A girlfriend will solve all of my issues?

[alonelyshyboy]

I just feel that finding a girlfriend will help to solve my lonely and sad feelings. Why? My life is pretty much on track - I am well-educated, I have a good career ahead of me, I don't look like a social outcast (feel like one though ). If I find the right girl, I will then have someone to take out to do things with, I can get to meet her friends, etc... and I will have someone to cuddle up with!

However, I fear that many women won't accept me because I am lonely. It's not that I choose to be this way, but because I am very shy and very much wish for a fulfilling social life.

I am a gentleman and know that I can treat a woman right. I can also be silly, yet serious when needed.


What do you all think?

 

[SunWeb]

Man, I think you are out of the club (of loners). You have everything to find a woman and be with. Just GO and DO it !!!

 

[Unacceptance]

Stop looking for a girlfriend actively and they will come out of the woodwork. Or so I hear.

 

[Robin]

In Your case, a girlfriend probably would make it easier for You to solve Your "problems", which actually only seem to be the fact that You think that You can't get a girlfriend, considering what You're saying. What are Your "problems", apart from Your fear?

The fear You explain is a little mysterious to me. You say that You fear that many women won't accept You because You're lonely. But isn't the whole point of looking for a partner, because You are lonely? Who doesn't understand that people who are looking for a partner in some way are lonely? You're not hiding something from us, are You? It's sort of like saying "I'm reluctant to eat this apple since i believe that it will go rotten if i show it that i'm hungry for it". The apple is supposed to be eaten, and the apple knows it. Not that finding a girlfriend who's right for You is as easy as eating an apple, but women as men alike were meant to share their life with at least one person that they love deeply. Why would we otherwise feel so much better and live so much longer when we do? Approaching one that You like isn't any harder than simply listening to Your heart, rather than the irrelevant fears that the society around You most probably have taught You.

You've apparently learned that being lonely makes it harder to not be lonely, which in a way makes sense (since it can make You one of those self-proclaimed outcasts), but You don't seem like one of those at all. You even seem to be certain of that You would be a good boyfriend. You've studied well and have thereby built the ship You need to embark on the career You see on the sea infront of You. I've yet to meet a person who doesn't understand that work (and studies especially) for many people is something they have to focus their life on. Focusing on something that makes Your future brighter, which You seem to have been successful with, is an admirable trait, and nothing else.

How does this seem to You? Compared to the genuine problems that some people have, here specially, Yours seem a little bit silly, doesn't it? No offense. I and most others here are just used to a little more... "problematic" problems.

 

[Steel]

I think it's very easy to focus on one aspect of our lives, and believe that fixing that will make everything else fall into place. Certainly I think it's very dangerous to map out how you hope things will go in the future.

I do wonder if its not your shyness that is causing more problems for you, rather than your current lack of girlfriend - and I would suggest working on overcoming this to some extent, and then, hopefully, everything else will arrive in due course.

 

[Unacceptance]

I think our confused poster of this topic is also ignoring the fact that he could potentially, and much more probably, end up with a girlfriend who adds to his problems instead of solving them.

 

[Robin]

I think our confused poster of this topic is also ignoring the fact that he could potentially, and much more probably, end up with a girlfriend who adds to his problems instead of solving them.

I saw his question more as one where he asks what good a girlfriend could do to him and his problems. I think he's smart enough to understand that he could end up with a broken heart as well, while You seem to think the opposite and clearly are generally negatively affected by Your experiences with women. I agree with You that it's wrong to give someone false hopes, but to leave something out that You believe the person in question is mature enough to understand fine by himself isn't the same thing. You're the biased one here.

 

[alonelyshyboy]

I have struggled with huge self-esteem issues in my youth. When I was in high school, I used to actively chat on the internet to girls in order to find someone to date - of course at that time I was so ignorant and unaware of how to be around girls (I was basically a mute). I have not dated since. I attribute this to my shyness/social anxiety, and the fact that I don't meet enough people - work is a no-no for dating.

Additionally, I struggled through university with social anxiety which is why I never really made any friends out of my many years there. I've worked hard to break out of my fear of even trivial things that most other people find to be just routine - ie. saying hello to someone.

My main issue is that I am 'lonely'. Not just in the intimate sense, but in the social sense. I actually get depressed knowing that I'm going to be spending my weekend alone on my own.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No, a girl won't solve any of your problems...at least the ones I've met.lol
Heck..sometimes you'll feel even more lonely when you miss them.
On a good day...you'll wish you're single again.lmao

Yeah we all need social contacts just to reminds us we're not alians.
Yeah...work can be a NO..NO for dating that's for sure, but maybe just be friends.
Or maybe practice with one of them.lol
It's a fine line, becuase we spend a lot of out times at work.
Just like when i used to meet girls in school and date them, just how we meet people sometimes.

Yeah..it's tough sometimes becuase to meeting people you have to go out.lol...lots
You won't run into them all the time but the more out going you are, you'll increase your
chances of meeting more poeple. Yeah..it's kind of screw if you're a shy person.

That's why I used to just go to the mall sometimes...girls like to shop.lol
You can always do the bars or club seen...Girls like to dance.
Which can be screwie if you don't know how to dance..lol
That's what alcohol is for ...I suppose. I use to get stupid
drunk then dance, Then Braff.lmao

I don't like going to my meetings anymore...too many crazy
women always hitting on me.lmao. I aint that lonely yet.lol

 

[Unacceptance]

I think our confused poster of this topic is also ignoring the fact that he could potentially, and much more probably, end up with a girlfriend who adds to his problems instead of solving them.

I saw his question more as one where he asks what good a girlfriend could do to him and his problems. I think he's smart enough to understand that he could end up with a broken heart as well, while You seem to think the opposite and clearly are generally negatively affected by Your experiences with women. I agree with You that it's wrong to give someone false hopes, but to leave something out that You believe the person in question is mature enough to understand fine by himself isn't the same thing. You're the biased one here.

"I just feel that finding a girlfriend will help to solve my lonely and sad feelings." is the first line of his post, I was responding to that. He would be lucky to just deal with a broken heart, having his loot pilfered or getting stuck with some disease is statistically more possible. Being biased is a part of being human and I am not sure how that plays in here, my negative experiences are with humanity as a whole, not just women. It seems a little disillusioned and someone has to be that sobering dose of undesired reality.

I guess we all have different points of views as to just what he was saying.

 

[Robin]

"I just feel that finding a girlfriend will help to solve my lonely and sad feelings." is the first line of his post, I was responding to that. He would be lucky to just deal with a broken heart, having his loot pilfered or getting stuck with some disease is statistically more possible. Being biased is a part of being human and I am not sure how that plays in here, my negative experiences are with humanity as a whole, not just women. It seems a little disillusioned and someone has to be that sobering dose of undesired reality.

I guess we all have different points of views as to just what he was saying.

Well i haven't mentioned anything about Your first reply to his post, so what You were responding in that post to doesn't really have anything to do with what i wrote to You.

Well, i don't really believe in statistics. If only 0.000001% of the population is to be statistically born with a certain disfunction, that doesn't make me fear that my first-born will suffer from it any smaller. If it can happen, it can happen to me. On the other hand, i don't see any reason to count myself in to statistics that go the other way either (95% of the population for example), since the fact that "most" people statistically are born with two eyes, for example, doesn't mean etc. etc. You get the point. Statistics doesn't mean anything to the single individual in my points of view since the statistics aren't relative to every persons life. They just count up a bunch of people and call it facts. A person who actually accommodates his/her life after what happens to most people, or what doesn't happen, is a lost one in my book, so i pretty much never bring stats up.

Well, since this guy obviously is asking for advice about something that he believes is something that is missing in his life, don't You think that it would be best for him to actually go through with it, find and get together with a woman, to find out about it all himself, rather than for someone to tell him that he should stop the search simply because of statistics when he's highly likely to end up at least as broken if he lived his life alone than if he found a girl whom stole his "loot" and gave him a decease? I've never even heard of anyone who got his/her things stolen from someone he/she dated. And condoms, if used properly, should keep him safe from STDs, if that's what You meant with that. Those are my stats, which are just as irrelevant for him as the stats that You've told him about since he neither is You, me, nor any of the other people who were part of the bunch who made up those statistics. He could get a rock from space flatten him tomorrow, or find a pot of gold under a painted rainbow on a wall. I don't think that he nor anyone else should neither worry nor wish for something that statistics say. That is what i meant with being unbiased here, and is something that i think is important for people asking for advice to receive.

Considering that You refer to Yourself as the dose of undesired reality, do You think that i simply tried to cheer him up by being the opposite? I always mean what i say, which i understand that neither You nor anyone else here might be aware of of course, but this guy has got a very good spirit about this considering that he apparently has battled horrible self-esteem in his life. I honestly think he appear very confident for having endured that upbringing, and think that it would be a big shame if he gave up now.

Of course, these are the words of a guy who found his soul-mate after all, so i guess that You and i have got quite a different story to tell this guy. While You advice him to avoid humanity to not be polluted by the potential risk that would be, i complement the genuine confidence i feel in him and advice him to try it out and see for himself instead. He might end up really happy. That's stats too (which doesn't mean crap to him.) Humans were supposed to live together, not alone. Besides, i haven't told him anything that was untrue or unnecessarily kind anyway, so i wouldn't consider myself as a light-bringer, rather than a guy who encourages listening to Your own feelings to find things out for Yourself. Being unbiased.

Both my parents are very biased. They are entirely convinced that what happened to them in their lives will happen to me. What's the point of life if You have nothing that You want in it? Why end up as another old man/woman complaining about that You didn't take enough chances in life just because You were told to not try things out for Yourself? We only have one life, and i don't see why we shouldn't live the heck out of it. I'd rather have one year with my soul-mate than 100 years alone. Absolutely.

 

[Unacceptance]

Well i haven't mentioned anything about Your first reply to his post, so what You were responding in that post to doesn't really have anything to do with what i wrote to You.

Well, i don't really believe in statistics. If only 0.000001% of the population is to be statistically born with a certain disfunction, that doesn't make me fear that my first-born will suffer from it any smaller. If it can happen, it can happen to me. On the other hand, i don't see any reason to count myself in to statistics that go the other way either (95% of the population for example), since the fact that "most" people statistically are born with two eyes, for example, doesn't mean etc. etc. You get the point. Statistics doesn't mean anything to the single individual in my points of view since the statistics aren't relative to every persons life. They just count up a bunch of people and call it facts. A person who actually accommodates his/her life after what happens to most people, or what doesn't happen, is a lost one in my book, so i pretty much never bring stats up.

Well, since this guy obviously is asking for advice about something that he believes is something that is missing in his life, don't You think that it would be best for him to actually go through with it, find and get together with a woman, to find out about it all himself, rather than for someone to tell him that he should stop the search simply because of statistics when he's highly likely to end up at least as broken if he lived his life alone than if he found a girl whom stole his "loot" and gave him a decease? I've never even heard of anyone who got his/her things stolen from someone he/she dated. And condoms, if used properly, should keep him safe from STDs, if that's what You meant with that. Those are my stats, which are just as irrelevant for him as the stats that You've told him about since he neither is You, me, nor any of the other people who were part of the bunch who made up those statistics. He could get a rock from space flatten him tomorrow, or find a pot of gold under a painted rainbow on a wall. I don't think that he nor anyone else should neither worry nor wish for something that statistics say. That is what i meant with being unbiased here, and is something that i think is important for people asking for advice to receive.

Considering that You refer to Yourself as the dose of undesired reality, do You think that i simply tried to cheer him up by being the opposite? I always mean what i say, which i understand that neither You nor anyone else here might be aware of of course, but this guy has got a very good spirit about this considering that he apparently has battled horrible self-esteem in his life. I honestly think he appear very confident for having endured that upbringing, and think that it would be a big shame if he gave up now.

Of course, these are the words of a guy who found his soul-mate after all, so i guess that You and i have got quite a different story to tell this guy. While You advice him to avoid humanity to not be polluted by the potential risk that would be, i complement the genuine confidence i feel in him and advice him to try it out and see for himself instead. He might end up really happy. That's stats too (which doesn't mean crap to him.) Humans were supposed to live together, not alone. Besides, i haven't told him anything that was untrue or unnecessarily kind anyway, so i wouldn't consider myself as a light-bringer, rather than a guy who encourages listening to Your own feelings to find things out for Yourself. Being unbiased.

Both my parents are very biased. They are entirely convinced that what happened to them in their lives will happen to me. What's the point of life if You have nothing that You want in it? Why end up as another old man/woman complaining about that You didn't take enough chances in life just because You were told to not try things out for Yourself? We only have one life, and i don't see why we shouldn't live the heck out of it. I'd rather have one year with my soul-mate than 100 years alone. Absolutely.

1. I don't believe I quoted a single statistic, at all.
2. Not caring about things that are likely to happen is a pretty odd way of going about life. I guess you also play in traffic because all those crazy cases of people being hit by cars is just nonsense, Drink bleach because all that hearsay about people dying is just poppycock and fairy tales, and snort crack because addiction is a myth. See how ludicrous that sounds?
3. It's nice that you are being positive, I respect it. However I don't understand what is so wrong about letting someone know about a potential downside. That's the same mentality that drives the pharmaceutical companies to fresia so many people over by promising a new wonder drug without talking about the likely side effects.
4. Don't think you are unbiased, following your feelings and have a predisposition to judge people are pretty interrelated. In fact both are tied to the Amygdala, the reptilian part of a person's brain.
5. I never told him to avoid humanity, at all. I am just stressing being wary and not putting all your faith in a quick fix solution. It's not healthy.
6. He could end up with an STD from things outside of just sex. You need to look at the majority of Small Claims court cases and divorce settlements, a lot of it is about property that is going or has gone throughout the course of a relationship, where it should not.
7. Give it up, you gave yourself away.

Added: If you like continuing this discussion feel free to PM me, as I am done here. I don't feel like clogging up this poor guy's thread with more inane drivel.

 

[Ithought]

It might help to solve your sadness and loneliness via being with someone.
You might feel happiness and don’t feel lonely anymore.
But it could turn to happy life or pretending life if you meet someone to solve the problems.
In my case, pretending will cause more loneliness.

 

[alonelyshyboy]

It might help to solve your sadness and loneliness via being with someone.
You might feel happiness and don’t feel lonely anymore.
But it could turn to happy life or pretending life if you meet someone to solve the problems.
In my case, pretending will cause more loneliness.

True, but making new friends and being social will make me feel happy.

I know so because I went out with a random group of people the other week and I didn't know anyone and I had a fun time.

 

[Ithought]

It might help to solve your sadness and loneliness via being with someone.
You might feel happiness and don’t feel lonely anymore.
But it could turn to happy life or pretending life if you meet someone to solve the problems.
In my case, pretending will cause more loneliness.

True, but making new friends and being social will make me feel happy.

I know so because I went out with a random group of people the other week and I didn't know anyone and I had a fun time.

Yes, I felt the same.
When I expect something like I want to get through loneliness with someone’s helps or fun what I could have from random gatherings it make me lonelier.
But when I don’t expect such a thing it was pretty good.
Weak part is … only I could do that when I am not despaired too much.

I would like to suggest you that don’t expect too much then you can have fun.

 

[Lexicon Devil]

I just feel that finding a girlfriend will help to solve my lonely and sad feelings. Why? My life is pretty much on track - I am well-educated, I have a good career ahead of me, I don't look like a social outcast (feel like one though ). If I find the right girl, I will then have someone to take out to do things with, I can get to meet her friends, etc... and I will have someone to cuddle up with!

However, I fear that many women won't accept me because I am lonely. It's not that I choose to be this way, but because I am very shy and very much wish for a fulfilling social life.

I am a gentleman and know that I can treat a woman right. I can also be silly, yet serious when needed.


What do you all think?

WOW YOU SOUND LIKE MY IDEAL GUY

 

[alonelyshyboy]

I don't expect too much. But I feel like I am not my age because of my lack of social experiences.

 

[Bluey]

I don't expect too much. But I feel like I am not my age because of my lack of social experiences.

I think in a lot of ways when you have been single for so long and have had to do things alone that can make you older then your years. As a kid I spent a lot of time in hospital and at home alone cos my parents had to work. It made me grow up a lot faster then I other wise would had. Also I have been living alone since I was 20. Again I know ppl that are not strong enough to do that so stay with there partner simply cos they are not strong enough to live alone.


You may have a lack of self esteem. I don't think it would take you to long to get the confidants you need if you meat the right girl.

I know where your coming from thou. If I was to go on a date with a girl I would be bricking it. But I hope I still would go and I know given time I would gain moor confidence with what ever girl I was with. If shes a nice girl she would understand that. I don't for one minute think that any girl would be bothered at your lack of experience with the opposite sex. Just as long as she liked you I can see no reason why it would not work. And I don't honestly see any reason why any girl would not like you. You come across to me as a friendly guy.

 

[Robin]

WOW YOU SOUND LIKE MY IDEAL GUY

I like where this is going.

I don't expect too much. But I feel like I am not my age because of my lack of social experiences.

ShyBoy, i really don't think that You have to worry about things like that. Being extra mature is a GOOD thing, and especially for us guys since we normally grow up later than the girls. And having a lack in social experience just means that You have better qualities elsewhere! Your personality will help You out tremendously. It's more like You're worried about being worried. You seem like a very goodhearted and cool guy, and i'm certain that all You need to do is to actually just be Yourself. Just like sleep said, i think lots of women are looking for a guy like You, so being afraid in Your case is just a waste of time. I don't really see anything but Your fear of Your fear stopping You as the problem here.

And Bluey's right about how some people grow up alot faster than the others. I had extreme hormone levels when i entered puberty and were 190cm tall by the time i was 14. How much older do You think i looked compared to classmates? And because of my early growth, and with it my early wish for some love in my life, i got into a long, deep depression that lasted many years. I thought i was a freak, but even though, i knew that if a girl just would let me, i'd show her heaven. I kept being myself, regardless of what people thought of me, and i felt like crap for being the only one who weren't the slightest interested in money and material things. It took a while, but i found my soul-mate, by being who i am.

You have a good personality and a great spirit. And that's the most important thing You could ever have when You're looking for love! I'm sitting here thinking "What on earth is this guy doing here?" because it's just silly how perfect guys like You even end up lonely!

 

[alonelyshyboy]

Yeah, it's a shame how I work hard during the week (I worked overtime today); but have no one to spend the weekends unwinding with.

I went shopping after work and saw all these young couples around. It made me feel rather down in the dumps.