Sorry if I havent replied lately its just that life is just you know kind off busy especially when you leave high school. I too havent had the perfect childhood, in fact I had to experience and do things for myself like alot of 19 year olds dont have to go through. And I understand all of you and I can relate to you in some way as well.
Trying to reply to your post, I purely understand that everyone goes through life with problems, theres no such thing as a perfect life, even powerful rich celebrities of the past have decided to end their life cause they have found the going gets tough, even when you think as a fan you see them as someone with such high status , powerful, legions of fans, and all the friends that they can have.
As for me I do understand that life is impossible to be perfect, I just wished that somethings just somethings went right. At the moment I am suffering financially (in terms of paying of rent, food, electricity,) I struggle to survive by myself cause I dont live with my parents. But living with my parents was hell, all they think about is their business and getting drunk and stoned. The worst case scenarios is being verbally and physically abused, bottles thrown at you. But I feel alot safer now. But still living by yourself its like jumping from one hell to another.
Not just that I have economic problems, I am suffering in a social basis as well. I am preety much safe to say I am a pathetic loner. I really dont have any friends, well true friends that is. Only acquaintances at work and just to hang out with. Its hard to live life when you dont have any friends, you dont have anyone to share what you feel in an emotional level, you dont have any friends that will check up on you when your down, no one to tell you that your worth it, that your not that bad, that is why not just that I feel lonely, but my self esteem is really really terrible.
Right now I could go on telling you a whole list of problems, but Ill try to keep it short. ATM im just so tired to even write down my problems. I really am so lost and confused, and due to too much fear and anxiety I too am losing concentration and focus on what I should do, or what I should say. Sometimes I even think that my memory is also affected by this, its weird that something is on my mind for example, I need to pick up something in my bedroom, the moment i get in I forget what i meant to do or what to get
Loneliness doesnt help when you also get abused and harrassed online. If I cant get any real true friends in real life, how pathethic could I be if I cant even be heard, no one to listen to, or no one to talk to in this virtual world. With no internet friends at all, seriously could I be more pathetic than I already am. Right now I cant really share anything that will bring happiness and joy, cause all that I have in my mind atm is just the anxiety and the fears that I have for the last 12 months.
Ill just give u a slight dose, just dot points of my fears and why my self esteem is down.
Fears
1)Fear of the future, fear of where I will end up in 5-10 years from now, whether I will suffer both financially and socially, will I be a loner even when im 30 years old, Will I ever get married, will any woman fall in love with a loser like me
2)Fears of social situation, whether I will make a fool of myself, I hate embarrassing myself in social situations.
3)Fears of losing my job
4)Fears that I may never change, like my personality would I be able to finally come out of my shell, will I still be an introvert and a shy creature. Even when I am loud and outgoing, is there a way to get peoples attention instead of them running away or ignoring me all the time.
5)Fears that I may have this bipolar depression for a very long time and other phobia’s. So many people, in fact basically every human being will go through life having lost a love one, break ups in relationships or marriages, unemployment, financial crisis, but people go through this its just life, but for others like myself I have phobia’s social anxiety problems when Im out, I just don’t know what to say, or when I do say things it just doesn’t make any sense. 4 weeks ago I have been suffering from 6 weeks of Agorophobia, total isolation just staying at home for most of the time, without getting out of the house.
Reasons for low Self Esteem
- I feel like the worst, most worthless human being on the planet why???
1) I just feel like everyone is better than me, or doing better than me anyways, whether in terms of the number of friends they have, the lifestyle, their jobs, careers, what they have, makes me feel worthless and really pathethic.
2) As I see whether in real life or over the internet people find it so easy to fully express themselves, and they are able to win friends and get people’s attentions. Its easy for them to be outgoing because of how high their self esteem is, and some are just too **** cocky and I hate that.
3) When I hear stories of what they have done, fun things that they have done over the weekend makes you think gosh I really am missing out on so much things in my life. And I would do anything to change, but I need to change something first and that’s what I am thinking up in my head, I need to have the willpower to change
4) Well I try to go out at least once a week, or once a fortnight, but when Im at home alone by myself, haven’t done anything over the weekend makes you think gosh am I this bad that no one wants to hang around with me, is there something wrong with me. I ask that same question as well when Im out with the crew and Im being totally ignored and left out, when that happens I always ask myself what I am doing wrong.
5) Its totally unfair how all the cruel and the nasty people of this world gets all the friends and the success, and the fun. While the nice and caring people they get taken advantaged, used, they have to put up with all the misery and all the pains. Fair enough it has got to do something with confidence but It does not have to mean that they have to be so cocky and so selfish and inconsiderate.
I hope I provided you with the right answers, and hopefully I haven’t bored you at all, but most of all I am so sorry if I have depressed you. Enough about me, I see that you are 16 years old. I really feel for you and I wish I could’ve been there for you. I kinda feel like a big brother to you cause Ive never had any siblings, nor a bro or a sis. But Im here now, and Ill always be here for you whenever you need me. You don’t deserve to put up with this misery and pains in your life at all. I too want to help you, so your not alone we will both work together. I promise that I will be there for you when you need me, and I will do my best to free you out of your misery and pains.
I am somehow happy and relief that I finally can relate to someone. I haven’t smiled for a week now, and atm you have made me smile again. I am really happy that weve found each other, that I have found a new friend in you. You seem like a really nice person, I wish we can meet each other one day. Now that we have each other, I promise that we will work together
I wish I could write you more, but I don’t want to bore you as much as I have already and its nearly 4am in Australia, I think my bed is calling me already lol. But we will catch up soon, and then we can start talking about the fun stuff, and you will know more about me as the days go on.
