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Married but lonely.
#1
Is there anyone else on here who is married (or in a serious relationship) but still feels lonely?  I’ve been married for many years, and at first my husband and I were close and I could talk to him about anything.  But in recent years I have felt very lonely, as my husband is very wrapped up in himself, his job, his hobbies and his own friends.  He isn’t interested in me or anything I have to say.  We have very little conversation – when he gets home from work, he doesn’t want to talk about his day.  We eat our evening meal together, but he doesn’t talk to me at all, he just sits there looking at the news/sports news on his phone.  Then he goes into his ‘man cave’ for an hour or so, leaving me to watch TV alone.  He then joins me for a short time and we watch TV together, but there is very little conversation, just about what we’re watching.  Then he encourages me to go to bed early, as he likes to disappear back into his ‘man cave’, or watch sport on TV.  If I try to talk to him about anything, he doesn’t even listen.  He isn’t supportive when I am going through a hard time, like when my mom died – he just left me to deal with it all on my own.  I know there are many people out there who are lonely because they are alone, and they might say ‘at least you have someone’.  But I don’t feel as if I do.  I often feel like I would feel less lonely if I was on my own – at least then I wouldn’t experience the constant rejection of living with someone who barely seems to notice I’m there, apart from as his unpaid housekeeper/PA.   So, I was just wondering – is there anyone else on here who feels the same way I do?
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#2
Honestly, if he didn't even care for something as huge as your mother dying and just left it for you alone, I really don't think you matter to him at all. That is simply inexcusable.

I'd separate from him; it sounds like he only likes you doing stuff for him without having to care about you. More than simply drifting apart, this is way, way worse than that. Borderline negligence, or at the least, he doesn't love you anymore, I'd bet. And I think anyone deserves better than that.
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#3
(03-08-2019, 06:29 PM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote: Honestly, if he didn't even care for something as huge as your mother dying and just left it for you alone, I really don't think you matter to him at all. That is simply inexcusable.

I'd separate from him; it sounds like he only likes you doing stuff for him without having to care about you. More than simply drifting apart, this is way, way worse than that. Borderline negligence, or at the least, he doesn't love you anymore, I'd bet. And I think anyone deserves better than that.
I second that. 

He has become a shut in for the most part. 
It's time to have a serious discussion with him and part ways if he refuses to change.
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#4
I'm not with him anymore, but I've been there. It almost feels worse, in a way, because you DO have someone who is supposed to love and care about you, yet they don't. My ex's "man cave" was the bar, so he rarely came home and when he did, he was usually drunk. Towards the end of the relationship, he did "try" to include me, but that simply meant, I was expected to go to the bars WITH him and watch him drink and be a damn moron.

Anyway, I know how it feels. If you don't feel you are ready to leave it, I very much encourage you to live your own life. Have your own hobbies and get a....yes, I'm going to say it...she-shed. ( Club ) Go out and meet new people. Have your own life and make it good.
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#5
Yeah I'd go the independence route.Maybe follow some outside interests of your own . It's a big step chucking in a long term marriage but then again I'm biased i suppose being in one....
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#6
Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad
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#7
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

I'm guessing most of us are here to find company!  It isn't called " A Lonely Life " for nothing !  Toungue

I joined here only a last month and I feel better already,  having made new friends!
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#8
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

This is more concerning for me. That you're so dependent on him as well, because I worry now with already how he treats you, what if he decides to just up and drop you himself?
I mean, honestly, it's possible if he takes offense to you trying to make new friends, trying to make your own place, get in his way, etc...

There's got to be some other option to simply get away from him, because that's what you really need.

Why not just go out on your own and try to meet someone new? Then move in with them if you like them? It won't be instantaneous, but I'm sure it's possible, and it's way better than doing nothing and hoping things continue precariously as-is. Then leave his ass.
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#9
I read in your bio about one of your health problems (not sure if that's the only one). My mom has that, in addition to other things.  It took her a while, but while she's never going to go running a marathon or anything close, she has managed to get to the point where she can work and do things for herself.  I know everyone is different and the disease itself has more than one level and you don't live in the same country, but have you tried everything? Second opinion, different meds, natural remedies and all that.  You may have, just throwing that out there.  I mean no offense. I don't know how much you are able to do, but maybe you could volunteer somewhere. That would get you out of the house and meeting new people. 

As for your husband, is he abusive in any way, verbally or physically?  If he is, there has to be some program out there who will help you. If he's not, I would recommend to just continue trying to get something for yourself in life.  Are there any support groups there for your illness? Even online support groups may be able to help you.
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#10
How about your local church.My mother ,my wife ,her friend have all found spin off activities from their chosen churches and you don't have to be super religious.
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