A jaguarundi guide to finding someone

[Nightwing]

Well if you're a woman, a low-cut shirt with your boobs hanging out, a skirt or tight jeans and heels. And don't forget to do your hair. And shave your legs and pits. Maybe some earrings and a bracelet too. Better lotion up while you're at it so you smell pretty and are young-looking. And don't forget a pedicure if you're wearing open toe shoes.
Any more questions?

Ok, I'm kidding. Sort of.

-Teresa

And if you're a man: A SHIRT! No tie.
All other decisions for men are optional since I've heard lots of contradictory views: some women hate jeans, but others think trousers make you look too much like you're going to work behind the bar. Many women like clean shaven, while others like a bit of stubble. Hair style is really pot luck... some women like the messy look and some think it makes you look like a loser who's lazy... but I hear the most successful is the Mohawk (not even kidding... the two guys I know who are most successful with the ladies have mohawks... this is not coincidence, though I do feel they certainly get a bit of novelty working in their favour. Probably some women wanting to say in their lives "I had a guy with Mohawk once in my youth blah blah blah. At least that's my attempt at explaining it.) Just be yourself guys apart from one other thing. Wear some decent shoes so you can't be turned away from anywhere for wearing trainers.

So yeah, in summary - guys, the alteration to your dress sense is minimal. Wear a shirt and some decent shoes... the rest of your outfit should be as natural as you can (i.e. it should go with said shirt and shoes. Don't turn up in a shirt, tracksuit bottoms and a tracksuit jacket. (You will make me facepalm if you do this.) and it should allow you to be as you normally would be. That way you're selling yourself for the most part. And shoes, decent shoes just so you don't get turned away from anywhere with a dress code on shoes! (Which is far more bars and restaurants than you'd think these days.)

 

[jaguarundi]

Freedom from Liberty wrote So is this rant about clothes your THIRD tip, jaguarundi?

Tip number 3

It has been said before. I will say it again.

There is no such thing as failure. There is only feedback.

.....​

 

[kamya]

http://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice

Start with reading the links on the sidebar. You can post a picture and they will pick you apart and give tons of advice on what to change.

 

[Peaches]

http://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice

Start with reading the links on the sidebar. You can post a picture and they will pick you apart and give tons of advice on what to change.

love that! I can't imagine what would happen if a similar thing was done for women

 

[kamya]

love that! I can't imagine what would happen if a similar thing was done for women

Hmm if only such a place existed :O

http://www.reddit.com/r/femalefashionadvice

Ta-Da!

 

[Batman55]

For the jaguarundi:

There's a good chance you are busy, but I'm nonetheless wondering if the "guide" is generally concluded at this point.

It seems to me it's possible that continued commentary here may be confusing you on what to write in another long-form entry... :-/

 

[jaguarundi]

^No little bitty-bat, I am not confused. I am indeed busy as I have a lot of spring cleaning and gardening (or more accurately, slash-and-burn) to do. I posted a skeleton Tip 3 because I was both busy and interested to see if anyone would raise their head above the parapet to discuss it, or if y'all were going to leave all the work to me, and then pick everything apart afterwards. And we have our answer, don't we?

I will add one more thing about persistent negativity, and it is this. I take the view that, far from invalidating any bad things that have happened to me (and believe me they have, oh yes), wallowing in negativity just drains away all my power. It does this by keeping alive painful feelings like hurt, anger or bitterness about the very twats whose actions caused me pain in the first place. And I cannot for the life of me see how it benefits me in any way to, in effect, let other people's twattery continue to rule my feelings, my actions, or my life. Happiness truly is the very best revenge. And that is not a tip - that is a golden rule to live by.


So, here are the thoughts I wrote a few days ago to go with

Tip 3 There is no such thing as failure, only feedback​

How many of you out there play computer games? Or some kind of sport? Go to the gym - do yoga - knit - cook ? That many, huh? So here's the thing. When you do that thing that you like doing, and you hit a level of Grand Theft Auto (or whatever, I don't fecking know) and keep getting killed, or end up in the sand trap on the golf course, or drop a stitch in your knitting - what do you do?

~~Do you continually keep on doing exactly the same thing, the exact same thing, and blame everything and anything when it keeps on not working?
~~Do you chuck the whole thing as a waste of time?
~~Do you search out a whole bunch of people and ***** away until you have all convinced each other that there is nothing you can do differently, and in fact doing it at all is futile and you might as well quit?

Or do you keep going and try something different? And get on with it and keep trying, and work out what you did wrong (so you don't do it again), and remember what you did right (so you can do it again)? Not dwelling over and over again on what didn't work until you feel like a failure, not blaming or whining or getting furious and bitter (or not for very long - everyone is entitled to let out a bit of frustration), until you get past that level, that sand-trap or crack that tricky cabling pattern?

Of course, I hear you saying, that's all very well finding someone is different to a game/a sport/a hobby. Yes, I agree. It IS different. It's your LIFE and you are just letting it piss away down the toilet of time, because you basically don't approach it as you would something that fundamentally, in the great scheme of things, doesn't actually fecking matter.

Ok people are more tricky than sports and hobbies and there are no guarantees. And yes, what works for one might not work for another. But if you have the skills and ability to keep on until you get better at a game or a hobby, you certainly have it to keep on until you get better at dating, or meeting people, or making friends. Or basically anything short of the physically impossible. You just need to change your attitude to finding someone.

If you accept that you are not probably not going to find what you are looking for the first time - or the 2nd - or maybe even the 20th , but that you CAN learn what went wrong and do better next time, then basically, - you WILL learn and do better next time.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, Practice, Practice.....

 

[Grackle]

First comment is the tip on clothing. I understand that a person should look clean and presentable when meeting someone. Who wants to cuddle someone whose clothes smell or kiss someone with bad teeth. However, if I wear suit and tie when I go out and then a top notch dress shirt and slacks with Italian shoes on a date, I would be deceiving my date as to who I really am. How long before she realizes the clothes I wear is a scam and that I'm not 'that' person at all. I suggest if you like wearing hoodies then wear nice or new ones. If you like cowboy boots then keep them clean and polished. Keep the sloppy look for home, dress respectfully, be polite to everyone because you never know when someone notices you.

Tip 3 - negativity.
This stuff is like farting, it happens cuz we are humans but man it sure can stink and people do notice. Bitterness, finger pointing, fault finding leads to an aura people can really pick up on. A girl (or boy ) doesn't go out to find the most needy person they can, they want a relationship that will be fun and exciting.

Inside, I'm moaner, I go through spells of quitting and I talk about how pathetic people are and how crappy life is and how unfair EVERYTHING in the world is but I want things to change ...badly. Being negative only makes me want to be more negative.

 

[Nightwing]

Inside, I'm moaner, I go through spells of quitting and I talk about how pathetic people are and how crappy life is and how unfair EVERYTHING in the world is but I want things to change ...badly. Being negative only makes me want to be more negative.

Victor Meldrew had Margaret. Perhaps you should look at your negativity as more of a sensitivity to the world around you? I'm not entirely certain where I'm going with... but I think it's a useful thought to consider and see if anybody else can make something from it?

After all... the key thing about this guide which I think Jag is trying to get across are suggestions to help you, which we as individuals need to think about and use/not use depending on how much it would affect who we identify as. After all... you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't love you for who you are. The balance is out there somewhere.

 

[jaguarundi]

Tip 3 - negativity.
Inside, I'm moaner, I go through spells of quitting and I talk about how pathetic people are and how crappy life is and how unfair EVERYTHING in the world is but I want things to change ...badly. Being negative only makes me want to be more negative.

Think I don't sometimes get low and pissed off and want things to be different? But you are right on the money when you say that being negative only brings more negativity with it - if you do it too much that is.

And does being a miserable git feel good? Does it make anyone truly happy? It makes me feel crappy and I don't like feeling that way. So I have an internal moan and then .. I stop it.

As I think you do?

 

[Grackle]

Sensitive ? Pretty sure you're right.

I do stop, eventually. I added the last paragraph to show that I have gone through a tremendous amount of negativity in my life so I know how destructive it can be.

 

[jaguarundi]

Sensitive ? Pretty sure you're right.

I do stop, eventually. I added the last paragraph to show that I have gone through a tremendous amount of negativity in my life so I know how destructive it can be.

Thought so! Good on yer!

 

[Batman55]

I appreciate your latest long form entry and much of it does ring true.. if only I were to try it. But I fear I've no business doing so, at this point, other than to find another avenue for embarrassment and self-loathing. (Look at SimonT's latest anecdote, for example. The guy makes an honest effort and it ends badly.)

I'm afraid I'm just a very uncertain person, it basically oozes from my very soul... and uncertainty in a man is pretty much the same exact thing as low confidence. No woman likes it, and there's no changing that fact. The most logical, but highly unrealistic answer, is to become "certain." Well, that's just not realistic for me. Could I "act" certain? Maybe. But even then, we could go on and talk about my low status--another hard and unpleasant truth. Women like a guy who gets things done, ain't no changing that.

So I don't think it is right for me to try and approach any woman. Looking around at some of the posts here, there's been many suggestions that you need to be or become social, to have any chance at finding a woman. You need to be the kind of guy who wants to be around people. Barring that, you need education or accomplishments, 'fraid that isn't me either.

Sorry for the negativity, but the point I'm trying to make here is that I worry you may be wasting your time with me.. of course, you have plenty of other people here who are willing to start accruing a social network or start conversing with anyone just to sharpen their social skills, or go to pubs with friends to find that girl from Uni one of them knows.. But that person isn't me.

(If somehow there's an alternative to all this, I'd like to find it. But I fear that nothing else is possible.)

 

[Triple Bogey]

I appreciate your latest long form entry and much of it does ring true.. if only I were to try it. But I fear I've no business doing so, at this point, other than to find another avenue for embarrassment and self-loathing. (Look at SimonT's latest anecdote, for example. The guy makes an honest effort and it ends badly.)

I'm afraid I'm just a very uncertain person, it basically oozes from my very soul... and uncertainty in a man is pretty much the same exact thing as low confidence. No woman likes it, and there's no changing that fact. The most logical, but highly unrealistic answer, is to become "certain." Well, that's just not realistic for me. Could I "act" certain? Maybe. But even then, we could go on and talk about my low status--another hard and unpleasant truth. Women like a guy who gets things done, ain't no changing that.

So I don't think it is right for me to try and approach any woman. Looking around at some of the posts here, there's been many suggestions that you need to be or become social, to have any chance at finding a woman. You need to be the kind of guy who wants to be around people. Barring that, you need education or accomplishments, 'fraid that isn't me either.

Sorry for the negativity, but the point I'm trying to make here is that I worry you may be wasting your time with me.. of course, you have plenty of other people here who are willing to start accruing a social network or start conversing with anyone just to sharpen their social skills, or go to pubs with friends to find that girl from Uni one of them knows.. But that person isn't me.

(If somehow there's an alternative to all this, I'd like to find it. But I fear that nothing else is possible.)

Nice honesty there. I wish I could write something like that. Sort of explains the hopelessness of my situation as well.

 

[Grackle]

You could always do the mail order bride. My neighbour hooked up with a sweet Philippine lady and he was definitely no catch.

 

[Triple Bogey]

You could always do the mail order bride. My neighbour hooked up with a sweet Philippine lady and he was definitely no catch.

I am sure a lot of men do. It's on the increase. I see lots of them walking around.

 

[jaguarundi]

I appreciate your latest long form entry and much of it does ring true.. if only I were to try it. But I fear I've no business doing so, at this point, other than to find another avenue for embarrassment and self-loathing. (Look at SimonT's latest anecdote, for example. The guy makes an honest effort and it ends badly.)

says Batman

SimonT made one effort - ONE. Then came on ALL beating himself up and wallowing in self loathing - not even because the girl was nasty to him or said anything bad to him, just looked a bit startled. In what way does that constitute it ending badly? In what way is that following my advice to learn, not take it personally and keep on trying? And hopefully now that he as vented, he will.

What this DOES do is completely validate my advice about watching out for the negativity - your own and other peoples. What did I say, hmm? I said....
~~Do you search out a whole bunch of people and ***** away until you have all convinced each other that there is nothing you can do differently, and in fact doing it at all is futile and you might as well quit? Do I say QED now, or something a lot more exasperated?

Next point. Am I wasting my time with you Batman55? I don't know. There is a saying 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.' Maybe you will drink, maybe not now but in a few years time. Maybe in 20 years time you will sit back and think - 'oh fresia, that whatshername was right all along and I so wish I had done some of what she said'.

Maybe other people will take heed of even 1% of all this and change their lives for the better. Maybe I am preaching to the converted - but even so if it helps a few out there to keep on keeping on with what they are doing - that's fine too.

Finally re confidence and acting as if you have it. Watch this space. In a few days I will talk about something along those lines. All I can do is to keep posting. Keep on reading...

 

[Batman55]

Nice honesty there. I wish I could write something like that. Sort of explains the hopelessness of my situation as well.

I'm glad you appreciate my honesty. Trust me I hesitated to hit send on that post... jags has said specifically she doesn't want moaning in this thread... and that post has lots of moaning in it. but i felt it was important for me to write about those "demons of truth" behind all this... it's not always helpful to keep such things behind closed doors esp. when someone trying to help doesn't have the facts.

I'm just glad jags didn't throw her hands up and say "I quit" after that one!

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Am I the only one who sees that sees the irony in this thread- a single lady giving advice on finding someone?

*smirk*

 

[EveWasFramed]

Am I the only one who sees that sees the irony in this thread- a single lady giving advice on finding someone?

*smirk*

:club: :club: :club: