Dating in your twenties...is it normally like this?

[TheSolitaryMan]

I'm in my twenties, I've been on about 7 dates this year with girls that sort of age. These have been the first dates I've had, I suppose. And so far I've just been kind of...disappointed.

Out of those seven dates, 3 girls were just kind of messing me about for whatever reason. They wanted attention, or were just bored or something. So we went on a date, they said they had a great time, then I never got a second date because they went silent. Felt bad the first time, then I realised that I'm not that bothered if other people don't put the effort in.

Two girls seemed genuinely lovely (as in, I spent the whole date thinking "Okay, cool, I'm clicking a lot with this person, this is great.")

But then one turned out to be just messing about again (hurt tbh, since I was really surprised she just "switched off"), and the other was really great and enthusiastic but *so* **** flakey and busy that getting another date was borderline impossible even when she arranged it and I just gave up three months later.

The last two were kind of in-between these archetypes. Had good dates, had a hug, got phone numbers etc. if I didn't already have them, but then they moved away/got ill/got bored and that was that.

Anyway, this is rambly. Just...I feel like this is exactly the time in my life I should be meeting girls, enjoying dating, enjoying intimacy, having cool relationships.

But everyone I meet is really busy, I'm really busy, lots of girls seem to have serious issues already in their lives (drug abuse, bereavement, past sexual abuse, all sorts of nasty stuff...) and actually it feels stupidly difficult to get a "normal" relationship.

The friends I've talked to suggest that I just skip the dating and sleep with the first person I can and then see if a relationship develops because "that's how things start now"; IMO though that's pretty desperate and not really how I want to start things with someone...

However, these same friends hit me with the "Ah, just keep trying" line and then seem surprised when I say it's been 7 girls now. But then they've also just said I'm unlucky with this stuff.

So I'm not sure what to believe. Is it really just a numbers game? Do I suck at dating? Are 90% of guys and girls in their 20's weirdly allergic to any kind of relationship that doesn't involve insta-bonking?

Do share your experiences please!

 

[Oldyoung]

Basically I don't date. I feel everyday social constructs make it impossible to get close to anyone without it being VERY weird. You don't hit on the cashier say, and that same "professionalism" extend to all interactions you have.

I don't bother with online dating. It's flooded with attention seekers and socially aggressive people who ruin the experience for everyone else. Additionally, the competition becomes artificially fierce with online dating. Everyone believes they got more options than they really do.

Also, I get what you mean when you say everyone's busy. It's like I'm disrupting someone's time schedule if want to try hitting on them.

It definitely is a numbers game as well though. Plus, don't think of the dates as "failed" if you actually had a good time during them. Keep doing it.

To summarize my (lack of) experience, it's rude to approach people/date.

 

[ABrokenMan]

TheSolitaryMan, the age of the girl / woman is not an issue. The switching off after a date or two is nothing new to any guy who initiates the dating situation. I recently experienced the same outcome myself last year. Thought she and i had a lot in common after running into each other once a week, I suggested that we attend an event, she said "definitely". She said she had a great time at the end, we went out again, a month later, but I decided to let it fade. She never responded to a couple of texts and gave the vibe that she was not interested in a relationship. If I were younger I might have kept at it, but now in life, if someone isn't interested or showing signs that they are after a couple of dates, I'm no longer interested.

Finding someone in life takes work. In some aspects, the modern world allows more opportunities to meet and engage, primarily through social media. In the past when I was younger, one was generally limited to opportunities based on location, life situation (work, school, etc.) and friendship circles. Today, the playing field is near infinite. But with increased potential comes increased competition.

 

[mariomuscle22]

I'm in my twenties, I've been on about 7 dates this year with girls that sort of age. These have been the first dates I've had, I suppose. And so far I've just been kind of...disappointed.

Out of those seven dates, 3 girls were just kind of messing me about for whatever reason. They wanted attention, or were just bored or something. So we went on a date, they said they had a great time, then I never got a second date because they went silent. Felt bad the first time, then I realised that I'm not that bothered if other people don't put the effort in.

Two girls seemed genuinely lovely (as in, I spent the whole date thinking "Okay, cool, I'm clicking a lot with this person, this is great.")

But then one turned out to be just messing about again (hurt tbh, since I was really surprised she just "switched off"), and the other was really great and enthusiastic but *so* **** flakey and busy that getting another date was borderline impossible even when she arranged it and I just gave up three months later.

The last two were kind of in-between these archetypes. Had good dates, had a hug, got phone numbers etc. if I didn't already have them, but then they moved away/got ill/got bored and that was that.

Anyway, this is rambly. Just...I feel like this is exactly the time in my life I should be meeting girls, enjoying dating, enjoying intimacy, having cool relationships.

But everyone I meet is really busy, I'm really busy, lots of girls seem to have serious issues already in their lives (drug abuse, bereavement, past sexual abuse, all sorts of nasty stuff...) and actually it feels stupidly difficult to get a "normal" relationship.

The friends I've talked to suggest that I just skip the dating and sleep with the first person I can and then see if a relationship develops because "that's how things start now"; IMO though that's pretty desperate and not really how I want to start things with someone...

However, these same friends hit me with the "Ah, just keep trying" line and then seem surprised when I say it's been 7 girls now. But then they've also just said I'm unlucky with this stuff.

So I'm not sure what to believe. Is it really just a numbers game? Do I suck at dating? Are 90% of guys and girls in their 20's weirdly allergic to any kind of relationship that doesn't involve insta-bonking?

Do share your experiences please!

The funny thing is that even if you dont want to specifically date someone online and you are just looking to have a casual friendship with a female with a little flirt spice mixed in you still get the same results. I find that the only difference between online and real life is that people tend to lie about how they look in real life. They either overestimate or underestimate by a lot.

A fair point to keep in mind I guess is that anyone on the real life dating scene should probably just let it happen. I mean guys use the scattergun approach and rarely ...I mean rarely hit paydirt. The best dates I have been on have been when a girl in my social circle has expressed interest directly or indirectly. Being able to read a woman is 99% of the battle and being able to capitalize on is the other 1%.

I liken it to being a good hunter and knowing how to set an attractive bait and then knowing how to capture. Lol. That is the game of dating in a nutshell if you want to go that route.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Basically I don't date. I feel everyday social constructs make it impossible to get close to anyone without it being VERY weird. You don't hit on the cashier say, and that same "professionalism" extend to all interactions you have.

Really nice to hear someone else finds this too actually!

"Oh wow, that barmaid is really hot. And she's smiling at me. But right now she's working and really busy, plus there are loads of people around, so there's no point in me even trying to get a date with her."

Thing is, I'm not sure my desire to hit on people that I meet in every day life is just a product of my loneliness or something I should actually try.

I've never tried to get a date with a girl I've just "met" because even if someone blatantly likes you it seems ridiculous in the middle of a shop/bar/business transaction/bus stop chat to ask someone out...

 

[Oldyoung]

Basically I don't date. I feel everyday social constructs make it impossible to get close to anyone without it being VERY weird. You don't hit on the cashier say, and that same "professionalism" extend to all interactions you have.

Really nice to hear someone else finds this too actually!

"Oh wow, that barmaid is really hot. And she's smiling at me. But right now she's working and really busy, plus there are loads of people around, so there's no point in me even trying to get a date with her."

Thing is, I'm not sure my desire to hit on people that I meet in every day life is just a product of my loneliness or something I should actually try.

I've never tried to get a date with a girl I've just "met" because even if someone blatantly likes you it seems ridiculous in the middle of a shop/bar/business transaction/bus stop chat to ask someone out...

It is fair to stay professional with a barmaid, imo. The problem is when you're introduced to someone new and get a chance to interact with them on a more personal level, yet you treat them just like you would the cashier or barmaid. (Cause that's all you're used to)

 

[ardour]

I've never tried to get a date with a girl I've just "met" because even if someone blatantly likes you it seems ridiculous in the middle of a shop/bar/business transaction/bus stop chat to ask someone out...

I've never worked out - outside of maybe bars, clubs (or online…shudder) - where the 'right' place for this is.

What about getting to know women at club gatherings and events. Similar interests, right? Except the social part of it is still just an additional element. Asking someone out like that is potentially *very unwelcome* as it could interfere with their ability to enjoy the activity, which is their primary reason for being there, not meeting men or “getting to know new people”. For example say I tried this with one of the women at the running meet, she declines, it gets awkward having to see each other over and over, until eventually one of us stops going. I just couldn't do it, it would feel like you had somehow crossed a boundary, even if you're not pushy about it and can take the hint.

The same is true of varsity or night classes; it simply isn't appropriate. And workplaces, no-one needs to explain why that's a terrible idea.

 

[Paraiyar]

I've never tried to get a date with a girl I've just "met" because even if someone blatantly likes you it seems ridiculous in the middle of a shop/bar/business transaction/bus stop chat to ask someone out...

I've never worked out - outside of maybe bars, clubs (or online…shudder) - where the 'right' place for this is.

What about getting to know women at club gatherings and events. Similar interests, right? Except the social part of it is still just an additional element. Asking someone out like that is potentially *very unwelcome* as it could interfere with their ability to enjoy the activity, which is their primary reason for being there, not meeting men or “getting to know new people”. For example say I tried this with one of the women at the running meet, she declines, it gets awkward having to see each other over and over, until eventually one of us stops going. I just couldn't do it, it would feel like you had somehow crossed a boundary, even if you're not pushy about it and can take the hint.

The same is true of varsity or night classes; it simply isn't appropriate. And workplaces, no-one needs to explain why that's a terrible idea.

Even if you do cross something of a boundary, will it really be as bad as you think? If the girl stops going to the group out of awkwardness then so what? Is the alternative of not taking any risks and potentially never getting a partner really better? I remember I went to a Hare Krishna dinner a few years back when I was hanging out with them a bit and sat at a table with some of the devotees and a journalist girl who'd just finished her Yoga class. Turns out we really clicked and she was attractive as well. I didn't get her number before she left and I really regret it because I never saw her again and I'm around 95% confident she would have given it to me. When I look back on my life around 14-25(now) it's always the things I didn't do that I regret.

Also, people at work tend to end up in relationships all the time so obviously it happens.

 

[Paraiyar]

Basically I don't date. I feel everyday social constructs make it impossible to get close to anyone without it being VERY weird. You don't hit on the cashier say, and that same "professionalism" extend to all interactions you have.

Really nice to hear someone else finds this too actually!

"Oh wow, that barmaid is really hot. And she's smiling at me. But right now she's working and really busy, plus there are loads of people around, so there's no point in me even trying to get a date with her."

Thing is, I'm not sure my desire to hit on people that I meet in every day life is just a product of my loneliness or something I should actually try.

I've never tried to get a date with a girl I've just "met" because even if someone blatantly likes you it seems ridiculous in the middle of a shop/bar/business transaction/bus stop chat to ask someone out...

Maybe if you have a shared interest, say music for example, you should just ask them if they're going to a gig that's on soon. Kind of a way of getting to see them again without making it awkward. I'm sure there are plenty of shared interests where this can just as easily be done with as it can with music.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Also, people at work tend to end up in relationships all the time so obviously it happens.

Not in my situation. I've asked out dozens of single girls who were employed at the same businesses as I at various times and not one ever accepted. 99% of the reasons given were: "I don't date co-workers. If things went bad between us it would make working here an awkward and uncomfortable daily situation for me."

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

Basically I don't date. I feel everyday social constructs make it impossible to get close to anyone without it being VERY weird. You don't hit on the cashier say, and that same "professionalism" extend to all interactions you have.

I don't bother with online dating. It's flooded with attention seekers and socially aggressive people who ruin the experience for everyone else. Additionally, the competition becomes artificially fierce with online dating. Everyone believes they got more options than they really do.

Also, I get what you mean when you say everyone's busy. It's like I'm disrupting someone's time schedule if want to try hitting on them.

It definitely is a numbers game as well though. Plus, don't think of the dates as "failed" if you actually had a good time during them. Keep doing it.

To summarize my (lack of) experience, it's rude to approach people/date.

Old young brings up an interesting talking point with constructs and boundaries. This isn't 'dating experience' persay, but definitely relevant to his post. So, I was out with friends at a nightclub roughly a month back. After a few drinks, we eventually hit the dancefloor. A few minutes in, and my eye catches a girl dancing and looking at me, with a smile on her face. So, I start to awkwardly dancing back, and this is the point where her friend storms over, and says. And I quote: "Can you please stop staring at us? We're trying to enjoy ourselves here, and you're ruining it!"

Needless to say, I've sworn off of dancing. And alot of other things. I often psyche myself out of taking risks with girls by playing worst case scenarios in my head. Except this time that scenario actually happens. I'd imagine that alot of the guys here pride themselves on being respectful, and humble gentlemen. Well being one of those guys, having a worst case scenario play out when you weren't even approaching aggressively.......... really hits hard. By default, you've gotta assume all of the fault on your part. At no point can you blame, or even be angry at the female element, for reasons I won't get into here out of fear of getting banned.

Online dating is even worse for this for the reasons OldYoung mentioned above. I use OKcupid, which uses a 'like' system. I take good care to avoid messaging anyone unless I get that mutual like.

And yes. It is, entirely possible to be blocked first message in after a mutual like.

 

[handheart]

Life its a number of game and to find your luck you must try as many variants as you can .3 girls its not enought to supose you will find hapiness ,life this days its dificult and people also just try otehr girls and wait for another disapointment .Take the good think that you will learn something from these expereinces .And girls these days are bitchy if you dont sleep with them they will leave so i hope you get my point

 

[HybridWarrior93]

We can get stuck in a mold of people we like. Look back and think if the woman had anything in common. Some woman are looking for a prince charming and if you dont meet their standards theres no use into putting effort into getting to know you. Woman in there 20s usually still have the fairy tale out look. You need to step away from these woman and find a woman thats on your page. Diamond in the rough. Taking 7 girls on dates isn't anything at least you got to the date part some people cant even get that far. You make it to the date part that means your 50% there she said when she could of said no which means she already likes you. Something happens during the date that tells these woman not to answer your calls. Anything can be a red flag to woman the way you smiled or didn't smile. The way you looked at her anything. You need to reevaluate the date part. Like I said leading up to the date is fine because you get them to go. Its during the date that sends red flags.

 

[Menorahman]

My advice: don't bother, women aren't worth it.