WHY DO WE CHOOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS

[lomojojo]

I'd like your opinions. I know that feeling good is best for our physical and mental health, relationships, etc; however I choose instead to feel down and sorry for myself. I guess sometimes knowing or being aware of what is best is not enough. I have read many books on self help, I've been to private therapy in fact I'm going to group and private sessions focused on parenting (for my daughter) now and sometimes I feel worse, I compare myself to others who I perceive as better than me and feel down. Any ideas on how do I change my mindset? What is missing? Would it be that deep inside I believe that I don't deserve any better? If that's the case, how can I find out what triggered that feeling? Do we learn this from our parents or is it stuff that was said or done to us when we were little kids? So people who grew up in a positive environment are ahead in the game of life?

 

[StarStrider]

Generally speaking, I think negativity creeps up when people feel deprived of choices and consequently, resign themselves to the likelihood that things will never change for the better. Perhaps the first step can be as simple as making up your mind that you won't allow this to happen to you.

Sorry it's not much but I'm sure others will be along to offer more comprehensive replies.

 

[ButterflyGirl]

I know for me, my negative mindset is the result of being a sensitive person treated incomprehensibly cruelly by peers for a solid decade combined with universal expectations of excellence that I can barely keep up with. Because I am sensitive, negative comments hurt more than they otherwise might, and the cruelty ultimately made me feel subhuman. Even when I did VERY well, I was mocked if it wasn't perfect. 98s in school were sources of extreme shame for me, while 100s were merely "expected." I was trained to feel badly about myself and I internalized their standards to try to beat them at the game and "earn" acceptance and approval. My inability to be the perfect person expected of me also weighs heavily on me, since I really aim to please, and my ADHD-related academic and life struggles make it worse.

So, I kind of know where my issues come from, but generally I think it's an internalization of the external message of not being "good enough." We (in America) live in a culture that praises the rich, famous, talented, super-intelligent, godly-beautiful, etc. It's hard to feel like normal people measure up. Do you have any particular memories that might explain why you compare yourself to others, or why you might not feel you deserve more?

Oh, and just to throw this out there: There is no such thing as a perfect mother, only a good one. Just because someone does something differently than you do, it doesn't make them a better mother. If you care for your daughter's needs, show her you love her, and don't do things to harm her in any way, you're a good mother.

 

[Samuel]

It is easy to be pessimistic, poor me, I'm such a looser no one wants me, I'm hopeless and useless in this world, nothing can be changed, I can't change my life, I'm stuck with how I am now.... and so on.

Just need to train yourself to be optimistic. Look at beauty in life and look at all the good and aim for good.

So I think it mainly? comes down to making yourself think your worthless and looking at all the negatives that you produce (kinda like my brother at the moment)

 

[lomojojo]

It's o.k .I've been thinking about what I posted and what I mention about knowing is not enough it really is not enough!. What I have got from all those books and therapy are concepts, ideas and suggestions. I mean one thing is to grasp a concept and another is to experience it. So I will not change my mindset until I decide to do so. I appreciate your feedback. I wish well to all of you.

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Generally speaking, I think negativity creeps up when people feel deprived of choices and consequently, resign themselves to the likelihood that things will never change for the better. Perhaps the first step can be as simple as making up your mind that you won't allow this to happen to you.

Sorry it's not much but I'm sure others will be along to offer more comprehensive replies.

I wonder why you apologize. I appreciate your reply and I couldn't agree more!! Happy days

 

[StarStrider]

It's o.k .I've been thinking about what I posted and what I mention about knowing is not enough it really is not enough!. What I have got from all those books and therapy are concepts, ideas and suggestions. I mean one thing is to grasp a concept and another is to experience it. So I will not change my mindset until I decide to do so. I appreciate your feedback. I wish well to all of you.

---

Generally speaking, I think negativity creeps up when people feel deprived of choices and consequently, resign themselves to the likelihood that things will never change for the better. Perhaps the first step can be as simple as making up your mind that you won't allow this to happen to you.

Sorry it's not much but I'm sure others will be along to offer more comprehensive replies.

I wonder why you apologize. I appreciate your reply and I couldn't agree more!! Happy days

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I'm glad my reply was well recieved.

The reason I said sorry was because there's always a slight risk of frustrating someone (when they are searching for answers to profound questions) by responding with little substance.

 

[Undone]

I don't necessarily choose to be negative or down on myself... it's kinda just how it goes.

 

[AndrewM]

I don't necessarily choose to be negative or down on myself... it's kinda just how it goes.

I agree. I think the issue of choice is not about whether we choose to feel sad or lonely, but rather what we do about it. Do we simply react to these feelings by e.g. drinking, taking drugs, sleeping around, and so on? Or do we make a constructive choice to change our circumstances?

 

[Samuel]

Exactly, It's not what happens to you, but what you do with it and how you look at it. Some people don't see it and need a helping hand.

I am very happy every time the screw hole lines up for the screw when I am putting an appliance back together at work. Most of the time it works out well, other times takes longer than usual, just take it lightly and move on. Appreciate that most of the time it works well.

As I always say after a successful repair I say "Next..." meaning job well done, hit me again!

 

[*heretostay*]

I'd like your opinions. I know that feeling good is best for our physical and mental health, relationships, etc; however I choose instead to feel down and sorry for myself. I guess sometimes knowing or being aware of what is best is not enough. I have read many books on self help, I've been to private therapy in fact I'm going to group and private sessions focused on parenting (for my daughter) now and sometimes I feel worse, I compare myself to others who I perceive as better than me and feel down. Any ideas on how do I change my mindset? What is missing? Would it be that deep inside I believe that I don't deserve any better? If that's the case, how can I find out what triggered that feeling? Do we learn this from our parents or is it stuff that was said or done to us when we were little kids? So people who grew up in a positive environment are ahead in the game of life?

Ive thought about this a lot, too. The only conclusion i have come to is that you have to have an idea of where you want to end up- even if you never get there or getting there is impossible for you- because there is no such thing as static emotion. you are either progressing further into despair or into peacefulness. there's no coasting in the middle. So I have in mind where I want to be.

And then i try to let it go. i try to focus only on what I absolutely know for sure is in my control. Is happiness my choice, is it not? who knows. but there are some things i know for sure are in my control- which will be different for everyone. reading david burns book Feeling Good was really helpful. He helped me break life down into the little things i could control and accomplish. everything else is just noise. i am terrible at comparing myself to others, though. that's something i have been working on for years.

 

[Gindu]

one word. FEAR

why do we choose positive emotions?

LOVE

the continuum and paradox for the soul

 

[lomojojo]

one word. FEAR

why do we choose positive emotions?

LOVE

the continuum and paradox for the soul

FEAR??? of what. Feeling good? sorry but I don't agree with you

 

[Undone]

one word. FEAR

why do we choose positive emotions?

LOVE

the continuum and paradox for the soul

FEAR??? of what. Feeling good? sorry but I don't agree with you

fear of unforseen repercussions to one's actions, aka Agoraphobia. It's essentially the fear of making an ass out of yourself or seeing someone make an ass out of themselves which usually results in a horrible sense of embarrassment and wanting to hide in a hole forever.

Yep, that's what agoraphobia actually is, not that whole fear of open spaces or whatever.

 

[lomojojo]

fear of unforseen repercussions to one's actions, aka Agoraphobia. It's essentially the fear of making an ass out of yourself or seeing someone make an ass out of themselves which usually results in a horrible sense of embarrassment and wanting to hide in a hole forever.

Yep, that's what agoraphobia actually is, not that whole fear of open spaces or whatever.
[/quote]

So... the whole deal is about not having confidence or lacking self (steem) i don't know if i spelled it correctly. Because if embarrassment is involved then you value others opinions more than you own.

 

[coricopat]

I think depression and anxiety are evolutionary throwbacks...helpful at one time but now tend to cause harm.
Yes, I just compared depression to having wisdom teeth.

 

[lomojojo]

I am thinking that it sometimes is beyond my choice or will power and there is something physiological about it. But that puts me deeper into the hole 'cause then I feel powerless and I don't believe in medication.

 

[coricopat]

Even if you don't believe in medication, you can try therapy. I'm kind of in a nasty catch-22 situation. Because of my illness, I often get depressed. However, anti-depressants aggravate my illness so I can't take anything for the depression. I am making some improvement though through therapy. Right now it's all self-help therapy since this one horse town doesn't have a psychologist, but it's better than nothing.

 

[lomojojo]

What type of illness do you suffer from may I ask?
I tried therapy many years ago. and it helped me see some things from a different perspective. I do believe in therapy and I'd love to go back however, it is not financially possible at this time. Thank you for your reply. I hope you get better *hug*,