Not living up to expectations

Hey everyone, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (which usually doesn't lead to anything good) and I decided that I need to confront something that's been eating away at me for close to four years. I mentioned it briefly in another thread, but this is something that I just need to get out there.

I was born with optic nerve hypoplasia in both eyes, which means that my optic nerves didn't develop normally when I was still a fetus. The right eye has it worse, leaving me legally blind in that eye and with limited (20/50) vision in the left. Current research says that it's not degenerative, but there's no corrective measures that help. I wear glasses mostly just to protect my eyes from debris and stuff that could knock out my one good eye.

But before I get into the main issue, some background: My family has a long heritage of military service, on both my mom and dad's sides. Army, navy, air force, etc. Some of my earliest memories are of watching my dad leave on deployment when he was with the carrier fleet. I knew from the start what I wanted to do. I wanted to serve in the military, in whatever capacity I could. In early 2011 I started talking with recruiters from different branches, mostly army and the navy. A few people had convinced me that there were waivers that would let me get in, that I might just be limited in what jobs I could do.

But a few days before I started my senior year of high school I got a call from my recruiter. In the end, there was nothing he could do. It was just a flat-out disqualification. I was devastated, but tried not to let it show. Things just spiraled down from there. Thought about doing something like police work, or maybe being an EMT/firefighter. Yet again, though, my vision wouldn't let me. Everything I had ever wanted to do was out of my reach. I still haven't gotten a driver's license at the age of 20 because my disorder makes it so hard.

What kills me the most though, is this sense of failure. I let my family and my country down. I wasn't good enough, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wake up every morning and remember that I couldn't live up to my own standards, let alone those set by those that I look up to. It's difficult for me to face my dad or uncle (who was a member of the 82nd airborne) because every time I do, I realize that I'll never be as good as them. And the biggest problem is that I love that stuff. The idea of fast-roping out of a helicopter or kicking down doors gets my blood pumping like nothing else. I'm very aware that war and military service is nothing like what it's portrayed in the media, but at the same time I feel called to do just that. And even if it wasn't "high-speed", I would give everything to be given a chance to prove myself.

But I'll never get that chance. I feel like a failure; unable to fix this problem that keeps knocking me down every time I try to get back up. I keep "settling for the next best thing", but it's not the same. I have to change the channel when a military recruitment ad comes on. Just seeing someone in uniform makes me look away. Not out of spite or jealousy, mostly shame.

I can't keep going like this. When your whole world is inseparably linked to everything you can't but wanted to be, it starts to wear you down bit by bit.

Change your own expectations, Shiloh. You can "serve" in other ways. Serving your fellow man doesn't mean joining the military either. It can things like volunteer work for shelters, soup kitchens, veterans (this may appeal to you). Military and service isn't synonymous you know. You seem like a great person - change your OWN expectations - not those that others have of you.

Shiloh253 said:

Hey everyone, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (which usually doesn't lead to anything good) and I decided that I need to confront something that's been eating away at me for close to four years. I mentioned it briefly in another thread, but this is something that I just need to get out there.

I was born with optic nerve hypoplasia in both eyes, which means that my optic nerves didn't develop normally when I was still a fetus. The right eye has it worse, leaving me legally blind in that eye and with limited (20/50) vision in the left. Current research says that it's not degenerative, but there's no corrective measures that help. I wear glasses mostly just to protect my eyes from debris and stuff that could knock out my one good eye.




What kills me the most though, is this sense of failure. I let my family and my country down. I wasn't good enough, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have to wake up every morning and remember that I couldn't live up to my own standards, let alone those set by those that I look up to. It's difficult for me to face my dad or uncle (who was a member of the 82nd airborne) because every time I do, I realize that I'll never be as good as them. And the biggest problem is that I love that stuff. The idea of fast-roping out of a helicopter or kicking down doors gets my blood pumping like nothing else. I'm very aware that war and military service is nothing like what it's portrayed in the media, but at the same time I feel called to do just that. And even if it wasn't "high-speed", I would give everything to be given a chance to prove myself.

But I'll never get that chance. I feel like a failure; unable to fix this problem that keeps knocking me down every time I try to get back up. I keep "settling for the next best thing", but it's not the same. I have to change the channel when a military recruitment ad comes on. Just seeing someone in uniform makes me look away. Not out of spite or jealousy, mostly shame.

I can't keep going like this. When your whole world is inseparably linked to everything you can't but wanted to be, it starts to wear you down bit by bit.

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please don't be ashamed, ever, you are very brave and you have been dealt a bad hand of cards, that is absolutely not your fault and nothing that you can do anything about. You can curse the gods or you can work around it, and find a way to get closer to your dream, if you can't fulfill it completely. But please, please, never feel ashamed, you are quite OK as you are and if you turned out different from your family, maybe it's for the best, it's to give something special, if you find what that is.
Sorry if I tell you how to feel, I know that's bad, I just hate 'shame' with all my heart, it's an evil, useless emotion that is given to us when people who judge all the time teach us how to judge ourselves You can be just as good as your old men, even better, in a different way

The feeling of shame is truly evil...

I know serving your country was your expectation, but there are more ways to help... Even if it does not seem like much in comparison... You can STILL make a difference. Take a look around you for example. Feed your adrenaline with coinciding sports... And perhaps make a difference for the people who cannot speak or stand up for themselves. It may not be for the entire country, but to one person... Maybe a hundred... Maybe a thousand people.... You can change their world for. I have seen so many living on the streets or struggle to make ends meet. They always appreciate someone who has the strength (like I know you do) to help.

Thanks you for input, everyone. It's difficult to resign myself to something else than what I had thought would happen, when it was such (and still is) such an important part of my life.

I don't know anything about the military but would it be possible for you to take an auxilliary position with them, such as cooking for the troops or another support role? My dad was in the army in WW2 but, for health reasons, he did no fighting or anything in helicopters but instead had a support role. I don't know enough about the military to know if this would be possible for you. Or whether it might make you even more unhappy to be so close to the life you want, but unable to go all the way.
It is horrible to feel that your life is second best. I feel this way about mine for other reasons.

Tiina63 said:

I don't know anything about the military but would it be possible for you to take an auxilliary position with them, such as cooking for the troops or another support role? My dad was in the army in WW2 but, for health reasons, he did no fighting or anything in helicopters but instead had a support role. I don't know enough about the military to know if this would be possible for you. Or whether it might make you even more unhappy to be so close to the life you want, but unable to go all the way.
It is horrible to feel that your life is second best. I feel this way about mine for other reasons.

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No, I can't enlist at all (can't pass preliminary medical screening, no waiver available) I also can't become a police officer, which is something that had interested me as well. The closest I could possibly get there is a dispatcher, but that doesn't appeal to me at all.

You have definitely been dealt a bad hand of cards, but I agree that you shouldn't feel ashamed of yourself. You've remained strong and you've carried on with your life even when some people may have given up. I hope that you are able to find a job that'll still make you feel satisfied and happy with how far you would have come.

I'm sorry you were unable to get into the military, but as the others have said, just because you can't do that, doesn't mean you can't still be a part of it all.
For example, have you considered helping veterans returning from war? There are many programs that are dedicated to helping injured vets.

Having a medical issue that prevents you from getting into the military does NOT make you less than your family members that were/are in the military. Don't think like that, it's not your fault. Find something that you can do that you will be successful at and something you will enjoy and hold your head high. Has your family said anything to you about not being able to get follow in their footsteps? I doubt you've let anyone down, except yourself from the sound of it. When you live a life of expectation, you will more often than not, be disappointed. Accept the situation and find another way to help or find another career path that you will excel at. The people who care about you will be proud of you no matter what.

Helping veterans returning from war is a good suggestion and might be a way forward for you. You would be doing so much good, helping them to rebuild their lives. Or could you work for a charity which collects medical supplies and other vital things for civilians in areas devastated by war?

This is going to sound really selfish and terrible, but I just don't have the heart to work with veterans. Because every time I look at a friend or family member who served, I'm reminded that I'll never be like them. It just keeps picking away at me day after day and having my head obsessing over the fact that I won't ever be able to be their "equal", so to speak. Every time a military recruitment ad comes on TV I have to change the channel or leave the room. I know that working with veterans is a noble cause, and I feel that it absolutely needs to be done, I just don't have what it takes.

No, it doesn't sound selfish and terrible at all. It sounds very human and very sad. Wanting something so much that it hurts to see others who have what it is you are wanting is a very painful thing to go through. I hope that one day you find another outlet for your dedication.

Just when I thought my life was ruined from my mom lying to the army recruiters. You can only see out of one eye barley and I'm here complaining that I don't have a certain car, this amount of friends, not having sex regularly, or not being able to get the person I want to be in a relationship with/liking me a certain way and so on. You actually care about something that is significant, which is something that you really wanted. In the meantime try doing something else that interests you. There may be corrective surgeries that you can do maybe you can get a waiver for. As long as your vision is correctable and you can see color for some branches and jobs, you should get waived with no problems. If you really want to join the military, you would anyway to do so. Then if not the military, then you could join the police. I hope for you the best.

African_weasel said:

Just when I thought my life was ruined from my mom lying to the army recruiters. You can only see out of one eye barley and I'm here complaining that I don't have a certain car, this amount of friends, not having sex regularly, or not being able to get the person I want to be in a relationship with/liking me a certain way and so on. You actually care about something that is significant, which is something that you really wanted. In the meantime try doing something else that interests you. There may be corrective surgeries that you can do maybe you can get a waiver for. As long as your vision is correctable and you can see color for some branches and jobs, you should get waived with no problems. If you really want to join the military, you would anyway to do so. Then if not the military, then you could join the police. I hope for you the best.

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Unfortunately I cannot do either. My disorder is not correctable at all, since it's the optic nerve that's effected. Believe me, I've looked into every option. There's no waiver for what I'm dealing with, so I'm stuck where I am.

Hate to necro this thread, but I sent in an email to my local sheriff's office to see what their vision requirements are for becoming a deputy. As usual, I don't meet them. You need at least 20/30 in the WORSE eye, which is way off my mark. I'm...I'm just getting sick of this. I didn't know God had a sick sense of humor like this: Making me want something that I physically can't have, so badly.

I am sorry that you have dealt with such disappointment in your life. You are still very young and there are options. There is more to police work and law enforcement than just being a cop or in the military. There are criminologists, scientists, administrative professionals and many other careers related that would not necessarily be hindered by your eyesight (at least not as much). I don't know. It seems like you could find something (even volunteer work) that would be tangentially related. There are career books with aptitude type tests (I can't think of specific ones for people with disabilities, but surely that exists). There are so many career options that a lot of people don't even know exist. I also had my dreams kind of snatched away from me, so I feel your pain. I don't know what to do with myself, either. I am working on finding alternatives.

raincloud said:

I am sorry that you have dealt with such disappointment in your life. You are still very young and there are options. There is more to police work and law enforcement than just being a cop or in the military. There are criminologists, scientists, administrative professionals and many other careers related that would not necessarily be hindered by your eyesight (at least not as much). I don't know. It seems like you could find something (even volunteer work) that would be tangentially related. There are career books with aptitude type tests (I can't think of specific ones for people with disabilities, but surely that exists). There are so many career options that a lot of people don't even know exist. I also had my dreams kind of snatched away from me, so I feel your pain. I don't know what to do with myself, either. I am working on finding alternatives.

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Thanks for the kind words. I don't know how to say this without seeming really needy or picky, but jobs like administration and the science field don't appeal to me in the least. I want to get out there and get stuff done; not sit behind a desk all day or stare at some papers for hours. My dad's been doing that for the past ten years after getting out of the Navy and hates every minute of it, and it shows. I'd almost rather get shot at than sit in a cubicle all day. But by the way things are going it looks like that's what I'll have to do, since I'm not good enough to do anything else that I want to.

I have done some things I never thought I could. My mom never owned a car. I got a license at age of 24. On brother went in to the service and that was his education. I have a sis who has not graduated. She tries GED test ever year. I have a BA. I got that in 2010 after leaving husband who didn't want me in college.

I talked with a friend the other day. He was going on about old souls and the conversation was enlightening. He said I have an old soul. I was flattered. I said I didn't really know weather or not I did. I started looking at internet for info. Okay I really don't think it matters as far as changing the person I am. I am good just because right?

I should be more accomplished, but I am not sure how?

We talked as I looked and I was surprised. I am 70 -90 percent evolved. This was measured by quizzes and numbers. I don't feel like an old soul I told him, I had to cry. It feels like I am missing something really important. I should feel wise, secure, and and be a better person somehow. Now I have sense that I have some great potential to live up to.

I thought monks, priest, wisemen and other wise people were old souls. Not an ordinary person like me. It's not a status to be an old soul or young soul. It just is where you are. I feel so lost at times ( looking for that guy). I still have sense of moral outrage at times I need to curb. I can always be better.

I am glad I am young and in good health. I have a far to go and I will go.

Update: Learned I'm ineligible for the following jobs that I had been looking at:

-Firefighting
-Corrections officer
-Probation/parole officer
-Sheriff's deputy
-TSA agent

This is pointless now.

I know you said no desk work, and this may sound hugely ignorant since I don't know the requirements, but what about something more on the thinking side of police work? Surely not all investigators are field operatives. There's got to be some people who do the more thinking work, versus action. Like the people who piece together crimes and how they were committed and such.

I could be way off base here. Just trying to throw you an idea though. I know how much it means to want to be fulfilled in work, to spend your life doing something that matters to you.