My behavior confuses me!

Can you people make out what goes on in my head? I've never understood it, and I've only recently become aware I even do this.

After my mother initiated a messy, frightening divorce from my moderately abusive dad, something really spontaneous went out of me as a six year old. I became increasingly socially isolated--teased unmercifully at school for years and not supported much at home--and now I do the weirdest thing. I LONG to be in a group, and I'm not a bad leader, but then.....

Well, THEN, I do the most self-destructive things, and I'm going to try to articulate it for the first time on paper. Bear with me. I renege on agreements, I forfeit what power I have, I find fault with people (albeit silently and in my head), and before you know it, I'm out. Just like that. Happens in friendships, clubs, work, almost everything.

I'm curious how I can curb my pathological need to be an outsider-at- any-cost. Why on earth would I do such a destructive thing to myself and others? And how could I be blind to it for almost 50 years?

I can't believe I've even mentioned this--it's frightening being so naked. I'm glad you all don't know my name.

For me i had a recent event in my life which was a shocker which i guess can be compared to your 6 year old experience. Well not comparable but i guess the end result is the same.

After my shocking experiece i began to close up like a clam, school assignements were never completed (i think my grades fell faster then the stock market) debts were not paid and friendships just dried up. By the time i got out and started to fly striaght there wasnt much left in my life and like you i blamed others instead of myself.

Things are better now, stable at least but eh, gotta start picking up the pieces somewhere right?

I think once you realize your being descructive to yourself is when you can stop and start rebuilding

Yea I think ‘what if’ is meaningless thing but what if you had warm hugs at that time.
Then how about this what if I give you warm hugs now is it makes you feel difference.
(I know it quite late, Sorry for being late but I wasn’t born that time…)
If yes, thousands Hugs for you ~

Things are better now, stable at least but eh, gotta start picking up the pieces somewhere right?

I think once you realize your being descructive to yourself is when you can stop and start rebuilding
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Maybe you're right. Maybe it is as simple as recognizing the problem. I hope what you call your shock is better--hope you're doing better. Sounds like you are. Thanks for your insight--I guess the phenomenon is kinda common. I just don't understand why I'd lie to myself for so long!

it's sort of good that you bring it to the surface and write about it..maybe in a journal.
Recognition is always the first step to recovery.

Self sabatage...porbably associated with you not feeling or thinking you're good enough.
A since of guilt most children experince when thier parents diviorce. Most children blame themselves
why the parents got a divorce.

Then carry this sort of self sabatage into adulthood.

Yes..love yourself and sort of a reparent yourself process.