S
SophiaGrace
Guest
So be forwarned I am writing this while in a down mood. So that means everything might be in bullet points because i tend to type less when depressed.
I think school starts for me on Monday. How frightening!
I'm anxious.
I got 100 pages into Night Chills by Dean Koontz today. I got sick of it after a while, and started to just listen to my ipod. Then i started listening to the beginning of Mein Kampf (I have it on audio book) while riding in the car on the way home from the airport.
No more arizona. I am home now.
Maybe I will post some scenery pictures here from arizona though. That'll probably happen tomorrow.
If i don't decide to drink this frappucino and stay up all night so i can re-adjust my ******* biological rhythms in time for school. I really want a steady bed-time for school.
I've been feeling more depressed as the deadline for school draws nearer, i mean, my return to it.
I guess i am not lying to myself this time about my return. It is going ot be hard, there's no way around it.
So I guess on monday I will not allow myself to have any internet-time until 7 pm. This is going to drive me up the wall. I feel pathetic just typing that I have to do this so I can get through college. But hey, lots of people have never been to college and have never gotten through it so maybe trying to get through it is...well...admirable?
I hope so.
I am so full of honeysuckle sometimes you guys. I say I don't care about others...well...sometimes I feel like that. Like I don't care. I feel all numb inside, as though one person is exactly like another person and if i lose one person from my life that someone else will replace that person, so why worry about offending someone or not hearing from them if i can replace them? Why worry if people are replaceable?
It helps me not to get too hung up on any one person, though I think it might discourage other people from emotionally investing in me if they knew this. I also think i am full of bullcrap on this. lol, i do care, i just need to feel safe. Like, if someone said "If you left, i would miss you for years." that gives me permission to care more about them.
oh hell, i don't know. Just rambling thoughts here. I know they contradict. I am probably just justifying honeysuckle.
My Uncle and Aunt that live in Arizona are Christian Fundamentalists. I don't know if i have already said that, but they are. It kind of makes me jealous in a way, just, how their family seems so functional and loving. There are so many families out there that aren't like that. That're dysfunctional in one way or another. *sigh*
It's so hard to quantify what dysfunctional families and relationships consist of vs. healthy loving ones. I mean, someone could write me out a list and say, here's the difference, but to really know i would have to feel that for myself, right?
drink the frappucino...should i? Should I drink it? hmm. o.o
I can't decide.
I think I'll end the entry on this note.
I think school starts for me on Monday. How frightening!
I'm anxious.
I got 100 pages into Night Chills by Dean Koontz today. I got sick of it after a while, and started to just listen to my ipod. Then i started listening to the beginning of Mein Kampf (I have it on audio book) while riding in the car on the way home from the airport.
No more arizona. I am home now.
Maybe I will post some scenery pictures here from arizona though. That'll probably happen tomorrow.
If i don't decide to drink this frappucino and stay up all night so i can re-adjust my ******* biological rhythms in time for school. I really want a steady bed-time for school.
I've been feeling more depressed as the deadline for school draws nearer, i mean, my return to it.
I guess i am not lying to myself this time about my return. It is going ot be hard, there's no way around it.
So I guess on monday I will not allow myself to have any internet-time until 7 pm. This is going to drive me up the wall. I feel pathetic just typing that I have to do this so I can get through college. But hey, lots of people have never been to college and have never gotten through it so maybe trying to get through it is...well...admirable?
I hope so.
I am so full of honeysuckle sometimes you guys. I say I don't care about others...well...sometimes I feel like that. Like I don't care. I feel all numb inside, as though one person is exactly like another person and if i lose one person from my life that someone else will replace that person, so why worry about offending someone or not hearing from them if i can replace them? Why worry if people are replaceable?
It helps me not to get too hung up on any one person, though I think it might discourage other people from emotionally investing in me if they knew this. I also think i am full of bullcrap on this. lol, i do care, i just need to feel safe. Like, if someone said "If you left, i would miss you for years." that gives me permission to care more about them.
oh hell, i don't know. Just rambling thoughts here. I know they contradict. I am probably just justifying honeysuckle.
My Uncle and Aunt that live in Arizona are Christian Fundamentalists. I don't know if i have already said that, but they are. It kind of makes me jealous in a way, just, how their family seems so functional and loving. There are so many families out there that aren't like that. That're dysfunctional in one way or another. *sigh*
It's so hard to quantify what dysfunctional families and relationships consist of vs. healthy loving ones. I mean, someone could write me out a list and say, here's the difference, but to really know i would have to feel that for myself, right?
drink the frappucino...should i? Should I drink it? hmm. o.o
I can't decide.
I think I'll end the entry on this note.