Why am I so numb to this?

[Doubt The Rabbit]

Yeah so this info dump might sound a little OOC for me, but anyway, if you've read a couple of my other posts you probably know that my sister is in the hospital right now and has been for the past five days. She has a very rare disease, so rare that her strain is the only one found in medical history. So obviously no one knows what to do with her.

Going to the hospital with her is not a new thing for us. In fact, this year alone we have been in the hospital once every month (and twice last month) for a new symptom a new worry. Now she's not eating, so we had to go back in on Thursday.

Today I got a text from my mother telling me that her heart rate is dropping. She's been transfered to the ICU and she won't walke up. These days I feel like there's a very large chance she could die.

I feel like a huge dick. Not only am I kind of numb to this news (I'm upset but it's a dull kind of pain), but I have the nerve to also be upset about things like school or my social life throughout these past five years of her being sick.

I go to the hospital every day. I see her. I take care of her. I'm basically her second parent, considering our father isn't really interested in doing it. Every day I see how she's constantly getting worse and in more and more pain. I know I can't help her situation, but does that really give me the right to be disconnected and self-centered?

 

[Nina]

You're NOT being self-centered. YOUR life is moving on and it requires your attention. I think with long illnesses, especially if you're facing a potential death, it is the minds way of beginning the grief process and that's what you may be experiencing as that, "disconnect".

My heart goes out to you, that you and your family are experiencing this, but you have to remember that you are doing everything you can. You're not suffering the illness and the dramatics that some folks go through simply isn't your way of coping.

I do hope that your sis can recover and return to health, but I hope that you stop thinking you're not doing all that you can. *hugs*

 

[IVIZ]

Your not a dick or an ******* or anything else.

I've gone through similar experiences. Trust me, you do care, you do feel, there is a lot of uncovered emotion for your situation. Its hard to express this moment. That you may feel unattached, but truly your shutting off your desires to react to any unchangable or powerless feelings to do something about it. Its a hard thing to talk about or to put in words. But you seem like your doing your best, even more than what others are doing. One day you will learn to express you hidden emotions better.

: ) (((hug))) proud of you

 

[lomojojo]

Maybe you are not disconnected at all, and it's your own way to deal with your sister's disease. When my mother was in the hospital dealing with pancreatic cancer I kind of did the same thing you did. I knew I was doing everything I could and I didn't feel the need of crying or suffering after she passed away. I felt she finally rested after all that suffering, and I felt at peace. I still miss her because I loved her very much but I know she will always be in my heart.
I wish the best for you and your family.

 

[Danielle]

You are not being a dick or selfish or anything like that. Maybe this is one way of dealing with her illness.... also, you still have your life to live, and there is nothing wrong with doing that.

It is very clear that you care for and love your sister, and don't want to see her in pain, but you also need to focus on yourself. You are important too.

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

Thanks, guys. :shy:
I guess my life really is going to move on regardless of my sister's condition and I'll still have to move on with it. My mother told me a story about a friend of the family whose daughter died. His life pretty much stopped after that. To cope with it, he started drinking and doing drugs and treating women like honeysuckle. Then he got busted for selling drugs.
I guess I just am moving along like I should. Now that I think about it, I was never wracked with dramatics during any type of crisis. Guess that's just how I deal with things. Sometimes I just feel insecure and think everyone's trying much harder than me.

 

[Danielle]

you are trying, you are there for her, but you are also there for yourself. Make sure to keep on doing that.... you don't want to crack under that kind of pressure....

Your sister knows you love her, but love yourself too.. I am sure it will make her happy to know that you are getting along....

 

[Badjedidude]

I felt that way when my dad went to the hospital for respiratory failure. I hate to admit it, but at the time it just seemed like a big inconvenience for ME, having to visit him there and put up with his new life regimen and everything.

Looking back now, I think that's just how I work sometimes... that detachedness from the situation allowed me to continue operating instead of being swallowed alive by the hugeness of what was happening in my/his/our life.

*shrug*

 

[Doubt The Rabbit]

I felt that way when my dad went to the hospital for respiratory failure. I hate to admit it, but at the time it just seemed like a big inconvenience for ME, having to visit him there and put up with his new life regimen and everything.

Looking back now, I think that's just how I work sometimes... that detachedness from the situation allowed me to continue operating instead of being swallowed alive by the hugeness of what was happening in my/his/our life.

*shrug*

Wow. Sorry about your dad, Steve.

I felt the same way about my sister sometimes. I would have to miss important dates or change my schedule around to fit hers and my family's or remember yet another medication schedule and it all just seemed like a big inconvenience to me. But as depression set in, none of that other stuff felt important anymore so I didn't mind it so much. I felt proud of myself for a while, being able to devote my entire life to her, because that's what my family wants (so they don't have to do it).

I was the only one who didn't see the throwing away of my life as a bad thing. Now that I see it, getting my life back just seems like too much stress. Sometimes I feel like I should just continue to devote my life to her, since that's what I seem to be good at. It's the only thing that gets me good attention

For me it's just easier to either be completely involved in her situation or not involved at all. Trying to care for and about her while trying to do right for myself just seems like a big hassle.