Estreen
Well-known member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2008
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The only thing I want this year, is to be able to spend it with my boyfriend. However, he lives in London, England. I have an interview on Monday to see if I'll get this seasonal job with UPS. If I do, that means I'd work up til around Christmas, maybe even longer if they decide to keep me on. On the other hand, I'd like to work up until then, then a few days before Christmas, catch a plane over there and spend Christmas with him and his family. My family doesn't make an overly big deal about it, and it just feels more like a hassle with going from one house to the next, opening some presents and being at semi-awkward family gatherings. I really tend to feel a sort've lack in that "togetherness" feeling. When I was a kid, it was different. It was all about Santa and stockings and decorations and what new toys I'd find under the tree and picking out the tree, etc, but ever since I grew up, its just...missing that feeling, except for last year. My parents and I went down to my sister's and had a big family thing, which felt great compared to the norm.
Right now, my parents are about to go on a road job, a few states over (about 2-2.5 hours away by car) and they won't get back til a few days before Christmas. So there'll be no picking out a tree, putting up decorations together, listening to Christmas music; whatever. Just the opening presents part, which frankly, I don't really care about as I don't really want much, and whatever I do want, I'd just as soon get myself. I like Christmas for the feeling and spirit of it. So I probably sound corny and naive, but that is the way I feel. The one day/time of the year for me where I get to have that little family togetherness feeling. The one day where it should be expected for people fortunate enough to have families. This is a major reason for me wanting to go over to London and spend it with my boyfriend. Not to mention that we only pretty much see each other once a year anyway, and after being together for over 4 years we've yet to spend even one holiday together. Plus, with me starting college in March...the next 2-3 years I won't be able to go over there at all. It'll be school, work, and maintain my own apartment. I won't have the time or means to go over there after March. (Not to mention paying for college by that point).
Anyway, sorry, I know this post is getting long, but I kinda had to explain that all first before going into why I'm upset, otherwise some of it may not make sense.
It's like this: My dad really doesn't want me to go, and would rather see me work here (where I live) until college rather than work up til Christmas, take two weeks off to go see my boyfriend, then come back in January and work on finding a job and apartment near my college for when I start school in March. My mom would rather see me stay, is scared to have me go over there by myself, and probably feels the same as my dad regarding the job thing. My boyfriend's mom (which this I found out through him, not directly from her) doesn't feel comfortable, because she and my dad keep in contact and she knows how he feels about it and my boyfriend was (when I just asked him on his opinion on it) saying how he really doesn't want to see his mom have all that stress and pressure put on her. I don't really get why she'd feel "put in the middle of it" when it's nothing to do with her. So she talks to my dad, so what? It's not like he's gonna go off and blame her or something. It's my choice and my decision, not hers, my parents', or anyone else's. I'm tired of doing what I'm told or what's "right"....I'm in this very weird part of life where I'm an adult but yet I feel indebted to my parents because I still live with them, so I can't go too much against them, so in turn it makes me feel like a kid at times. A kid with bills and responsibilities.
Whatever I do, I've always wanted approval from my parents and never wanted to do something that they couldn't emotionally support me on. I'm always the one to play by the rules, never take a chance, and this time, I really thought that this was my time to follow my heart and take that chance, but even my own boyfriend doesn't seem too into it himself. Said it seems like a lot of trouble just for that, and if he doesn't even seem to care that much about it....then why should I try to fight it anymore? It's all I literally want for Christmas, and if I'm gonna be stuck here again, then I don't really see a point in celebrating this year when my parents won't even be in the mood much for it. So it looks like I might just be canceling Christmas for myself.
(Sorry for the long post, I tried not to ramble too much)
Right now, my parents are about to go on a road job, a few states over (about 2-2.5 hours away by car) and they won't get back til a few days before Christmas. So there'll be no picking out a tree, putting up decorations together, listening to Christmas music; whatever. Just the opening presents part, which frankly, I don't really care about as I don't really want much, and whatever I do want, I'd just as soon get myself. I like Christmas for the feeling and spirit of it. So I probably sound corny and naive, but that is the way I feel. The one day/time of the year for me where I get to have that little family togetherness feeling. The one day where it should be expected for people fortunate enough to have families. This is a major reason for me wanting to go over to London and spend it with my boyfriend. Not to mention that we only pretty much see each other once a year anyway, and after being together for over 4 years we've yet to spend even one holiday together. Plus, with me starting college in March...the next 2-3 years I won't be able to go over there at all. It'll be school, work, and maintain my own apartment. I won't have the time or means to go over there after March. (Not to mention paying for college by that point).
Anyway, sorry, I know this post is getting long, but I kinda had to explain that all first before going into why I'm upset, otherwise some of it may not make sense.
It's like this: My dad really doesn't want me to go, and would rather see me work here (where I live) until college rather than work up til Christmas, take two weeks off to go see my boyfriend, then come back in January and work on finding a job and apartment near my college for when I start school in March. My mom would rather see me stay, is scared to have me go over there by myself, and probably feels the same as my dad regarding the job thing. My boyfriend's mom (which this I found out through him, not directly from her) doesn't feel comfortable, because she and my dad keep in contact and she knows how he feels about it and my boyfriend was (when I just asked him on his opinion on it) saying how he really doesn't want to see his mom have all that stress and pressure put on her. I don't really get why she'd feel "put in the middle of it" when it's nothing to do with her. So she talks to my dad, so what? It's not like he's gonna go off and blame her or something. It's my choice and my decision, not hers, my parents', or anyone else's. I'm tired of doing what I'm told or what's "right"....I'm in this very weird part of life where I'm an adult but yet I feel indebted to my parents because I still live with them, so I can't go too much against them, so in turn it makes me feel like a kid at times. A kid with bills and responsibilities.
Whatever I do, I've always wanted approval from my parents and never wanted to do something that they couldn't emotionally support me on. I'm always the one to play by the rules, never take a chance, and this time, I really thought that this was my time to follow my heart and take that chance, but even my own boyfriend doesn't seem too into it himself. Said it seems like a lot of trouble just for that, and if he doesn't even seem to care that much about it....then why should I try to fight it anymore? It's all I literally want for Christmas, and if I'm gonna be stuck here again, then I don't really see a point in celebrating this year when my parents won't even be in the mood much for it. So it looks like I might just be canceling Christmas for myself.
(Sorry for the long post, I tried not to ramble too much)