Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Truth be told I think I am doing slightly better, since last year I was on a suicide forum. This year I am not. I got help.
Hopefully I can improve more.
I think what nietzche is trying to express is unconditional positive regard for me? Or love?
My brain doesn't compute this very well, since I can't feel it for myself, but I think its very rare among human beings and thus should be treasured.
I think limlim has expressed this sentiment more than once, why do I keep forgetting this?
Hopefully I can improve more.
I think what nietzche is trying to express is unconditional positive regard for me? Or love?
My brain doesn't compute this very well, since I can't feel it for myself, but I think its very rare among human beings and thus should be treasured.
I think limlim has expressed this sentiment more than once, why do I keep forgetting this?
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Rosalyn said:Me miss you too...
<3
So in a few hours my dad will be visiting with me. I am tired. I need to clean up my room. I want a nap. I want a shower. I need to do my homework. I don't have time for all of this.
Tired. I'm tired a lot lately. it's probably due to stress.
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Soi have discovered that I am terrified to get close to people offline.
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SophiaGrace
Guest
This is me, hiding in my hoodie.
Missing a girl I talked to every day from April-August. I miss her. It's not easy to get me to spend every day talking to someone. That's...a feat..at least for me, and probably for other people too. Somehow I don't think she understood that. I dream of her sometimes. In the last dream I had of her, she was sitting on a low brick wall. that's all I can remember.
My signature is dedicated to Luna btw. I doubt she'll ever see it and I doubt I will ever take it down. It doesn't feel like it should be taken down. I don't know why. It feels like how ...M___'s death felt. Taking it down would be like erasing her, which I refuse to do. It feels like she died, and, I guess, in a way, she did, by her absence in my life.
It's nice to be able to miss people, to be able to feel that. We all need to feel it from time to time, just, not drown in it i guess. I don't want to drown in it, and I don't think anyone else does either. I did drown once in grief, but i didn't like that much. It felt too scary. Like I was losing control. Like there was no bottom to things. No rock bottom, just down and down and down...you know?
I did a funny thing the other day. There's this boy at school that likes me, he has hugged me a few times and gives me awkward smiles (that's how I know he likes me). But, i run away from him. Like, th eother day, i saw him walking into my dorm and i knew he was taking the elevator, so I decided I was going to take the stairs just so I co uld avoid him. But then, i stopped at the foot of the stairs thinking "this is ridiculous, he's not going to bite me." so I went back over to the elevator. He wasn't there, so I took the elevator alone. It almost sounds like a sort of social phobia, which is ridiculous. The guy has never done anything wrong to me, why should I fear him? I can be nice to him can't i? talk to him? Instead of running away? Maybe it's not a social phobia, maybe I just don't like him. Or, maybe I am developing a fear of being emotionally intimate with people. With progressing past the aquaintance stage.
I do this with other people too. Like this girl that is my friend, i never text her or hang out with her, even though we are friends. I do hang out with this fellow named Eugene (not his real name), and help him with his homework, but only because he sits beside me in the computer lab and asks me for help. "oh soph, i just don't know what to do with my homework, can you help me?" <= him. lol, he doesn't actually say this to me, but that's what i imagine he says to me when he asks me for help with his homework. lol
I don't know. People scare me. I have too many nightmares where I am running away from people, and it's finally manifested in my waking world.
I'm probably too used to being alone. I perpetuate my own aloneness. I'm scared (and here is where I laugh at myself.).
I just finished the third book in the Abarat series. I had been waiting for it for 6 years. Such a long time to wait for the book. The author paints every illustration in it with oils first. I wish he would hurry up. At this rate, I'll be 30 before he finishes if I am lucky, and I started reading the series when i was 16. I'm 22 now.
I wonder if some of the people on here are lonely because they can't stand the silence of their own heads. I think I am one of those people. I need to talk to others to drown out the aloneness, the...singleness of my mind in this vast universe.
I'm hungry, for dinner. *tummy rumbles* heh, it distracted me. Bye for now everyone.
Missing a girl I talked to every day from April-August. I miss her. It's not easy to get me to spend every day talking to someone. That's...a feat..at least for me, and probably for other people too. Somehow I don't think she understood that. I dream of her sometimes. In the last dream I had of her, she was sitting on a low brick wall. that's all I can remember.
My signature is dedicated to Luna btw. I doubt she'll ever see it and I doubt I will ever take it down. It doesn't feel like it should be taken down. I don't know why. It feels like how ...M___'s death felt. Taking it down would be like erasing her, which I refuse to do. It feels like she died, and, I guess, in a way, she did, by her absence in my life.
It's nice to be able to miss people, to be able to feel that. We all need to feel it from time to time, just, not drown in it i guess. I don't want to drown in it, and I don't think anyone else does either. I did drown once in grief, but i didn't like that much. It felt too scary. Like I was losing control. Like there was no bottom to things. No rock bottom, just down and down and down...you know?
I did a funny thing the other day. There's this boy at school that likes me, he has hugged me a few times and gives me awkward smiles (that's how I know he likes me). But, i run away from him. Like, th eother day, i saw him walking into my dorm and i knew he was taking the elevator, so I decided I was going to take the stairs just so I co uld avoid him. But then, i stopped at the foot of the stairs thinking "this is ridiculous, he's not going to bite me." so I went back over to the elevator. He wasn't there, so I took the elevator alone. It almost sounds like a sort of social phobia, which is ridiculous. The guy has never done anything wrong to me, why should I fear him? I can be nice to him can't i? talk to him? Instead of running away? Maybe it's not a social phobia, maybe I just don't like him. Or, maybe I am developing a fear of being emotionally intimate with people. With progressing past the aquaintance stage.
I do this with other people too. Like this girl that is my friend, i never text her or hang out with her, even though we are friends. I do hang out with this fellow named Eugene (not his real name), and help him with his homework, but only because he sits beside me in the computer lab and asks me for help. "oh soph, i just don't know what to do with my homework, can you help me?" <= him. lol, he doesn't actually say this to me, but that's what i imagine he says to me when he asks me for help with his homework. lol
I don't know. People scare me. I have too many nightmares where I am running away from people, and it's finally manifested in my waking world.
I'm probably too used to being alone. I perpetuate my own aloneness. I'm scared (and here is where I laugh at myself.).
I just finished the third book in the Abarat series. I had been waiting for it for 6 years. Such a long time to wait for the book. The author paints every illustration in it with oils first. I wish he would hurry up. At this rate, I'll be 30 before he finishes if I am lucky, and I started reading the series when i was 16. I'm 22 now.
I wonder if some of the people on here are lonely because they can't stand the silence of their own heads. I think I am one of those people. I need to talk to others to drown out the aloneness, the...singleness of my mind in this vast universe.
I'm hungry, for dinner. *tummy rumbles* heh, it distracted me. Bye for now everyone.
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Its better to be single because you are afraid of people, than to be single because no one likes you. That's my conclusion. Its better to be single and not suffer the harms of another person than to allow a person to reach so far down inside you that it destroys you for a while. Its better to be single than allow yourself to get into a situation where a persons dark intentions can be revealed. Safe is better. Safe is also lonely. Safe is a double edged sword which both wounds and protects me.
I like a girl that lives very far away. across an ocean sort of far away. Yeah.
I am staying up far too late tonight just because I don't want to go to sleep. I will pay for this in the morning. Silly me. Silly silly me.
I managed to finish all my hw I wanted to tonight, I was pleased with myself for this. Next week is midterms and I have 2, 5 page papers due and 2 presentations. Wish me luck?
I like a girl that lives very far away. across an ocean sort of far away. Yeah.
I am staying up far too late tonight just because I don't want to go to sleep. I will pay for this in the morning. Silly me. Silly silly me.
I managed to finish all my hw I wanted to tonight, I was pleased with myself for this. Next week is midterms and I have 2, 5 page papers due and 2 presentations. Wish me luck?
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Here's a picture of me today:
So now marks another day of classes finished, though i still have Math tutoring to go to in an hour and a half. I keep waking up with bugbites still. You know what that means, bedbugs. They're still around. Those...bastards! Strangely I have gotten used to them and as gross as this sounds, i make sure i only get bugbites on my legs, so it's not as easy to scratch. I have gotten far too used to these bloody parasites.
Tonight I have to read a chapter to catch up, then i have to do a case study and read another chapter. fun times eh? It will be fun.
Oh, and, I am tired, but when am I not tired? Maybe I need a nap. Oh and I want to mail a book to Solace. Solace is a member on this forum, they haven't posted much but we keep in contact regularly through facebook, MSN messenger and snail mail. *smiles* The book is an autobiography of a man who grew up with deaf parents, he's called a CODA in the deaf world (Child of a Deaf Adult)
Here's a funny thing, even though I am not avoiding my homework I find myself avoiding other things, like emailing someone the dates of my thanksgiving break, emailing my psychologist, emailing someone else about my bug bites. I get the feeling that this prevents me from procrastinating on my homework for some reason? I'm not sure why?
I'm strange.
I haven't seen any of my friends today. Or maybe i've chased them all away by being too solitary. Somehow havin ga room mate seems to dispell a lot of my loneliness, even though I do feel hostility from my room mate at times and don't quite trust her.
So now marks another day of classes finished, though i still have Math tutoring to go to in an hour and a half. I keep waking up with bugbites still. You know what that means, bedbugs. They're still around. Those...bastards! Strangely I have gotten used to them and as gross as this sounds, i make sure i only get bugbites on my legs, so it's not as easy to scratch. I have gotten far too used to these bloody parasites.
Tonight I have to read a chapter to catch up, then i have to do a case study and read another chapter. fun times eh? It will be fun.
Oh, and, I am tired, but when am I not tired? Maybe I need a nap. Oh and I want to mail a book to Solace. Solace is a member on this forum, they haven't posted much but we keep in contact regularly through facebook, MSN messenger and snail mail. *smiles* The book is an autobiography of a man who grew up with deaf parents, he's called a CODA in the deaf world (Child of a Deaf Adult)
Here's a funny thing, even though I am not avoiding my homework I find myself avoiding other things, like emailing someone the dates of my thanksgiving break, emailing my psychologist, emailing someone else about my bug bites. I get the feeling that this prevents me from procrastinating on my homework for some reason? I'm not sure why?
I'm strange.
I haven't seen any of my friends today. Or maybe i've chased them all away by being too solitary. Somehow havin ga room mate seems to dispell a lot of my loneliness, even though I do feel hostility from my room mate at times and don't quite trust her.
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SophiaGrace
Guest
so I emailed the girl I lost contact with again, it sucks to talk to someone every day and then stop talking to them for a month. I hope we can restablish contact but I am not hopeful in the same breath.
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Dear Me.
You suck.
-Soph
You suck.
-Soph
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SophiaGrace
Guest
I am sleep deprived. Thank you midterm week.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/m/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
Thomas]
Well-known member
Sophia,
In regards to your first post, I think everyone here that's replied happily read everything you had to say because we can tell genuinely how you feel. I think it's really nice that you've opened up, not just in this thread, but in other threads I've seen dotted around the forum.
I'm a very closed book myself, and also find it very difficult to "let people in". I also know how it feels to not be able to speak to that person you love... It's been more than a year from this end =x
Keep your head up and believe in yourself! Everyone here feels for you, and I think can relate to how you feel in at least one way or more.
You write really well, it's always really nice to read your posts. Thank you.
I hope these empty emotionless words have some kind of meaning =x
In regards to your first post, I think everyone here that's replied happily read everything you had to say because we can tell genuinely how you feel. I think it's really nice that you've opened up, not just in this thread, but in other threads I've seen dotted around the forum.
I'm a very closed book myself, and also find it very difficult to "let people in". I also know how it feels to not be able to speak to that person you love... It's been more than a year from this end =x
Keep your head up and believe in yourself! Everyone here feels for you, and I think can relate to how you feel in at least one way or more.
You write really well, it's always really nice to read your posts. Thank you.
I hope these empty emotionless words have some kind of meaning =x
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Thomas] said:
Actually, your words don't sound as distant now.
Not sure why.
You're kind, thank you.
Thomas]
Well-known member
Omg, I'm a real live boy !!
You're welcome :shy:
You're welcome :shy:
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Rosalyn said:*snuggles Sophia...*
*nuzzles her*
<3
Thomas] said:Omg, I'm a real live boy !!
You're welcome :shy:
lol you were always alive. *hug*
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SophiaGrace
Guest
When I was a young girl I used to think that praying actually worked.
So i'd pray for my grandparents.
For my family.
Saying "God bless ____ and ____ and _____"
and i wish them happiness and joy.
I'd also sometimes pray to God to help me find my lost socks or to keep me safe.
Then i stopped believing in God.
I don't pray to him anymore at night before I go to bed. Nor do I pray to him when I lose my socks or when I am afraid of life.
The girl who I spent day after day, month after month being emotionally intimate on the computer isn't really responding to my emails very well. We are losing touch with one another. It's her choice i suppose. This always happens to me. This is why i hate liking people online, or at least one of the reasons. Liking people is always (usually) pointless. Gone are the days of idealistic love. It does not exist. Love is work. Relationships are work. Life is work.
I've learned though that it's not good to be a wall of stone. I'd rather be vulnerable than hurt people by being a stone. I guess, it's more painful for me to watch my own actions affect others negatively and cause them pain, than to be in pain myself, if that makes any sense. I don't know what that makes me. Caring? Stupid because i don't look after numero uno?
It's always something. If you have this strength, then this weakness appears. If you break down your former strength then there's a drawback to that.
bah.
So i'd pray for my grandparents.
For my family.
Saying "God bless ____ and ____ and _____"
and i wish them happiness and joy.
I'd also sometimes pray to God to help me find my lost socks or to keep me safe.
Then i stopped believing in God.
I don't pray to him anymore at night before I go to bed. Nor do I pray to him when I lose my socks or when I am afraid of life.
The girl who I spent day after day, month after month being emotionally intimate on the computer isn't really responding to my emails very well. We are losing touch with one another. It's her choice i suppose. This always happens to me. This is why i hate liking people online, or at least one of the reasons. Liking people is always (usually) pointless. Gone are the days of idealistic love. It does not exist. Love is work. Relationships are work. Life is work.
I've learned though that it's not good to be a wall of stone. I'd rather be vulnerable than hurt people by being a stone. I guess, it's more painful for me to watch my own actions affect others negatively and cause them pain, than to be in pain myself, if that makes any sense. I don't know what that makes me. Caring? Stupid because i don't look after numero uno?
It's always something. If you have this strength, then this weakness appears. If you break down your former strength then there's a drawback to that.
bah.
Thomas]
Well-known member
Remember that is just but one person =x Not everyone is going to randomly stop replying or put less effort in your emails. I can't say of course because I don't know this girl, but it doesn't sound like your fault to me...
Anyone here can clearly see you're not stone for sure. And this concept of "being stone" sounds like self defence, and it's something I'm very familiar with doing myself =x. In my opinion, try not to feel like you have to change who you want to be because you're afraid of hurting people... It sounds very noble, but I dunno... sounds like you might be over-reacting about it a little bit
I really don't know enough about you or the situation I guess, so sorry if this comes off as judgemental, it's not my aim Even if I did know you more, I'd hate to ever seem judgemental. But by "over-reacting", I mean I think you're being too hard on yourself. There are people here and everywhere who want you to smile :shy: . So smile!
Anyone here can clearly see you're not stone for sure. And this concept of "being stone" sounds like self defence, and it's something I'm very familiar with doing myself =x. In my opinion, try not to feel like you have to change who you want to be because you're afraid of hurting people... It sounds very noble, but I dunno... sounds like you might be over-reacting about it a little bit
I really don't know enough about you or the situation I guess, so sorry if this comes off as judgemental, it's not my aim
Even if I did know you more, I'd hate to ever seem judgemental. But by "over-reacting", I mean I think you're being too hard on yourself. There are people here and everywhere who want you to smile :shy: . So smile!
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SophiaGrace
Guest
Dear R_____,
I wanted to write you another email, but what's a girl to do when her emails aren't responded to? So I won't write you another email.
I wanted to say this to you:
Hi there again, felt like writing to you once more. I hope you don't mind all of these.
Lately I've been feeling under the weather. I barely made it to my classes yesterday and slept the rest of the day. I knew that I was wearing myself out, what with the not sleeping and working constantly.
I haven't been showering properly lately either. Heh. (This part I probably wouldn't have put in the email)
I've felt the despair I hated the last time I was in college creep up on me again. (Probably wouldn't have put this in thre either)
Today I feel like doing something though. Which is good. I feel rested now.
I need to stop abusing my body and respect it more.
I hope all is well with you and that the 2nd job isn't wearing you out too much.
With (unrequited) love,
Soph
I also wanted to write about kindness. In regards to this quality, this characteristic, I have noticed that those who suffer cruelty and abuse, are often those that are the most kind and gentle to others. There is something about having endured these things which brings about an appreciation of kindness and gentleness in others that wouldn't otherwise be there.
I appreciate these people so much. <3
I know it's just one person. I haven't lost sight of that, but i don't think it's bad to linger over someone. I think it shows an appreciation for them and a depth of feeling.
It is normally I that stops responding to emails. So i understand and am not that greatly grieved. It happens. It's just that I feel...a sense of...regret almost? that it had to happen between us?
So yeah, i will linger here a bit. Lingering isn't bad to me.
and hey, you might be able to see i am not stone now but I was before. Kinda numb and stuff. That wasn't fun. You weren't around for that part.
May i ask you something? You say I am afraid of hurting people, but what about you and your concern with coming off as judgmental? Doesn't that involve a desire not to hurt me by what you type to me?
I'm sorry if i seem to be over-reacting, but I guess that's just me. I don't like to cause pain in other people.
I wanted to write you another email, but what's a girl to do when her emails aren't responded to? So I won't write you another email.
I wanted to say this to you:
Hi there again, felt like writing to you once more. I hope you don't mind all of these.
Lately I've been feeling under the weather. I barely made it to my classes yesterday and slept the rest of the day. I knew that I was wearing myself out, what with the not sleeping and working constantly.
I haven't been showering properly lately either. Heh. (This part I probably wouldn't have put in the email)
I've felt the despair I hated the last time I was in college creep up on me again. (Probably wouldn't have put this in thre either)
Today I feel like doing something though. Which is good. I feel rested now.
I need to stop abusing my body and respect it more.
I hope all is well with you and that the 2nd job isn't wearing you out too much.
With (unrequited) love,
Soph
I also wanted to write about kindness. In regards to this quality, this characteristic, I have noticed that those who suffer cruelty and abuse, are often those that are the most kind and gentle to others. There is something about having endured these things which brings about an appreciation of kindness and gentleness in others that wouldn't otherwise be there.
I appreciate these people so much. <3
Thomas] said:Remember that is just but one person =x Not everyone is going to randomly stop replying or put less effort in your emails. I can't say of course because I don't know this girl, but it doesn't sound like your fault to me...
Anyone here can clearly see you're not stone for sure. And this concept of "being stone" sounds like self defence, and it's something I'm very familiar with doing myself =x. In my opinion, try not to feel like you have to change who you want to be because you're afraid of hurting people... It sounds very noble, but I dunno... sounds like you might be over-reacting about it a little bit
I really don't know enough about you or the situation I guess, so sorry if this comes off as judgemental, it's not my aim
I know it's just one person. I haven't lost sight of that, but i don't think it's bad to linger over someone. I think it shows an appreciation for them and a depth of feeling.
It is normally I that stops responding to emails. So i understand and am not that greatly grieved. It happens. It's just that I feel...a sense of...regret almost? that it had to happen between us?
So yeah, i will linger here a bit. Lingering isn't bad to me.
and hey, you might be able to see i am not stone now but I was before. Kinda numb and stuff. That wasn't fun. You weren't around for that part.
May i ask you something? You say I am afraid of hurting people, but what about you and your concern with coming off as judgmental? Doesn't that involve a desire not to hurt me by what you type to me?
I'm sorry if i seem to be over-reacting, but I guess that's just me. I don't like to cause pain in other people.
