Why am I holding back?

[ThePsychologist]

So I have a girlfriend for the first time in my life, am 22 and we now have around 2 months.

Me and my girlfriend where in a discussion, about me holding back. I am holding back. In kissing her on the lips when I greet her (instead I just say "hey" without anything else), or kissing her goodbye (same thing as the greeting part).

During sex it's the same way. I'm thinking too much about her "boundaries". I'm not letting myself go fully, and she notices this. She finds this irritating.

Even though I want to do all those things, I'm not doing it, and it's causing some problems for the both of us.

Why am I doing this? I love her so much! I just wish I could show her how much I love her on a physical level aswel.

I think I'm just afraid of her rejecting me, which is stupid to think when we are in a relationship and have both accepted this.

So why am I holding back? Since she's my first girlfriend, I guess I have to get used to this, having to learn my natural impulses. I should not ignore those.

I'm gonna discuss this with her soon, maybe she can help out.

What do you guys think is happening?

 

[Sci-Fi]

You've only been dating for 2 months, is that right? How long have you two known each other?

That might be why you are holding back if this is your first girlfriend.

 

[Oranje]

It is the fear. First serious girlfriend and you don't want to lose her so you are cautious. It is not easy to relax and find your center. Relationships are hard and never come easy, two moving parts that we try to keep together. Over time you will find an ease to the coming and going part. Make the conscious effort to remember to show affection on greeting and departure. Sexually your comfort zone will be more difficult depending upon experience. As your experience grows you will discover confidence and identify what you like and dislike and may decide to experiment more.

Two months is not long, part of it is realizing that you always need to attend to the details and not take the relationship for granted. At least, that is a mistake that I have made.

 

[ThePsychologist]

Wow, already such great advice!

You are absolutely right. It is the fear of losing her. I'm overly cautious. And ironically, if I keep this up, it will drive her away.

Need to get over this bridge without forcing myself too much.

 

[Ladysphinx]

It's your first girlfriend and relationship, very scary, very, very scary. Yes getting hurt is a possibility and this can lead to a down ward spiral if you don't work on it. If she feels your holding back and it bothers her the only real way to work through it is to try and not hold back even if it feel a little unnatural. Make a point of giving her a hug and kiss when greeting her. Doing this will become normal and then comfortable after awhile.

The only way to work around or with a problem is head on. I know it's not always easy and sometime everything in you will fight it but it's sometimes the only way. Your holding back cause it's new. Love can really hurt, but if your not giving all then it can never reach the 'hights' you want it to. Women want to feel like they are goddess in your eyes if they don't feel like that it scares them. She Is probability just as scared as you are and want you to comfort her that in your eyes she's perfect.

Love is a roller coaster lots of fun but scary as hell. When things are fun go with the flow, when it's scary hold on tight.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Yeah man, this makes perfect sense.

I know this sounds mean and horrible, but behind her back you should start looking for other girls. Don't actually DO anything with them, but flirt with them. You have a girlfriend so as a result you appear more attractive to other girls right now. Take advantage of that. My trustworthiest female friend whom if I marry anyone, I hope it's her, told me this is VERY true. She literally said that one guy went from an "8 to a 9" because he had a girlfriend.

This Iranian who I do MMA with has a long-term hot girlfriend, and it's basically a free pass for him to flirt and touch other girls. He doesn't CHEAT on her, but the fact that he has a girlfriend proves to them that he's not a stalker/rapist. He's not that great looking either, (huge nose, beady eyes), but his behavior is very alpha.

Yeah dude. After a lifetime of involuntary singledom, having girls into you is almost SURREAL. I still have so much emotional baggage left over that I can't do serious relationships. Have fun with this cutie, but just remember, she could dump you and replace you in a New York minute, and I don't want you crushed and back to square one. Give her everything you have, but remember to PUT YOURSELF FIRST. If a dude doesn't put his "quest" before his "maiden", then he is failing to perform his genetic role as a male. Treat her like a lady, but PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

You should do some research on sex techniques online. Just google some stuff on how to make a woman squeal with delight in the bedroom. NOW that she is actually your GIRLFRIEND, you can do some of the sappy, romantic stuff women propose here, but DON'T DO IT TOO OFTEN, or it won't be special anymore.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Its also ur conditioning or blue print..
probably grew up around poeple that had sexual hang ups and didnt show alot of body ccontact. not enough on romace.

Turn up the heat dude..or ur going to lose her...hold her in public..kiss her in public..make out with her while ur shopping....put ur hands betwen her legs while ur having dinner..when the waitress isnt looking....

Gatta givve the gal...the Wow effect
like shes totally hawt N sexy and u cant get enough of her. She totally turns you on.

The way ur doing it...its making her feel like shes not sexy or woman enough...

---

A common reply I get from all my Exs..even the one thats still angery @ me or hate me...They all say Im very passionate, romantic and a good lover.. Thats what most of the women remembers me by. Some r still in love with me.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I was the same way the first and only female I have been with. Generally in experience will mess with you. Look at it kind of like working out. In the beginning you have to force yourself to do it. However, after a bit of time, it will feel weird not doing it.

 

[Brian]

You would do better to simply change those things than to try and talk to her about it, I think. It would be a huge surprise.

I had this problem too. You have to just...do it. Unless you're dating royalty or a militant feminist, she usually doesn't want to be treated like an antique vase. You have to make it fun and exciting for her.

When I see my girlfriend, I ask her how she is and then I kiss her. When I see her off or go to leave, I grab her up in my arms and kiss her for several minutes. I give her full-on backrubs and scalp massages (it sounds weird but try it some time) constantly, just out of the blue. Sometimes I don't answer her straight when she asks where we're going or what we're doing and she loves the surprise and the spontaneity. The other day I met up with her at Safeway and when she got there I had a Starbucks coffee waiting for her without even asking...she thought that was just wonderful.


Sexually I've started branching out a little with her. I won't go in to details, it's nothing too exotic yet. But test the waters. Try different positions.

Here's a safe one. Next time you guys are together and get sexual, blindfold her out of nowhere. Just do it. Then, have a feather ready and tease her with it; observe her response. Be ready to get heavier if she doesn't respond, but leave the blindfold on and do things to keep her guessing. When you take it off, kiss her full-on and increase your intensity.

When she's about to climax, grab her hands and hold them above her head. Look her in the eyes and tell her not to blink or look away until she's finished. I did this once and it was pretty intense for her.


If she doesn't like it, she'll tell you, and then you know her limits. She trusts you enough to be with you. This isn't a business contract.


Has she expressed dislike for Public Displays of Affection? Stick your hand in her back pocket when you're out and about. Give it a squeeze and a sly smile.

 

[Badjedidude]

Never be afraid to turn an innocent moment into a dirty one.

When she's busy doing something with her back to you (washing dishes, etc)... Nibble on her neck a bit, rub her nice little bottom, and make it SEXY TIME. You don't even have to actually have sex. Just show that you're a pervert man and you want her.

Oh, she might smack you lightly or tell you to stop because she's "busy" with that curious little grin at the corner of her mouth... but that just means she likes what you're doing.

Basically, just show that you want to touch her. Often.

 

[PoetryFlows4rmMe]

Yeah man, this makes perfect sense.

I know this sounds mean and horrible, but behind her back you should start looking for other girls. Don't actually DO anything with them, but flirt with them. You have a girlfriend so as a result you appear more attractive to other girls right now. Take advantage of that. My trustworthiest female friend whom if I marry anyone, I hope it's her, told me this is VERY true. She literally said that one guy went from an "8 to a 9" because he had a girlfriend.

This Iranian who I do MMA with has a long-term hot girlfriend, and it's basically a free pass for him to flirt and touch other girls. He doesn't CHEAT on her, but the fact that he has a girlfriend proves to them that he's not a stalker/rapist. He's not that great looking either, (huge nose, beady eyes), but his behavior is very alpha.

Yeah dude. After a lifetime of involuntary singledom, having girls into you is almost SURREAL. I still have so much emotional baggage left over that I can't do serious relationships. Have fun with this cutie, but just remember, she could dump you and replace you in a New York minute, and I don't want you crushed and back to square one. Give her everything you have, but remember to PUT YOURSELF FIRST. If a dude doesn't put his "quest" before his "maiden", then he is failing to perform his genetic role as a male. Treat her like a lady, but PUT YOURSELF FIRST.

You should do some research on sex techniques online. Just google some stuff on how to make a woman squeal with delight in the bedroom. NOW that she is actually your GIRLFRIEND, you can do some of the sappy, romantic stuff women propose here, but DON'T DO IT TOO OFTEN, or it won't be special anymore.

I just wanted to say some of your points I agree with totally but others seems like self defeating behavior. For instance the looking at and "touchin" of other girls will only result in....

A) Your Girlfriend developing a complex about you and the fact that your not into her as much as you once were, or possibly that you have/ want to cheat on her.

B) The devaluation of your relationship as you'll come to see her and the bond between you both as a "game" and a pursuit not what it really is.

C) Drive you even further from the purpose of what your asking advice about, intimacy. You can't do flirty intimate things with other people then turn around and give your girlfriend the same B.S. that's just closing off the door to real emotions and sensitivity, what you really want.

However, you should put yourself first, because you need to develop more security within yourself.