S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I swear, if I have to look at the smiley of the guy with the club bashing another smiley one more time...while I am writing this, I am going to....
AHH!
My nerves are shot writing this. There. I hid the little bugger by minimizing my screen and moving the smilies out of view.
I feel restless. It is way past my bed-time but I can't sleep because I am tossing and turning. It's driving me nuts. I can't lay still, i think it's a side effect of my anti-depressant.
If this side effect doesn't go away, i might have to stop taking it.
I don't know why i am writing this, it's not really a complaint, just me writing down my thoughts since nowadays I so rarely tell people what is going on in my head. I don't feel safe enough to do it anymore. I care about what people think, because it affects me very ill when they think badly or poorly of me. So I just keep my mouth shut, to conserve other people's emotional states.
I consider this polite to do so.
I miss someone I love. I haven't talked to them in 14 days, and it's driving me nuts. I feel half-pathetic that it is driving me nuts, I wish I could just say "oh well, I havent talked to them in a few days, so what?"
I hate being vulnerable and letting people in. I let them in, and I know if I never speak to them again or if things go badly, that I'll think about them for months afterwards.
Such is the cost to thwart loneliness though.
So, I accept this price, because the price of loneliness is worse in some ways. I guess it depends on the person I fall in love with though. If i chose the wrong person, loneliness might be better than being with them, but knowing how I am, nine times out of ten it would be better for me to be with someone.
I get the feeling that most people do not derive their self esteem from relationships. Where does it come from then? Their jobs? The way they dress? Self-respect? If people can derive their identity from their jobs, then, why not from relationships. Though I admit that I think that people who derive their identity from relationships are much more likely to develop an abusive relationship for some reason.
I am one of those people who, if they are not in a relationship, feel empty inside. I dislike this feeling of emptiness, I've googled it before and it seems to come up with borderline personality disorder and depression. Which, i find...interesting, but nothing more.
I wish I could sleep but I can't. At least not now.
No one is going to read this block of text. lol
Oh well,
I keep thinking of the place where I had my writing workshop. The little courtyard alley-way, lined with restaurants...and the occasional vagrant. It had bricks instead of concrete slabs. Red bricks. And I'm remembering a friend I made there and how her hair was black, and how she has to go work in Germany soon.
My mind is skipping around.
I won't see my psychologist before I go back to college.
I hope college is better for me this time around. I really do.
AHH!
My nerves are shot writing this. There. I hid the little bugger by minimizing my screen and moving the smilies out of view.
I feel restless. It is way past my bed-time but I can't sleep because I am tossing and turning. It's driving me nuts. I can't lay still, i think it's a side effect of my anti-depressant.
If this side effect doesn't go away, i might have to stop taking it.
I don't know why i am writing this, it's not really a complaint, just me writing down my thoughts since nowadays I so rarely tell people what is going on in my head. I don't feel safe enough to do it anymore. I care about what people think, because it affects me very ill when they think badly or poorly of me. So I just keep my mouth shut, to conserve other people's emotional states.
I consider this polite to do so.
I miss someone I love. I haven't talked to them in 14 days, and it's driving me nuts. I feel half-pathetic that it is driving me nuts, I wish I could just say "oh well, I havent talked to them in a few days, so what?"
I hate being vulnerable and letting people in. I let them in, and I know if I never speak to them again or if things go badly, that I'll think about them for months afterwards.
Such is the cost to thwart loneliness though.
So, I accept this price, because the price of loneliness is worse in some ways. I guess it depends on the person I fall in love with though. If i chose the wrong person, loneliness might be better than being with them, but knowing how I am, nine times out of ten it would be better for me to be with someone.
I get the feeling that most people do not derive their self esteem from relationships. Where does it come from then? Their jobs? The way they dress? Self-respect? If people can derive their identity from their jobs, then, why not from relationships. Though I admit that I think that people who derive their identity from relationships are much more likely to develop an abusive relationship for some reason.
I am one of those people who, if they are not in a relationship, feel empty inside. I dislike this feeling of emptiness, I've googled it before and it seems to come up with borderline personality disorder and depression. Which, i find...interesting, but nothing more.
I wish I could sleep but I can't. At least not now.
No one is going to read this block of text. lol
Oh well,
I keep thinking of the place where I had my writing workshop. The little courtyard alley-way, lined with restaurants...and the occasional vagrant. It had bricks instead of concrete slabs. Red bricks. And I'm remembering a friend I made there and how her hair was black, and how she has to go work in Germany soon.
My mind is skipping around.
I won't see my psychologist before I go back to college.
I hope college is better for me this time around. I really do.