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So be forwarned I am writing this while in a down mood. So that means everything might be in bullet points because i tend to type less when depressed.

I think school starts for me on Monday. How frightening!

I'm anxious. :(

I got 100 pages into Night Chills by Dean Koontz today. I got sick of it after a while, and started to just listen to my ipod. Then i started listening to the beginning of Mein Kampf (I have it on audio book) while riding in the car on the way home from the airport.

No more arizona. I am home now.

Maybe I will post some scenery pictures here from arizona though. That'll probably happen tomorrow.

If i don't decide to drink this frappucino and stay up all night so i can re-adjust my ******* biological rhythms in time for school. I really want a steady bed-time for school.

I've been feeling more depressed as the deadline for school draws nearer, i mean, my return to it.

I guess i am not lying to myself this time about my return. It is going ot be hard, there's no way around it.

So I guess on monday I will not allow myself to have any internet-time until 7 pm. This is going to drive me up the wall. I feel pathetic just typing that I have to do this so I can get through college. But hey, lots of people have never been to college and have never gotten through it so maybe trying to get through it is...well...admirable?

I hope so.

I am so full of honeysuckle sometimes you guys. I say I don't care about others...well...sometimes I feel like that. Like I don't care. I feel all numb inside, as though one person is exactly like another person and if i lose one person from my life that someone else will replace that person, so why worry about offending someone or not hearing from them if i can replace them? Why worry if people are replaceable?

It helps me not to get too hung up on any one person, though I think it might discourage other people from emotionally investing in me if they knew this. I also think i am full of bullcrap on this. lol, i do care, i just need to feel safe. Like, if someone said "If you left, i would miss you for years." that gives me permission to care more about them.

oh hell, i don't know. Just rambling thoughts here. I know they contradict. I am probably just justifying honeysuckle.

My Uncle and Aunt that live in Arizona are Christian Fundamentalists. I don't know if i have already said that, but they are. It kind of makes me jealous in a way, just, how their family seems so functional and loving. There are so many families out there that aren't like that. That're dysfunctional in one way or another. *sigh*

It's so hard to quantify what dysfunctional families and relationships consist of vs. healthy loving ones. I mean, someone could write me out a list and say, here's the difference, but to really know i would have to feel that for myself, right?

drink the frappucino...should i? Should I drink it? hmm. o.o

I can't decide.

I think I'll end the entry on this note.







 
So, i drank the frap, then i fell asleep at 2 am. Go. Me. :p

Today I have another psychologist appointment and I go back to school on Monday. What am I going to talk with my psychologist about I wonder. Probably will talk with her about my feelings about returning to college.

I am on page 150 of Night Chills by Dean Koontz now.

Mom is picking up the car from the dealership right now and then either she is picking me up and taking me to my appointment or I will be driving myself. I'm not sure which will occur.

I still need to unpack from Arizona, even though I tossed everything that was in my suitcase into my two hampers according to colors. There's also the matter of the pictures from arizona which I want to upload. That'll get done sometime today as well.

I think i will not try to drink caffeine again, and just force myself to bed at 8pm. Then force myself to wake up at 5 am. I must get back on my sleeping schedule.

I hope i still have my room-assignment with my room-mate. I am so very glad to have a room mate this semester instead of sitting alone in a dorm room. I think it'll help a lot. That and, keeping to my sleep schedule and keeping off electronics every day until 7 pm. (except for fridays immediately after school and saturdays).

Well, i better get down to the mud-room bench to sit there until my mom gets back with the car. Bye for now everyone.


 
So, it's the next day.

I am now on page.... 230 of night chills by dean koontz.

And, i've unpacked, reset my alarm clock and put my suitcases away from arizona.

Now I have to do my laundry and repack in order to go to school on Sunday. More good news, I have financial aid this semester. :D

I hope i do well in school.

In about 5 or so minutes i go to see my aunt, visit with her one last time before I go to college. When I get back from that, I help my mom take the rental-car back to the dealership. (we had our only car fixed recently from when I backed into a mailbox with it some months back. Oops..... :S)

I'm not a very good driver.

 
I am thinking about fakeness.

People always act as though being fake is a bad thing. I feel fake right now, being so nice to everyone, being funny, when really I want to be mean.

I know that sounds bad, but I think to myself that I would rather be a fake nice than just be mean to people and snap at them irritably (which is what I want to do right now).

So is being fake always so bad? Don't professionals act fake when they deal with customers?
 
I am thinking, 1) I am horny.

Sorry if that is TMI. I won't go into any more details besides that.

Also, I am thinking how sad it is that people we are closest to take us for granted. I think blackhole mentioned this in one of his posts today. I agree, though it makes me feel disheartened and sad to think that this is true.

Tomorrow is my first day of class at college.
 
I think I suffer from anxiety. When my psychiatrist gave me a medication for my depression, he said "this will make you stop worrying so much about your future."

*sigh* lol

First day of school today. :)
 
rivermaze said:
but you're great and so many people like you, so please don't be
*a hero is coming*
Click to expand...

I don't think I am great obviously but thanks for trying to cheer me up.

I have stuff I have to deal with I guess.

*hug*
 
A few nights ago I had a dream in which I was a guy. It was a strange dream but I can recall a dream where I thought I was an alien so being a guy in a dream isn't really that far of a stretch compared to that.

I also stuttered today in 2 classes. I would raise my hand and then my thoughts which I wanted to express would evaporate, leaving me stuttering. It's like some strange form of performance anxiety sans sex.

My abnormal psych class is awesome. I am going to do good in that class I feel.

That's all I wanted to say.

 
So,

Halfway through my abnormal psych homework.

I haven't been feeling that well lately emotionally, lots of ups and downs. *sad face*

But I wanted to write about something, maybe someone will comment on this, maybe not.

Have you ever met anyone you could be yourself around? I never knew how much I faked myself around people (well maybe I did and it caused me pain because I wanted to be accepted for who I was emotionally), until I met someone I could be myself around. It's a nice feeling let me tell you.

Is this what best-friendship feels like?

 
I've met someone like you described and I call them my best friend.

I can't imagine any better feeling :)

Congrats!

PS and don't try to delete this post. I have already made a backup :)
 
So, I have made a friend here at college who I like a lot.

She actually reminded me of Callie, otherwise i would not have approached her at all.

Funny thing is, I was introduced to her when she thought she was my room mate, but i knew i already had a room mate. So i got confused. Turns out she wasn't my room mate but was in the room next to me.

So, i go to register and get introduced further to her when she pulls down her pants a little to show me her tattoo and i'm like aghast and horrified so I quickly cover my eyes like "wtf are you doing?!"

Then i catch her telling her friend "I have a lot of toys" and i sign to her "what KIND of toys?" This made her blush and she said "Not THOSE kinds of toys, like super nintendo"

Then i just started hanging out with her in her room, she left me alone with her macbook air one time when i was borrowing it saying to me "i trust you. you can stay in here with it while i am gone." and i looked at her like she was ******* crazy because I felt like we had just met and she's trusting me with something i think is very expensive.

Tonight I was coming back from class and I flip her light switch as i usually do when i am walking by her room. The light switch i am referring to is like a door-bell, only for those that are hard of hearing. it flashes the lights in our dorm rooms. And she opens her door, and I see that she has pressed the other bed up against her own (since she was never assigned a room mate) and is trying to fit a sheet onto it. So i drop my backpack on her floor and start helping her. Meanwhile she is cutting the elastic, cursing at it, trying to make it fit (even though I keep telling her she should go back to the store and exchange it for a king-size sheet). In the middle of this she screams "AHH! I CUT MYSELF!" and I give her this horrified look, then she bursts into laughter telling me she just wanted to see that look on my face, and i laugh too.

After this, I go and get pins from my room to try to hold her sheet down. Anyways, we eventually got it to stay and after-wards were sitting on her floor. I was playing with her slinkie, while she was pawing through one of the drawers underneath her bed. As I was watching her she pulled out a hospital bracelet. I asked her "what's that?"

"oh, that's from when i overdosed."

"Why did you overdose?"

"because i was depressed."

then she added quickly "but i'm better now."

"I'm on prozac, i understand" I said,

"We're going to be friends." she responded with a smile.

"I thought we already were."

"Oh we were, just..." (I think she meant better friends)

Then she continued to paw through the drawer, as i watched her with curiousity, then she pulled out a small box with lots of threads in it "Pick out 3 threads of a different color. I like making bracelets for my friends."

So i picked out 3 colors.

Then later, i asked to borrow her shampoo because mine was stolen and she gave me hers to borrow, then insisted i keep it because I needed it.

This interaction made my day. :)

 
Awwww, Soph! I'm so happy for you! :D I hope everything goes well, and you continue to be good friends. That's so awesome!
 
So guess what guys. I just applied to be a Staff Writer at my school newspaper.

I hope I am not taking on too much. I was just sitting here thinking it would look good on my resume if I was able to say that I did that. The more work experience the better...
 

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