Hello

[Daisy59]

Hi

I am Daisy. I ended up here because I really need to say something to someone else and just can't do it to anyone I know. I ended up tapping the words "I'm Lonely" into Google and here I am.

I thought this was about as good a place as I am going to get to say out loud that I love someone who I could never say that to. I have become closer and closer to him over the last three years and it is now almost unbearable. He thinks I am one of his closest friends. I think he is everything.

He is going through a really, really hard time at the moment and keeps seeking me out to talk to and support him. I spent three hours with him last night and at the end he said "I love spending time with you. You make me feel happy." He has no idea that it is agony to be near him and not be able to tell him how I feel. I come home after seeing him and think of nothing else. When I am going to sleep I close my eyes and imagine him laying asleep on the other side of the bed. I am getting scarily good at that. I can almost feel his weight there.

He absentmindedly reached over and brushed a lash from my cheek last night without breaking his sentence. I almost cried. I had to pretend I needed the loo to give myself a minute.

He tells me he loves me all the time but I am under no illusion that he means as anything other than a friend. One of the things I love about him is his loyalty and unfortunately for me he shows that most of all to his girlfriend of 11 years, who he has a child with and is marrying next Spring. I am the person he comes to when he wants to say things that he feels might scare or worry her (she is going through the same hard time as him - its a family thing) and he protects her by using me to talk those things through with and say out loud how he feels about what is happening so that he can then go back to her and be supportive and optimistic.

I am so worried that as it gets harder and harder to deal with that I will end up blurting it out when I have had a drink. I actually can't believe I haven't done it already. It is always there, on the tip of my tongue. We were drunk together a month ago and spent ages acknowledging how important we had become to each other, minus one little fact from my side obviously. If I tell him, I lose him.

I need to stay away from him so that I try and get past it and perhaps meet someone that I could be with openly but that would mean not seeing him and I just can't do that to myself.

So that is that. Thanks for listening.

 

[Steel]

Hey, and welcome. Unfortunately, you know what it is you need to do, and while it doesn't mean you have to cut all contact with him - you also need to lstart living your own life.

Take care.

 

[Daisy59]

Hey, and welcome. Unfortunately, you know what it is you need to do, and while it doesn't mean you have to cut all contact with him - you also need to lstart living your own life.

Take care.

Yeah, I know. But instead of that I just agreed to go out with him on Sunday.

I am easily my own worst enemy.

Cheers though.

 

[Punisher]

Hi Daisy

 

[SophiaGrace]

That sounds like agony. I don't think I could hold my tongue for as long as I have.

Why in the world would you conciously torture yourself with someone that isn't available? It doesn't make sense.

There is someone else out there that will love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

Welcome to ALL.

 

[Thomas Crystalstick]

I don't know what to say that the members here haven't said already. I hope the pain in your heart is able to heal at the right time, and that you find satisfaction where it doesn't exist now. Take care of yourself and make the right decision.

 

[Daisy]

I just came back on here to find that post that I wrote and see how long ago it was. Nearly two years has passed and nothing has changed except for the fact that he got married five weeks ago and on Tuesday night he kissed me. We appear to be pretending that the kiss and the things he said to me on the phone afterwards didn't happen.

Now I have a whole new set of reasons to try and find a way to stay away from him. This time it is for the sake of his family. I can't help but feel a little bit good that I knew it wasn't all just in my head though! Still, enough.

 

[Daisy59]

Nearly another three years have gone by and I thought I'd update this post with what has happened this week. I seem to use my other posts as some sort of diary of my most emotionally charged times where he is concerned. Perhaps I should keep a diary generally.

I wonder if anyone reads these.

I tried to distance myself but we have to work so closely together that it is just impossible. We reached quite a nice place though where we were affectionate friends but the line stayed where it should be. About a year ago we got a bit drunk and ended up laughing about the time we kissed. That night was perhaps too affectionate so I felt the pain of being so close to him but him not being mine. We stayed on the right side of the line though. From then it has been how it should be - hard on my side but harder to not see him. He is blissfully unaware of how much it hurts me but that's how it was

That changed this week. We crossed the line so far that it pretty much stopped existing. We both had a pretty much simultaneous moment of clarity which stopped us in our tracks but enough distance had already been covered by then that it couldn't just be ignored this time. I called him this morning in the cold light of day and told him that we needed to talk. We met somewhere where we could talk privately but was still public and I told him that I loved him. I didn't tell him that so that he would say it back to me. I wanted to tell him what life was like for me as his friend. I said that how I felt was not his problem, it was mine and I was mostly able to deal with it. The times I found it too hard were when we stumbled out of our friendship and into something else. He needed to know that his little slips were the cause of pain for me.

He was amazing, as I knew he would be. He told me how much I mattered to him but acknowledged that there were limits to what he could offer me. He apologised, acknowledged my feelings and asked how we get back to just being me and him.

It feels amazing that he now knows how I feel. I have been lying to him for seven years and now I can stop doing that. It's pretty heartbreaking that I have effectively told the person I love that he must never kiss me again. It's for the best in so many ways though. I told him that if we can't work this as friends then I'll have to ask to have a different contact from his company because I wouldn't be able to keep seeing him.

Oddly whilst feeling a complete emotional mess at the moment (which I know will pass), I can't help but be happy that so many of my visualisations are now memories. Staring into his eyes with his head on the pillow next to mine won't be something I'll forget in a very long time.

I wonder what I will be saying in a few years. There is no possible happy ending so it won't be that.

 

[DVEUS]

daisy...i read your first post and this post...your story is heart-wrenching...i can't imagine what you are going through and have been going though for almost a decade...i feel so badly for you and wish that i could offer up some saving grace for you but i feel it would be to no avail

keep your chin up...you never know what the future holds

 

[Daisy59]

Thanks Dveeus.

I've just watched that bit in the film Love Actually when the guy who is love with his friend's wife tells her and then walks away saying "Enough. Enough now". I think that's where I am. I just need to meet someone I can love who is free to love me. It will happen. It's just taking a long time and I have no idea if that is because I am already in love with someone else. I need to stop that. It's never going to make me happy.

Back in two years to say I'm in love with someone amazing hopefully.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

I can't give you much advice (I've never been in a relationship) but I wish you all the best.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

I can't give you much advice (I've never been in a relationship) but I wish you all the best.

The same from me too.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Thanks Dveeus.

I've just watched that bit in the film Love Actually when the guy who is love with his friend's wife tells her and then walks away saying "Enough. Enough now". I think that's where I am. I just need to meet someone I can love who is free to love me. It will happen. It's just taking a long time and I have no idea if that is because I am already in love with someone else. I need to stop that. It's never going to make me happy.

Back in two years to say I'm in love with someone amazing hopefully.

I don't have anything to add, Daisy, but for some weird reason, I kinda feel you. *hugs*

Also, I just want to wish you good luck and I hope you can find someone to love who is free to love you back. And it'll be the most wonderful feeling you could ever imagine to feel.

 

[Lacrecia]

You have been quiet for so long! I am glad that at last you were able to be totally frank with him. Even though it might not change anything (though honeslty I doubt that), now at least you have a reason to move on. What I mean is that, as you said, you crossed the lines, so you may start to see for the first that there is really no hope left, since he already knows how you feel but he doesn't feel the same. Maybe by being frank with him, you are starting to move on...

I wish the best for you. Hopefully, you'll be able to find someone who shares your feelings for them

 

[Daisy59]

It has changed everything. Every conversation is so loaded now. I'm going to have to stop seeing him altogether I think. It's for the best anyway. It will hurt to not see him but it hurts when i do and at least if I stop there is a chance of progress. The only progress at the moment is in how much it hurts each time something happens. I also don't think it is just a coincidence that I've been single for as long as we've been friends. I need to see past him to recognise who else might be out there.

Time to cut the rope and see where I land. It's just going to be complicated to do that without telling everyone around us what has been going on. We are famous for being thick as thieves. It will take a little creativity perhaps.

Thanks for the responses folks. It's good to be heard.

 

[gabriel20]

Hi Daisy,read your posts. Had same problem years ago. I was in love with a friend,a girl who only ever saw me as "the Brother she never had" I was always there as her shoulder to cry on. Fell in love with her the moment I met her. We were really,really close friends, but could never tell her how I felt. Finally did tell her after four years of going through hell watching her go out with other guys,and have her cry on my shoulder when she split with them.She said that she never wanted to see me again,and that she couldn't trust me ever again,that I had betrayed her trust,and that we were supposed to be friends. She said she never wanted to see me ever again. I died that day. Something inside just died. Went into autopilot, just drudged through life,locked myself away in my room,that lasted about three years,I moved to another town,I've never laid eyes on her from the day she said she ever wanted to see me again ,that's been thirty one years,and it still hurts. Am I still in love with her? God,yes,always will be. The only advice I can give you Daisy,if you can call it advice,is don't stop loving him,but move on with your life. Try and find a bit of happiness in your life.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

Hi Daisy,read your posts. Had same problem years ago. I was in love with a friend,a girl who only ever saw me as "the Brother she never had" I was always there as her shoulder to cry on. Fell in love with her the moment I met her. We were really,really close friends, but could never tell her how I felt. Finally did tell her after four years of going through hell watching her go out with other guys,and have her cry on my shoulder when she split with them.She said that she never wanted to see me again,and that she couldn't trust me ever again,that I had betrayed her trust,and that we were supposed to be friends. She said she never wanted to see me ever again. I died that day. Something inside just died. Went into autopilot, just drudged through life,locked myself away in my room,that lasted about three years,I moved to another town,I've never laid eyes on her from the day she said she ever wanted to see me again ,that's been thirty one years,and it still hurts. Am I still in love with her? God,yes,always will be. The only advice I can give you Daisy,if you can call it advice,is don't stop loving him,but move on with your life. Try and find a bit of happiness in your life.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear about that gabriel. I don't understand how or why she would ever do something like that. It doesn't make any sense. All I can say, is she wasn't a very good friend to you.

 

[Daisy]

I don't know what led me to logging on tonight, but here I am. I've had a night out with some friends from work but then heard an update about a friend who has fought various cancers in the last 15 or so years and it's apparent she is now reaching the end of what she can do. I am sitting listening to records the way I did as a teenager - headphones on loud, cover in my hands and my feed up - and I'm reminded how much of our lives need to be actively lived.

He and I remain friends. I no longer act as his confident and the line is never crossed. Our hugs have depth but I know, feel and accept the affection given. I rarely dream of more and I shake it off within ten minutes if happens. I'm still entirely single but that can't last forever. Can it?