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Life feels pointless to me anymore, with no reason to keep living
#1
I have no friends in real life, very few I talk to online (and only rarely, then), no girlfriend, and no hope of getting any of those. No dreams or aspirations, and I don't dare to even hope for the future because it always goes to shit as soon as I start being hopeful. I can't find a job that lets me support myself despite being 32, and my mom still needs to financially support me partially. Anyone in my life just drifts farther away and I'm powerless to stop it. It's been happening for years, but it really became apparent when my grandfather died back in early 2013 (he was the most important person in my life).


What reason could I possibly have to even keep living and struggling? Things won't get better, and even if by chance they do, they'll just get even worse soon after. More and more lately I find myself wanting to die. Not kill myself, necessarily, just to die. Passive, neutral, apathetic. At least then I wouldn't need to keep struggling towards a future that doesn't want me and has no place for me, and my mom could stop wasting her money on me so she can actually retire.
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#2
Hey el Jay, the last paragraph sounds like bit suicidal idealization. Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist?
It does sound like your in a rough place, but I'm sure your mom and others would miss you if you died.

I'm afraid I don't have too much advice to give you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Maybe try to find a hobby or something that interests you, try getting out and going for a short walk, go to the library and find a good book to read. ( I'd highly recommend The Harry Potter series and Frankenstein, possibly maybe the Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy are all good reads) Maybe you and your mom could cook something together.

There's still meaning in life, just gotta get outside and try to find it.
I don't know how helpful this was but I hope things get better for you

*hugs* Smile
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#3
(11-09-2017, 08:15 AM)evanescencefan912 Wrote: Hey el Jay, the last paragraph sounds like bit suicidal idealization.  Have you tried seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist?
It does sound like your in a rough place, but I'm sure your mom and others would miss you if you died.

I'm afraid I don't have too much advice to give you. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Maybe try to find a hobby or something that interests you, try getting out and going for a short walk, go to the library and find a good book to read. ( I'd highly recommend The Harry Potter series and Frankenstein, possibly maybe the Hobbit and the LOTR trilogy are all good reads)  Maybe you and your mom could cook something together.

There's still meaning in life, just gotta get outside and try to find it.
I don't know how helpful this was but I hope things get better for you

*hugs* Smile

My mom would miss me, yeah, but she lives on the other side of the world (pretty much literally). She doesn't contribute enough positivity and purpose to my life to make her feelings about me matter, sad to say. And although I do love her and she's done plenty to help me out in life, she's also done things that have contributed to where I am today, with a big one being scaring me away from considering antidepressants back in 2009 (she was worried they'd turn me into a mindless zombie who lays in bed all day and just robotically keeps taking them). When I finally did start them some months after my grandfather died in 2013, they were like a magic bullet. But it was too little too late. A decade ago they might've done wonders for me, but by the time I finally started on them I was too far gone.

I don't really have the will to do most things to "branch out" at the moment. I'm so worn down and depressed that I need some external input of energy to get going, which pretty much will never happen due to no friends or relationships. It's a vicious cycle, but I don't even bother trying to break it because I'm not allowed to be hopeful of things in life. Any time things start to go well even a little bit, as soon as I start thinking "hey, maybe things will finally get a little better and I can be happier", they go to shit within 2-14 days, leaving me in an even worse place both mentally and in life in general. Friends, girlfriends, jobs, social groups, doesn't matter what it is, when I begin to believe that something may finally get better, it gets worse.

For the past 15 years, I've generally staved off suicidal thoughts by thinking "well, until things get so bad that it's not worth the effort to keep living and working and struggling for what little is good in my life, I don't need to really think about it". But now things are getting dangerously close to being that bad.
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#4
You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
Cool
Be here now.
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#5
(11-10-2017, 12:15 PM)constant stranger Wrote: You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
Cool

Are you being sarcastic?
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#6
(11-12-2017, 06:27 AM)el Jay Wrote:
(11-10-2017, 12:15 PM)constant stranger Wrote: You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
Cool

Are you being sarcastic?

No, el Jay, I'm not being sarcastic.  Or I'm not trying to be sarcastic anyway. 
I was trying to be sympathetic and hoping not to be stating some obvious truism.
Peace?
Be here now.
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#7
I do hope you feel better.
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#8
(11-12-2017, 12:41 PM)constant stranger Wrote:
(11-12-2017, 06:27 AM)el Jay Wrote:
(11-10-2017, 12:15 PM)constant stranger Wrote: You're in a pretty difficult position and I don't want to insult your intelligence with a lot of platitudes. 
But I really want to hear you say that you're not going to quit.
Every day tell yourself, "I can quit tomorrow.....today I have a task to do."

Oh dear, was that a platitude?
Cool

Are you being sarcastic?

No, el Jay, I'm not being sarcastic.  Or I'm not trying to be sarcastic anyway. 
I was trying to be sympathetic and hoping not to be stating some obvious truism.
Peace?

It's fine, I don't really care anyways. Just your tone seemed like you might have been sarcastic.

But it doesn't matter anyways because I just don't feel like that. Even if I do have a "task to do" today, the problem is I no longer care. I don't have the energy or willpower to keep going. Why bother doing what I need to do when I don't have and won't get any real happiness or personal value out of it?


I'm sick of keeping going in this world but never getting the things I really want. Why bother anymore?


(11-12-2017, 02:52 PM)lilE Wrote: I do hope you feel better.

Thank you, but I don't think I will. It's just been going downhill for the last two decades of my life, and especially in the past 4 years.
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