angry are a good example of this.

 

[Regumika]

Elona, I think it depends on what else they have said.

There are those that use the phrase "you just see the negative in everything" as a scapegoat and shove the problem back at your face. They want you to see the non negative things in life yourself. But you know, that's difficult when you're seeing the negative, which is why you went to talk to them in the first place, right?

However, IF they also give you examples of some of the positive things that you "could" be looking for, then there's actual truth to the "you just see the negative in everything" since, there ARE positive things to look for and they listed some for you.

 

[painter's radio]

I'd tell them to fresia off and die.

Really though, I wouldn't be talking to someone who would say something like that to me. I choose carefully (I don't - it comes naturally) who I tell what sort of thoughts to, and anyone I would be telling something very negative to would be someone who understands exactly what I'm talking about, so will most likely share the same opinion. If a person says to me "You just see the negative in everything" then I don't think they understand me properly, or are aware of the positives I see in other things. Heck even positives in negatives. Some people don't see enough negatives in life, or know how to deal with negativity - their own or someone else's.

 

[Veruca]

Hi Elona,

I can understand that its a very difficult thing to hear but I agree with the other members. If this person has been supportive most of the time then he or she may have a point. Its very difficult for us to see our own flaws. Its easy to get caught up in the negative stuff without realizing it.

Even if you dont think this person is reliable, you can take it as an opportunity to analyze yourself? To determine for yourself if you could do with a bit less of the negative and a bit more of the positive? After all no loss if you think you're ok and a great gain if you become aware of it so you can change right?

 

[beautiful loser]

I'm with Painter's Radio, I'll tell them go eff themselves and proceed to tell them why I'm so negative.

I can honestly say I've never been positive about something and it come to fruition. The times I thought for sure something I wanted wouldn't work out, well guess what, it did. I'm usually negative because when a plan or idea doesn't go as I wished it's nowhere near the letdown compared to being positive and the outcome really sucking. When that happens I'm just feeling really bad, as opposed to kind of expecting it to happen and not feeling so dejected...if that makes any sense.

And please, I don't want to hear it from others about "that's why negative things happen with that kind of attitude." Honestly, there were times when I tried to be positive, hell even more than positive and nothing was fulfilled. I feel I'm one of those people who barely gets by and I've learn to accept it.

Funny, this topic reminds of a situation that happened about a year ago. I ran into a old buddy of mine and we went out for lunch. He used to joke about how I always had a negative attitude and he was the opposite. Well guess what? He doesn't have that positive attitude anymore. He said some terrible person matters happened over the past few years and it made him very bitter. He's not the person he used to be. I just nodded, knowing exactly what he meant.

 

[edamame721]

Seeing the negative in "everything" is a pretty absolute statement that I don't think applies to most people.

I'd first think about whether you have done positive thinking and whether you have shared the positives of your life with this person. I don't have many friends and I used to rely too much on one person to discuss my problems with -- this can make the majority of your interaction with your friend negative. It may not be who you are, but it may feel that way to your friend.

 

[Grackle]

If being told I was negative came from a friend then I would seriously consider that maybe I was being overly negative. I know I can be, we all can. A friend should be able to say stuff like that without having a huge reaction or fight start up.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, even if you don't agree with what they say, at least they're being honest with you. I'd rather have someone be honestly harsh with me than for them to say something I want to hear and lie to me.

 

[Tiina63]

To be honest, I would find it very hurtful. OP-this is a person you have felt able to trust with your 'darker' thoughts and feelings, which probably you have kept hidden from everyone else. It must have been a relief-till now-to know that there was one person you could vent to and who would not criticise you or put you down for thinking and feeling the way you do. I can imagine how hurt and shocked you must have been when suddenly this person stops being 'safe' for you. You have my sympathy and a hug.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well, even if you don't agree with what they say, at least they're being honest with you. I'd rather have someone be honestly harsh with me than for them to say something I want to hear and lie to me.

I agree with this 100%. When I talk to people I trust, I WANT to hear the truth, even if it's horrible.

It's unlikely that this friend meant EVERYTHING. Could it be possible that the friend was just in a bad mood or preoccupied with something else, so maybe they lashed out at you without intending to? I think we have all done that at some point in our lives.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I've opened up to a few people and a few people has said this to me as well. They said I was too depressing, negative and saddening to talk too. They wanted to know about my inner self and once I opened up to them, they said those things to me..... in the end I got very hurtful and afterwards I refused to talk to them again. Trust me I can relate to how you feel; if you ever seen someone to talk too don't hesitate to send me a message.

 

[Elona]

To be honest, I would find it very hurtful. OP-this is a person you have felt able to trust with your 'darker' thoughts and feelings, which probably you have kept hidden from everyone else. It must have been a relief-till now-to know that there was one person you could vent to and who would not criticise you or put you down for thinking and feeling the way you do. I can imagine how hurt and shocked you must have been when suddenly this person stops being 'safe' for you. You have my sympathy and a hug.

This is exactly what I've been feeling. Thank you, Tiina63, and a big hug to you too.

And thanks so much for your responses, everyone. I really appreciate the different viewpoints, advice and words of encouragement/support. It helped me gain some perspective on the situation, so thank you!

 

[Tiina63]

I am so glad that my response helped you. If you ever want to 'talk,' you will find a sympathetic ear with me.