Reaching Out to People

We are told to 'reach out" to people.  And, that's fine.  However, people have to reach back.   The problem with loneliness is that is colors your perception to when people are actually willing to reach back and those who aren't.  And, you end up wasting your time reaching towards people who will not reciprocate. I think you will move further ahead when and if you can recognize that and move on.

dd11 said:

We are told to 'reach out" to people [...]

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I actually responded to someone that used those words! 

An acquaintance said she was 'reaching out' to her Twitter followers after experiencing a major trauma that I understood (and empathised) with.

All I can say is beware of wolf in sheep's clothing: I was used over a period of many months and then discarded.

I'm still prepared to offer my help to those in need but am a lot more wary now about being narcissistically abused.

Friendship should be reciprocal - or else it isn't friendship at all but pandering to someone that needs constant attention.  

Sadly, it took me a long time to accept that this was not a genuine friendship, but on the bright side, a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt.

Also, for me, no further contact worked best.

I did my own experiment. I used to immediately say Hello to people when out and about. I was always first. Then, i thought, let's see if anyone actually acknowledges MY existence. Well, most of them dont'. They look right through you like you don't even exist. Ok, fine. That's reality. So i have moved on.

Kianda said:

dd11 said:

We are told to 'reach out" to people.  And, that's fine.  However, people have to reach back.   The problem with loneliness is that is colors your perception to when people are actually willing to reach back and those who aren't.  And, you end up wasting your time reaching towards people who will not reciprocate. I think you will move further ahead when and if you can recognize that and move on.

Click to expand...

I actually responded to someone that used those words! 

An acquaintance said she was 'reaching out' to her Twitter followers after experiencing a major trauma that I understood (and empathised) with.

All I can say is beware of wolf in sheep's clothing: I was used over a period of many months and then discarded.

I'm still prepared to offer my help to those in need but am a lot more wary now about being narcissistically abused.

Friendship should be reciprocal - or else it isn't friendship at all but pandering to someone that needs constant attention.

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I agree, been through that a few times myself.

People shouldn't be discouraged from reaching out though, and kudos to those who do. It's not easy to admit you need help and reach out to people, many don't do it. Some out of fear that people will think just the above of them. Personally I've gone through a lot of wolf criers and am wary of others anymore.

Sci-Fi said:

"People shouldn't be discouraged from reaching out though [...]"

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Oh, absolutely!

The question is how to recognise those in genuine need from those that are exploiting their unfortunate situation for narcissistic purposes.

I haven't stopped reaching out. I have stopped reaching out to people who have proven they will not reach back. Big difference.

dd11 said:

[...] let's see if anyone actually acknowledges MY existence.  Well, most of them dont'. [...]

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This.

Because friendship needs reciprocity.

dd11 said:

[..] I have stopped reaching out to people who have proven they will not reach back [...]

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Me too. Enough is enough.

I'm in a musical and have gotten the hint from the actors my age who want nothing to do with me. They'd rather be on their phones or goof around with their own group of friends. I feel I've gotten better on approaching people and talking to them on the rare occasion that neither of these issues occur, and there are a few older people that I can sometimes have a conversation with, but sadly not ones I would hang out with (they also spend lots of time on their phones). Another sad thing is that there is a party scene in the show and some of the people my age will approach me and act chummy with me, but when I try to talk to them during down time they are indifferent. My goal for being in this musical was to try to make at least one friend and get their number. This hasn't happened, however, and is the reason why I feel this musical has been a waste of time for me, especially when I should be looking for work.

This is only my first show with this theater company, however, and maybe if I keep doing shows with them my efforts will pay off and I'll meet someone who is worth my time.

dd11 said:

We are told to 'reach out" to people.  And, that's fine.  However, people have to reach back.   The problem with loneliness is that is colors your perception to when people are actually willing to reach back and those who aren't.  And, you end up wasting your time reaching towards people who will not reciprocate. I think you will move further ahead when and if you can recognize that and move on.

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I will agree with this. I'm always told to do this but no one ever does it to me.

Kianda said:

Sci-Fi said:

"People shouldn't be discouraged from reaching out though [...]"

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Oh, absolutely!

The question is how to recognise those in genuine need from those that are exploiting their unfortunate situation for narcissistic purposes.

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Haven't been able to figure that out yet, every time I think someone genuine they show they aren't. There are too many people out there who just want attention and don't care who they step on or hurt to get it. I had a friend once who would ask you what was wrong, but then always twist it around about her and how her life was so much worse than everyone else. It was like, oh wow thanks for asking...oh...no you just want to complain about yourself...okay thanks for asking about me. lol

I actually just last week got a text message from an old friend, I've seen him probably no more then 10 to 20 times in the last 10 years, I reached out to him last year when I heared he was depressed (his parents told me in the supermarket), thing is that we took a very different path a long long time ago and lost touch because of that, back then he was going out and having fun, drinking himself to bits and doing all kinds of drugs, I was already an introvert and never wanted anything to do with any kind of hard drugs (soft drugs neither btw) and didn't drink at all.

After I reached out to him we met at my place, he had a carton of beercans in the back of his car and promptly emptied 2 half litre cans while we talked, turns out I couldn't help him because he wasn't depressed, he was mentally ill (or so I believe), he thought the government was out to kill him, the freemasons were out to recruit him, he was deneing any and all medical treatment (cancer ) because only weed would save him, just about every other conspiracy theory out there was impacting him someway.

After that hour orso I messaged him and told him I couldn't have him in my life (I'm messed up enough as it is), I always felt realy bad about this because I did reach out to him thinking I could help, he responded badly and blocked me, I actually felt reliefed... when he messaged me last week I didn't react, and I'm not going to either because I still can't have that sort of drama dragging me down into the hole I've spend almost 20years slowly climbing out off...

My point (yeah indeed, it's about time ), reaching out is good but make sure your reaching out to the right persons, and when someone reaches out to you... make sure you actually want to/can deal with that, sometimes you might need to make a difficult decission and say no.

Just thought i'd share

Mr.L

You are right, it's hard to know who is reaching back, and who is just being polite. I am embarrassed when I look back and remember all the times I thought people were reciprocating and they actually weren't. (Which is why I do my best to erase memories) I have given up reaching out anymore to people, both family and others, and have stuck to being an island. You get used to it.

It isn't "wrong or unfriendly" to temper your reaching out to those who have never shown any effort to even say Hello. So, i don't feel bad about that. I tried so move on. There are thousands of people all around you that you havent' yet met. So, yes, reach out to new people.

Sci-Fi said:

Kianda said:

Sci-Fi said:

"People shouldn't be discouraged from reaching out though [...]"

Click to expand...

Oh, absolutely!

The question is how to recognise those in genuine need from those that are exploiting their unfortunate situation for narcissistic purposes.

Click to expand...

Haven't been able to figure that out yet, every time I think someone genuine they show they aren't [...]

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Yeah, I don't think you can tell at first but one eventually spots the signs of non-reciprocity. No point in going too far down the lane...

morrowrd said:

[...] it's hard to know who is reaching back, and who is just being polite [...]

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Yeah spot on! Trust is a two-way thing.
I think in time one learns the lesson about giving too much too soon and can be cool about it

All of us are definitely a work in progress. But to be honest, some need more work than others, and still others don't care and want to take advantage of anyone and everyone even their own friends. So in our desperation to keep a friend, we may let ourselves get stepped on. We may rationalize that it's better to be stepped on and have a so called friend, than be assertive and end up all alone. Which then feeds a vicious cycle of co-dependency.