Would you date a man who had a child?

[angel_in_view]

- I did a search 4 this, but couldn't find a thread. I just wanted honest opinions on this topic bc a friend & I have been talking about this 4 a couple of wks. Is there anyone on here who is dating or has dated a man w/at least 1 child? If so, was it a good/bad experience?

I just feel so sorry 4 my friend. She is a really good person but has never had a serious relationship. For the longest, she had "dating rules" & the main 1 was "NO KIDS." Well, after yrs of not finding anyone decent 2 date, she let go of that rule & said she'd date a guy w/kids BUT he had to have custody of them bc if it ended up working out, she didn't want 2 see child support going out bc a lot of times, the mom uses it for her own luxuries. Well, she's seeing a guy who has a 13 yr. old. He has custody of her. My friend told me the other day she didn't think to factor in the issue of being in second place instead of first. The guy's child is 1st place(as she should be) & my friend is having real issues w/that. She said she's not used to a guy having to "find a sitter" or not being able to just plan an impromptu dinner date like she can. She has no kids and can come and go as she pleases. I've tried to explain to her that its different bc not only does he have a child, she's LIVING with him. My friend is very frustrated & is ready to drop him. She's ready to just go back to the NO KID whatsoever rule bc she said she simply can't compete w/the kid.

 

[Gutted]

I personally wouldn't get with anyone who has kids. Not at my age anyway (21) I'm not fussy though.

 

[EveWasFramed]

- I did a search 4 this, but couldn't find a thread. I just wanted honest opinions on this topic bc a friend & I have been talking about this 4 a couple of wks. Is there anyone on here who is dating or has dated a man w/at least 1 child? If so, was it a good/bad experience?

I just feel so sorry 4 my friend. She is a really good person but has never had a serious relationship. For the longest, she had "dating rules" & the main 1 was "NO KIDS." Well, after yrs of not finding anyone decent 2 date, she let go of that rule & said she'd date a guy w/kids BUT he had to have custody of them bc if it ended up working out, she didn't want 2 see child support going out bc a lot of times, the mom uses it for her own luxuries. Well, she's seeing a guy who has a 13 yr. old. He has custody of her. My friend told me the other day she didn't think to factor in the issue of being in second place instead of first. The guy's child is 1st place(as she should be) & my friend is having real issues w/that. She said she's not used to a guy having to "find a sitter" or not being able to just plan an impromptu dinner date like she can. She has no kids and can come and go as she pleases. I've tried to explain to her that its different bc not only does he have a child, she's LIVING with him. My friend is very frustrated & is ready to drop him. She's ready to just go back to the NO KID whatsoever rule bc she said she simply can't compete w/the kid.

I was married to a man who had kids. Your friend just needs to move on because that's a situation that won't change.
Also, I have to wonder why she would care if a guy is paying child support. It's HIS money, going toward supporting his child. That's +1 for his character in my opinion.
Single parents, be they male or female, have one of the hardest jobs in the world. If you're going to date one, you have to accept their situation.

 

[Sterling]

Personally, I wouldn't date a man with a child. Mostly for the reason that I don't particularly like them, as well as I wouldn't want to deal with 'finding a sitter' and all of that. She should just dump him.

 

[Parabolani]

As long as it was his child and not one he found at the park or something.

No wait, I don't date dudes outside of prison.

 

[nerdygirl]

It doesn't sound like this sort of relationship is right for your friend. If she's unhappy, she should probably terminate the relationship, as the child is not going anywhere.

I have to say that I totally understand not being with a guy who is paying child support. After all, if they get married, the courts would look at both incomes. Personally, I'd feel resentful if I had to pay for a child my partner conceived in a previous relationship.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Ahh its reassuring to see that women can be just as selfish as men are perceived to be when it comes to taking on the children of others, money money money, makes the world go round doesn't it.

Personally as a single parent of two I see my kids as a very useful honeysuckle filter, protecting me from the sort of women who are incapable of unconditional love for me or accepting my life. To think my childen would stop me having a chance with someone who wouldn’t want to see some of my money going to someone else to support my child instead of all heading in her direction... unbearable.

This bloke, yes I think she should dump him for his own sake. He probably is already worried about how his 13 year old girl must feel about this women coming into her dad's life that is trying to vie for for her dad's affections. Or maybe not, maybe she is, at 13 already unselfish enough to want to see her dad happy. To think he has to arrange a baby sitter sometimes, I mean I don't know how she is expected to cope!

I see the fact that he wants to support his daughter and hasn't jumped ship (as is a common perception of men) a good thing; it suggests a level of responsibility and devotion most women look for in a man... but obviously not.

Find a man without kids then, a safer bet, then get knocked up, then get left and then see how you feel about being a single parent. Perhaps even be bitter about the fact he doesn't pay you child support as he spends it all on his new partner. Remember not to complain though when that happens, fairs fair.

Don't worry ladies I don't pay child support I have shared care of my kids and an amicable arrangement. Although yes occasionally you would have to suffer their presence and maybe accept that you have to share me but don't worry I'm not looking for a surrogate mother and you are free to come and go as you please. For the record I'm not bitter I have a wonderful girlfriend who accepts my little 'complexities'. Like I said, kids can be a useful honeysuckle filter and I hope for the dad and the kid's sake she does leave him so he can find someone less shallow.

******* hell I hate this forum sometimes, some people are so self centred. You reap what you sow.

 

[shesafrozenfire]

Your friend sounds a bit immature and afflicted with an outrageous sense of entitlement. Maybe when she grows up a little, she will come to understand the realities of adult responsibilities. Frankly, it speaks volumes about the character of a man who takes care of his children, especially one who is so involved in their lives that he has partial or full custody of them.

Wow, what a drag, finding a sitter! Gosh, how ******* terrible that a couple can't simply get up and go out and do something spontaneous! Welcome to adult responsibilities. She is obviously not cut out to be involved in a life where there is a child involved.

she didn't want 2 see child support going out bc a lot of times, the mom uses it for her own luxuries

I found this especially nauseating. Perhaps she ought to consider that the support arrangements were set up for a very good reason. I ******* hate the perception that ex-wives are living the high life on child support and alimony, paying for pool boy orgies and daily massages. Um, unless the ex-husband involved is a ******* baseball player or rock star, trust me, sweetheart, that's not the case. It makes me want to punch a ***** right in the ovaries.

I love how some new woman thinks that it's wrong for "her man" to support the old hag, when I know good and goddamn well that if she's that concerned about where his money goes, if they were to get married and then divorced, she'd have her hand out readily enough for her piece.

Tell your friend to stick with men without kids.

Ahh its reassuring to see that women can be just as selfish as men are perceived to be when it comes to taking on the children of others, money money money, makes the world go round doesn't it.

Personally as a single parent of two I see my kids as a very useful honeysuckle filter, protecting me from the sort of women who are incapable of unconditional love for me or accepting my life. To think my childen would stop me having a chance with someone who wouldn’t want to see some of my money going to someone else to support my child instead of all heading in her direction... unbearable.

This bloke, yes I think she should dump him for his own sake. He probably is already worried about how his 13 year old girl must feel about this women coming into her dad's life that is trying to vie for for her dad's affections. Or maybe not, maybe she is, at 13 already unselfish enough to want to see her dad happy. To think he has to arrange a baby sitter sometimes, I mean I don't know how she is expected to cope!

I see the fact that he wants to support his daughter and hasn't jumped ship (as is a common perception of men) a good thing; it suggests a level of responsibility and devotion most women look for in a man... but obviously not.

Find a man without kids then, a safer bet, then get knocked up, then get left and then see how you feel about being a single parent. Perhaps even be bitter about the fact he doesn't pay you child support as he spends it all on his new partner. Remember not to complain though when that happens, fairs fair.

I agree.

 

[Callie]

I think the answer to this question would be that it depends on the person, it's not the same for anyone. It's a matter of preference.
That said, I agree with both The Good Citizen and shesafrozenfire. But, on the other side of things, we all have kids of our own, so we will naturally see it differently

 

[The Good Citizen]

I think the answer to this question would be that it depends on the person, it's not the same for anyone. It's a matter of preference.
That said, I agree with both The Good Citizen and shesafrozenfire. But, on the other side of things, we all have kids of our own, so we will naturally see it differently

I think I was just in need of the morning nicotine...

 

[Tiina63]

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. It is an individual choice. Many people would not be put off by children, while others would be. I once dated a man with two adult children and the experience was so awful that I wouldn't go out with anyone with children again. But others will have happy experiences and so will not let it be an obstacle. It sounds as if your friend would be happier with a man without children.

 

[angel_in_view]

Wow! Thanks, everyone for your responses. I happen to agree w/most of u on here. I've told her that she just needs to sit back & think of how things have gone up to this point. Then, she needs to come to a decision..either she doesn't want a man w/kids or she does. Point blank. But don't just keep holding on and holding on when the kid cleary isn't going anywhere. The girl lives w/him and has no desire to live w/the mom bc they do not get along at all.

I knew the child support comment would blow some of y'all up! It shocked me when she said it to me years ago. Nerdygirl said exactly what my friend has said. She doesn't want to be married to someone and then see her hard earned $ go to a child that isn't hers. I even asked if she was willing to date someone that had grown children and she shot that down as well. She said no, bc adult children mean the problems and issues are even more serious(having to come back home bc they've lost their house, their job, etc). I told her that she may be really missing out bc not ALL grown children have issues like that.

As I stated in my initial post, I just feel for her. She's in her mid 30's and is just trying to find "the one." There's nothing wrong w/dating a man who has children..if that's what you want to do, but if you know in your heart and soul that you just don't want to fool w/that and all the things that come w/it, just move on. I think to continue to stay in a relationship when your heart isn't in it is just a time waster for you and the other person.

 

[nerdygirl]

I knew the child support comment would blow some of y'all up! It shocked me when she said it to me years ago. Nerdygirl said exactly what my friend has said. She doesn't want to be married to someone and then see her hard earned $ go to a child that isn't hers.

Why is that shocking, exactly? Who wants to be in that position?

As for anybody who thinks this sounds selfish, you're not being very practical. Is money all that matters? Of course not. Is it important? Of course it is! My step brothers have both been in jail because they lost their jobs and couldn't afford child support. Do you know what happens if you're married to a guy in that situation? You pay the whole child support bill. Heaven help you if you happen to be a mother, yourself. I've had family members who lived on ramen noodles and didn't turn on the heat when it was snowing, because they had to make sure their husbands' kids got way more child support than they really needed to live per month. This isn't just about, "Gee, I really like being able to blow money." Some of the time, it's more like, "Dang, I like not being homeless."

Honestly, the most selfish course of action would be to have a relationship with a parent if you know that you're just not cut out to be a parent yourself. Whether your reasons are finances, quality time, or just, "I don't like kids". This isn't nitpicking. It isn't like rejecting a man for being bald or overweight. A child is a huge deal, changing every day life events. If you know that it isn't right for you, don't be with somebody just because *gasp* you don't want to be single, or because you don't want to seem shallow. Ultimately, you hurt yourself, that person, and the child(ren).

 

[Trent]

this thread pisses me off.

i would date a woman with ten kids if i loved her.

it's a package deal.

kids date.

adults make families.

and families come in all shapes and sizes.

besides i love kids.

---

that being said, i understand not marrying (right away) so that you don't have to pay child support for someone else's absentee children.

 

[angel_in_view]

Why is that shocking, exactly? Who wants to be in that position?

Nerdygirl - What I meant by that was you hit it RIGHT ON THE HEAD w/your comment(you sounded just like my gf). To be clear, it was shocking when she first said it to me yrs ago bc it just came out of nowhere. That's just a conversation that we hadn't had up until that particular point & she just blurted it out. That's when I first found out that was one of her "rules." Don't get me wrong...to each his own. That's why I said, she's gonna have to decide for herself...either she's willing to be w/a man who has kids or move on.

She has been talking to a couple of women @ work who are in that same situation and I told her actually I think that's a good thing. Why? Well, bc I can only give her my opinion...I have no experience. I have never seriously dated or been married to a man who had kids...nor do I have any of my own.

TRENT - If I truly loved someone, I would naturally want to love the kids also bc they would be an extension of him. I think that could possibly be a wonderful situation. However, I will admit that I would probably be a little nervous about the NCP(mom). I just wouldn't want to constantly put up w/a bunch of drama. I know every situation doesn't have issues, but of course, you seem to hear about the worst scenarios more. We have a friend who married a woman with 4 children by another guy. At first, the ex was fine w/his kids being around our friend. However, as soon as they got engaged, he tried to stir up trouble. Our friend didn't back down though and eventually dude went on his way and hasn't bothered them since.

 

[Trent]

every situation in life is different.

this sort of theoretical discussion is honestly quite absurb because we are talking about the realm of human emotion and the scope of all of humankind.

you could find millions of men who have kids and are awesome with drama-free lives and independently wealthy.

convesely, you could just as many single men who would tie you up in a bunker, feed you dogfood, and make you a sex slave for 30 years.

it's a messed up world out there.

best not to limit ourselves (and our love lives) to academic discussions when there are far, far too many variables in what constitutes a functional relationship to ever consider EACH and EVERY one before taking the plunge.

you just can't plan life that way.

also, the chances of finding TRUE CHEMISTRY are quite rare and to start cutting large swaths of people away as possible candidates is rather unwise.

be open. live life. meet people. when you find the right person, it won't matter whether or not he has kids, has a house, or has six toes.

 

[Chris516]

- I did a search 4 this, but couldn't find a thread. I just wanted honest opinions on this topic bc a friend & I have been talking about this 4 a couple of wks. Is there anyone on here who is dating or has dated a man w/at least 1 child? If so, was it a good/bad experience?

I just feel so sorry 4 my friend. She is a really good person but has never had a serious relationship. For the longest, she had "dating rules" & the main 1 was "NO KIDS." Well, after yrs of not finding anyone decent 2 date, she let go of that rule & said she'd date a guy w/kids BUT he had to have custody of them bc if it ended up working out, she didn't want 2 see child support going out bc a lot of times, the mom uses it for her own luxuries. Well, she's seeing a guy who has a 13 yr. old. He has custody of her. My friend told me the other day she didn't think to factor in the issue of being in second place instead of first. The guy's child is 1st place(as she should be) & my friend is having real issues w/that. She said she's not used to a guy having to "find a sitter" or not being able to just plan an impromptu dinner date like she can. She has no kids and can come and go as she pleases. I've tried to explain to her that its different bc not only does he have a child, she's LIVING with him. My friend is very frustrated & is ready to drop him. She's ready to just go back to the NO KID whatsoever rule bc she said she simply can't compete w/the kid.

This is despicable. Single parents' regardless of the father or mother, and joint or sole custody, should not be looked at as 'damaged goods'.

So what if the father can't find a sitter. The child comes first, not your friend. If your friend can't accept that, then she has a big ego!!!!

 

[Limlim]

I would never date a man with a child. That would be super gay of me.

 

[Sterling]

I knew the child support comment would blow some of y'all up! It shocked me when she said it to me years ago. Nerdygirl said exactly what my friend has said. She doesn't want to be married to someone and then see her hard earned $ go to a child that isn't hers.

Why is that shocking, exactly? Who wants to be in that position?

As for anybody who thinks this sounds selfish, you're not being very practical. Is money all that matters? Of course not. Is it important? Of course it is! My step brothers have both been in jail because they lost their jobs and couldn't afford child support. Do you know what happens if you're married to a guy in that situation? You pay the whole child support bill. Heaven help you if you happen to be a mother, yourself. I've had family members who lived on ramen noodles and didn't turn on the heat when it was snowing, because they had to make sure their husbands' kids got way more child support than they really needed to live per month. This isn't just about, "Gee, I really like being able to blow money." Some of the time, it's more like, "Dang, I like not being homeless."

Honestly, the most selfish course of action would be to have a relationship with a parent if you know that you're just not cut out to be a parent yourself. Whether your reasons are finances, quality time, or just, "I don't like kids". This isn't nitpicking. It isn't like rejecting a man for being bald or overweight. A child is a huge deal, changing every day life events. If you know that it isn't right for you, don't be with somebody just because *gasp* you don't want to be single, or because you don't want to seem shallow. Ultimately, you hurt yourself, that person, and the child(ren).

+1.

 

[The Good Citizen]

Personally, I wouldn't date a man with a child. Mostly for the reason that I don't particularly like them, as well as I wouldn't want to deal with 'finding a sitter' and all of that. She should just dump him.

-1