Parental favoritism, and survival guilt

Some of us had awesome parents who really would love us no matter what. Some of us had abusive parents. Some of us just had mediocre parents. Some of us didn't even have someone to look to as a parental figure.
My two brothers were lucky- they have the kindest, sweetest, most loving mother in the whole world. She would always be on their side, they never argued. They had a ton in common, they could talk about anything together- all of their needs were always met to the very best of her ability, and they all looked after each other.

I, on the other hand, have a mother who never liked me very much. When I was seven years old, she would get so disgusted with that she'd refuse to even glance in my direction. I was always told that I was extremely selfish and mean and lazy and not lady-like enough, and I needed to change. No matter how hard I tried or how many different approaches I used, it all blew up in my face. It seemed that literally every other word I dared to speak in her presence risked getting me in some kind of huge trouble. Every word that came out of my mouth and every action I dared to perform was wrong in some way. And it wasn't because I was inherently just a failure and a letdown- no, she told me I could easily change all of that stuff if I wanted to, I just didn't because I was mean and wanted to hurt everyone.

Both those descriptions are of the same woman. Throughout my whole life, she's blatantly favored my brothers over me. I'm not talking "Oh boo hoo hoo, my brothers got all the cool toys and I didn't, she never came to my school play, she must not have loved me!". I mean I've been told to my face that I'm mean, selfish, lazy, have a lack of empathy, that my brothers are nicer than me, and even that she didn't care if I died. So basically, I know I'm the least favorite- family friends know I'm the least favorite, my brothers had ought to know I'm the least favorite.

I'm sorry for the long description, but I felt the need to lay down some background. Some parents have favorite and least favorite children, it's terrible, but that's the way it is. I'm not here to whine about my mom not liking me. What I actually wanted to say is, as heartbreaking as it is to know that you're the failure and the letdown and the disappointment, the part that really gets to me is that my mother has been pregnant a total of nine times- she only has three kids. The other six were miscarriages. And I feel like one of those kids should've made it instead of me. I've always thought that, if her other two children are so angelic and I'm a bad egg, maybe I was just the lone bad one in the batch and she got really unlucky. While I have a better relationship with my brothers than with my mother, it's still not great, and I feel like surely any of the other kids must've been a much better match for the family as a whole. I feel like I've stolen something from someone- like I stole the chance to live from my brothers and sisters who deserved it so much more than I did, and in doing so, stole the happiness that my family would've had by having one of them instead. I feel so guilty it brings me to tears. I'm born again Christian, I believe that they're all alive in Heaven, and I've prayed to God to ask them to forgive me. Do you guys think it's crazy to feel like this? If you're religious or otherwise believe in the afterlife, do you think they would be angry with me? I guess I probably sound like a nutjob, but I figure if I'm going to sound like a nutjob, the anonymity of the internet is the place to do so. In any case, thanks for reading my rant.

Tamaki said:

I've prayed to God to ask them to forgive me. Do you guys think it's crazy to feel like this? If you're religious or otherwise believe in the afterlife, do you think they would be angry with me? I guess I probably sound like a nutjob, but I figure if I'm going to sound like a nutjob, the anonymity of the internet is the place to do so. In any case, thanks for reading my rant.

Click to expand...

Why would they be angry with you? Because you lived and they didn't? It was what happened. You did not choose to live as they did not choose to die. It is what it is. No ones fault. You are as worthy to live as anyone else. The fact that you made it should be looked on as a blessing. There is a reason for your life.
As far as your mom goes, who knows whats going on there? Could be that you being a female, she had different expectations for you. I dont know. Sometimes it's cultual and the boys do get special treatment. Could be that she was jealous in some ways....bottom line is I dont know and perhaps you don't know. But her attitude towards you has nothing to do with who you are. The fact that you couldn't please her is not a direct reflection on you as a person...it's more of a reflection on her. Don't beat yourself up. Don't let someone else, even your mom, define who you are in your mind. You know who you are and where your heart is. Be gentle with yourself. I think you have had enough mistreatment from other people without doing that to yourself. You don't need forgiveness, you need encouragement and love. Shame on any parent who cant give that to a child.

Tamaki, I'm sorry you've experienced this. *hugs*

I know what you mean here. I'm living with one myself - my sister. She blatantly favouritises her son more than her daughter. And the person her daughter comes running to when she feels left out, is me because we share the same home, her dad doesn't live with us because they're divorced.

It's really heartbreaking because sometimes I hear my sister just outrightly show biasness between the both of them. The boy gets away with the same behaviour the girl gets punished for. She always tells me how unfair it is and how much she feels her mother doesn't love her. I actually foresee her coming up to me when she's a much older girl (now she's only 12) and telling me that she feels like she's born a mistake. We'll see when this comes.

I'm not sure if I can understand what it exactly feels like to be in your position or in my niece's position. Because I was the child doted on and my siblings were the bad apples as viewed by my late father. He had never hit me for punishment, but have done so many times with them. Sometimes I feel bad.... I feel like I'm not deserving and shouldn't be given the special treatment... but what could I have done as "his little girl"? I did grow up feeling badly for my siblings... and there were numerous times I tried to save them from being kicked out. I couldn't with my sister though, I was too young when she was kicked out. He just... disliked her so bad.. he wouldn't even let me see her. He almost did the same with my brother.. but I came to his defense.. and my dad actually listened to me.

Tamaki said:

Do you guys think it's crazy to feel like this? If you're religious or otherwise believe in the afterlife, do you think they would be angry with me?

Click to expand...

I don't think that it's crazy to feel the way you do. I think that it's normal to react the way you do.. and none of it is your fault nor should you feel guilty at all. Sometimes.. it's just the poor choices parents make or poor methods they use in bringing up their child. Favouritism is just another one of them, I feel.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm in a rambling mode at the moment. :\
Hope you will feel better though. *hugs*

Thanks to the both of you.

Honestly, I think she's at least somewhat sexist- generally speaking, she usually doesn't have as good an attitude towards women as she does to men. My brothers and I have a few friends who my mother pretty much considers to be her own kids. Three of them are boys, and she considers them all to be angels. The sole female is the only one she doesn't care for.

I'm all too familiar with the punishing-one-child-but-not-the-other thing. My brothers are doing something? That's fine, go right ahead, boys. I do the same thing? You horrible, disrespectful girl! I'm also the only one who's ever gotten hit (slap to the back of the head the day before my thirteenth birthday- that was the day she told me she didn't care if I died. The next day, my birthday, she pretty much said that it was my fault for making her hit me, but she forgave me now, so I should be happy. I think you can guess that that birthday was not a happy one.). It really does make you feel like you were a mistake, and that everybody would be so much happier without you. When I was little, before most of the trouble started (although we've had problems since I was five or six-ish), she would tell me how she always wanted a girl and she prayed and prayed for one. And I feel like she didn't get what she wanted- I had the correct anatomy, but entirely the wrong personality. She wanted a princess. And it makes me think, surely, out of those six kids, that princess was one of them. Surely another angelic son, at least. But no. She got me instead. A few times she threatened to send me away to live with my aunt and uncle. I wish now that I'd taken her up on the offer.

I really hope everything goes well for your niece, ladyforsaken. It's a terrible thing to go through, and I pray things go better for her than they have for me.

If they're in heaven, how could they be angry? More likely, they love you a lot. Maybe you feel the need to have someone angry at you because you're used to it. Like a habit. Like when smokers fidget or chew gum if they can't have a cigarette. Habits can be broken and new ones can be made. They're only patterns. They warrant no more value than that. We play out patterns unconsciously. Once you are aware that's what you're doing, you're in a position to stop. Once you do stop, question the validity of that pattern, then answer the question. For instance, if you tend to think you're worthless because of what your mother said about you, question the validity of that thought/feeling. What is the highest truth you know on the subject? In your case, it's the Bible. Jesus loves you. Apparently he doesn't think you're worthless. Jesus trumps everyone else. So it's not true that you're worthless. That was an example. I don't know if you feel that way or not.
If you are in fact looking for ways to be angry with yourself, do you think God would want you punishing yourself for the sins of your mother? God is just right? She would have to repent for that and even if you did do something wrong, after you repent, you're supposed to forgive yourself because God has, as you know.

Tamaki said:

I'm also the only one who's ever gotten hit (slap to the back of the head the day before my thirteenth birthday- that was the day she told me she didn't care if I died. The next day, my birthday, she pretty much said that it was my fault for making her hit me, but she forgave me now, so I should be happy.

Click to expand...

Oh Tamaki *hugs*

This sounds like some form of abuse to me.... I don't know though, I'm just as messed up to correctly identify what's what. Verbal abuse.. emotional abuse. :\

Either way, that's not very nice as a parent to say/do to your child no matter what.

Tamaki said:

I really hope everything goes well for your niece, ladyforsaken. It's a terrible thing to go through, and I pray things go better for her than they have for me.

Click to expand...

Thank you, Tamaki. Likewise for you.

Hello Tamaki, I am so, so sorry that you have been and are being treated so unfairly and horribly by your mother. I think that your brothers and sisters in heaven will be wanting to give you a massive hug and to tell you that you deserve to be alive and that they love and care for you very much. You don't give your age, but I am guessing you are or soon will be old enough to move out and to start a new life for yourself. I hope that you are eventually able to work through al.l the bad things which have happened to you and to find some peace. What sort of relationship do you have with your two brothers? Are you close to them or has your mother put such a wedge between you that you can't find any emotional closeness olr caring with them?

Tamaki said:

I'm also the only one who's ever gotten hit (slap to the back of the head the day before my thirteenth birthday- that was the day she told me she didn't care if I died. The next day, my birthday, she pretty much said that it was my fault for making her hit me, but she forgave me now, so I should be happy.

Click to expand...

I'm not saying you don't deserve this world.. but your mother certainly does not deserve to have you.

You'll have the chance to repay her in kind when she's old and needs diapers changed. No worries.

I perhaps don't have the understanding of the others above, but I think it's your mother who should be asking you for forgiveness for making you feel this way.

You have every right to your life, to happiness and love. It sounds like your mother dotes on boys and hence your brothers, but that does not make you 'the failure and the letdown and the disappointment.'

That is just so wrong to me, in my eyes your mother has let YOU down, she has failed you.

Despite all this I suspect you still love your mother, but I would still urge you if you can to move away and start living your life for yourself, without guilt or shame.

I send you my best wishes and hopes that my words might make a small difference.

I was "the favorite" but I felt like I was the opposite of that. While my brother jokes that he was "adopted", I joke that I haven't been free to make ANY decisions for myself. To decide how to spend my money. What friends to have. Not even starting about romantic stuff. It's very convenient that almost every time I've gotten physical with a girl in my teen years, you've wised up pretty soon and just happen to "look" for me when I'm with her. Trying to keep tabs on me. No holidays and camps with the other kids because I had to be too busy being your little ******* genius. It never occurred to you a kid who was thin for his own age would never get bullied in an all-male class students 2 years older than him now, would it?!

No ******* Japan with you and my sibling because it was going to ruin my future Harvard etc career. Well you came back to see me a drinking, weed-abusing 15 year-old bum. And now you've stuck me with impossible money to owe, and the expectation that I must sort off your own money problems. Like the I quote "investment" I am. And complaining and negativity every time I pick up the phone. Disrespecting my opinions, for myself and for others. Making appointments to people on my behalf.. WTF?! Asking me for advice on stuff then arguing with me about it?! The expectation that you made my life such a living heaven that I can do nothing but to beg to do anything for you could be.. brought a bit more to - be in touch with reality.

So whoever wasn't a "favorite", just know that you might have gotten the better stick.

P.S. I'll never forget when I begged you to come to Japan with you, and also when I was third grade and you made me study to pass 4th grade during the summer to go to this ******* class. It may be silly but some Batman show was just out that summer and it would make me happy to watch that (a ******* 30 minute show), and you denied it from me. And I'll never tell you that, but I remember.

perfanoff. :\ *hugs*

perfanoff said:

You'll have the chance to repay her in kind when she's old and needs diapers changed. No worries.

Click to expand...

Bwahhh haaa haaa haaa!!!

O don't get me started on favoritism.

I thought my brother coming back from Iran would be the happiest time of my life, but my father's made it a living hell!
My brother is 8 years younger than me. When I was his age I was better behaved, paid more mind to school, had a job and a car, did my chores, didn't drink or smoke pot like he does, and so much more without sounding too conceited. But my father treated me like absolute honeysuckle and still does. But the hypocrite tries to be my brother's friend instead of his father and doesn't care one bit about what he does. He encourages my brother to do what he does and just jokes around and takes him out to have fun. It drives me, quite literally, crazy!

I was never allowed to go out, even just to ride my bike around our street. But he takes or lets my brother go three cities away almost everyday just to go to the houka bar.
I couldn't invite any friends over. Whenever I'd ask him if I could go to my friend's house, he would say, "How do you want to go there? How are you going to come back? Me?! Are you crazy? How can I take you there and then pick you back up in 3 hours? No." Then I'll ask him if my friend could come over instead..."Uh oh. Now how is he going to come? His mom? His mom said she doesn't mind? Are you stupid? She doesn't want to waste her time and gas just so her son can play with You. She just feels sorry for you because you're by yourself. Listen to me, normal people don't go here and there for no reason. Normal people sit at home with their family." Then he would lie in his room for 10 hours a day listening to his radio. And then a month later he'll yell at me for always being home...Thats just an example of how he'd react to everything and anything. Usually there's more cursing and insults.
He's been that way with me for as long as I can remember. Everything I did or said was wrong. If I didn't like something he liked, "I don't know what I really like," and I'm wrong. If I liked something he didn't, it's "childish" and I'm wrong.

I'll have straight A's and the top grades in the class, and he'd literally ask why they're not all 100's and that they aren't good enough. My grades eventually started dropping due to me not doing homework. I wouldn't do my hw because he'd nitpick about everything whenever he saw me..."Why isn't your pencil sharper? Why are you sitting at this table and not that one? You've been home for an hour, why are you just starting your homework now?" I got used to just doing my hw in class, if at all. He's never once asked my brother about his homework in the 7 months my brother's been here.
I'm 24 and he yells at me for smoking a cigarette even though he smokes more than me. My brother smokes more houka than I smoke cigs, and he's 16. My father not only doesn't tell him to stop smoking so much, but rather joins him or tells him to bring it out if he hasn't already.

I'd get lecture after insults after lecture almost everyday. He didn't beat me or anything, no more than maybe a couple of times, but his words cut like daggers. I actually used to pray to God that my dad would just hit me once every morning and leave me alone for the rest of the day.
He tells my brother that he's better than me and tells him made up bs or talks about my low points without mentioning a single achievement or good thing about me. He'll then say to me that he never talks behind my back... Because of my father I can't tell my brother anything because he doesn't take me seriously anymore. And I basically raised and watched after him when we were kids...




Im sorry...I wanted to write more but I've already made this way too long. Thanks for reading if you did.

Tamaki said:

I'm also the only one who's ever gotten hit (slap to the back of the head the day before my thirteenth birthday- that was the day she told me she didn't care if I died. The next day, my birthday, she pretty much said that it was my fault for making her hit me, but she forgave me now, so I should be happy.

Click to expand...

My father would also used to tell me daily that I should eat stones or that I should kill myself...
Hehe, I tried not to take it seriously and hope you don't either.

Tamaki said:

What I actually wanted to say is, as heartbreaking as it is to know that you're the failure and the letdown and the disappointment, the part that really gets to me is that my mother has been pregnant a total of nine times- she only has three kids. The other six were miscarriages. And I feel like one of those kids should've made it instead of me. I've always thought that, if her other two children are so angelic and I'm a bad egg, maybe I was just the lone bad one in the batch and she got really unlucky. While I have a better relationship with my brothers than with my mother, it's still not great, and I feel like surely any of the other kids must've been a much better match for the family as a whole. I feel like I've stolen something from someone- like I stole the chance to live from my brothers and sisters who deserved it so much more than I did, and in doing so, stole the happiness that my family would've had by having one of them instead. I feel so guilty it brings me to tears. I'm born again Christian, I believe that they're all alive in Heaven, and I've prayed to God to ask them to forgive me. Do you guys think it's crazy to feel like this? If you're religious or otherwise believe in the afterlife, do you think they would be angry with me?

Click to expand...

It really makes me sad that you felt like you didn't deserve to live or that someone else should have been born instead of you I won't say everyone was born for a reason, but please know that you are human and you are beautiful and grand. Don't let anyone Ever make you feel differently...

That's a good point, WL7.3... It's true, I'm very used to having some kind of conflict with someone at all times, be it family or friends. When things are going well, I never trust it. I always end up thinking that even if everything looks fine at first glance, just beneath the surface, surely someone wants to strangle me, and I end up endlessly analyzing who I could have possibly offended and how. I suppose this is something I need to think about.

@Tiina63: Thankfully, I'll be moving out of the house on my 18th birthday next year. I figure I'll most likely be blamed for abandoning the family and ruining everything somehow, even though supposedly I can't do anything right even when I'm here.
As far as my brothers go, my younger brother (6 years my junior) and I are actually best friends most of the time, except for when we're mortal enemies. So almost a normal sibling relationship there. He's the baby of the family though and he knows it, and he has used this to his advantage to get me in trouble. I rarely speak to my older brother (he's 27- and yes, he still lives at home). I know for a fact that my mother goes to him to complain about me. A very few times he's at least asked for my side of the story, but generally speaking he's always totally on her side. I've always been very careful of what I do or say around him for fear that he would report it to mother. He's a definite snitch, and it's not fun to always have to watch my every move, so usually I avoid him. Which is really sad to me, because even with our differences, I think we could be really good friends if I didn't have to worry about him sicking mom on me. We were very close when I was younger and these days I feel like I've lost my big brother.

perfanoff, xninjaguyx, that's truly awful, and I'm sorry. And thanks, Edward W.

Hmmm, Dont know if I can call my experience favoritism because my parents did try, but they were young when I was born (mom 20, dad 26) and ill just say didnt do their due diligence when it came to me. Ok, not trying to sound spoiled but my first car was a beat up convertible that cost $900, my second car was a old Chrysler that was bought for $700 but was severely rusted and body work cost 1500. Outside the car looked nice but it still had tons of issues and lasted me a whole year before conking out for good, so 3100 total for two cars. Fast forward to 2005 and I have a full time job, college grad but no credit history, I needed a consigned initially and my parents refused. The company did give me the car though and I paid it off.

Now my sister who is 12 years younger than me is in highschool some years laters. My sister goes looking for a car and she doesn't have a job, she finds a new dodge charger and bam, they co-sign for her on the 'promise' that she'll get a job, which she never got. Parents didnt trip and are currently paying her car note which is 27,000. My school loans they didnt do much research and there was little consultation about my college choices, but my sister they were all over it, they helped her find loans that I never even heard of. Now I have tons of loan debt and hers is very little. Recently my mom told me that I was the guinea pig so that makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

I know they love me and all, but if they were more in tune when I was coming up I think my life would be much easier.

onmyown1979 said:

Hmmm, Dont know if I can call my experience favoritism because my parents did try, but they were young when I was born (mom 20, dad 26) and ill just say didnt do their due diligence when it came to me. Ok, not trying to sound spoiled but my first car was a beat up convertible that cost $900, my second car was a old Chrysler that was bought for $700 but was severely rusted and body work cost 1500. Outside the car looked nice but it still had tons of issues and lasted me a whole year before conking out for good, so 3100 total for two cars. Fast forward to 2005 and I have a full time job, college grad but no credit history, I needed a consigned initially and my parents refused. The company did give me the car though and I paid it off.

Now my sister who is 12 years younger than me is in highschool some years laters. My sister goes looking for a car and she doesn't have a job, she finds a new dodge charger and bam, they co-sign for her on the 'promise' that she'll get a job, which she never got. Parents didnt trip and are currently paying her car note which is 27,000. My school loans they didnt do much research and there was little consultation about my college choices, but my sister they were all over it, they helped her find loans that I never even heard of. Now I have tons of loan debt and hers is very little. Recently my mom told me that I was the guinea pig so that makes me feel a hell of a lot better.

I know they love me and all, but if they were more in tune when I was coming up I think my life would be much easier.

Click to expand...

That does sound a little unfair. Are your parents more financially secure than when you were younger?
Was your mom sort of joking when she called you their guinea pig? Don't feel too bad, all first borns are technically the guinea pigs. Maybe they think of her as their baby girl and feel very protective of her. What's the age difference between you and your sister?

Actually they were more secure back then than now. There's an 12 year age gap between me and her.

I'm so sorry, OP. I can't imagine having to go through that.

onmyown1979 said:

Actually they were more secure back then than now. There's an 12 year age gap between me and her.

Click to expand...

I think that because they were young and inexperienced, they probably had no clue what they were doing at first. Now that they're older and have gone through raising you, they've realized that they should be more involved for their child's well-being.
If you and your parents are kind of distant, they probably don't want to be like that with your sister too.

This is actually more common than I even want to imagine. A lady I know, who used to date my uncle and has since been a family friend (if that's what I could even consider her), clearly has no regard over her daughter. Her daughter, who I consider to be my cousin, and my grandmother even considered her the first granddaughter (even though biology, I'm the first granddaughter), is nearly 40 years old, and has never understood why. Although, I'm recently finding out through my mom, that the lady doesn't like any of her children. We always thought she just favored the two youngest sons. But apparently, she's just completely bitter and mad at her own life, so she wants to take it out on everyone she's ever known.

So, I don't completely know your situation, but she may not always favor them either.